Finer Moments

FZ:

Hello, boys and girls.

Now, during this part of our program—

Audience member:

Louder! We can't hear you.

FZ:

During this part of our program, we are going to perform for you various chamber music pieces—and also some zany Mothers Of Invention bullshit. You remember The Mothers Of Invention, that zany group.

We have the assistance of a famous pop star to help us tonight during our renowned ballet sequence.

And later on in the program, we're going to have our road manager, Dick Barber, come out and strangle a rubber chicken and make some funny noises for ya. And, as if that weren't enough, we're going to do our version of the birth of Frankenstein, live on stage, including a spark generator and a smoke bomb and a convulsing monster, which we construct out of Motorhead. And, let's see, what else are we gonna do?

That's about it.

He came on a Saturday afternoon from Manchester, and said to meet him at the railway station. He was an unusually large man that no . . . He also wore a black jacket and pin-striped trousers and carried a gladstone bag.

Hands up!

Although he did call [...], he stopped [...]. In fact, though you would expect an [...], he was a sensitive man, who could only sleep when [...] pillows had been forced into one pillowcase. My father was Wesleyan chapel steward and engaged him every second year to recite [...] people who had bought programs. If you called them tickets, they became liable to excise [...]. My father was a supporter of Wick Tyler. This minstrel used to deliver pocket versions of the classic books, such as Silas Marner and The Old Curiosity Shop.

FZ: You have just heard a make-believe record scratch. End side one.