From: hans hendriks (March 27, 2001)
Since it's a long while since I made this transcription and don't have the
time to check I hope it doesn't contain too many mistakes.
VPRO DOCUMENTARY BY ROELOF KIERS
Camera: Peter Bos
Sound: Jan Rap
Montage:Bert Roozemond
Mixing: Evan Durlacher
00:57
FZ:
Hello my name is Frank Zappa, I'm a r&r musician.
I'm a composer. And I make movies. Before I got into the rock & roll
business, excuse me... I used to have a recording studio in Cucamonga
California. At the end of that time I was framed and busted by the San
Bernardino County vice squad for manufacturing a pornographic tape
recording. Which was all just definitely fraudulent. Then I put the Mothers
Of Invention together and we went out and we played a bunch of jobs, and eh,
that was it.
01:40
[At the Fillmore West]
FZ:
What can I say
MOI:
Shoob shoob <etc. repeat>
FZ:
What can a person like myself, live on stage at the Fillmore West
Psychedelic Dungeon say to a vegetable?
Well I've considered this problem for at least 45 seconds. And I've come to
the conclusion that the answer is simple my friends.
All you have to do is call
And tell them how you feel
As my assistants are doing right at this very moment.
Mark & Howard:
Greek greek gumbo yah, yah.
FZ:
Oh we have to do dr. John tonight
Mark & Howard:
Hey yaa
FZ:
Just bear in mind some of the important things that you have to discuss with
these people
One of them might be
Muffins, pumkins, wax paper,
Caledonian mahogonies and elbows
And green things in general
And soon a new report:
You and all your new little green little buddies
Grooving together
Maintaining their coolness together
Worshipping together in the church of your choice
Only in America
Howard Kaylan
God Bless America
Mark Volman:
Sieg heil
Howard Kaylan:
Land of the...
Sieg heil
Sieg heil
Mark & Howard:
Call any vegetable
Call it by name
Got to call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
FZ:
Oh that the vegetable will respond to you
Howard Kaylan:
Hold it, hold it, hold it, oh God oh God we're coming together
FZ:
What a pumpkin
3:47 [Zappa Residence, Zappa is working on a composition. Camera pens from
Zappa to the kitchen showing the walls littered with pictures of various
persons and objects, like a girl worshipping an erect penis. Then goes to
the kitchen where we see Gail carrying Dweezil]
Gail Zappa:
Oh I broke my glasses again, look.
Miss Lucy:
You're wearing my sun glasses.
Gail Zappa: Oh, yeah I'm Gail and I make coffee and this is Dweezil.
Miss Lucy:
I make coffee too.
Gail Zappa:
And that's Moon, and this is miss Lucy, and there's miss cheechy Conny.
[Dweezil gets a bath in the kitchen sink.]
[Back to Frank]
FZ:
When I was little I didn't have too much interest in music at all. When I
was about five or six years old, up until the time I was about thirteen I
was interested in chemistry and especially in explosives. I went out and
made gunpowder when I was six. At that time my father was working at a place
on the Eastcoast called Edgewood Arsenal
What's that?
FZ: Edgewood Arsenal is where they made poison gas during World War 2.
And we lived in a housing project where the people who worked on the army
base there, everybody that lived in the project had to have gasmasks in
their house in case the tanks of mustard gas broke. So the toys that I
remember growing up with were the little chemical beakers that my father
would bring home and the gas masks that were hanging in the hall closet. And
I would use to wear that out in the yard and run around in it and I thought
it was a space helmet.
And I continued to... actually the last experimentation that I did with
explosives was when I was about fifteen years old. I attempted to set fire
to the high school that I was attending. I'd mixed up this quantity of
powder which consisted of regular black powder and then flash powder which
is 50% zinc and 50% sulphur mixed with sugar and eh it was really rancid
stuff. And we had a quart mayonaisse jar full of it. And me and this other
guy, who shall remain nameless, put vaseline all over our faces so in case
anybody saw us doing this that we would be reported as swarthy, you know
that was our disguise. I was fifteen years old and it was the night of the
full moon. So we went down to the..., we hitchhiked to the high school that
night. And the first thing we did was go to the cafeteria, where the...
some student organisation was serving refreshments to the parents. And we
ripped them of for a bunch of paper cups. and I took the mayonaisse jar and
dumped a little powder into each of these paper cups. And we met a bunch of
other juvenile delinquent type thugs at the school. And I passed out the
powder to these guys and said: here hit it, go set some fire. So we had a
few guys running around, burning things. One of our first acts of vandalism
was to take a quantity of the powder and poor it in a stream in the middle
of this pissing (through?) in the men's room and lit it and the parcel went
in half. It went kojunk' That inspired us to bigger and better things...
[The Fillmore]
08.20
Mark Volman:
The pyramid trick
[Back to the Zappa residence.]
FZ:
...terrorising and burning things.
Jeff Simmons:
Ladies and Gentlemen the Sanzini Brothers with the world famous pyramid
trick!
That's righ Ladies & Gentlemen (?) Let me tell you here at San Francisco,
the Pyramid trick I hope will be treated day and night with the same respect
we give to Patrice Lumumba when he's in town.
is now forming the basis of the pyramid trick, the hulk, that's right we use
it for a sound baffle at Wally Heider. Okay, the Pyramid trick, yes
kids, is about to begin.
09:21
FZ:
But as far as music goes about the same time I began to develop an interest
in rhythm & blues. And I wanted to play the drums, so I got a really cheap
drum set and I was a drummer in a band called the Ramblers, which was in San
Diego California. And then I began to be interested in the sound of blues
guitar. But it seemed when I listened to all the guys playing at that time
that they never played excactly what I wanted to hear and so I thought I
would learn how to play the guitar myself, so I finally took that up when I
was eighteen. And I was playing strictly blues stuff on it and didn't get
attracted to other styles of guitar playing until a few years later. And the
composition end of my musical experience started in high school when I heard
an album by Edgar Varèse. And I said boy that sounds great, I have to write
some of that.
I also got a hold of an album called The Rite of Spring', it was on a
little cheapo label a dollar ninety eight thing and that excited me too. I
thought boy if anybody could make a missing link between Edgar Varèse and
Igor Stravinsky that'd be pretty nifty. And then somebody turned me on to
an album of music by Anton Webern and I said: Wow if anybody could get a
missing link between Igor Stravinsky, Anton Webern and Edgar Varèse that'd
be really spiffy. Then I started hearing some music of Tibet, music of
India, music of Middle East and I started randomly synthesizing all the
things that appealed to me and that's where the current musical language
that I'm using now came from.
11:33
All through high school I was writing serial music and I thought that was
really the way to go because it was all proofable by mathematics and you
could just... you'd know right away how much your music was worth by
figuring out whether or not you had all the notes in the right places you
know, and it was really intelectual. Then I heard what some of the stuff
sounded like that I'd been writing and it was so ugly I decided to go
backwards and get into the melodic area again and then people started
telling me that my melodies were ugly. So I guess I'm succesful.
You are what?
FZ:
Succesfull.
13:15
[Fillmore]
Mark & Howard:
Hent tent, hent tent, hent tent tent, hent tent tent, hee-e-e-e-e-e-e-.
FZ:
This is a song about the citizens of San Francisco, they keep you regular,
they're real good for you.
Mark & Howard:
Call any vegetable
Call it by name
Call one today
When you get of the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Yeah-eah-eah
FZ:
That the vegetable will respond to you
Mark & Howard:
Ooh ooh, la la la laaaaa
FZ:
The vegetable will respond to you
Mark & Howard:
Ooh ooh la la la laaaaa
Group:
Call any vegetable, pick up your phone
Think of a vegetable
Lonely at home
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good...
11:22
[Gail & Frank discussing something while Moon & Dweezil are playing and
making noises which prevent us from following the discussion between Frank
and Gail.]
Gail Zappa: Awright, what do you wanna do about that
FZ: We have enough money to eh you can't take so and the camera so I just
have to make a purchase of it tomorrow I give
Gail Zappa: And what about the
[out at the swimming pool.]
Miss Lucy: Water, water. That's dweezil, get out of here Sheba.
And here is miss Lucy the first GTO on earth. Miss Lucy, what does it mean
GTO?
Miss Lucy: Well eh the first time..., the first thing it meant was Girls
together only because me and my girlfriend Donna where, you know, together.
And I don't know I just said something about GTO's and mister Zappa said :
"What does that mean?", and I said Girls Together Only And then that
would've been december of 1967 and then he went back to New York and he came
back in may and by that time I had... I introduced him to all these girls
you know, and eh....
What kind of girls?
To all the girls Pamela and Conny and Caroly, and oh bundles of girls. But
you know, just about four of us started doing things like going dancing and
getting dressed up and run around the streets and havin' a good time. And
then he wanted to, you know, form a group, so we did.
FZ:
They where interested in the music business anyway so I said why don't you
sing. And I encouraged them to form a semi singing performing group, that
would allow them a vehicle to which to express the things that they were
doing ordinarily on the street.
Miss Lucy:
We did... We pretended you know, we lived our fantasies out
What kind of girls are these GTO's?
Miss Pamela:
Simple girls
Miss Lucy:
Neurotic. Nahaha, Nice girls. Oh Dweezil take that thing out of your mouth.
FZ:
They were together as a group of people who just hung around together and
had their own ingrown folklore and philosophy and theology. They seemed sort
of a one mind type operation.
And I thought it would be nice to give people in the outside world, that is
outside the boundaries of Laurel Canyon some idea of what was going on with
these girls and show the way that they were thinking.
Miss Lucy: Chasing girls? No...., chasing...., it doesn't it doesn't...
chasing boys and girls, or dogs and horses anything that's (?) chasing.
You know just things that are appealing, you know. If you like something,
you know, you go to it. Go to it man.
It is told that G.T.O.'s are lesbians, is that true.
Miss Lucy: No, that's not true
What about those nice little pictures
[points to pictures of acts of a sexual nature between women on the wall].
Miss Lucy: Eeeeek. Well you know, I like, I like everything.
Miss Pamela:
That was done in fun.
Miss Lucy:
No we were havin' a good time. Michelle and I were drinking. And you know it
was a nice cloudy day and we were.... Ooh look at that tit it's so fat. See
I used to wear a (?)
Miss Lucy whats eh, what are the highlights of your career as a G.T.O.
Miss Lucy: The highlights? Ahum, mmm, well once, oooo, once... once I was
very drunk at the log cabin and we were having a rehearsal (aside to
Dweezil)-you don't say- and Jeff Beck came over, ahieha. And I don't know
what happened but he had some J & B Scotch. And ehm, I went to the hotel
with him. And he let me wear his boots.
Miss Pamela: That was your highlight?
Miss Lucy: Well that was one of the highlights. And eh, I didn't have any
clothes on except for his boots on. And then I....., can I say this, can I
say anything I want? I pissed on his jack, ahaa ha ha.
The next day I was hard all over, beside I was so embarassed, when I saw him
again... That was one of them.
20:40
FZ:
Looming large on the horizon we have the El Taco burrito place. At the
corner of Lillian way and Melrose avenue, with its unique drive up window.
Gail Zappa:
What do you want?
FZ:
I want an enchilada, a red burrito
Attendant: (to a girl who walks away forgetting to pay.)
Miss, miss,
What do you want?
Customer 1:
No cheese no onions, nothing.
Customer 2:
What are you doing?
FZ: [Puts foil over camera lens]
What do you do for money?
I have a rock & roll band
Could you repeat that?
FZ:
What do you do for money?
I have a rock & roll band
FZ: What do you do for money?
Gail Zappa:
I have a rock & roll band.
Would you repeat that.
Gail Zappa: Please.
what did he ask him
Ask him what he did for money
What did he say
He said he had a rock & roll band.
Who is he
This gentleman standing right here next to me, or across from me I should
say.
FZ:
You got any money
Gail Zappa:
Yes I do as a matter of fact.
You think he makes a lot of money?
I don't really have an idea, he probably does if he's in a band
Ask him.
Do you make a lot of money.
FZ: No.
You make enough to support yourself.
FZ: Yes.
Do you enjoy live.
FZ: Yes.
You're having a good time then?
FZ: Yes.
You're glad to be alive.
FZ: Yes.
Would you please answer more positively
You want some guacamole.
No I want some hot sauce.
Honey here's the hot sauce
23:10
WPLJ fragment
(We see miss Lucy and miss Pamela dancing with dweezil in the living room).
24:32
FZ: This empty bottle is for a drug called flagil that you can take if you
get trichomonas when you're on the road. And it's a renewable prescription
so you carry the empty bottle around with you and if you have to get some
someplace they'll phone the pharmacy in New York.
24:50
Would You Like A Snack fragment
Went on the road for a month, touring
What a drag . . . You gotta go
Even if you'd rather be at home
Flaked out in Hollywood
25:15
well everything
yeah could see
My shaving kit
Earlier
Hans Mohamitz
Woooh, heeeh
Con mucho gusto amigos.
Saludo
[Fillmore]
Howard Kaylan:
Hans Mohamitz
Rance Mohamitz
Jeff Simmons: Lemme tell you right now man: You got your armies, you got
your rock bands. You try and turn a rock band into an army this is what you
get.
Hent tin ten rent tun ten
Ha ha
Ren hen hen hen hen tun hen
Howard Kaylan:
Sense Mohamitz
Jeff Simmons:
Smurf me
Smurf me
Mance
Jeff Simmons:
Right Howard?
Howard Kaylan:
Right Jeff, we're goin' for the money, all the way.
Jeff Simmons:
Can we get high now?
Howard Kaylan:
Vance Mohammitz
Trance Mohammitz
Blanche Mohamitz
Ruth...
[a park somewhere in London (I suppose). ]
Sometimes it's fun sometimes it's dull.
Dull!
[back to the group somewhere, some girls bares her ass to show a tattoo.]
FZ: Get the microphone in there.
What kind of adventures?
FZ:
Well there's good ones and there's bad ones. The good one usually include
the presence of some young lady who likes to take her pants of for
musicians. And the other ones are things like eh...
Hello...
Hans...
What you're doin'?
Girl who's no groupie:
Nothing, walking around, before it rains. [screaming child runs by]
What kind of girls are these groupies
Well, not all of them are groupies, you know, some girls that will readily
admit that they are groupies have a very special sort of mentality you know
and they aspire to that position, but there are other girls who would never
admit that they are groupies but who function in that capacity anyway. For
instance, would you call yourself a groupie?
Girl who's no groupie:
No, I think only for Frank Zappa publicity purposes.
FZ:
She said eh....
Girl who's no groupie:
Besides which, never... we could never make it together we're only friends.
FZ:
That's right.
Right.
What kind of function do they have?
FZ:
Well they keep you occupied and entertained while you're out in a hotel
someplace, you know and hotels...
You always seem to be busy, I mean with other things
Well I like recreation too, I'm a human being. I like to get laid.
And what about your wife, I mean... Does she like it?
Well she's become accustomed to it over a period of years. I mean you have
to be realistic about these things, you go out on the road you strap on a
bunch of girls you come back to the house you find out you got the clap
What're you gonna do, keep it a secret from your wife?
So I come back there and I say: Look I've got the clap go get a perscription
so she goes out and gets some penicillin tablets, we both take em and that's
it.
She grumbles every once in a while, but you know, she's my wife.
Mark Volman:
This lovely Carol Merril was standing in front right at this very moment.
Jeff Simmons: Take it Carol... You see he's an abandoned goat rider. Rent
tent rent ten ten.
Mark Volman:
A reproduction of Sharon Tate's house.
Howard Kaylan:
Hit it ready, on cue, everybody sing.
It wasn't the one
30:35
[Road Ladies—Chunga's Revenge]
32:00
It's time for a revolution, but probably not in the terms that people
imagine it. The word seems to (counter?) up images sort of a modern day
version of peasants going into the street with their pitch forks to go after
the bad guy who lives in a big house someplace on a hill and we're gonna get
that son-of-a-bitch we'll take all the stuff away from him and we'll give it
to the workers, you know. And that's not the kind of revolution I had in
mind.
Which one had you in mind then?
Well I thought it might be nice if it was handled a little bit modern and
efficient way, without people getting slaughtered in the street. It's a
matter of infiltration.
What kind of infiltration?
Because the thing that's wrong today is that the people who are in control
of the media and the government and, you know things that run the lives of
the average person in the street. They aren't doing a good job of it cause
they don't really care. So if you just replace them, and I think that's a
possibillity.
By Whom?
By interested people from the younger generation.
You think they are more interested than the older ones? You think it's a
matter of age?
I think the potential is there in the younger generation. I don't think that
right now they are really interested. Their political involvement is on a
very superficial basis. They're still... They go out for the social aspects
of a march or a rally rather than for the eh... what it could possibly
accomplish. I don't think that demonstrations are the best possible tactic.
What do you think of the present situation here in the States, I mean
politically.
It's a little frightening at times, I'm still optimistic about it. Course
america is such a crazy place. I mean it's... When you consider that you can
elect a person like Richard Nixon just by running the proper type of
television advertizing campaign it's possible that a person with an equal
amount of money for the same size campaign -now he's spend twenty-two
million dollars to convince a bunch of people to vote for him- that he was a
good bet for the presidency. Anybody else with 22 milion dollar and the
right kind of p.r. firm could do the same thing.
When will you be around for president?
I thought about it a number of times before, and then the thing that always
holds me back is that what would it feel like to actually be the president.
You know you would have to stay in Washington DC in that house for four
years That'd be pretty grim.
I saw some stickers, Frank Zappa for president.
I haven't seen any stickers, I've seen some little cards that somebody
printed out. I didn't have anything to do with them. But true I had thought
about it. I thought about politics a number of times, but you can't do it
all just from the presidency. The president doesn't have theabsolute control
in the United States because you have to... the power is divided up between
him and the senate and the congres and the rest of that crap. And if you go
in there and you can't work in conjunction with the people who are in the
senate and the congres you can't get anything done.
Do you think that there's a chance that music, pop music, might change this
society here?
It already did.
Pop music, especially for the last, say, six years has had a great deal to
do with the lifestyle, encouragment of activities within the sexual
revolution and clothing styles and everything else. It's all been influenced
by pop music. It changed the appearance of the american teenage way of live.
What kind of influence did the Mothers have, you think?
Well, we had some, but not very much, because of the size of our audience
was so small.
But, what kind of influence?
Well, I think we perhaps inspired some of the people who liked what we do to
get a little bit looser and a little bit more devious, and as I said before
about progress not being possible without some sort of deviation. We need a
few deviants.
36:25
Hut hut, Hut hut
Heeeeee
FZ:
Penis Dimension is one of the songs from our forthcoming United Artists
feature length motion picture that we just got the money for today, called
200 Motels.
Doin some sleazy (?) about November first the next week.
Meanwhile boys and girls for your edification this is a song of inspiration
[Penis Dimension]
Mark & Howard:
Penis dimension
Penis dimension
Penis dimension is worrying me
I can't hardly sleep at night
'Cause of Penis dimension
Do you worry?
Do you worry a lot?
Do you worry?
Do you worry and moan...
That the size of your cock,
Is not monstrous enough?
It's your Penis dimension!
Penis dimension!
Wa oo wa oo wa oo wa
Wa oo wa oo wa oo wa
Mark Volman:
Hi friends. Now just be honest about it...
Did you ever consider the possibility that YOUR PENIS, or in the case of
many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide
elements of subconscious tension! Yes, weird, twisted anxieties that could
force a person to have to become a politician, a policeman, a Jesuit Monk,
FZ:
Dominus Vobiscum et cum Spiritu Tua
a rock and roll guitar player, a wino, a vampire, you name it! Or, in the
case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone beef-up, they
become writers of hot books...
Howard Kaylan:
Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her quivering quim...
Mark:
Or Carmelite Nuns...
Howard:
Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated member in her slithering
slit...hu hu hu.
Mark:
Carmelite nuns, Or race horse jockeys! There is no reason why the size of
your organ there's enough trouble in the world today. Right Brother?
Howard:
Right on! Right on!
Mark:
Now, if you're a lady and you've got munchkin tits, you can console yourself
with this age-old line from grammar school:
Mark & Howard:
"Anything over a mouthful is wasted!"
Mark:
Yes, and isn't that true. And if you're a guy, and if you're a guy and you
are in this audience tonight and you are ashamed about the size of your dick
:
Howard Kaylan:
Anything over a mouthful is wasted.
Howard Kaylan:
Eight inches or less?
41.16
Well I think that progress is not possible without deviation. And I think
that's it important that people be aware of some of the creative ways in
which some of their fellow men are deviating from the norm, because in some
instances they might find these deviations inspiring and might suggest
further deviations which might cause progress, you never know.
41:50
Wild Man Fisher:
I know a guy his name is Manson
He's tall, he's dark, he's real real handsome
He (?) the world and he talks to himself, he goes upstairs
I thought eh from the first day that I met him that somebody should make an
album with Wild Man Fisher I've known him since 1965 that was just about the
time we were doing our first album for M.G.M.
Wild Man Fisher:
I go down to the welfare department, I take the money. and everybody sais
you're a bum fisher, ha ha ha, and my father's death, oh my father's death
but I got a chance. I got a chance.
The reason why I got a chance that was in a mental institution when I was
sixteen years old
FZ:
working with people like Wild Man Fisher and Captain Beefheart or people who
are out there. The problems that arise after the album is completed
sometimes become to much to bear. Like I spent three months working on the
Wild Man Fisher album. And eh at the end of that time not only was I accused
of eh robbing Wild Man Fisher and cheating Wild Man Fisher and abusing him,
most of this from Wild Man Fisher himself. But eh, the album itself did not
sell a large amount of copies you know. I spent three months of my time
working on it, and I thought I had done a good job on it. I was proud of the
album
But then wind up with, eh, it hurts my feelings, you know and I got a
similar sort of experience from Captain Beefheart.
Wild Man Fisher: (singing):
Tu du tu du dud <etc.>
You bring back those memories
Oh my dear old taggy lady
Hey ho taggy lady
Hey hey ho
FZ:
I've been shooting films since 1958 and looks like just recently we acquired
a large budget, or a decent budget to finish a real motion picture.
Is it just for fun or does it attract you as a medium?
As a medium? Oh, I think that for the type of writing that I do, that the
perfect medium for it would be film or some, some sort of visual thing,
perhaps, eh, an advanced form of video tape would be the perfect medium for
me to work in, because when I conceive the music I always think in terms of
possible visual elements to go with it, and to be able to excercise control
over the visual elements as well as the music that's something that I've
always wanted to do. So now in the case of 200 Motels I have a chance to
write the music, write the story direct the action, direct the photography
and actually edit the film when it's done. And hopefully with all of that
control I'll be able to get as close as possible to the original fantasy
that I had in my mind when I started to put the thing together.
We're now entering the area of the Aynsley Dunbar home movie
A boy and his polaroid camera...
The exposure gets better a little bit better later on. This was shot at two
frames a second with available light in a suite at one fifth avenue in New
York. And so it is with life on the road in a rock and roll band.
[Cheap Thrills—Ruben And the Jets]
46:44
With 200 Motels is that an attempt to get into American serious music
No hardly, first of all I have no place in American serious music, what
would I do in there. I don't wanna, I don't socialize with those people who
are deeply involved in that part of the culture, that whole world doesn't
appeal to me
I would like to hear what I wrote.
47:18
[Ian Underwood and FZ practice Sealed Tuna Sandwich' ]
200 Motels?
FZ: It's a mixed-media presentation, a combination of a film an opera a
television show rock & roll concert various different elements that all
tells a story of when you go on the road it makes you crazy. There's one
special section that deals with a special fantasy that I had one time when I
was stranded in Kentucky. That's the section called The pleated gazelle'
and that tells about a love affair between a boy and a girl and a vacuum
cleaner.
There it is. The vacuum cleaner.
There was this girl that used to come over to the house that was quite fond
of this vacuum cleaner.
Pretty good
It works good on tits.
Miss Lucy: Wait a minute, I'm high.
Ooh, it feels good. Eeeh it's dirty.
FZ: It also works good on a pie
Miss Lucy: It does
FZ: The Atlas Vacmore ladies and gentlemen
(Do You Like My New Car)
FZ:
This takes place in a car on the way from the psychedelic nightclub
Howard Kaylan:
Runrunnerun-run-run.
Mark: Say Howie, do you like my new car? I mean, you guys, what can I say,
you guys are my favorite band.
You gotto tell me something: Are you here in Hollywood long? I mean . . . I
just.
Howard Kaylan:
No I'm eh, we're recording here in town.
Mark: You're recording here?
Howard Kaylan:
Yeah at the Record Plants.
Mark: The Record Plant? Ooh Bobby Sherman records there, I just love Bobby
Sherman. And David Cassidy, do you know David Cassidy?
Howard Kaylan:
No I . . .
Mark: Have you ever run into any members of the Three Dog Night?
Howard Kaylan:
Joe Shermy once . . .
Mark: Oooh, they are my favorite band, they are so professional, I mean, so
creative. How 'bout David Crosby, I mean, he's so in you know . . .
Howard Kaylan:
No I never . . .
Mark: He just knows. I mean he almost cut his hair but he didn't.
Howard: No listen, do you know how to get to the chateau Mormon from here.
Mark: Not exactly. Is it a by the airport.
Howard: No, no we have a bus on this particular thing.
Mark: Tell me one thing: do you like my new car?
Howard: Oh yeah it's a Pavilion isn't it.
Mark: Oh, not just a Pavilion, it's a Pauley Pavilion.
Howard: Oh, bwhrrrrrr.
Mark: Yeah it's real futuristic, I like the little naked man turn signals.
Howard: So, eh, we gotta get up you know and go to the studio in the morning
and then we record for about two weeks and then we, we leave again.
Mark: Oh really, where do you play when you go from here?
Howard: Oh let me see; Needles!
Mark: Oh you guys are so professional.
?: No, it's not Needles, it's eh
Mark: I mean the way you get to travel to all this exotic towns you get to
play in and play in all these great (?) halls.
Howard: I'm new to it, you know . . .
Mark: Tell me something do you really have a hit single in the charts now,
right now I mean with a bullet. That's really important . . .
Howard: Listen baby would I lie to you just to run my fingers through your
pubes.
Mark: Don't talk to me that way. I am not a groupie.
Howard: I never said you were . . .
Mark: I'm not a groupie, neither are my friends here Jim and Ian and Aynsley
and Don and Frank, none of us are groupies . . .
Howard: Please to meet all you girls.
FZ: Hi Howie!
Mark: Tell him we aren't groupies.
(?) Howard, we only like musicians for friends, you know.
FZ: We still wanna hear your record.
Mark: And we still like to come in the bus.
Howard: Listen now, on the other side of the record didn't you say that you
got off being juked with a baby octopus, and spewed upon with creamcorn and
that your hair lip dike girlfriend had to have it with a hot Seven Up
bottle or he went up the wall, what's the deal
Mark: Oh, Howie.
Howard: What's the deal mamma?
Mark: Howie, all that's true Howie and sometimes I even dig it with a Jack
in the Box ring job. But Howie we are not, we are not groupies Howie.
Howard: I can see that. Listen the thing is baby I want some action you
know. I'm only here for a coupla weeks, recording at the Record Plant with
the naked statue in the bathroom and stuff. I'm horny as fuck! Listen to me
I want a steaming succulent juicy, drippy ever-widening kind of a smelly,
slimy many folded sort of in and out contractin' (sphetered?) kind of a hole
with a, with a . . . Let's see there got to be a way I can put this
discreetly. Let's say we hop in the aisle over those guys in the blue and
fuck baby?
Mark: Hey, hey, hey, I'm in this band man . . . I told you that many times.
No matter what goes on . . . Listen it just so happens tonight . . . I mean
this is unbelievable, are you a Virgo?
Howard: No . . .
Mark: I mean it just so happens tonight, me and my girlfriends well we came
here looking for a guy from a group. But just not any guy from any group.
We're looking for a guy from a group with a dick.
But he's got to have a dick which is a monster.
Howard: THAT'S ME!
Mark: You peeked.
Howard: That's me, you little Westwood wench nipple queen.Take me I'm yours,
you hole, fulfill my wildest dreams . . .
Mark: Oh oh oh, anything for you my most seductive popstar of a man.
Picture this if you can. Beat jobs . . ., knotted nylons, bamboo canes,
three unreleased recording of Crosby Stills Nash and Young fighting at the
Fillmore East, two unreleased recordings of the Grateful Death sitting in
with Mel Tormé.
Howard: No I, oh now oh, I just, I can't stand it, You understand me baby I
mean, I can't stand it, you understand me baby, I mean, I can't stand it, I
can't stand it, I can't stand it, I'm on fire, I'm goin' home. I gotta see
my baby, (?) I can't stand it . . .
[Back in the Zappa residence
Mark Volman:
And sing us the bullet too.
Sing the record, Howie, the one
54.53
FZ: See you later.