FZ: Ladies and gentlemen, while they're fixing the amplifiers, The Sanzini Brothers!
Howard: The Sanzini Brothers!
Mark?: Ho huthup! [...] cock-sucker! You motherfucker! You shove it up your ass! [...] Lou Jacobi! Lou it Jacobi! Lou . . . !
Group:
Penis dimension!
Penis dimension?
Penis dimension is worrying me
I can't hardly sleep at night
'Cause of penis dimension
Do you worry?
Do you worry a lot?
Do you worry?
Do you worry and moan?
That the size of your cock
Is not monstrous enough?
It's your Penis dimension
Penis dimension
Wa oo wa oo wa oo wa
Wa oo wa oo wa oo wa
Mark: Hiya, friends. Did you ever consider the possibility that your penis, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide elements of subconscious tension? Weird twisted anxieties that could force a human being as yourself to have to become a politician! A policeman! A Jesuit monk.
FZ: Dominus Vobiscum et cum spiritu tuo.
Mark: [...] policeman!
FZ: Do it again!
Mark: A policeman!
FZ: Do it again!
Mark: A policeman!
FZ: More! More! . . . And that too!
Mark: A rock & roll guitar player! . . . A bass playervampire, a wino, you name it.
FZ: Hey, you! Sit down and be quiet this is a teen-age rock & roll program!
Mark: And, in the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone beef-up, they become writers of hot books!
Howard: "Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her quivering quim . . . "
Mark: Or they become Carmelite Nuns.
Howard: "Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated member in her slithering slit . . . "hu hu hu.
Mark: Or they become race horse jockeys! Now there's no reason why you or your loved ones should suffer about the size of their organs. There are enough problems in this damn world today, am I right?
Howard: Right on! Right on! . . . Right on!
Mark: If you're a girl and you're troubled with munchkin tits, you can console yourself with this age-old line from primary school. Help me out brothers!
Mark & Howard: "Anything over a mouthful is wasted!"
Mark: Yes, yes. And if you're a guy and you're a guy and you're ashamed about the size of your dick. {Volman points at someone}—ladies and gentlemen, a prime example—and one night you're at a party and you're being so be cool, I mean, you're now you know you're with this really cool lady and you're not even wearing any underwear You know I mean you're being so cool. And some guy comes walking up to you, you know, you never even ain't ever seen before and he's dressed all in leather, and he walks up to you and he sais these words . . .
Howard: "Twelve centimeters or less?"
Mark: He is a lonely guy. And If this happens to you one night while you're at the a party, well let me tell you, brothers and sisters, that's this is the time when you gotta turn around and look that Son-of-a-bitch sonofabitch right between the eyes, and you gotta got to tell him some words that could help him, some words that would show him that there's a better live than the one he's leaving— living. And right now I'm gonna ask my brother Jeff Simmons behind me here, to help us all in this moment by telling them us all these words. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Jeff: Ladies and gentlemen, if you can dig a country & western rap then you're in the right joint. This is It's the sacred song of the hour for all of France and the River Ruhr Valley. My rump hairs long for your sweet love whether you like it or not.
HowardMark?: These words . . .
Group:
What's between your legs
Is just the last
Few inches of a complex
Mechanism which runs up and down
our The spinal chord cord
And all hooked up to the human brain!
Howard:
Which if used correctly
Can effectively increase the dimension
And the firepower of your dick
To the point where
Group:
In some instances . . . .
Wa oo wa oo wa oo wa
Howard:
It could be classified
As a lethal weapon
Mark: Ladies and gentlemen, how about a nice big round of applause for a lethal weapon! . . . And we want you all to sing along with us. Fill this hall with the sound of your voices. Everybody sing "Penis Dimension"!
Group:
Penis dimension!
Penis dimension?
Penis dimension is worrying me
I can't hardly sleep at night
'Cause of penis dimension
Penis Dimension
Penis Dimension
Wa oo wa oo wa oo wa
The air
Escaping from your mouth
The hair
Escaping from your nose
My heart
Escaping from the scraping
And the shaping
Of the draping
I'm awaking
In a T-shirt
In a Chevy
At the beach
And I'm freezing
And I'm wheezing
And I know
You were only teasing
I hit you
Then I beat you
Then I told you
That I love you
In my car
In a jar
In my car
In a jar
The . . .
(Ha ha ha ha . . .)
Air
Escaping from your pits
The hair
Escaping from my teeth
(From you!)
My hands
Are gripping
But they're slipping
And they're dripping
'Cause I'm tripping
I got busted
Coming through customs
With a suitcase
Full of tapes
It was a special
Tape recording
And they grabbed me
While I was boarding
They grabbed me
Then they beat me
Then they told me
They don't like me
And I crashed
In my Nash
We can crash
In my Nash
We can crash
With Graham Nash
Look out now . . . The Bee Gees!
Won't you please
Hear my plea
Primer mi carucha (Chevy '39)
Going to El Monte Legion Stadium
Pick up on my weesa (she is so divine)
Helps me stealing hub caps
Wasted all the time
Fuzzy Dice
Bongos in the back
My ship of love
Is ready to attack
Buy me a carucha (Chevy '39)
Going to El Monte Legion Stadium
Pick up on my weesa (she is so divine)
Helps me stealing hub caps
Wasted all the time
Fuzzy Dice
Bongos in the back
My ship of love
Is ready to attack
Won't you please hear my plea
Won't you please hear my plea
Won't you please hear my plea
We are the other people
We are the other people
We are the other people
You're the other people too
Found a way to get to you
Do you think that I'm crazy?
Out of my mind?
Do you think that I creep in the night
And sleep in a phone booth?
Lemme take a minute and tell you my plan
Lemme take a minute and tell who I am
If it doesn't show
Think you better know
I'm another person
Do you think that my pants are too tight
Do you think that I'm creepy?
Better look around before you say you don't care
Shut your fuckin' mouth about the length of my hair
How would you survive
If you were alive
Shitty little person?
We are the other people
We are the other people
We are the other people
You're the other people too
Found a way to get to you
We are the other people
We are the other people
We are the other people
You're the other people too
Found a way to get to you
Do you think that I love you
Stupid and blind?
Do you think that I dream through the night
Of holding you near me?
You didn't try to call me
Why didn't you try?
I'm so lonely
(I'm so lonely)
No matter who I take home
I keep calling your name
(Shanook!)
And you
I need you so bad
You're the one, babe
Tell me, tell me
Who's loving you now
'Cause it worries my mind
And I can't sleep at all
I stayed home on Friday
Just to wait for your call
And you didn't try
You didn't try
You didn't try
You didn't try to call me
Why didn't you try?
I'm so lonely
(I'm so lonely)
No matter who I take home
I keep calling your name
And you
I need you so bad
You're the one, babe
Tell me, tell me
Who's loving you now
'Cause it worries my mind
And I can't sleep at all
I stayed home on Friday
Just to wait for your call
I can't say what's wrong or what's right
All you've gotta do is call me, babe
You make me feel so excited, girl
I've got so hung up on you
From the moment that we met
That no matter how I try
I can't keep the tears
From running down my face
I'm all alone in my place
I love Ray
[scat singing]
Ha Ha!
Ha Ha Ha!
FZ: Ladies and gentlemen, the George Wein variations.
Ha Ha Ha!
Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho!
. . . confidentially
Ain't she sweet?
Oooooooooohh!
(Cough! Cough!)
(Hack! Hack!)
Lie lie lie lie lie!
(Cough! Cough!)
Eeep! Eeep!!
Lie lie lie lie lie!
Hoot hoot!
(Ethel Laugh)Lie lie lie lie lie!
Hi Hi!
Yu-uurk!
FZ: Charlie Mingus, ladies and gentlemen.
Kiss my
Kiss my wrist
FZ: Good night. Thank you very much.
FZ: Yes, it's time for . . . boogie!
Mark & Howard: Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!
Hot, boogie!
Hot hot hot hot hot
Hooo hot
Oohh oh ohohohooo
Oohh oh ohohohooo
What will you do if we let you go home
And the plastic's all melted
And so is the chrome?
What will you do if we let you go home
And the plastic's all melted
And so is the chrome?
Who are the
Who are the
Who are the brain
Police?
Police?
Oohh oh ohohohooo
Oohh oh ohohohooo
What will you do when the label comes off
And the plastic's all melted
And the chrome is too soft?
What will you do when the label comes off
And the plastic's all melted
And the chrome is too soft?
Who are the
Who are the
Who are the brain
Police?
(My mama, yeah!)
Police?
OHW-OH-OHWOH-HO-HOOO
What would you do if the people you knew
Were the plastic that melted
And the chromium too?
What would you do if the people you knew
Were the plastic that melted
And the chromium too?
Who are the
Who are the
Who are the brain
Police?
Police?
Police?
FZ: Thank you very much for coming to our concert. I'd I would like to request that if you would please leave the hall in an orderly fashion so that we don't have any problems. Bring the band on down behind me, boys, this is an important public service announcement. I don't want to have the police injuring you on the way home. Be nice when you leave the place so you don't have any trouble. Good night.