Beat The Boots I: Freaks & Motherfu*#@%!

Howard: Okay, baby. Bend over and spread 'em. Here comes my bullet . . .

Imagine me and you
I do
I think about you day and night
It's only right
To think about the girl you love
And hold her tight
So happy together

If I should call you up
(Call you up)
Invest a dime
And you say you belong to me
(Ease my mind)
And ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be
(Very fine)
So very fine
So happy together

I can't see me
Lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When I'm with you
Baby, the skies will be blue
For all my life

Mark: Everybody sing along just like a big rock show, come on!

Bringing in the sheaves
Bringing in the sheaves
We will come rejoicing
Bringing in the sheaves

L.A. in the summer of '69
I went downtown and bought some wine
I wasted my head on three quarts of juice
And now the grapes won't turn me loose
I'm a wino man
Don't you know I am?

36, 24, hips about 30
(36, 24, hips about 30)
I seen some witch and I started talkin' dirty
(Seen a fine lady and I started talkin' dirty)
She looked at me and raised her thumb
(Thumb, yeah)
And said, "Jam down the road, you funky-ass bum"
'Cause I'm a wino man
Know I am?

I, I went to the country
And while I was gone
A roller-headed lady
Caught me weedlin' on her lawn
I'm so ashamed, but I'm a wino man
I can't help myself

Oh! Oh, yeah

Wino man
Don't you know I am?

Well, my drug indulgence
And my wino career are in a slump
'Cause I find myself now living
In a cardboard refrigerator box down by the Houston dump
And I'm so ashamed

I been drinkin' all night and my eyes are all red
Well [...the juggler], I don't know which way to go
Give me five bucks and a hot meal
Give me fi-i-i-i-ive bucks and a hot meal
(Fi-i-i-i-i-ive bucks and a hot meal)
I tell you every time I get a chance, oh yeah

FZ: I wondered what it would sound like if Dr. John the Night Tripper sang this song?

Group:
Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya

FZ: Should be Gris-Gris Gumbo Wino.

Howard: Come on

Group:
Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya
Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya . . .

Jeff (Dr. John):
They call me Dr. John
I'm known as The Night Tripper
Got my satchel of Gris-Gris in my hand
We take all the stamped-out hippies way down the bayou
I'm the last of the best, known as the Gris-Gris Man
And my women say
And my band be cookin'
And I don't need no Fender amplifier
Come on
Everybody sing along, come on!
Oh, Gris-Gris
Dr. John get down sometime
The preceding was paid for
Shuck shuck shuck shuck . . .

Group:
Gris-Gris . . .
Gris-Gris . . .

Concentration Moon
Over the camp in the valley
(Long Island)
Concentration Moon
Wish I was back in the alley
With all of my friends
Still running free
Hair growing out
Every hole in me

American way
How did it start?
Thousands of creeps
Killed in the park
American way
Try and explain
Scab of a nation
Driven insane
Don't cry
Gotta go bye bye
Suddenly: die die
Cop kill a creep!
Pow! Pow! Pow!

Mark (Narrator): As we join Paladin and his good friend Hey Boy in a plush San Francisco hotel, we find Hey Boy running down the stairs to greet his good companion friend Paladin and saying . . .

Jeff (Hey Boy): Paladin, what you want? Pineapple chicken? Almond duck? Barbecue Pork? Sesame seed pork? Almond nut roll? Toyota Land Cruiser, Panasonic, Sony? What you want? Paladin, you old sack.

Howard (Paladin): No, Paladin. Pala— No, Hey Boy. No, Hey Boy.

Jeff (Hey Boy): You drunk, Paladin.

Howard (Paladin): No, Hey Boy, you little queen. Just book a room here in this plush San Francisco bistro for me and my . . . sister.

Jeff (Hey Boy): Paladin commit incest.

Howard (Paladin): Don't put words in my mouth, Hey Boy. And if anybody asks where I am, tell them this . . .

Jeff (Hey Boy): Oh, Paladin, you gesture hypnotically.

Mark (Narrator): And Paladin does gesture hypnotically as he reaches into the parket— the pocket of his pants and pulls forth the card of lust, danger, romance and adventure.

Hant Hant
Hant Hant
Hant Hant
Hant Hant
Hant Hant Hant
Hant Hant Hant
Hoooooooooooo

FZ: This is a song about vegetables. They keep you regular. They're real good for ya.

Call any vegetable
Call it by name
Call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Yeah . . .
The vegetable will respond to you
The vegetable will respond to you

Call any vegetable
Pick up your phone
Think of a vegetable
Lonely at home
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Yeah . . .
The vegetable will respond to you
The vegetable will respond to you

Rutabaga
Rutabaga
Rutabaga
Rutabaga
Rutabay-y-y-y . . .

No one will know
If you don't want to let 'em know
No one will know
'Less it's you that might tell 'em so

Call and they'll come to you
Smiling and covered with dew
Vegetables dream
Vegetables dream
Vegetables dream
Of responding to you

Standing there shiny
And proud by your side
Holding your joint
While the neighbors decide
Why is a vegetable
Something to hide?
To hide!
To hide!
To hide!

FZ: You know, a lotsa people don't bother about their friends in the vegetable kingdom. They think, "What can I say? What can a person such as myself say unto a vegetable?" Let's think of some of the things that you could say to a vegetable. The first thing that comes to my mind is, "I've got a picture of you on my bathroom wall sitting on the toilet!" Another thing that you might be able to say would be, "What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?" "Do you like my new car?" "It's real cool." "Which Holliday Inn are you staying at?" "The one by the airport? We have to get up real early in the morning and fly out of here." "Where are you playing tomorrow?" "Tierra Del Fuego." Or you could say muffins!
Mark & Howard: Yeah!
FZ: Pumpkins!
Mark & Howard: Yeah!
FZ: Wax paper!
Mark & Howard: Yeah!
FZ: Caledonias, mahoganies and elbows, and green things in general, and soon, a new rapport! You and all your new little green and yellow buddies, grooving together! Maintaining your coolness together! Worshipping together in the church of your choice! Only in America!

Howard:
God bless America
Land that I . . .

Mark:
Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg . . .

Call any vegetable
Call it by name
Call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Oh! That the vegetable will respond to you

Mark: Hold it, Howard, hold it, hold it!
Howard: Oh God, oh God, oh God, we're coming together!
FZ: What a pumpkin.
Jeff?: Hance!

FZ: We're gonna begin with a song from Burnt Weeny Sandwich, which has the operating stage title of "The Duke" but encompasses items from side one and side two of Burnt Weeny Sandwich. Ready? One, two, three . . .

Penis dimension
Penis dimension
Penis dimension
Penis dimension

They want a guy from a group
With a thing in the charts
If his dick is a monster
Will give him their hearts

Aynsley Dunbar!

His penis is a monster
His penis is a monster
His penis is a monster
Monster dick
Monster dick
Monster dick
Monster dick

His penis is a monster
His penis is a monster
His penis is a monster
Monster dick
Monster dick
Monster dick
Monster dick

Hoopla!
[Whoola! Whoola!]
La la la la . . .
[Whoola!]

My penis is a monster
Your penis is a monster
Our penis are all monsters
Penis dimension is calling me, [calling] me

My penis is a monster
Your penis is a monster
Our penis are all monsters
Penis dimension is calling me, [calling] me

Mud Shark . . .

FZ: Mud Shark!

Ance Muhammitz
Snats Muhammitz
Frank Muhammitz
Vance Muhammitz
Rance
Mud Shark
Muhammitz
Ruth Underwood
Leona Nichols

Went on the road
For a month touring
What a drag
You've gotta go
Even if you'd rather be at home
Flaked out in Hollywood
Drove to Inglewood and then we dumped
All our shit into the plane at five o' three
What's it gonna be?
Chicken, beef or turkey?
Yes, la la la la
Crab salad, shrimp salad
Little ham hocks with [names]

Look at all the Germans
Watch them follow orders
See them think they're doing
Something groovy in the streets
(Rance . . .)

See the student leader
He's a rebel prophet
He's fucked up
He's still a Nazi like his mom & dad

Played for a night in Berlin
That afternoon we set up our shit and rehearsed
Half a dozen phony student rebels in the hall
Came to see if I could find a way to help them all

"What is your desire?"
"Help us start a fire
In the Allied Center
Round the corner down the street"

And then we began to play
A bunch of punks arose from the crowd
Student rebels, their flags of red
Began to chant
Ho Chi Minh
Ho Ho Ho Chi Minh
Threw tomatoes
And then the next thing we knew we were under siege

 

I must be free
My
(My)
(My oh my)
Fake I.D.
Freeeeeees me
Gotta do a few things
To make my life complete
(Sure!)
I gotta live my life
(Where?)
Out on the street
The difference between us
Is not very far
Cruising for burgers
In daddy's new car
My phony freedom card
Brings to me
Instantly
Ecstasy
Ecstasy
Ecs-ta-sy

FZ: Thank you.