Beat The Boots II: Tengo Na Minchia Tanta

Jeff: This is the people right here. Hey, I'm sorry about the beer on you guys. It's this guy right here. Can we have a spot on this guy? That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Does his kind of live look interesting to you? The new number one on the Boss 30!

Mark & Howard:
Hant-Tant Hoo-ee Tee . . .

Jeff:
Hi, does this kind of life look interesting to you? Full employment benefits with a fake tie. Veteran-approved Mexi-chinks on duty. To serve you in the speech impediment lounge of the Fillmore East.

Jeff, Mark & Howard:
Rant-Da-Hant
Hant-Ta-Hant

Mark: Hup!

 

Rance

Jeff: And now from the Harry McDuckbibe Afghan rug lounge, high atop the U.N. building. And now . . . Ta-da-ta-ta-ta ranna-ha-ta-da . . . We bring you El Porko the Magnificent, ably assisted by his accomplice Birdman Fitzgerald. And the famous "your neck is my neck."

FZ: Porko's sword is very sharp.

Yeah!

Rance Muhammitz

Two times

I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'
Cryin' for Sharleena
Don't you know?
I called up all my baby's friends
'N ask'n um
Where she done went
But nobody 'round here seems to know
Where my Sharleena's been
Where my Sharleena's been

I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'
Cryin' for Sharleena
Can't you see?
I called up all my baby's friends
'N ask'n um
Where she done went
But nobody 'round here seems to know
Where my Sharleena's been
Where my Sharleena's been

Ten long years I've been lovin' her
Ten long years
And I thought deep down in my heart
She was mine
Ten long years I've been lovin' her
Ten long years
I would call her my baby, and now
I'm always cryin'
(Cryin', yeah, cryin', yeah
I'm cryin')

I would be so delighted
I would be so delighted
If they would just
Send her on home to me

I would be so delighted
(Sharleena)
I would be so delighted
If they would just
Send her on home to me

Send my love to Sharleena
Why doesn't somebody
Some second, some minute
Some hour, some day
Some month, some week, some year
Why don't you, why don't you, why don't you, yeah-eah
Why don't you send her home
Why don't you come on and send my ever-lovin' Sharleena home
(Send my baby home to . . .)
Why don't you send her home to . . .
Me!

Jeff: Now he's just about set. A little music, please.

Howard?: Hut!

FZ?: [Girdle rides up.]

Howard: The Sanzini Brothers!

FZ: In the trade that's known as filler crap, ladies and gentlemen. We just stick it in there to occupy time between songs. Don't let it worry you.

FZ: I think the next number that we're gonna perform should be eh . . . No, we played that in the last show, I'm trying to give you a variety. Yeah, I know, "Louie Louie." Let's do the whole opera.

Hey, hut.

FZ: Okay, you'll have to imagine, across the front of the stage each one of these microphones represents a motel room. Pardon me, ladies and gentlemen. And each one of these rooms houses a potential pop star on his way to the top, touring across America in the dingy little psychedelic dungeons, working his little fingers to the bone, tryin' to make it big in the nookie circuit. And here we are—this little, uh, underground group in a rancid town and we're preparing to go out on a search for some nubile ginch and we're there the day before the concert and there's none of the groupies in town know that we're there at the motel, see, and so we're preparing to go out to the local nightclub, so we can hustle . . . This is it, we're putting on our English Leather cologne.

Howard: . . . thirty days on the fucking road. I don't believe it, man. I can't believe it. Another night at a fucking Holiday Inn, another night. Aynsley ripped off my chick, ripped off Mark's chick, ripped off Frank's chick. I did everything . . . I can't even believe it. I put on a new shirt, I sprayed my pits. I got some stuff here that's supposed to make me really alluring. Tinsel glitter. Danny Hutton puts this on his face all the time. He's seductive. He gets laid. I can't stand it. I think he balls Chuck Negron, but who am I to say? He gets laid. And I don't have nothin'. I can't believe it. What do I I got? Aynsley, down in the bar? I can't stand it. I gotta get laid. This glitter has worked for others, perhaps it will work for me!

FZ: Aynsley took the batteries out of my wah-wah pedal for his vibrator.

Mark: . . . the next thing you know, man. You just wanna get laid. I mean you wanna— You clean up, you go in, you're a pop star. Man, I can't believe it. If I woulda gone to that hotel, if I woulda gone to that club with Frank, I woulda got recognized and maybe got laid. I haven't gotten laid in twelve days, man. This is unbelievable. I mean I'm a pop star. Frank told me, "Join this group, you're gonna be a big star." Let me tell you . . . The Turtles five years—it doesn't mean shit, let me tell you. Danny Hutton, Three Dog Night—they are a big group. They are a happening group. They get laid all the time. Tinsel glitter. I'm telling you, Three Dog Night never failed. "One." "Easy To Be Hard." He is God. Tonight, I am gonna go to that club, and I am gonna go with Frank 'cause they'll recognize me . . . tonight. This glitter has worked for others, perhaps it will work for me!

What will this morning
Bring me this evening?
What will this morning
Bring me this evening?
Some local hot action
Before we are leaving

Go to the club or the bar
Or wherever the pussy is found
In the town your band been
Booked to play in
It's always a little bit harder
To score if it's just your first time
In a town you never hit before

If you played in it once
And got laid
You've got it made
Oh, got it made, oh!
If it's just your first time
Then you know it's no fun
To go back to a plastic hotel all alone

FZ: So you gotta . . .

Go to the club or the bar
Go to the club or the bar
Go to the club or the bar
Or wherever the pussy is found

Mark: A partial list of clubs and bars to go get laid while you're on the road!

Mark & Howard: Nobody's.
Jeff: New York City.
Mark & Howard: Paradisio.
Jeff: Amsterdam, Netherlands.
Mark & Howard: Club Voom Voom.
Jeff: Smatz, Austria.
Howard: Ah, Smatz in the spring.
Mark & Howard: The Navy Club.
Jeff: San Antonio, Tejas.
Mark & Howard: The Whisky à Go-Go.
Jeff: City of The Angels.
Mark & Howard: Max's Kansas City.
Jeff: New York . . .

Jeff:
. . . City.

Howard:
What's a girl like you
Doin' in a place like this?

Mark:
I left my place after midnight
And I came to the club
Me and my girlfriend, we came here
Looking for love

Howard:
You came to the right place
This is it
This is the swingin'-est place in New York City

Group:
No shit!

Mark:
How true that is

Howard:
How true indeed

Mark:
Me and my girlfriend, we come here every Friday 'n Saturday night
Looking for the hot romance we need
We like to get it on
Do you like to get it on too?

Howard:
Well, what did you have in mind?

Mark:
Well listen
Well I get off bein' juked with a baby octopus
Or spewed upon with creamed corn
And my girlfriend, she digs it with a hot 7-Up bottle
While somebody's yelling
"Corks & Safeties!
Corks & Safeties!"

Jeff:
So hot I could scream

Group:
Corks & Safeties
Corks & Safeties

Jeff:
Oh, baby, oh-ooh-wo-oo-wow!

Group:
Corks & Safeties
Corks & Safeties

Howard:
Wow! You two chicks sound real far out and groovy
Ever been to a Holiday Inn?
Magic Fingers in the bed
Wall-mounted TV screens
Coffee-Host plugged into the bathroom wall
Formica's really keen!

Group:
What kind of girl
Do you think we are?
What kind of girl
Do you think we are?
Don't call us groupies
That is going too far
We wouldn't ball you
Just because you're a star

FZ:
These girls wouldn't let just anybody
Spew on their vital parts
They want a guy from a group
With a big hit single in the charts

Howard:
Funny you should mention it
Our new single made the charts this week
With a bullet
With a bullet
Just let me put a little, a little more tinsel glitter
On my face right now
And you can show me how
A young girl such as you might be
Thrilled and overwhelmed by me

Mark:
What Holiday Inn did you say you were staying at?

Howard:
Wanna split right away?

Mark:
Not so fast, you silly boy
There's one thing we gotta say

Group:
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
And if his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
They will give him their hearts!

Howard:
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! God!
Stop the music
Why didn't you say so before?

Howard:

I've got the thing you need
I am endowed beyond your wildest
Clearasil-spattered fantasies

Girls from all over the world
Flock to write my name on the toilet walls.
Of the Whisky à Go-Go

Group:
For I am Bwana Dik
He is Bwana Dik
Him Bwana Dik
Me Bwana Dik

Howard:
My dick is a monster
Give me your heart

Group:
Bwana Dick is a legend
Enormous thou art

Howard:
My dick is a Harley
You kick it to start

Group:
Bwana Dik speaks
The heavens will part

Howard:
My dick is a dagger
I'll force it to fit
My dick is a reamer
To scream up your slit

Group:
Steam it!
Steam it!
Ream it!
Cream it!

Howard:
You can hear the steam
You can hear the screaming steam
As the reamer steams up the lake
To the snake
In the black velvet crystal
Naugahyde black
Electric vibraphonic micromatic
Crystal black plastic
Plastic battery-operated
Steam roller!

Group:
Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!

Group:

Feel the steam
See the steam
Hear the steam
Heal the steaming
Hot black screaming
Hot black Naugahyde
Python gleaming
Steam roller

All groupies must bow down
In the sacred presence
Of the Latex Solar Beef

The steam is coming out
The steam is coming, coming, coming . . .
Python steam! Screaming! Steaming! . . .
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow . . .

Howard?:
Listen! The steam is whistling!

She's such a dignified lady
She's so pretty and soft
You can't call her a groupie
It just pisses her off

She got diamonds and jewelry
She got lotsa new clothes
She ain't hurtin' for money
So that everyone knows

That she knows what she wants
Knows what she likes
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out
She's got her eyes on you

She left her place after midnight
And she drove to the club
You know that her and her partner
Came here lookin' for love
They want a guy from a group
That got a thing in the charts
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
They will give him their hearts

'Cause they know what they want
They know what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out
They got their eyes on you

FZ: Sky Saxon Blues Band!

Now they spotted George Duke
At the end of the bar
They go up and say, "Hi!"
And ask if he has a car
He says he don't
They say they do
They say, "Let's get it on!"
'Bout a half of a minute
And you know they are gone

Cause he's got what they want
He knows what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
All right
You got 'em screamin' all night

One more! One more, baby!

Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
All right
You got 'em screamin' all night
Screamin' all night

FZ: Now you'll just have to use your teen-age imagination and picture . . .