FZ: One, Two, three . . .
Mark & Howard:
Billy the Mountain
Billy the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife Ethell
A tree
A tree
Billy was a mountain
Ethell was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder
Billy was a mountain
FZ: Billy was a mountain!
Mark & Howard:
Ethell was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder
FZ: Ethell was a tree growing off of his shoulder.
Howard?: Hey, hey hey!
Mark & Howard:
Billy had two big caves for eyes
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down
And whenever it did
He'd puff out some dust
And hack up a boulder
(Hack!)
Hack up a boulder
(Hack! Hack!)
Hack up a boulder
(Hack! Hack! Hack!)
Hack up a boulder
Mark: Now, one day, now I believe it was on a Tuesday, a man in a checkered double-knit suit drove up in a large El Dorado Cadillac, leased from Bob Spreen.
Howard: Where the freeways meet in Downey!
Mark: And he laid a huge, bulging envelope right at the corner of Billy the Mountain, over that was right where his foot was supposed to be. Now, Billy the Mountain, he couldn't believe it! All those postcards he'd posed for, for all of those years, and finally, now, at last, his royalties!
HowardGroup:
Royalties! FZ & Others:Royalties . . .
Royalties!
Howard: Royalty check is in, honey!
Mark: Yes, Billy the Mountain was rich! Yes, and his eyeball-caves, they widened in amazement, and his jaw, which was a cliff, well it, it dropped thirty feet! A bunch of dust puffed out! Rocks and boulders hacked up (hack! hack!), crushing the Lincoln!
Mark & Howard:
I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hocked up a rock and
It totalled my car
Oh, do you
Know any trucks might
Be bound for the valley?
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No shit!)
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
Mark: By two o'clock, when the bars are had already closed down, Billy had broken the big news to Ethell. And with dust and boulders everywhere, Billy, choked with excitement, announced . . .
Jim & Howard:
Ethell, we're going on a vacation!
Mark: Yes, and they were going on a vacation! Oh, and Ethell, Ethell, Ethell, like every any little woman, she of course was very excited. She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her. Billy told Ethell they were going to . . . Yes! They were going to New York!
Jim & Howard:
Ethell, we're going to . . . New York!
Mark: But first they were gonna stop in Las Vegas!
Mark & Howard:
It's off to Las Vegas
to check out the lounges
Pull a few handles
And drink a few beers
(Oh, Ethell!)
Ethell, my darling
you know that I love you
I'm glad we could have a
Vacation this year
(Oh, neet-o!)
Glad we could have a
Vacation this year
Mark: They left that night, crunchin' across the Mojave Desert. Their voices echoing through the canyons of your minds. (Poo-aah!)
Jim & Howard:
Ethell, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?
Mark & Others:
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Jim & Howard:
Ah! there's a Howard Johnson's! Wanna eat some clams?
Jim: The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was Edwards Air Force Base.
FZ: And to this very day, Wing Nuts and Data Reduction Clerks alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when Test Stand #1 and the rocket sled itself . . .
Mark?: . . . We have a missionignition!
FZ: Got lunched! I said lunched!
Group: Lunched!
FZ: By a famous mountin-in and his small, wooden wife.
Jim: Word just in to the KTTV News Service undeniably links this mountain and his wife to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a San Joaquin Valley smut ring! However, we can assure parents in the Southern California area that a recent narcotics crack-down in Torrance, Hawthorne, Lomita, Westchester, Playa Del Rey, Santa Monica, Tujunga, Sunland, San Fernando, Pacoima, Sylmar, Newhall, Canoga Park, Palmdale, Glendale, Irwindale, Rolling Hills, Granada Hills, Shadow Hills, and Cheviot Hills, will provide the secret evidence the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a criminal indictment, and pave the way for stiffer legislation, increased federal aid, and avert a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians throughout the Inland Empire.
Ian: Within the week . . .
Don: Jerry Lewis had hosted a Telethon . . .
Mark & Howard:
Wah wah wah, nice lady!
Jim: To raise funds for the injured . . .
Mark & Howard:
Injured
Jim: And homeless . . .
Mark & Howard:
Homeless
Mark, Howard & Jim:
In Glendale
FZ: As Billy had just levelled it.
Mark: And, a few miles just right outside of town, Billy caused a . . .
Mark & Howard:
Oh Mein Oh! My Papa
Mark: In the Earth's crust, right over the secret undergraound dumps, right near the Jack-In-The-Box on Glenoaks, where they keep the . . .
Mark & Howard:
Pools of old poison gas
And obsolete germ bombs
Mark: Just as a freak tornado cruised through.
FZ: Yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon when little Howard Kaplan was sitting on his porch . . .
Howard: Toto!
FZ: Just playing . . .
Howard: Come here on, Toto!
FZ: And having a nice time with his little accordion.
Howard: Toto!
FZ: And this weird wind came up.
Howard: Toto!
FZ: Direct from Glendale.
Howard: Toto! Toto!
FZ: Blowing those these terrible germs in his direction.
Howard: Come here, Toto!
FZ: And all of this caused . . .
Howard: Toto!
FZ: By a huge mountain.
Howard: Aunty Em!
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly . . .
Mark: Sucking up two thirds of it (Suck! Suck! Suck!) for untimely dispersal over vast stretches of . . .
Mark & Howard:
Watts!
Mark: Now, unless I misunderstood, it was right outside of Columbus, Ohio, when Billy received his notice to report for his induction physical. Now, let me tell ya, Ethell said, now Ethell, Ethell said she wasn't gonna let him go!
Howard:
I'm not gonna let you go, Billy!
Mark: That's right!
Jim: We now have confirmed reports from an informed Orange County minister, that Ethell is still an active communist, and it is this reporter's opinion that she also practices . . .
Howard?:
Coven!
Jim: Witchcraft!
FZ: It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the secret briefcase belonging to the one mortal man who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save America herself!
Howard: Hooray!
FZ: And I'm sorry to disappoint some of you, it was not Chief ReddenReddin. That This one man was none other than Studebaker Hoch, fantastic new superhero of the current economic slump.
Mark:
Oh
Howard:
Now, some folks say he looked like
Mark:
He was like, he was like
Howard:
Zubin Mehta
Mark:
Zubin Mehta
Howard:
Still others say
Mark:
Others say he
Howard:
Bullshit, honey
Mark:
Bullshit, man
Howard:
He's just another he was just a greasy guy
Mark:
Frozen beef pies
Howard:
Who happened to be born next to the frozen beef pies down at Boney's Market
Mark:
Others say he was just a, just a
Howard:
Still others say, John, piss on you, Jack!
Mark:
Crazy Italian
Howard:
He's Then there are those who claim he was just a crazy Italian who drove a red car
Mark:
Nobody knows for sure 'cause he was so
Howard:
You see, nobody ever really knew for sure, because Studebaker he was so mysterious
Mark:
Mysterious
Mark & Howard:
He was so
Mark:
He was so, he was so
Mark & Howard:
Mysterious
He was so
Mark:
He was so, he was so
Mark & Howard:
Mysterious!
'Cause when a person gets to be
Such a hero, folks
And marvelous beyond compute
You can never really tell about a guy like that
Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he just smiles a lot
(What?)
Or if he has a son named Pinocchio
Or what?
FZ: Whether he's really a nice person or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what?
Mark & Howard:
Some men say he could fly
Some men say he could swim
Others say he could sing like Neil Sedaka
All the girls in Flushing
Would be amazed of him
Mark:
One, Two, Three . . .
Mark & Howard:
AMAZED Mamazed of him
FZ: Amazed!
Howard: Amazed!
Mark: Time passes . . .
FZ:
January
Jim:
February
FZ:
March
Jim:
July
FZ:
Wednesday
Jim:
August
FZ:
Irwindale
Jim:
2:30 in the afternoon
Mark:
Sunday
FZ:
Monday
Mark:
Funny Cars!
FZ:
Walnut!
Jim:
Friday
FZ:
City of Industry
Mark:
Big John MasmanianMazmanian!
Howard:
So when the phone ring rang
In the secret briefcase
A strong masculine hand
With a Dudley Do-Right wristwatch
Mark:
And flexy bracelet
Mark & Howard:
Grabbed it
Jim:
And answered
In a deep calmly assured voice . . .
Howard: So, ah, yeah, yeah, hello already? What? Well, yeah? Ah, are you kidding? You're not kidding. A mountain? With a tree growing off of its his shoulder? Aw, Oh, you're fulla full of shit, man. Ah, listen, by the way, before you I go on. Did you get those white albums I sent ya you with the pencil on the front? Yeah? Yeah, you should move some of those for me, we're having a lot of— Listen, so kiss little Jakee on the head and, ah, how's your wife's hemorrhoids? . . . ahOh, that's too bad. Listen, so you've got a mountain, with a tree. Listen, causing . . . Oh, my! Well, let me write this down. sorta Sort of take a few notes here . . . Yeah? To El Segundo, huh? Causing untold destruction? Oh, God. That's terrible!
Mark:
My baby! My baby! My baby!
Howard: Wanted for draft evasion? Oh. An expense account? And per diem, too?
Mark & Howard:
Some men say he could dance
FZ: They said he could dance, and of course they were right! Ladies and gentlemen, this is it, the Studebaker Hoch Dancing Lesson & Cosmic Prayer For Guidance, featuring Aynsley Dunbar, hit it!
Group:
Hey! Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly!
Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, hey!
Right hand from the heart
Left hand from the heart
Right hand from the heart
Left hand from the left shoulder
To the heart
Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore . . .
FZ: Nobody can dance like Studebaker Hoch! So many rumors have spread about himStudebaker Hoch.
Group:
A rumor . . . a rumor . . . a rumor . . . a rumor . . .
FZ: Consider this onerumor, which was published about three weeks ago in Rolling Stone . . .
Mark: Oh, it's gotta be true!
FZ: Studebaker Hoch can write the Lord's Prayer on the head of a pin!
Mark: No!
Group:
Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO DO DO!
Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO!
etc.
Mark:
Mark:
I'm so hip!
Howard:
Beef pies
He was born next to the beef pies
Underneath
Joni Mitchell's autographed picture
Right beside
Elliot Roberts' big bank book
Next to the boat
Where Crosby flushed away all his stash
So And the cops
Came, and then they took him Got him in the boat and drove away
To the can
Where Neil Young slipped another disc
Mark & Howard:
Froze-ing by the pies!
Froze-ing by the pies!
Froze-ing by the pies!
And that was the main influence on him
FZ: The influence of a frozen beef pie!
Jim: Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife.
Mark: Who ran a modeling school, whereupon he . . . yes, he ran around the back of The Broadway at Hollywood Boulevard and Vine to see if he could find himself some big large, unused cardboard boxes. (No shit!)
Howard: ThenAfter which, he hit up the Ralph's on Sunset for some Aunt Jemima Syrup, some Kaiser Broiler Foil, and a pair of blunt scissors! Hey-hey!
Mark: Yes! Yes, and in the parking lot of Ralph's, where "no prizes prices are lower prizes prices than Ralph's," in the parking lot of Ralph's, in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking, he cut out some really, really, really nice wings, and he covered them thoroughly with foil.
Mark & Howard:
Thoroughly with foil!
Jim: Then he took those wings and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth.
Mark: Yes! Yes! And then he shut the fucking door! And he pulled down his green blue denim Bus Driver policeman type troussertrouser pants, and he spread substantial even amounts of the Aunt Jemima maple syrup all over the inside of his legs. Ah, hah hah hah!
Jim: Soon the booth was filling with flies.
Mark & Howard:
Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!
Jim: He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in.
Mark: Yes!
Jim: Yeah!
Mark: And when each and every one of those little cock-suckin' flies had gone into his pants, and they were lapping up all that maple syrup, he bent over and he put his head between his legs and he said in a very clear, impressive, Ron Hubbard-type voice . . .
Mark & Howard:
New York!
Group:
And the booth
And everything
Lifted up
Out of the parking lot
And into the sky!
Mark & Howard:
Studebaker Hoch
Yeah, yeah
Studebaker Hoch
Stu-de-baker Hoch!
Studebaker Hoch
Yeah, yeah
Studebaker Hoch
Stu-de-baker Hoch!
Studebaker HochHe's
spreading coating his legs
With Aunt Jemima
Syrup up and down
His shorts'll be filled
With flies that will be
Buzzing all around
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He's really outa sight
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He does it every night
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He treats the flies all right
Stoodlabaker Hoch
That's why they never bite, hey!
Please to New York!
Fly to New York!
He could be a dog
Or a frog
Or a lesbian queen
Flies Fly to New York!
He could be a nark
Or a lady marine
Oh-oh Or he might play dirty
He's over thirty
Getting old?
Say!
I don't know!
His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause Ethell is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cause Ethell is gone
And the Mountain she's on
FZ: And speaking of mountains, we'll join Studebaker Hoch on the edge of Billy the Mountain's mouth. Take it away . . .
Howard: Ah, ya, ya ya, hey-ah Billy, ah, listen, I've come to reason with you! Our great country needs you in the Armed Forces! Your number came up. You can't go on running like this forever.
Mark: Oh! But Ethell just shook her twigs angrily, but Studebaker Hoch, calm, cool, collected, and un-ferturbed, continued . . .
Howard: Ya, well listen, you (cough, cough) . . .
Mark, Howard & JimGroup: Listen, you communist son-of-a-bitch! You better get your ass down there for your fuckin' physical, or I'll see to it that you get used for fill dirt in some impending New Jersey marsh reclamation. And your girlfriend there will wind up disguised as a series of brooms, primitive ironing boards, or a dog house. Get the (cough, cough) . . .
Howard: Get the picture?
Mark: Yeah, well, Billy just laughed.
Jim & Howard: Ho, ho, ho!
Jim: If they think they're gonna draft me, they're crazy!
FZ: Unfortunately, because Studebaker Hoch was standing on the edge of Billy the Mountain's mouth when he the giant mountain laughed, Studebaker Hoch lost his footing and fell screaming two hundred feet into the rubble below!
Group: Aaahhhhh . . .
Howard: Oh fuck, I'm gonna need a truss.
FZ: Which only serves to prove . . . Oh, listen, that only goes to show you, and it'll show you once again that . . .
Group:
A mountain is something
You don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
(Don't fuck around)
Don't fuck with Billy (No!)
And don't fuck with Ethell
(You saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies!)
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Mark:
With
Biddilly
Howard:
Biddilly
Ian?:
Biddilly
Don?:
Biddilly
Jim:
Biddilly
Group:
Biddilly the Mountin-innnnnnn!
Mark & Howard:
Eddie, are you kidding?
FZ: Eddie, are you kidding?
FZ: Oh, I forgot to mention this is where we take our intermission, we'll see you in a few minutes.
Mark: Thank you!
FZ: We'll be back!
FZ: One, two, three . . .
Mark & Howard:
BILLY the Mountain
BILLY the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife ETHELL,
A tree!
A tree!
BILLY was a mountain
ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder
BILLY was a mountain
FZ:
BILLY was a mountain!
Mark & Howard:
ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder
FZ:
ETHELL was a tree growing off of his shoulder
Howard?:
(hey, hey hey!)
Mark & Howard:
Billy had two big
Caves for eyes,
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down,
And whenever it did,
He'd puff out some dust,
And hack up a boulder
(HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK! HACK!)
Up a boulder
Mark:
Now, one day, now I believe it was on a Tuesday, a man in a checkered double-knit suit drove up in a large El Dorado Cadillac, leased from BOB SPREEN . . .
Howard:
("Where the freeways meet in Downey!")
Mark:
. . . And he laid a HUGE, BULGING ENVELOPE right at the corner of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, over that was right where his 'foot' was supposed to be.
Now, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, he couldn't believe it! All those postcards he'd posed for, for ALL OF THOSE YEARS, and finally, now, AT LAST, his Royalties!
Howard:
Royalties!
FZ & Others:
Royalties . . .
Royalties!
Howard:
Royalty check is in, honey!
Mark:
Yes, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was RICH! Yes, and his eyeball-caves, they widened in amazement, and his jaw (which was a cliff), well it dropped thirty feet!
A bunch of dust puffed out! Rocks and boulders hacked up, (hack! hack!) crushing 'The LINCOLN'!
Mark & Howard:
I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hocked up a rock and
It TOTALLED my car!
Oh, do you
Know any trucks
Might be bound for THE VALLEY?
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No shit!)
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar!
Mark:
By two o'clock, when the bars are had already closed down, BILLY had broken 'THE BIG NEWS' to ETHELL. And with dust and boulders everywhere, BILLY, choked with excitement, announced . . .
Jim & Howard:
"ETHELL, we're going on a VACATION!"
Mark:
Yes, and they WERE going on a vacation! (Oh, and ETHELL, ETHELL, ETHELL, like every any little woman, she of course was very excited! She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her.) BILLY told ETHELL they were going to . . . Yes! They were going to NEW YORK!
Jim & Howard:
"ETHELL, we're going to . . . New York!"
Mark:
But first they were gonna stop in LAS VEGAS . . .
Mark & Howard:
It's off to LAS VEGAS
to check out the lounges
Pull a few handles,
And drink a few beers,
(Oh, ETHELL!)
ETHELL, my darling,
you know that I love you!
I'm glad we could have a
Vacation this year!
(Oh, NEET-O!)
Glad we could have a
Vacation this year!
Mark:
They left that night, crunchin' across the Mojave Desert . . . their voices echoing through the canyons of your minds (POO-AAH!)
Jim & Howard:
"ETHELL, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?"
Mark & Others:
(Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!)
Jim & Howard:
"Ahhh! there's a HOWARD JOHNSONS! Wanna eat some CLAMS?"
Jim:
The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE . . .
FZ:
And TO THIS VERY DAY, 'Wing Nuts' and Data Reduction Clerks alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when TEST STAND #1 and THE ROCKET SLED ITSELF . . .
Mark?:
(We have a missionignition!)
FZ:
. . . got LUNCHED! I said LUNCHED!
All:
(Lunched!)
FZ:
By a FAMOUS MOUNTAIN-IN and his SMALL, WOODEN WIFE.
Jim:
"Word just in to the KTTV News Service undeniably links THIS MOUNTAIN and HIS WIFE to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a San Joaquin Valley SMUT RING! However, we can assure parents in the Southern California area that a recent NARCOTICS CRACK-DOWN, in Torrance, Hawthorne, Lomita, Westchester, Playa Del Rey, Santa Monica, Tujunga, Sunland, San Fernando, Pacoima, Sylmar, Newhall, Canoga Park, Palmdale, Glendale, Irwindale, Rolling Hills, Granada Hills, Shadow Hills, and Cheviot Hills, will provide the SECRET EVIDENCE the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a CRIMINAL INDICTMENT, and pave the way for STIFFER LEGISLATION, increased FEDERAL AID, and AVERT A CRIPPLING STRIKE of Bartenders and Veterinarians throughout the INLAND EMPIRE . . . "
Ian:
WITHIN THE WEEK
Don:
Jerry Lewis had hosted a Telethon
Mark & Howard:
("Wah wah wah, nice lady!")
Jim:
to raise funds for the injured
Mark & Howard:
(injured . . . )
Jim:
and homeless
Mark & Howard:
(homeless . . . )
Mark, Howard & Jim:
in Glendale
FZ:
as BILLY had just levelled it
Mark:
and, a few miles just right outside of town, BILLY caused a
Mark & Howard:
'Oh Mein Oh! My Papa'
Mark:
in the Earth's crust, right over the SECRET UNDERGROUND DUMPS (right near the 'Jack-In-The-Box' on Glenoaks) where they keep the
Mark & Howard:
POOLS OF OLD POISON GAS, and OBSOLETE GERM BOMBS
Mark:
just as a FREAK TORNADO cruised through . . .
FZ:
Yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon when little Howard Kaplan was sitting on his porch
Howard:
( "Toto . . . !")
FZ:
just playing
Howard:
("Come here on, Toto . . . !")
FZ:
and having a nice time with his little accordion
Howard:
("Toto . . . !")
FZ:
and this weird wind came up
Howard:
("Toto . . . !")
FZ:
direct from Glendale
Howard:
("Toto . . . ! Toto . . . !")
FZ:
blowing those these terrible germs in his direction
Howard:
("Come here, Toto . . . !")
FZ:
and all of this caused
Howard:
("Toto . . . !")
FZ:
by a huge mountain
Howard:
("Aunty Em!")!
"Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly . . . "
Mark:
. . . sucking up two thirds of it (SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!) for UNTIMELY DISPERSAL over VAST STRETCHES of
Mark & Howard:
WATTS!!!
Mark:
Now, unless I misunderstood, it was right outside of Columbus, Ohio when BILLY received his NOTICE TO REPORT for his INDUCTION PHYSICAL. Now, lemme tell ya, ETHELL said, now ETHELL, ETHELL said she wasn't gonna let him go!
Howard:
"I'm not gonna let you go, BILLY!"
Mark:
THAT'S RIGHT!
Jim:
"We now have CONFIRMED REPORTS from an INFORMED ORANGE COUNTY MINISTER, that ETHELL is still an ACTIVE COMMUNIST, and it is This Reporter's Opinion that she also practices . . . "
Howard?:
(COVEN!)
Jim:
"WITCH-CRAFT!"
FZ:
It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the SECRET BRIEFCASE belonging to THE ONE MORTAL MAN who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save 'AMERICA HERSELF'! (And I'm sorry to disappoint some of you, it was not Chief ReddenReddin) That This one MAN was none other than STUDEBAKER HOCH, fantastic new SUPER HERO of the CURRENT ECONOMIC SLUMP.
Mark:
(Oh)
Howard:
Now, some folks say he looked like
Mark:
(he was like, he was like)
Howard:
ZUBIN MEHTA
Mark:
(Zubin Mehta)
Howard:
still others say
Mark:
(others say he)
Howard:
bullshit, honey
Mark:
(bullshit, man)
Howard:
he's just another he was just a greasy guy who happened to be born next to the Frozen Beef Pies down at BONEY'S MARKET.
Mark:
(Others say he was just a, just a)
Howard:
Still others say, John, piss on you, Jack!
Mark:
(crazy Italian)
Howard:
He's Then there are those who claim he was just a crazy Italian who drove a RED CAR. You see
Mark:
(nobody knows for sure 'cause he was so)
Howard:
nobody ever really knew for sure, because STUDEBAKER he was so-o-o-o-o-o mysterious
Mark:
(mysterious) . . .
Howard:
HE WAS SO
Mark:
(He was so, he was so!)
Mark & Howard:
MYSTERIOUS!
HE WAS SO
(He was so, he was so!)
MYSTERIOUS!
'Cuz when a person gets to be
Such a HERO, folks,
And MARVELOUS BEYOND COMPUTE,
You can never REALLY TELL
About a GUY LIKE THAT
(Whether he's really a NICE PERSON
Or if he just SMILES A LOT),
(What?)
Or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO',
Or what?
FZ:
Whether he's really a NICE PERSON or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO' or what?
Mark & Howard:
Some men say he could FLY
Some men say he could SWIM
Others say he could SING (like NEIL SEDAKA),
And all the girls in FLUSHING
Would be AMAZED of HIM
Mark:
(One, Two, Three!)
Mark & Howard:
AMAZED MAMAZED of HIM!
FZ:
(Amazed!)
Howard:
(Amazed!)
Mark:
Time passes . . .
FZ:
January
Jim:
February
FZ:
March
Jim:
July . . .
FZ:
Wednesday . . .
Jim:
August . . .
FZ:
Irwindale . . .
Jim:
. . . 2:30 in the afternoon
Mark:
Sunday
FZ:
Monday . . .
Mark:
Funny Cars!
FZ:
Walnut!
Jim:
Friday
FZ:
City of Industry . . .
Mark:
Big John MasmanianMazmanian!
Howard:
So when the phone ring rang In the secret briefcase,
A strong masculine hand
With a Dudley Do-Right wristwatch
Mark:
And flexy bracelet
Mark & Howard:
GRABBED IT
Jim:
And answered
In a deep, calmly assured voice . . .
Howard:
"So . . . ah . . . yeah, yeah, hello already . . . what? . . . Well, yeah? . . . Ah, are you kidding . . . ? You're not kidding . . . a mountain . . . ? With a tree growing off of its shoulder . . . ? Aw, you're fulla shit, man . . . ah, listen, by the way, before you I go on; did you get those white albums I sent ya with the pencil on the front . . . ? Yeah . . . ? Yeah, you should move some of those for me, we're having a lot of . . . listen, so kiss little Jakee on the head . . . and, ah, how's your wife's hemorrhoids? . . . ahOh, that's too bad . . . Listen . . . so you've got a mountain, with a tree, listen, causing . . . oh, my! Well, let me write this down . . . sorta take a few notes here . . . yeah . . . ? To El Segundo, huh? Causing UNTOLD DESTRUCTION? . . . oh . . . God . . . That's terrible! . . . (my baby, my baby) Wanted for DRAFT EVASION? An expense account? And per diem, too?"
Mark & Howard:
SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE!
FZ:
They said he could DANCE, and, of course, THEY were right! Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it, THE STUDEBAKER HOCH DANCING LESSON & COSMIC PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE featuring Aynsley Dunbar, hit it!
Mothers:
Hey! Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly!
Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore . . . Hey!
RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
LEFT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
LEFT HAND FROM THE LEFT SHOULDER
TO THE HEART-UH
Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore . . .
FZ:
NOBODY can DANCE like STUDEBAKER HOCH! So many rumors have spread about himSTUDEBAKER HOCH!
Mothers:
(A rumor . . . a rumor . . . a rumor . . . a rumor . . . )
FZ:
Consider this onerumor, which was published about three weeks ago in ROLLING STONE!
Mark:
Oh, it's gotta be true!
FZ:
STUDEBAKER HOCH can write THE LORD'S Prayer on the head of a pin!
Mark:
"NO!"
Mothers:
Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO DO DO!
Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO!
etc.
Mark:
(I'm so HIP!)
BEEF PIES!
He was born next to the BEEF PIES,
Underneath JONI MITCHELL'S autographed picture,
Right beside ELLIOT ROBERTS' big Bank Book,
Next to the boat
Where CROSBY flushed away all his stash
So And the cops
Came, and then they took him Got him in the boat and drove away
To THE CAN
Where Neil Young slipped another disc
Mark & Howard:
FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!
(And that was the main influence on HIM!)
FZ:
The influence of a Frozen Beef Pie!
Jim:
Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife
Mark:
(who ran a modeling school), WHEREUPON HE . . . yes, HE ran around the back of 'THE BROADWAY' at Hollywood Boulevard and Vine to see if he could find himself some big large, un-used cardboard boxes (no shit!)
Howard:
ThenAfter which, he hit up the RALPH'S on Sunset for some 'AUNT JEMIMA SYRUP', some 'KAISER BROILER FOIL', and a pair of blunt scissors! Hey-hey!
Mark:
Yes! Yes, and in the parking lot of RALPH'S, where "no prizes prices are lower prizes prices than RALPH'S," in the parking lot of RALPH'S (in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking), he cut out some really, really, really NICE WINGS, and he covered them thoroughly with foil!
Mark & Howard:
Thorough-LY wi-TH (e-e-e-e-e) FOIL-L-L!
Jim:
Then he took those 'WINGS' and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth . . .
Mark:
YES!! Yes! And then he SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR! And he pulled down his green blue denim Bus Driver policeman type troussertrouserpants, and he spread substantial even amounts of the AUNT JEMIMA maple syrup all over the inside of his legs!
Jim:
Soon the booth was filling with flies!
Mark & Howard:
(Help me, help me, help me!)
Jim:
He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in
Mark:
(Yes! Yeah!), and when each and every one of those little cocksuckin' flies had gone into his pants, and they were lapping up all that maple syrup, he bent over and he put his head between his legs and he said in a very clear, impressive, RON HUBBARD-type voice . . .
Mothers:
"NEW YORK!"
. . . and the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking lot, and into the sky!
Mark & Howard:
STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!
STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!
STUDEBAKER HOCHHe's
spreading coating his legs
With AUNT JEMIMA syrup up and down!
His shorts'll be filled with flies
That will be buzzing all around!
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He's really outa sight!
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He does it every night!
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He treats the flies all right
STOODLA-BAKER HOCH
That's why they never bite, hey!
(Please to New York!
Fly to New York!)
He could be a DOG
Or a FROG
Or a LESBIAN QUEEN!
(Flies Fly to New York!)
He could be a NARK
Or a LADY MARINE!
Oh-oh Or he might play dirty!
He's OVER THIRTY!
(Getting old? Say! I don't know!)
His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
And THE MOUNTAIN she's on
FZ:
And speaking of mountains, we'll join STUDEBAKER HOCH on the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth. Take it away . . .
Howard:
"Ah . . . ya, ya, ya, hey-ah BILLY, ah, listen . . . I've come to REASON with you! Our GREAT COUNTRY needs you in the Armed Forces! Your NUMBER came up . . . you can't go on running like this forever."
Mark:
Oh! But ETHELL just shook her twigs angrily, but STUDEBAKER HOCH, calm, cool, collected, and UN-ferturbed, continued . . .
Howard:
"Ya, well listen, you (cough cough) . . . "
Mark, Howard & Jim:
"Listen, you COMMUNIST SON-OF-A-BITCH! You better get your ass down there for your fuckin' physical, or I'll see to it that you get used for FILL DIRT in some impending New Jersey MARSH RECLAMATION . . . and your girl-friend there will wind up disguised as a series of brooms, primitive ironing boards (or a DOG HOUSE) . . . get the (cough, cough) . . . "
Howard:
"GET THE PICTURE?"
Mark:
Yeah, well, BILLY just laughed . . .
Jim & Howard:
"HO, HO, HO!"
Jim:
"If they think they're gonna draft ME, they're CRAZY!"
FZ:
Unfortunately, because STUDEBAKER HOCH was standing on the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth when he the giant mountain laughed, STUDEBAKER HOCH lost his footing and fell, screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below!
Mark & Howard:
"Aaahhhhh . . . "
Howard:
"Oh fuck, I'm gonna need a TRUSS . . . "
FZ:
Which only serves to prove . . . Oh, listen, that only goes to show you, and it'll show you once again that . . .
Mothers:
A Mountain is something
You don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
(Don't fuck around)
Don't fuck with BILLY (No!)
And don't fuck with ETHELL
(You saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies!)
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
With
Biddilly, Biddilly
Biddilly, Biddilly, Biddilly
Mark & Howard:
BIDDILLY
THE
MOUNTIN-INNNNNNN!
(Eddie, are you kidding?)
FZ:
Eddie, are you kidding?
FZ: Oh, I forgot to mention this is where we take our intermission, we'll see you in a few minutes . . .
Mark?: Thank you!
FZ: We'll be back!
Call any vegetable
Call it by name
You gotta call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Yeah . . .
The vegetable will respond to you
The vegetable will respond to you
Call any vegetable
Pick up your phone
Think of a vegetable
Lonely at home
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Yeah . . .
The vegetable will respond to you
The vegetable will respond to you
Rutabaga
Rutabaga
Rutabaga
Rutabaga
Rutabay-y-y-y . . .
No one will know
If you don't want to let 'em know
No one will know
'Less it's you that might tell 'em so
Call and they'll come to you
Smiling and covered with dew
Vegetables dream
Vegetables dream
Vegetables dream
Of responding to you
Standing there shiny
And proud by your side
Holding your joint
While the neighbors decide
Why is a vegetable
Something to hide?
To hide!
To hide!
To hide!
Shoo-shoo Shoo-shoo
Shoo-shoo Shoo-shoo . . .
FZ: You know, a lot of people don't bother about there their friends in the vegetable kingdom. They, they think, "What can I say?" Some times they think, "Where can I go?"
MarkHoward: Where can I go to get my poodle clipped in Burbank?
HowardMark: At Ralph's vegetarian poodle clippin', where you can come this . . .
MarkHoward: Where can I go to get organic vaseline for my intercourse?
HowardMark: At Bob and Ray's swaheli restorantSwahili restaurant, where you can come this close . . .
MarkHoward: Where can I go to get my jeans embroided at Fullurton embroidered in Fullerton?
HowardMark: At Jeans, at Jeans North where nothing fits.
MarkHoward: Where can I go to get my zipper repaired in Hollywood?
HowardMark: Who gives the a fuck anyway!
MarkHoward: Where can I go to get my speakers fixed?
HowardMark: Hey! At Jack La . . .
MarkHoward: Where can I go to get my exit lights?
HowardMark: At Jack LaLane La Lanne Hamburgers on 312 Woodier(?) Boulavard Whittier Boulevard.
MarkHoward: Where can I go to get my stomach pumped? Where can I go to colapsecollapse?
HowardMark: Hey, De-dueAdee do.
FZ: Questions, questions, questions, flooding into the mind of the concerned young person today. Ah, but it's a great time to be alive, ladies and gentlemen. And that's the theme of our program for tonight. It's so fucking great to be alive is what the theme of our show is tonight, boys and girls. And I'm I wanna tell ya, if there is anybody here who doesn't believe that it is fucking great to be alive, I wish that they would go now, because this show will only would will bring them down so much.
God bless America
Land that I . . .
Call any vegetable
Call it by name
You gotta call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Oh! That the vegetable will respond to you
HowardMark: And if you're a consenting adult we want you to call today. In Los Angeles, the number is Richmond 96135RIchmond 9-6135, in Downey, it's 3478932347-8932.
Call it direct
Call it collect
But call it today!
Group:
Eddie, are you kidding?
I've seen you on my TV
Eddie, are you kidding?
The people always ask me
I saw your double knits
I thought they were the pits
You threw it in a bag
And then you sent me home
What?
Eddie, are you kidding?
No! No!
Eddie, are you kidding?
No! No!
Eddie, are you teasing
About your rancid garments?
Eddie, are you teasing
About your sixty tailors?
I'm coming over shortly
Because I am a portly
You promised you could fit me
In a fifty dollar suit
Oh!
Eddie, are you kidding?
No! No!
Eddie, are you kidding?
No! No!
Howard: "Eddie," my friends ask me, "Eddie, Eddie, are you kidding?" I wanna tell you something, my friends, I am not kidding. Here at Zachary All we have sixty tailors in the back room. We have the West's largest selections selection of portly'sportlies, regulars, longs, extra longs, and cadets. And my friends say to me, "Eddie, Eddie, what do you think of the new double knits?"
Mark: Eddie, what do you think of the new double knits?
Howard: And I tell them, I'll tell you something frankly, my friends. When the new double knits first came out, I was not impressed. But as you can see, these pants I'm wearing are double knit. They stretch in all the right places. They're the most comfortable. Our model Twiggy here will demostratedemonstrate. I have this lovely little seersucker . . . Wait a minute.
Howard:
Where can I go in Gardena?
Mark:
And where can I go in L.A.?
Howard:
And where can I go in Rosemont?
Mark & Howard:
I need some threads today!
Group:
I need the knits
The double knits
I need the knits
They are the pits
I need the knits
The double knits
I'm coming over shortly
Because I am a portly
You promised you could fit me
In a fifty dollar suit
Whew!
Eddie, are you kidding?
No! No!
Eddie, are you kidding?
No! No!
Eddie, are you kidding?
No! No!
Eddie, are you kidding me?
Eddie, are you kidding me?
Eddie, are you kidding me?
Howard: No, my friends, I'm I am not kidding, right here on the miracle mile Miracle Mile we have the West's largest selections of . . .
Jim:
Portly
FZ:
Regular
Ian?:
Cadet
Howard:
Tall
Mark:
And long
Howard: And not only that—My brother Jake and Little Emil, and . . .
Group:
Sixty tailors!
Hey!
Ha!
Ooh!
Howard:
There was a man
A little ole old man
Who lived in Montreal
With a wife and a kid
And a car and a house
And a teen-age daughter
With a see-thru blouse
Who loved to grunt and ball
And her name was Magdalena
Magdalena
The little ole old man
Came home one night
To his house in Montreal
He caught his daughter
In the blouse by the light
And he said to himself
"She looks all right!"
And he reached for a tit
And grabbed it tight
And threw her up against the wall
(Blue Cross!)
Magdalena
Group:
My daughter dear, do not be concerned
When your Canadian daddy comes near
My daughter dear, do not be concerned
When your Canadian daddy comes near
I work so hard, don't you understand
Making maple syrup for the pancakes of our land
Do you have any idea?
What that can do to a man?
What that can do to a man?
Do you have any idea?
What that can do to a man?
What that can do to a man?
Howard:
The little ole old man
With the grubby little hand
Who lived in Montreal
Was drooling a bit
As he reached for her tit
And he said to himself
"This is gonna be it!"
But the girl turned around
And said, "Go eat shit!"
And ran on down the hall
Right on, Magdalena!
Group:
My daughter dear, do not be concerned
When your Canadian daddy comes near
My daughter dear, do not be concerned
When your Canadian daddy comes near
I work so hard, don't you understand
Making maple syrup for the pancakes of our land
Do you have any idea?
What that can do to a man?
What that can do to a man?
Do you have any idea?
What that can do to a man?
What that can do to a man?
Mark: Tell 'em!
Howard:
Magdalena, don't you tease me like this
Right in the hallway with your blouse and your tits
If your mommy ever finds us like this
She'll call a lawyer, oh, how mom will be pissed
DOODLE DOODLE DOODLE DUH-DUH DEE-UHDOODLE-OODLE-OODLE DOOT-DOO DEE-OOH
DOODLE DOODLE DOODLE DUH-DUH DEE-UH
DOODLE DOODLE DOODLE DUH-DUH DEE-UH
DOODLE DOODLE DOODLE DUH-DUH DEE-UH
DOODLE-OODLE-OODLE DOOT-DOO DEE-OOH
DOODLE-OODLE-OODLE DOOT-DOO DEE-OOH
DOODLE-OODLE-OODLE DOOT-DOO DEE-OOH-WAH . . .
Magdalena, Magdalena, Magdalena, Magdalena,
Daughter of the smog-filled winds of Los Angeles,
I'd like to take you in the closet and take off your little clothes until you are virtually stark raving nude,
Spread mayonaise
And kaopectate all over your body and take you down to Hollywood Boulevard and we can,
We can walk down the streets by the stars that say John Jon Provost and Leo G. Carrol Carroll together, baby.
We can go dancing up at the Cina Grill Cinegrill
Can't you see it, Frank Pernell Parnell and us, until dark,
Don't you understand, my baby?
I didn't mean, I didn't need, I mean, it was so hard for me, I just . . .
I saw you standing under the Shell pest strip late last night,
In the light,
With your little nipples protruding through your little see-thru thingie, and I just said, "My God!"
Group:
Tit tit tit tit, tit tit tit tit, tit tit tit tit, oo-ahh . . . etc.
Howard:
"My God, I gave my sperm to this thing!" And now I just,
Oh, you got me so hard, I just,
I don't know what to do, Magdalena, don't you understand? So I grabbed you, but,
But don't hold it against me, I mean,
Your mom will never know, baby, and I wantcha to come back to me,
I mean, do you understand me? I want you to . . .
I'm down on my knees to yayou, Magdalena! I wantcha ta want you to walk back to me, baby,
I wantcha want you to turn around by the Sparkletts machine.
That's it! That's it! In the little chartreuse hallway with the little neon Jesus picture on the wall
Group:
Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk . . . etc.
Howard:
And I want you to step, baby,
I want you to walk back in your five inch spike heels that you got at Frederick's,
Same time you and your mommy got that crotchless underwear last year for the Christmas,
And I want you to stroll back to me, baby
Walk back, baby, don'tcha don't you understand me, baby?
I want you to walk back
I'm down on bended knees, baby
I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I wanna take off your little training bra
Don't you understand me?
I'm gonna take off you little maroon hot pants
I'm gonna get down on my knees, baby, dont'cha don't you understand what I'm saying to you?
Your mom will never know, she's playing bridge with the girls,
And you and I . . .
You and I will go sucking som'thing, baby,
It's just you and I, don'tcha don't you understand?
We can make love all night long,
Nobody will ever know,
Come on, Magdalena!
Please, little girl,
Walk back to your daddy,
What did I do that was so wrong?
My God, I was only following the sexual impulse like I heard on the Johnny Carson Show from a book or something I that some guy wrote,
I didn't know what I was doing
I got carried away
What can I say like, like . . .
Walk back, baby,
Come on,
Oh, please, you gotta walk back, baby, walk back,
Walk back to your daddy!
Come on, Magdalena, to your daddy, baby, you gotta walk back, baby, walk back,
Walk back, baby, walk back,
Your mom will never know,
Your mom will never know,
Walk back, baby, walk back,
Walk back, baby, walk back,
Magdalena, come back,
Come back to you daddy,
Walk back, baby,
Walk back, baby,
Walk,
Walk,
Walk,
Walk,
Walk!
Walk to your daddy,
Come on down, stroll it around of me,
I'm down on my knees, don't you understand?
Your mom will never know,
I told you so . . .
Mark?:
I love you, Magdalena!
Howard:
You know what . . .
I said . . .
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-yah!
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-yah!
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-yah!
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-yah!
Primer mi carucha (Chevy '39)
Going to El Monte Legion Stadium
Pick up on my weesa (she is so divine)
Helps me stealing hub caps
Wasted all the time
Fuzzy Dice
(Fuzzy Dice)
Bongos in the back
My ship of love
(My ship of love)
Is ready to attack
Paint Buy me a Primer mi carucha (Chevy '39)
Going to El Monte Legion Stadium
Pick up on my weesa (she is so divine)
Helps me stealing hub caps
Wasted all the time
Fuzzy Dice
(Fuzzy Dice)
Bongos in the back
My ship of love
(My ship of love)
Is ready to attack
Won't you please hear my plea
Won't you please hear my plea
Hear my plea, hear my plea
Hear my plea, hear my plea
Yeah!
Hear my plea, hear my plea
Hear my plea, hear my plea
Thank you very much! Yeah!