Voice #1: Frank, the girls are comin' to get youya
FZ: Great . . .
Emcee: (mumble, mumble) Frank Zappa, Mothers Of Invention, hey!
Girl #1: Frank, Frank! Sign us, please! Come on, please!
Guy #1: Hi, man!
Girl #1: Don't touch me, I gotta get his autograph
Girl #2: Hey Frank
Guy #2: Frank! fantastic
Mother: Testing, 1-2-3-4, testing
Guy #3: Four Far fuckin' fourout!
Girl #3: Wowie Zowie
Aynsley: This is a test
Mother: Oh, my hair is getting good in the back
FZ: Okay, listen, this is very important, okay? Your attention please. An important public announcement: It is necessary for me to tell you at this point that there's there is a clause in our contract here tonight that says if anything nasty happens on stage, terrible things happen to us, so!
Audience: Boooo! Boooo!
FZ: We just, we just want to assure you that our only interest here is doing a swell job for you.
Audience: Yay!
FZ: However! It is also necessary to prove our good intentions before we begin by reciting our MOTHERS OF INVENTION ANTI-SMUT LOYALTY OATH.
Audience: Yeay! Yeah!
FZ: If the members of our rocking teen combo will please repeat after me:
I, Frank
(I, Jeff Simmons/Mark Volman/Howard Kaylan/Ian Underwood/George Duke/Aynsley Dunbar)
Do hereby solemnly swear
(Do hereby solemnly swear)
In accordance with the regulations in the contract with this here rock & roll engagement
(In accordance with regulations in the contract of this here rock & roll engagement)
And the imbecilic laws of the state of Florida
(And the IMBECILIC laws of the state of Florida)
And respective regulations perpetrated by rednecks everywhere
(And respective regulations perpetrated by REDNECKS EVERYWHERE)
DO HEREBY SOLEMNLY SWEAR
(DO HEREBY SOLEMNLY SWEAR)
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES
(UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES)
TO REVEAL MY TUBE
(TO REVEAL MY TUBE)
WAD
(WAD)
DINGUS
(DINGUS)
WEE-WEE
(WEE-WEE)
AND/OR PENIS ANY PLACE ON THIS STAGE.
(AND/OR PENIS ANY PLACE ON THIS STAGE.)
This does not include private showings in the motel room however.
(This does not include private showings in the motel room, which is the Ramada Inn.)
FZ:
In the beginning God made the light. Shortly thereafter God made three big mistakes. The first mistake was called Man, the second mistake was called Wo-man, and the third mistake was the invention of the poodle. Now the reason the poodle was such a big mistake is because God originally wanted to build a Schnauzer, but he fucked up. Now a long time ago, the poodle used to be a very attractive dog. The poodle had hair evenly distributed all over it's its small piquant canine type body. That's the way it used to be, the poodle used to be a regular looking dog. You know it's true, I guess you do too. (Oh, I have to kiss you? Oh okay.)
Anyway listen, check this out. The poodle used to look good, you know the regular dogs that used to hang out in the neighbourhood neighborhood looked at the poodle, and they didn't think anything of it. You know, they didn't use to make fun of it in the olden days. But the Wo-man, as you know, has always been much smarter than the man.
Guy In The Audience:
You're the best!
FZ:
That stuff is very bad for you, throw it away, okay. Now you're interrupting my story, now listen . . . What is that? Is that the Tower of Power or what? Oh no no, it's one of those dope fiend devices, take it away.
Now listen . . .
The Wo-man has always been much smarter than the Man, you know this is true. And so it was since the beginning of time. The Man would do anything to get some pussy. And that's why the Wo-man always had control over him.
In the beginning the Wo-man looked the Man directly into the eye and said, "I tell you what, why don't you go get a job because I could use a few nice things around the house. Mainly what I need is a clipper, a scissors, and a pair of zircon-encrusted tweezers." (Thank you very much.)
And of course the Man did his duty as they say in the trade. He went out and he got a goddamn job. Went out and pushed that broom around for about a dollar-2.98 an hour, brought his money back to the Garden of Eden and gave that money to the Wo-man.
The Wo-man ran out the back door of the Garden of Eden, went directly to the hardware store, got the clippers, the scissors and the zircon-encrusted tweezers and came back and, while the Man was very tired from having his job, while he was sleeping, the Wo-man got a hold of the poodle. Because the Wo-man had noticed earlier that the length and the proportion of the poodle oral appendage—the tongue of the dog in other words, ladies and gentlemen—was very much to her liking, except that this dog had too goddamn much hair on it. It didn't have the disco look that's so popular nowadays.
And so the Wo-man sat set out to modify the aforementioned dog. Let me get a little ehuh, visual aid . . .
Now she took the dog and she cleaned it up a little bit. You see, she took a little bit of off the back-part here, around the neck, the thorax, the tootsies. Got all of the unwanted extranious extraneous material off this area which we shall call Burbank. and Then she sat set the little sucker up like this, really nice, got his mouth set up like that. And squatted right on him! Looking down into the dog's eyes. She looked down into the dog's eyes, do you know what she said to the dog?
She said . . .
Give me
Your dirty love
Like you might surrender
To some dragon in your dreams
Give me
Your dirty love
Like a pink donation
To the dragon in your dreams
I don't need want your sweet devotion
An' I don't want your cheap emotion
Whip me up some dragon lotion
For your dirty love
Your That dirty love
That dirty love
That dirty love
Give me
Your dirty love
Like some tacky little pamphlet
In your daddy's bottom drawer
Give me
Your dirty love
I don't believe you never seen
His book before
I don't need no consolationwant your reservation
I don't want your reservationneed your perspiration
I only got one destination
An' that's your dirty love
Your That dirty love
That dirty love
That dirty love
awrightAll right!
Give me
Your dirty love
(Ooh-hoo)Just like your mama
Make her that fuzzy poodle do
Give me
(Ow-haa)Your dirty love
(Ooh-hoo)
The way Just like your mama
Make that nasty poodle chew
I'll ignore your cheap aroma
And your little-bo-peep diploma
I'll just put you in a coma
With some dirty love
Some That dirty love
That dirty love
That dirty love
(Everybody poodle!)
All right!
The poodle bites!
The poodle chews it!
The poodle bites!
The poodle chews it!
The poodle bites!
(Simulated merriment live in London)
The poodle chews it!
The poodle bites!
The poodle chews it!
(Little paws sticking up!)
The poodle bites!
The poodle chews it!
(Little curly head!)
The poodle bites!
(Little paws sticking up!)
The poodle chews it!
The poodle bites!
(And the little curly head)
The poodle chews it!
(The little teeny weeny black poodle lips)
The poodle bites!
The poodle chews it!
(Not a speck of cereal for my dog!)
The poodle bites!
The poodle chews it!
The poodle bites!
The poodle chews it!
The poodle bites!
'N And the poodle chews it!
The poodle bites!
The poodle chews it!
The poodle bites!
(Come on, Frenchie!)
The poodle chews it!
Awright All right . . .
Ray:
Ooh, the way you love me, ladybaby
I get so hard now I could die, aaahh!
An' ooh, the way you love me, sugar
I get so hard now I could die (why don'tcha . . . )
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
And Try me on for size, yeah!
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
And Try me on for size (say . . . )
Group:
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, babyhoney
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes, say!
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes, oh!
Ray:
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
And Try me on for size
Ike:
It ain't that big!
Ray:
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
And Try me on for size
Ray:
Ooo-ooo-ooo-oohOh! You got that kind of love that lingers
Ooo-ooo-ooo-oohHey girl! This here bed's got magic fingers
FZ:
I've Been a rollin' a-rollin' on the bed since the show got out
Now I'm gettin' weak in the knees
Must have did that lady it eighty, ninety times
It might have been a hundred
But you're the kind of girl that I really wanna please
You're the kind of girl that I really wanna please
Ike:
Ike: okay..Oh, girl . . . hoo!
Bob & Arthur:
Oh, Do you really wanna please me?
FZ & Ike:
You know I do, baby
Bob & Arthur:
WellAh, tell me why you do it
I really wanna know
FZ & Ike:
Oh, no, no, I Well, it wouldn't be right
For me to tell you tonight
Bob & Arthur:
You better tell me right away
Or I pack dress up and go!
FZ & Ike:
Don't get mad
It ain't no big thing
Bob & Arthur:
You better tell me right away
Don't you treat me cold
FZ & Ike:
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it!
Bob & Arthur:
I'm holding it
FZ:
It's good for you
Bob & Arthur:
I'm holding it
FZ:
It's good for you
Bob & Arthur:
I'm really holding it
FZ:
I know you're really holding it
And it's so very very good for you
I wish you would you'd let go off of the pants now
Oh, let go of off of the pants!
FZ: Well it's contest time ladies and gentlemen. Direct from Madison, Wisconsin, it's the Madison Panty-Sniffing Festival, just as promised.
Vinnie: Cough!
FZ: Heavy duty?
Guy From The Audience: Did it taste good?
FZ: Maroon nylon heavy duty. Okay . . . Light blue cotton with tiny skid . . . . That's getting him very excited because it appears that the bottom parts of those pants are welded together. Okay let's try this, alice blue nylon . . .
Vinnie: They These smell like the same ones I had last night.
FZ: For those of you who didn't hear he says those smell like the same ones he had last night. Did you like them? You don't like those?
Vinnie: Whoever Maybe they are, they're just maybe she's following us around.
FZ: Black nylon!
Vinnie: Ooooohhhh please!
FZ: Black nylon, re . . . e-hem, registring a 19 on the Richter scale.
Vinnie: Oh, God . . . gotta keep on . . . hah hah, it's fuckin' disgusting!
FZ: These are very light blue and apparently have come in contact with some corrosive material that has eaten the bottom out of it.
Vinnie: China syndrome.
FZ: What?
Vinnie: China syndrome!
FZ: Yeah, ha ha ha ha ha! Awright, rustic hokey pokey, model number thirteen.
Vinnie: Oorhh, nehh. (hack, hack)
FZ: Blue with the little embroidered things on the front.
Vinnie: This smells like armpits. Ugh . . . FZ: Okay who wins? Those belong to Chuck Eldridge.
Ike: Hi.
FZ: Sorry.
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
He was the Playboy Type (he smoked a pipe)
His fav'rite phrase was "outa-site!"
He had an Irish Setter
(Arf!)
It was a singles bar, a Tuesday night
The moon was dim, the band was tight
They did the Bump together
What a splendid sight
(Roon doon Roh-hon doon doon)
Her teeth were white
(Oo-ah oo-ooohRoo-teeh roo-teeh)
The drinks shorts were cheap striped
(It was Ladies Nite)
He was glad that he met her
She He was an office girl boy
(My His name is was Betty)
Her fav'rite group was Twisted Sister
(They discussed the weather) AAAH!
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Man!
She was a lonely sort, just a little too short
Her jokes were dumb and her fav'rite sport
Was hockey (in the winter)
(Mumble-mumble . . . He scores!)
He was duly impressed and was quick to suggest
Any sport with a PUCK SCHMUCK had to be 'bout the best
As he jabbed his elbow in her
(Get it honey? Get it honey?)
(I mean that, I mean that)
Later on they went off to where the music was soft
The candles were drippy, they saw a real hippy
Who delivered their dinner
(Hey . . . )
The rice was brown, and soon they found
That the crowd around that had jammed the room
Well it seemed to be getting thinner
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Man!
He took her home to a motor court (hey Say . . . )
She wouldn't kiss him, he tried to ignore it
But it made him angry!
(You know it, I spent so much fuckin' money on you
An' you just make me look like an asshole!)
He called her a pig
(Pig pig pig . . . )
A slut
(Slut slut slut . . . )
And a whore
(Whore whore whore . . . )
A bitch
(Bitch bitch bitch . . . )
And a Republican
(Republican!)
And she slammed the door
(The door!)
In a petulant frenzy!
(A petulant frenzy!
This is a petulant frenzy!
I'm petulant
And I'm having a frenzy!)
On the sofa she weeps
(Boo hoo hoo hoo)
She weeps and she weeps
(Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
She weeps and she peeps
Through the curtain
He just got in his car
But the battery's dead
So he ask has to use the phone
And she gives him some head
And that's the end of the storysound of Long Island
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Man!
Baby, don't you want a man sometimes?
FZ: Ladies and gentlemen, making his first Sidney Sydney appearance, maybe his second Sidney Sydney appearance, we don't know what he does in his spare time. Bring the band on down behind me, boys. Hold it.
Father Vivian O'Blivion
Resplendent in his frock
Was whipping up the batter
For the pancakes of his flock
He was looking rather bleary
(He forgot to watch the clock)
'Cause Because the night before
Behind the door
A leprechaun had stroked his smock
Which An' that set him off in such a frenzy
He sang Lock Around The Crock
An' he topped it off with a woo woo woo
An' he topped it off with a woo woo
An' he topped it off with a woo woo
As he stumbled on his cock
Oh Lord! He was delighted as when it stiffened
And it ripped right through his sock
Oh, Saint Alfonzo would be proud of me
He shouted down the block
And as soon as he did that
A crowd of people gathered around
All the faithful
Came right up to him
They wanted to look at the pink thing
Sticking out from the bottom of his
Tasteful discreet black nylon man-of-the-cloth type stocking
And there it was, and here it was, and he went, "Hey hey"
And they all went, "Ho-ho"
And he calmed them
With a gesture that he'd learned
At an extension course in divinity school
He gave 'em one of these . . .
And then he went
And then he went
He gave 'em a few Dominus Vobiscums
They shut right up
He sat right there very still
And then he looked them all in the eye
Every last one of 'em
He gazed at everyone of 'em
And he looked them all in the eye
And he turned to 'em each and everyone
Each in his, each in his own words, each in his own way
And he turned to 'em and he said . . .
Awright. See that? That's what you call a new song. When I'm gonna stand up here and read the son of a bitch while I'm doing it. We figured that this is a good place to do this song. It's only been performed once before and that was the, the evening after it was actually written in uh, Boston. I I'll tell you the story of this song. This is called CREATIVE DEVIATION FROM THE NORMAL PART OF THE PROGRAM, simply because you trust the audience's good taste so much that you know that even if the band fucks up they'll go along with it. Awright. Because, ladies and gentlemen, this song has an important message and I believe this message has to be brought to the people of this great metropolitan area.
Awright, now check this out. How many of you people feel that ROCK has gotten entirely to TOO PREPOSTEROUS? I see that you're not all convinced. Some of you believe that ROCK is REAL. I can see that there was probably about 20 percent of the audience has had it up to here, and the rest of you people still believe in that shit. Okay, well this is dedicated to the rest of you people that still believe in that shit.
Now check this out: How d— how do you rationalize the appearance of an album entitled I'm In You? I mean, wha . . . what, what is that? Is that guy kidding? (What, I gotta kiss you again? Okay.) Really, look, all kidding aside, folks. Let's think about the world of rock, just for a moment. Some of you already have those cute little shirts on that say "disco sucks," right? That's not all that sucks. 'Course Warner Brothers sucks, but besides Warner Brothers there are other things about this business that really suck. One of 'em is the way in which the subject of LOVE is dealt with in the lyrics of various 'serious rock artists,' the intensive-care contingent of the rock world. These people, these people are FUCKED UP, I mean, they're really FUCKED UP. Because see, love isn't the way they're telling you about it, you know, they're telling you wrong. I'm gonna tell you right, you see.
Now all of the ladies in the audience, you get to have fantasy time. This is female fantasy hour. Okay? You're a teen-age girl, right? You have abducted the succulent popstar of your choice, right? You have taken the aforementioned popstar, who is really cute and Aryan and eats a lot of crumpets, back to your teen-age room. That's right, spindle twice. You have taken this turkey back to your room, you have laid on your teen-age bed, you've you have put your teen-age legs up in the air, you have actually taken your own teen-age pants off. You have the teen-age red bulb on, right next to the bed. The curtains are drawn, it's dark, it's midnight. You put on a Phoebe Snow record, you're really relaxing. Tears come to your eyes, you are sensitive, you are in love. The popstar of your choice takes of off his pants and climbs on top of you, and the next thing you know you hear this little voice in your ear and it says:
"I'M IN YOU!"
Aw, I knew you'd be surprised . . .
One, two, three, four!
Feelin' Ain't it sorry
Feelin' Ain't it sad
So many ugly people
I feel bad
I'm so cute
They're so homely hornyhomely
Some of them
At home 'n lonely
Wish they could be
Very cute like me
They will never
Get to be
Some folks got it
Some folks don't
Some so ugly
They never won't
Everybody
See his my hair
See his my clothes
I'm sure you care
Terry Ted Vinnie C
Is really sweet neat
Watch the way he keep the beatsniff that seat
(That's really good, but what's he .
What're you gonna do next?)
Sweet as honey
He's a piece of cake
From the ginseng root Gonna start yer Full of starch and sausage
'N stuff he take 'Cause [he did] fakeAs he did bake
Vitamin E pills
'N all the B's He never takes
He's so cool he'll make you freeze Watch him while his nostrils break
Make you freeze Nostrils break
Make you freeze Nostrils break
Excuse me please They must be flakesfake
Oh I'm so subdued
Ted Nugent . . ., huh, babe, y'know?
'N I was really digging into that fucking steak.
And then all of a sudden the pigs came and I bailed on the stench
A-ren-nen-nen-ah-ren-nen-nen
A-ren-nen-nen-uh-rennda
A-ren-nen-nen-ah-ren-nen-nen
A-rennda-rennda-rahhh
A-ren-nen-nen-ah-ren-nen-nen
A-ren-nen-nen-uh-rennda
A-ren-nen-nen-ah-ren-nen-nen
A-rennda-rennda-rahhh
A-ren-nen-nen-ah-ren-nen-nen
A-ren-nen-nen-uh-rennda
A-ren-nen-nen-ah-ren-nen-nen
A-rennda-rennda-rahhh
A-ren-nen-nen-ah-ren-nen-nen
A-ren-nen-nen-uh-rennda
A-ren-nen-nen-ah-ren-nen-nen
A-rennda-rennda-rahhh
Ugly is bad
And bad is wrong
And wrong is sinful
And sin leads to eternal damnation
An' hot burnin' fire
Hot burnin' fire
Hot burnin' fire
Hot burnin' fire
Screams of agony
Screams of agony
Screams of agony
Screams of agony
Arrrrrrghhhhhhh! Ahh . . . ahh . . .
. . . ahh . . .
Golf . . . shoes
(Sport shirt!)
White Person
(BLOW-JOB)
Come on sailor give us a kiss.
Come on honey. You know I love you.
Shit hook (all right!)
Shit hook
Shit-hook . . . shit-hook
(BLOW-JOB)
Shit hook
(BLOW-JOB!)
Shit hook?
(BLOW-JOB)
Shit hook
(BLOW-JOB!)
White person!
(BLOW-JOB)
Ha ha . . . A white person
Shit hook
Golf shoes
A white person
(Sport shirt!)
(Boyfriend)
White Person
Shit hook
White person
(Boyfriend)
White person
It . . . per . . . son
It was a white person
Shit-hook, shit-hook
(Sport shirt . . . )
WaaaaaaAAAAAH . . .
(BLOW-JOB)
Shit hook
White Person
Golf shoes
(Boyfriend!)
(Sport . . . shirt!)
(Boyfriend!)
(Sport . . . shirt!)
White Person
(Boyfriend)
shithookWhite Person
(BLOW-JOB)
White person, per . . . white
(BLOW-JOB!)
White person!
(Sport shirt!)
White personAAAAAAHHH . . .
AWWWWWWWW . . .
Has anybody ever seen Ms. Pinky?
(Yeahhh, wow!)
Hey, now you're gonna know what I'm talking about. We're gonna dedicate this whole song to Ms. Pinky. For those of you who don't know about Ms. Pinky: We recently visited that colorful country Finland, and were met at the airport by a gentleman named EricErik. EricErik sees us everytime every time we go to Finland, he's a very nice person. He collects autographs and he gives us presents. And when we left Finland, EricErik gave me a magazine to read on the airplane, it was one of his favorite books.
Now a lot of people have heard quite a bit about Danish pornography, but have you ever heard of Finnish pornography? It's real different. He gave me a Finnish pornographic magazine that had some girls in it that I couldn't even believe that they would take pictures of 'em. There was one or two in there that looked like Grace Slick but the rest of 'em were hurtin', really hurtin'. And of course the quality of the color photography was just a little bit too far in the red direction, you know, they printed too much red and they were showing a lot of girls with red shoes, red big like this. But when it got down to the business-like details of that interesting zone between the legs these hunks of meat hanging down from the little bushes of hair all looked like they were horribly infected!
Anyway, thumbing through the magazine, there was an advertisement in there for a product, it's a lonely person product, and I know you have quite a few lonely person products here in Denmark: There's so many shops that are dedicated to the needs of the lonely German, the lonely Italian, the lonely American and the lonely Spanish person that drifts into your fair cityterritory. Now, there are many lonely person products, you know, that the most basic of all of these is the vibrator. And uh, it, it can be very usefull useful and entertaining used properly. But when you start branching out to little things like Rover's Reamer . . . Has anybody ever seen Rover's Reamer? It's a plastic dog dick about this long with a crank in the end of it. Now that is definitely a lonely person's product, and Ms. Pinky is another one of those special lonely peoples person products.
Ms. Pinky is shorter than the average girl because she doesn't have a BODY, all she's got is a HEAD. She's got a rubber head and her eyes are closed and her mouth is WIDE OPEN an she's got her lips rolled back over her teeths so she doesn't hurt you very much. And she's washable. So we're gonna dedicate this song to Ms. Pinky for all the good work that she has done for everybody who sent away for her in the Finnish magazine, and especially for the guy in the back who has probably got Ms. Pinky sitting in his lap right now, tucked away underneath of his overcoat, just down there, having a good time . . .
I got a girl with a little rubber head
Rinse her out every night just before I go to bed
She never talk back like a lady might do
And she looks like she loves it every time I get through
And her name is
P-I-N-K-Y
P-I-N, I cry
K-Y, don't be shy
$69.95, boy
Give her a try
Her eyes is all shut in an ecstasy face
You can cram it down her throat, people, any old place
Throw the little switch on her battery pack
You can poot it, you can shoot it till your wife gets back
And her name is
P-I-N-K-Y
P-I-N, I cry
K-Y, don't be shy
$69.95, boy
Give her a try
I got a girl with a little rubber head
Rinse her out every night just before I go to bed
She never talk back like a lady might do
And she looks like she loves it every time I get through
And her name is
P-I-N-K-Y
P-I-N, I cry
K-Y, don't be shy
$69.95, boy
Give her a try
$69.95, boy
Give her a try
(Hey . . . )
$69.95, boy
Give her a try
(Your ideal computer date is here and available now.)
She painted up her face
She sat before the mirror
She painted up her face
She drew the mirror nearer
Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!
The stare
(The stare!)
The stare
(The secret stare!)
The secret stare she would use
If a worthy-looking victim should appear
(Say!)
Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!
(Ah-hoo-ah-hoo-Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!wah-hoo-wahhhh)
The clock upon the wall
Has struck the midnight hour
She finishes her call
Her girlfriend's in the shower
Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!
Half a dozen provocative squats
Out of the shower, she squeezes her spots
Brushes her teeth
Shoots a deodorant spray up her twat
It's getting her, getting her hot—Oh-woh-woh-woh-woh-woh)
She's just twenty-four
And she can't get off
A sad but typical case, yeah
The last dude to do her
Got in and got soft
She blew it
And laughed in his face, yeah!
Face, yeah!
Yeah . . .
(Yeah . . . )
She chooses all the clothes
She'll wear tonight to dance in, yeah
The places that she goes
Are filled with guys from groups
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
Waiting for a chance to break her pants in
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in
Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in
FZ:
That's right, shove it right in.
And pull it right out!
And shove it in again.
This here song might offend you some
If it does, it's because you're dumb
That's the way it is where I come from
If you've been there too, let me see your thumb
Let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Oh, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Oh, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Yeah, let me see your thumb, now
(Let me see your thumb)
Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Yeah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Ah, ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Ow! Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Oh, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Yeah, let me see your thumb, now
(Let me see your thumb)
Yeah, let me see your thumb, now
(Let me see your thumb)
Oh, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb) Well . . .
Show me your thumb if you're really dumb
Show me your thumb if you're really dumb
Show me your thumb if you're really dumb
Show me your thumb if you're dumb
(Yes, show me your thumb if you're dumb!)
Hey now, better make a decision
(You better make a decision)
Be a moron and keep your position
(You better keep your position)
You oughta know now all your education
(Know all your education)
Won't help you no-how, you're gonna . . .
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Pumpin' the gas every night
Pumpin' the gas every night
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Pumpin' the gas every night
Pumpin' the gas every night, oh!
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Manny de the Camper vants wants to buy some vitewhite
(Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas sta . . . Fish!)
Manny de the Camper vants wants to buy some vitewhite
(Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas sta . . . Fish!)
Manny de the Camper vants wants to buy some vitewhite
(Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas sta . . . Fish!)
Manny de the Camper vants wants to buy some vitewhite
(Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas sta . . . Fish!)
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station
FZ: Now ladies and gentlemen, we don't normally do this but just because this is Saint Patrick's Day, this is our special Saint Patrick's Day program, and I even wore wear a green shirt and everything. We wanna try and work a little bit of, well let's just say Home Grown Irish Flavor into this program. Now bring the band on down behind me boys, this is really quite technical. You understand that each ethnic group has characteristics, and these characteristics are generally made fun of by other ethnic groups. Now I happen to feel that the Irish people in this country have gotten a "bum rap," to use a common expression. Many people feel that Irish people in America simply aren't sexy. Now in order to dispell the ethnic myth that people of the Irish persuasion are not particulary sexy, we are going to make it possible for volunteers from the audience tonight to demonstrate just how hot they are. Now what I would like to have, I would like to have at least four girls who think they are Irish to come up here . . . no, they have, no no no, they have to be volunteers, you have to volunteer for this, it can't be under duress. I, no, let me explain, this is very scientific, we need two more. Okay heh, you all think you're Irish, right? OK, ok. Now listen, quiet please, this is very very scientific. That's right. In order to prove that you are genuinly genuinely hot we're going to give you, each and everyoneevery one, an opportunity to make a sex noise with musical accompinementaccompaniment. And so:
Make a sex noise!
Ooooooh(Say)
AaaarrrhhhhMake a sex noise!
Hrrrrrrrrrrrr ow ow owMake a sex noise!
Aouaouaou owMake a sex noise!
AaaaahMake a sex noise!
Oh-ah, oh-ah, oh-ahMake a sex noise!
FZ: Now, I'm not sure that each and everyone of these contestants is truly Irish in the biblical sense of the word, but I think we have to give them credit for coming up here and representing the Irish people in Binghamton tonight. Especially when you realize that that's about the only form of safe sex left in America.
Ike: (heh-heh-heh)Hah hah hah!
Owww, hng hng, oww, oooooo,One more time for the world!
I-I-I, oh-ohw-aahhh, ohh-ohh
Ehh-ohw, aarch, ohw, ah-haa-ha,
Hhhh-hhhhngg.
(etc.)One more time for the world!
Well, I have been in you, baby
You
Have been in me
And we
Have be
So intimately
Entwined
And it sure was fine
I have been in you, baby
You
Have been in me
And so you see
We
Have be so together
I thought that we would never
Return from forever
Return from forever
Return from forever . . .
You
Have been in me
And understandably
I have been in 'n outa you
(In 'n outa you, in 'n outa yoo-oo-ou)
An' everywhere
You want me to
(In 'n outa yoo-oo-oo-ou)
Yes, you know it's true;
And while
I was inside
I mighta been
Undignified
And that is maybe
Why you cried
I don't know
Maybe so,
But what's the difference now?
I have been in you, baby
You have been in me
Aw' little girl, there ain't no time
To wash yer stinky hand
Go 'head 'n roll over
I'm goin' in you again
In you again
In you again
Well, in you again . . .
I'm goin' in you again-ahhh
In you again, ah!
I'm goin' In you again-ahhh
In you again, ah!
I'm goin' In you again-ahhh
In you again, ah!
I'm goin' in you again-ahhh
In you again, ah!
FZ: Well little girl I told you I was goin' in you again and I wasn't lyin', or was I? No I could hardly resist going in you, because ever since I started writing love songs and everything and . . . You know it's very difficult when you're English not to write love songs because, uh . . .
Guy In The Audience: Sensitive!
FZ: What?
Guy In The Audience: So sensitive!
FZ: That's right, if you are English, you are, you are very sensitive. That's one thing I've noticed being an English person. In fact I've been an English person for almost five minutes now during this song and my sensitivity has increased to the point where, I don't know, maybe it's just all of our traditions: the tea, Winston Churchill, his large lips and everything. This kind of stuff why you start accummulating all of this civilisation civilization behind you and you know, what can you say, if you're English you're really fantastic, aren't you? So darling, it should come as absolutely no surprise to you that I went back to your little teen-age room and climbed on top of your teen-age body and took all of my English teen-age clothes ofoff, and, you know, stuck my little lips up next to your ear and said: "I'M IN YOU! I'M IN YOU! I'M IN YOU! I'M IN YOU!" But I don't want you to get it wrong, you know. I don't, I don't just come over here and stick it IN YOU and IN YOU and IN YOU because I like you. It's not because . . . it's not even physical, I only do it, and remember taxes are really bad in England, the only reason I do it is because I want to sell records. And I hope you'll understand . . .
I'm going in you again (I'M IN YOU), baby
You can go in me too,
That's true (I'M IN YOU)
I'm goin' in you again, baby
'N later when we get through, GUESS WHAT?
I'm goin' in you again-ahh, well
In you again, ah!
In you again-ahh
I'm goin' in you again, ah!
In you again-ahh
I'm goin' in you again, ah!
In you again-ahh
I'm goin' in you again, ah!
Hail Caesar! Hi-hoEmperor of Ohio!
ZitsFritz!
Bootie-pootieTorpedo!
I Couldn't say where she's comin' from
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm
She Stroll Strolled on over, say said look here, bum,
I got a forty-dollar bill say says you can't make me cum
No way, y'jes can't do it
She made a bet with her sister who's a little bit dumb
She could prove it any time all men was scum
(I say scum!)
I don't mind that if she called me a bum
But I knew right away she was really gonna cum
So I got down to it
I whipped off her bloomers 'n stiffened my thumb
An' applied rotation on to her sugar plum
I poked 'n stroked till my wrist got numb
But I Still didn't hear no Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Where's this Dinah-Moe
Comin' from
I done spent three hours
An' I ain't got a crumb
From the Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe
From the Dinah-Moe Humm
Got a spot that gets me hot
An' you ain't been to it (tell!)
Got a spot that gets me hot
An' you ain't been to it
I got a spot that gets me hot
But You ain't been to it
I got a spot that gets me hot
But You ain't been to it
'Cause I can't get into it
Unless I get out of it
(It dices and, it slices)
An' I gotta get out of it
Before I get into it
(It Puree's purées and, it frappee'sfrappés)
'Cause I never can't get into it
Unless I get out of it
(Hip glands It blends and malamudesmalemutesmalamutes)
An' I gotta be get out of it
To Before I get myself into it
(But that's not all)
She looked over at me with a glazed eye
And some bovine perspiration on her upper lip area
And she said . . . and here's what she said . . .
(What she saidWhat'd she say?)
Just get me wasted
An' you're half-way there
'Cause if my mind's tore up
Well, then my body don't care
I rubbed my chinny-chin-chin
An' said my-my-my
What sort of thing
Might this lady get high upon?
The forty-dollar bill didn't matter no more
When her sister got nekkid an' laid on the floor
She said Dinah-Moe might win the bet
But she could use a little ______ (Navy!) Prince if I wasn't done yet
I told her . . .
Just because the sun
Want a place in the sky
No reason to assume
I wouldn't give her a try
So I pulled on her hair
Got her legs in the air
An' asked her if she had any cooties in there
(Whaddya mean cooties! No cooties on me!)
She was buns-up kneelin'
(Buns up!)
I was wheelin' an' dealin'
(Wheelin' an' dealin' an' ooooh!)
She surrender surrendered to the feelin'
(She sweetly surrendered)
An' She Started in to squealin'
Dinah-Moe watched
From the edge of the bed
With her lips just twitchin'
An' her face gone red
Some drool rollin' down
From the edge of her chin
While she spied the condition
Her sister was in
She quivered 'n quaked
An' She clutched at all over herself
While Her sister made a joke
About her mental health
Till Until Dinah-Moe finally
Did give in
But I told her
All she really needed
Was some discipline
I said . . .
Kiss my aura . . . Dora . . .
M-M-M . . . That's right
Because it's real angora
Would y'all like some more-a?
Right here on the flora?
An' how 'bout you, Fauna?
Y'wannaDo you wanna?
He's so gay
(He's so gay)
(YEAH)
He's very very gay
He's so gay
(He's so gay)
(HE'S GAY)
And he likes to be that way
With his keys on the right
He's into rubber every night
He's so gay
He's so gayHe's ALMOST EVERYONE TODAY
He's okay
(He's okay)
He's got a role he wants to play
He's okay
He's okayHe's just a cowboy for a day
Of course'Course, his evening's not complete
Without some meat in the seat;
Let's skate away
Down Santa Monica today
(Well well well)
Maybe he wants a little spanking
Maybe he'll eat a little chain
Maybe his lover should be thanking him
For the way he makes it sprinkle
Into drops of GOLDEN RAIN
UH-OWWW . . .
(Let's mine the harbour harbor . . . )
He's so gay
(He's so gay)
He rules the city in a way
You could say
(You could say)
It's sorta different today
All the taffeta and chintz
And every Leather Boy's a PRINCE
Hey hey hey!
Please don't look the other way
You could be just like him
TOMORROW!
Ai-ee-ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!
Mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah
Maybe you'll get a chance
To borrow
(Borrow)
His bouquet (mmmh . . . )
And maybe later . . .
MAYBE LATER
We'll ALL BE
GAY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y!
DO YOU REALLY WANNA HURT ME?
MOO-AHHH!
She had that Camarillo brillo
Flamin' out along her head
I mean her Mendocino bean-o
By where some bugs had made it red
She ruled the Toads of the Short Forest
And every newt in Idaho
And every cricket who had chorused
By the bush in Buffalo
She said she was a Magic Mama
And she could throw a mean Tarot
And carried on without a comma
That she was someone I should know
She had a snake for a pet
And an amulet
And she was breeding a dwarf
But she wasn't done yet
She had gray-green skin
A doll with a pin
I told her she was awright
But I couldn't come in
(I couldn't come in right then . . . Actually, I was very busy then)
And so she wandered through the door-way
Just like a shadow from the tomb
She said her stereo was four-way
An' I'd just love it in her room
Well, I was born to have adventure
So I just followed up the steps
Right past her fuming incense stencher
To where she hung her castanets
She stripped away her rancid poncho
An' laid out naked by the door
We did it till we were un-concho
An' it was useless any more
She had a snake for a pet
And an amulet
And she was breeding a dwarf
But she wasn't done yet
She had gray-green skin
A doll with a pin
I told her she was awright
But I couldn't come in
(Actually, I was very busy then)
And so she wandered through the door-way
(Ai-ee-ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!)
Just like a shadow from the tomb
She said her stereo was four-way, oh yeah!
(Ai-ee-ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!)
An' I'd just love it I could eat some brocoli broccoli up in her room
Well, I was born to have adventureadvenchum
(Ai-ee-ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!)
So I just followed up the steps
Right past her fuming incense stencher
(Ai-ee-ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!)
To where she hung her castanets
I chewed my way through her rancid panocha
(Ai-ee-ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!)
And she laid about buck nekkid naked over by the door
We did it till we were sort of un-concho, so to speak
Ay yay ya yay(Ai-ee-ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!)
Yes, and it was useless anymore
Aw yes, it was useless anymore
Aw yes, it was useless anymore
Girl, you thought he was a man
But he was a muffin
He hung around till you found
That he didn't know nuthin'
Oh girl, you thought he was a man
But he only was a-puffin'
No cries is heard in the night
As a result of him stuffin' it in
They should've He shoulda been stuffin it in
I mean stuffin it in
Well, stuffin it in
Crazed Fan: Yeah! Zappa, Zappa!
FZ: What? I'm supposed to kiss her? Okay. Just calm down there for a minute. It's only Halloween . . .
Crazed Fan: Zappa! Yeah!
FZ: All right.
Crazed Fan: Play the guitar! Play the guitar!
FZ: No, thank you. All right, let's get back to entertainment here. Are we tuned up?
Crazed Fan: Yeah! We never left! We never left!
FZ: Two, three, four . . .
The Illinois Enema Bandit
I heard he's on the loose
I heard he's on the loose
Lord, the pitiful screams
Of all them college-educated women
He'd just be tyin' 'em up
They'd be all bound down!
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
The Illinois Enema Bandit
I heard it on the news
I heard it on the news
Bloomington, Illinois
He has caused some alarm
Just sneakin' around there
From farm to farm
He's got a rubberized bag
And a hose on his arm
Just lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
The Illinois Enema Bandit
One day he'll have to pay
Some One day he'll have to pay
The police will say, "You're under arrest!"
And then the judge would have him for a special guest
Then The D.A. will order a secret test
Stuff his pudgy little thumbs in the side of his vest
Then they'll put out a call-yooou! (Hi-Yo!) for the jury folks
(That's you over there)And the judge would say, "No
poo-poo Silver jokes!"
Then They'll drag in the bandit for all to see
Sayin', "Don't nobody, no no, have no sympathy . . . put that little black mask all over me (Hi-Yo!)
Hot soapy water in the first degree!"
And then the Bandit Tonto might say, "Why is everybody lookin' Don't put that Veg-O-Matic at me?!"
Did you cause this MISERYbroccoli?
Well did you cause this KINDA MISERYbroccoli?
Well did you cause this MISERYkinda broccoli?
Well, One girl shout, "Let the Bandit beWell, bring that small appliance right here near to me!"
Bandit, are you guilty?
BANDIT ARE YOU GUILTY?Tell me
NOW, what's your plea?
Another girl satisfied home maker shout, "Let the fiend go freeWell, let that Veg-O-Matic be!"
Bandit, are you guilty?
BANDITTell me, did you do these deeds?
COME ON, NOWYou know what he said?
(Isn't that amazing!)
He said, "It must be just what they all need" (yeah!)
"It must be just what they all need"
"It must be just what they all need needs"
"It must be just what they all need"
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
"It must be just what they all need"
Well, he just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
"It must be just what they all need"
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
"It must be just what they all need"
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
"It must be just what they all need"
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
Talkin' 'bout The Illinois . . .
Illinois . . .
Ain't talkin' 'bout Fontana . . . ha . . .
Ain't talkin' 'bout Potato Headed Bobby
Talkin' 'bout the Illinois . . .
Illinois . . .
Enema Bandit . . .
Juice
FZ: I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine. This is L. Shankar on the violin.
FZ: Now this little, this little number is in thirteen. It's subdivided 5/8 and 4/4 if you wanna clap your hands.
1-2, 1-2-3, 1, 2, 3, 4
1-2, 1-2-3, 1, 2, 3, 4
1-2, 1-2-3, 1, 2, 3, 4
1-2, 1-2-3, 1, 2, 3, 4
Pretty Good.
Patrick: SharlelleCharlelle. A fragile little creature in a hard-ass nightclub. The Drive Shaft. Three blocks down from the Ram Rod. One thin dime, a mere tenth of a dollar wouldn't would buy you a peek at LOBSTER GIRL!
Turn turn
Turn turn
We're turning again
Turn turn
Turn turn
We're turning again
They took a whole bunch of acidWe're so young and happy
So they could see And we know where it's at
(It's over there, over there,
Over there, over there
And under here also)
Doont, da-doodem doodem!
They lived on a whole bunch of We're never wrong about nothing
They thought they looked very And we look pretty good
They'd We never ever have to worry
They were We're always in a hurry
To convince themselves ourselves that what they werewe are
Was Is really very groovy
Yes, they believed in all If we believe what's in the papers
And the magazines that defined their define our folklore
They could We can never laugh
At who or what they thought they werewe think we are
Or even what they thoughtwe think
They We sorta oughta be
They were 'Cause we are totally empty
(Totally empty)
And their our lives were are really useless
So what the fuck?
They didn't have We ain't got no sense of humor
(Oodly-oodly-yeah!)
Now they We got nothing left
To laugh about
Including themselvesourselves
Turn turn
Turn turn
We're turning again
Turn turn
Turn turn
We're turning again
Mellow yellow
Mellow yellow
Dey They were mellow
Dey They were yellow
Dey They were wearing smelly blankets
Dey looked like They were DONOVAN fans
(HU-UR-DE-EE
GU-UR-DE-EE)
Dey walkin' 'roundThey walked around
With stupid flowers
In dey their hair an' evvywhereand everywhere
Dey They tried to stuff 'em up de the guns
Of all the cops and other servants of the law
(LA LA-LA-LA LA-LA)
Who tried to push 'em around
And later mowed 'em down
But they were full of all that shit
That they believed in
(PHEW!)
So what the fuck?
(WHAT THE FUCK?)
Now I seen 'em tightenin' They would tighten up dey their headbands
On the weekend and dey they get loaded
When dey they came to town
Dey walk They walked around in GREEMICH GREENWICH VILLAGE
To buy posters dey they could hang up
In dem their smelly little secret
Black light bedrooms
On LONNLONG-ISLAND
Singin'Screamin': "JIMI COME BACK!"
Now Come back and regulate de boy's FURZmy fuzz-tone
Yo' Your HAZE was so PURPLE
It caused And your AXIS to be was BOLD AS LOVE
(JIMI-JIMI-JIMI-JIMI-JIMI FEED BACK)
Come back and feed back on my knapsack
You can feed back the fuzz tone from your WAH-WAH
While you bend down
And set your stuff on FIRE
Turn turn (hop!)
Turn turn
We're turning again
Turn turn (yester honey Mr. Cry-Baby)
Turn turn
We're turning again (well . . . )
We can turn it around
We can do it again
We can go back in time
Through the canyons of your mind
On the EVE O' DESTRUCTION
We can act like we are something really special (wah wah . . . )
WOOOHOh, we'll just jump in the bath-tub
With that other guy JIM
And make him be more careful
We can And we'll visit Big Mama
And whap her on the back
When she eats her sandwich
(LA LA LA LAFRIDAY THURSDAY)
We can take care of Janis
When she gets so depressed
She can't take it no more
We can laugh at Keith Moon's jokes
(HA HA HA HA HA)
And the colour TV
(HA HAWAH WAH)
He threw out de windumthe window
Fum de From the second flew-ahfloor!
(YEAAHHHHHH!AAAHHHHHH!)
Everybody come back
No one can do it like you used to
If you listen to the radio
And what they play today
You can tell right away:
All those assholes really need you!
Turn turn
Turn turn
We're turning again
Turn turn
Turn turn
We're turning again
Turn turn
Turn turn
We're turning again
Turn turn
Turn turn
We're turning again
(Well)
Catholic Girls
With a tiny little mustache
Catholic Girls
Do you know how they go?
Catholic Girls
In the Rectory Basement
Father Riley's a fairy
But it don't bother Mary
Catholic Girls
At the CYO
Catholic Girls
Do you know how they go?
Catholic Girls
There can be no replacement
How do they go, after the show?
All the way
(That's right, all the way!)
That's the way they go
Every day
(That's right!)
And none of their mamas ever seem to know
Hip-Hip-Hooray
For all the class they show
There's nothing like a Catholic Girl
At the CYO
When they learn to blow . . .
They're learning to blow
All the Catholic Boys!
Warren Cuccurullo . . .
Catholic Boys!
Kinda young, kinda WOW!
Catholic Boys!
Vinnie Colaiuta . . .
Where are they now?
Did they all take The Vow?
Everybody!
Everybody dance!
Catholic Girls!
Carmenita Scarfone!
Catholic Girls!
Hey! She gave me VD!
Catholic Girls!
Toni Carbone!
With a tongue like a cow
She could make you go WOW!
VD Vowdy vootie
Right away
That's the way they go
Every day
Whenever their mamas take them to a show
Matinee
Pass the popcorn please
There's nothing like a Catholic Girl
With her hand in the box
When And she's on her knees
She was on her knees
My little Catholic Girl
In a little white dress
Catholic Girls
They never confess
Catholic Girls
I got one for a cousin
I love how they go
So send me a dozen
Catholic Girls
OOOOOOH!
(Well well wellnow)
Catholic Girls
(Ma-ma-mum ma-ma-mum)
Yai-ee-ahhh!
Catholic Girls
OOOOOOH!
(Well well now)
Catholic Girls
(Ma-ma-mum ma-ma-ma-ma-mum)
Yai-ee-ahhh!
Joe had a girl friend named Mary.
She used to go to the church club every week.They would meet each other
They'd meet each other therethere at the Social Club.
Hold hands
And think Pure Thoughts
But one night, at the Social Club meetingMary didn't show up . . .wasn't there
She was backstage at the Tower Theater
Sucking COCK
So she can get a ticket to meet Ike Willis for free . . .
Hey Hey Hey all you girls in these
Industrial towns
I know you're prob'ly gettin' tired
Of all the local clowns
They never give you no respect
They never treat you nice
So perhaps you oughta try
A little friendly advice
And be a CREW SLUT
Be a CREW SLUT
Be a CREW SLUT
I They ain't gonna squash it
And you don't need to wash it!
Be a CREW SLUT
Be a CREW SLUT
Be a CREW SLUT
How about that Jimmy Swaggart?
You never get to move around
You never go nowhere
I know yer prob'ly gettin' tired
Of all the guys out there
You always wondered what it's like
To go from place to place
So, darlin', take a little ride
On the mixer's Harry's face
And be a CREW SLUT (Yessir!)
Be a CREW SLUT
Be a CREW SLUT (Watch out his brick, he's Greek!)
His equipment hasn't gotten wet
For a month-and-a-half
CREW SLUT
Really! His name is Harry
Be a CREW SLUT
That's right
How about that West Bank, huh?
Well you been to Alabama, girl,
'N Georgia too
'N all the boys in the crew
Is bein' good to you
I know you're sayin' to yourself
"This is the way to go"
'Cause when you need a little extra
They will give you some mo'
And be a CREW SLUT
Be a CREW SLUT
Be a CREW SLUT
Trade your spot on the bench
For a guy with a wrench
And be a CREW SLUT
Be a CREW SLUT
The guys boys in the crew
Have got a present for you!
Hey! I'm only fourteen
Sickly 'n thin
Tried all of my life
Just to grow me a chin
It popped out once
Yeah, but my dad pushed it in
Tell me, why did he hurt me?
Lord, he's my next of kin
He's a mex-i-kin
I'm lonely 'n green
Too small for my shirt
If Simmons was here
I could feature my hurt
Scared of the future
'N I hope I don't grow
Listen, I know nobody likes me
'Cause everywhere that I go
They say no
They say no
They say no
NO
They say no
Now I'm older
Got a place in the town, babe
Got a chin on my shoulder
'N it keeps growing down 'n down 'n down
I'm horny 'n lonely
'N I wish I was dead
Somebody tell me
Why am I livin'?
Lord, I wanna be dead instead
That's right, I said
I wanna be dead instead
Now dig this . . .
I wanna be dead
In bed
Please kill me
'Cause that would thrill me
(Get the picture?)
I wanna be dead
In bed
Please kill me
(Aw!)
'Cause that would thrill me
I wanna be dead
(Yes, I wanna be dead instead)
In bed
Please kill me
'Cause that would thrill me
(Be dead in bed, yeah)
I wanna be dead
In bed
(Well, just as sure as my name is Terry Ted, Terry Ted)
Please kill me
'Cause that would thrill me
(Kill me)
I wanna be dead
(Thrill me)
In bed
(Fill me)
Please kill me
(With some love)
'Cause that would thrill me
(Kill me)
I wanna be dead
(Thrill me)
In bed
(Wah-OW!)
Please kill me
'Cause that would thrill me
One more time for the world!
I wanna be dead
(Yeah-hey!)
In bed
(I wanna be dead instead)
Please kill me
(Be dead in bed)
'Cause that would thrill me
I wanna be dead
(Love my little girl)
In bed
(Gimme some head, hey-hey-hey)
Please kill me
'Cause that would thrill me
I wanna be dead
('Cause I'm only fourteen)
In bed
(Sickly 'n green)
Please kill me
'Cause that would thrill me
(Feelin' really lean
I'm in love, see
Ow!)
I wanna be dead
(Too small for my shirt)
In bed
(Feature my hurt)
Please kill me
(Yeah-hey!)
'Cause that would thrill me
Hello. My name is Lisa Popeil. Ha ha. Ever seen one of these? My father who's filthy rich made this. It's a Pocket Fisherman, ha ha. And he also made the VegamaticVeg-O-Matic, which works about as well. And then there's always my brother Ronnie of Ronco. I'm sure you've heard of him. He has all those commercials that go on and on and on and on AND ON AND ON and on and on, I know.
Now I'm here to tell you my life story
When I was young
I was a skinny neurotic bitch
(Doo-doo-da-dee-ha!)
But it didn't matter
(E-eh-e-eh-e-eh-e-eh-eh!)
Because the ego was so large
It didn't matter that I hadn't done nothing
Or seen nothing in my life, ow!
Trapped in a sexless body I always knew
(Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha)
That I was an oversexed hussy
So my next task was to find someone who could
Satisfy my every desire
(Da-da doo-dood da ba dad-dood
Da-dood-dad-dood da-dood-da-da ba)
Unfortunately I lacked the basic essentials
So I went out to get me some
Of what I needed all along
A pair of titties just like mom
(Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!)
I went to a Catholic school
With all those nerds
I swear a good Catholic girl
Can't go anywhere these days
But Well, then there was a quest for the perfect hunk
I spell that h-u-n-k, hunk
You know, I like them tall and blonde.
My name is BurtramNando
I am a redneckmarine biologist
All my friends
They call me BurtDo
(Hi, BurtDo!)
All my family
From down in Texas some place in this area
Make their livin'And they complain if I talk about this horrible pizza
Diggin' dirtDuring the show
Come Came out here
To Californy
Just to find me
Some pretty girls (oh-oh . . . )
Ones I seen
Gets me so horny
Ruby lips
'N teeth like pearls
Wanna love 'em all!
Wanna love 'em dearly
Wanna pretty girl—jellyfish
I'll even pay! (Fish fursCash bucks!)
I'll buy 'em furs
I'll buy 'em jewelry/pizza
I know they like me
Here's what I say
I'm Lonesome Cowboy Burt
(Speakin' atcha!)
Come Want you smell my fringe-y shirt
(Reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants
My cowboy dance
My bold advance
On this here waitress
Yodel-oh-oo-pee-heyYodel oh-ooh tee ay
Yodel-oh-oo-pee!Yodel oh-ooh . . .
(He's lonesome Cowboy Burt
Don'tcha get my his feelings hurt)
Come on in this place
'N And I'll buy you a taste
And you can sit on my face
Where's my waitress?
Burtram, Burtram Redneck
Burtram, Burtram Redneck
I'm an awful nice guy
Sweat all day in the sun
Roofer by trade
Quite a bundle I've made
I'm unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun
(He's a unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun)
(Darling, I crazy go nuts when I hear this,
You know what I'm sayin'singin'?)
Nan Nan Nan Nan Nan Nan
Do Do Do Do Do Do . . .
When I get off, I get plastered
Drink I swim till I fall onna flooron the jellyfish
Then I find me some Communist bastardacademic kind of illustrator
I describe the little dangling utensils on this thing
And tell him to draw it up
So it looks just like a brand new jellyfish! (oh!)
(I describe the little dangling utensils on this thing,
And tell him to draw it up so it looks . . . )
Take that! Take that!
Nan Nan Nan Nan Nan
Do Do Do Do Do Do . . .
I fuss an' I cuss an' I keep on drinkin'swimmin'
Till my eyes puffsnorkel puffs up an' turn turns red
I drool on m'shirtmy shorts
I see if he's hurtI do some water sports
Then I take the jellyfish back to my house
And stick it in the bed! Sorta . . .
(Whaddya do?)
Stick it again in the bed (That's right!)
Stick it again in the bed
Stick it again in the bed
Stick it again in the bed
Lonesome Cowboy Burt
(Speakin' atcha!)
Come Smell my fringe-y shirt
(Reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants
My cowboy dance
My bold advance
On this here waitress
Yodel-oh-oo-pee-heyYodel oh-ooh tee ay
Yodel-oh-oo-pee!Yodel oh-ooh . . .
(He's Lonesome Cowboy Burt)
Yee-ha!
(A-don'tcha get his feelin's hurt)
Yeah . . . but Come on in this place
An' I'll buy you a taste
'N You can sit on my face
Where's my waitress?
JCB:
Opal, you hot little bitch!
Howard:
They're gonna clear out the studio
Mark:
Are you kidding?
Howard:
I am not kidding
They're gonna tear down all the . . .
Mark:
I hear ya!
Howard:
They're gonna whip down all the . . .
They're gonna sweep out all the . . .
They're gonna pay off all the . . .
Mark:
Oh, yeah!
Mark & Howard:
And then . . .
And then . . .
And then . . .
And then . . .
Howard:
Hey hey hey, everybody in the orchestra and the chorus
Talkin' 'bout every one of our lovely and talented dancers
Mark:
You got it, Jack!
Mark & Howard:
Talkin' 'bout the light bulb men
Camera men
Mark:
Oh!
Mark & Howard:
The make-up men
Mark:
You got it
The fake-up men
Howard:
Yeah, the rake-up men
JCB & Howard:
Especially Herbie Cohen, yeah . . .
Mark:
They're all gonna rise up!
Mark & Howard:
They're gonna jump up
I said jump up
Talkin' 'bout jump right up and off the floor
Jump right up and hit the door
Mark:
They're all gonna rise up and jump off!
Group:
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
Mark & Howard:
And once again
Take themselves
Seriously
Howard:
Yeah, two, three, four . . .
Mark & Howard:
Seriously
They're all gonna go home
Through the driving sleet and rain
They're all gonna go home
Through the fog
Through the dust
Through the tropical fever
And the blistering frost
They're all gonna go home
Yeah, and get out of it as they can be, baby
Mark:
And the same goes for me
JCB:
And the same goes for me
Group:
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Howard:
And each and every member of this rock oriented comedy group in his own special way
Group:
Is gonna get out of it as he can be
We We're all gonna get wasted
We We're all gonna get twisted
We We're all gonna get wasted
We We're all gonna get twisted
Howard:
Yeah, and I am definitely gonna get . . .
Mark & Howard:
Reamed
Howard:
Tonight
'Cause I'm
Mark & Howard:
Such a lonely
I'm such a lonely
Howard:
A lonely, lonely
Talkin' 'bout a lonely guy!
Oh, and I know tonight
Each and everyone of you's gonna go home
And write down an order for that pencil penciled pencil front album
And I know that on account of that
Next time I come back
I am definitely . . .
I am positively . . .
I just have to, and I'm not kidding, gonna get . . .
Group:
Bent, reamed and wasted!
JCB:
A disaster area the size of Atlantic City, New Jersey!
Group:
Whooa!
Atlantic City, New Jersey . . .
Lord, have mercy on the hippies and faggots
And the dykes and the weird little children they grow
FZ: Thanks for coming to the show tonight. Hope you enjoyed it. Don't throw stuff on the stage. Ray White, Tommy Mars, Scott Thunes, Chad Wackerman, Ed Mann, Bobby Martin, Steve Vai. Good Night.
Some Crazed Fan: ZAPPAAAA!