Candice Bergen: And now, ladies and gentlemen, a special Christmas treat, the mellow sounds of Frank Zappa.

FZ:

I am gross and perverted
I'm obsessed 'n deranged
I have existed for years
But very little has changed
I'm the tool of the Government
And industry too
For I am destined to rule
And regulate you

I may be vile and pernicious
But you can't look away
I make you think I'm delicious
With the stuff that I say
I'm the best you can get
Have you guessed me yet?
I'm the slime oozin' out
From your— Take it away, Don Pardo!

Don Pardo:

You will obey me while I lead you
And eat the garbage that I feed you
Until the day that we don't need you
Don't go for help . . . no one will heed you
Your mind is totally controlled
It has been stuffed into my mold
And you will do as you are told
Until the rights to you are sold
Take it away, Frank!

FZ:

That's right, folks . . .
Don't touch that dial

Well, I am the slime from your video
Oozin' along on your livin' room floor

I am the slime from your video
Can't stop the slime, people, lookit me go

Don Pardo:

It's me, Frank, I am the slime
I am the slime!

FZ:

I am the slime from your video
(That's right, Don!)
Oozin' along on your livin' room floor

I am the slime from your video
Can't stop the slime, people, lookit me go

Don Pardo: Once again, Frank Zappa.

Singer:
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum,
Wie treu sind deine Blätter!
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum,
Wie treu sind deine Blätter!
Du grünst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit,
Nein auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum—

Don Pardo: The Killer Trees!

Detective: Yeah. Yeah, that's what I said. You heard me! They're killer Christmas trees! They're desperate trees, Chief, they won't just settle for tinsel and candy canes—they want blood. I don't know, Chief, they're some kind of mutant! Well, they hear the traditional Christmas hymn "O Tannenbaum" and then they kill. Looks like we've got a full-scale ecological disaster on our hands. I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Yeah. All right.
Lt. Bushakis: These trees got an M.O.?
Detective: Well, they force themselves onto Christmas tree lots where they lure their victims: unsuspecting, uh, Christmas tree buyers.
Lt. Bushakis: How do they do it?
Detective: Well, by looking full and bushy and standing close to where their cars are parked. And they're very smart.
Lt. Bushakis: Yeah.
Detective: They keep their prices low by constantly marking themselves down.
Lt. Bushakis: Sounds like a tough case to crack.
Detective: We GOTTA crack it! Or a lot of little kids who thought they were gonna get a bicycle—will end up with a pierced thorax!
Lt. Bushakis: Okay. Let's roll.
Detective: Yeah.

Miss Vaveseur: Well, good night, Mrs. Rodriguez. Um, y feliz Navidad.
Mrs. Rodriguez: Good night! Merry Christmas to you, Miss Vaveseur!
Mrs. Rodriguez: La cucaracha, la cucaracha. La la la la la. Hello? Hello, mama? Mama! Yeah, I just called to tell you. Right. I decided what to give little Jose for Christmas for him to play with. Yeah, a box of Kleenex. I'm gonna— Yeah, he can put it in his nose and stuff. Right. Okay, okay, I'll say it's from you, too—from both of us. Okay, mama, enjoy the turkey carcass. Goodbye!
Christmas Tree: O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum . . .
Mrs. Rodriguez: Oh, I'm so poor, Oh, I'm so poor, La la la, Oh, I'm so poor . . . Oh, I'm so poor, La cucaracha, la la la la, Oh, I'm so poor, Oh, I'm so poor, La da da . . . Ah doo dah . . . AARGH! Santa Claus!

Miss Vaveseur: Oh! Oh, God!
Detective: Okay, just—just calm down for a minute. We just have to piece this thing together now.
Miss Vaveseur: It's so horrible.
Detective: You say you heard the scream.
Miss Vaveseur: Oh, God, yes.
Detective: When you heard the scream, you ran back in and you saw the killer. That's all we want. What did you see? Just a—
Lt. Bushakis: All right.
Detective: —a rough description.
Lt. Bushakis: Now, just calm down here, all right? Calm down and describe the killer to our police artist here, Sergeant Nagey. Try to describe it now. Was he tall? Short?
Miss Vaveseur: He was very tall. He was so tall. And really bushy. Very bushy. With a lot of really neat ornaments! Oh, God!
Lt. Bushakis: Something like this?
Miss Vaveseur: Ohhhhh, nooooooo! That's it! That's the killer!
Lt. Bushakis: Okay. Send it out over the wire services.
Sergeant Nagey: Yeah.
Lt. Bushakis: Hurry up, come on.
Detective: Okay, now, uh, we need one more thing. We need you to identify some suspects, all right, now?
Miss Vaveseur: Oh!
Detective: All right. We're gonna show you a line-up. All right? Ya think you can handle it? Come on, let's go.

Detective: Okay, Miss Vaveseur, now, you're looking through one-way glass. Nobody can see you. Look at these three suspects and tell us which one you think is the killer.
Miss Vaveseur: Uh, I— I don't know. They all look the same to me.
Detective: Uh huh.
Lt. Bushakis: Wait a minute! I got a hunch.
Detective: Go ahead.
Lt. Bushakis: It's crazy but it just might work. Simon says, "Shake your branches!" Simon says, "Jiggle your ornaments!" "Kill the person next to you!" Okay. Simon says, "Kill the person next to you."

Lt. Bushakis: Well, I—I think we've got our tree. These trees are smart but they're not that smart.
Detective: Okay, one more thing, Miss Vaveseur. Where did you buy that tree? The tree.
Miss Vaveseur: I—I bought it at a lot down the street. It's the same place where I bought the tree for my apartment.
Detective: That means that one in your apartment might be a killer, too.
Lt. Bushakis: Yeah, but we can only arrest him if we catch him the act.
Detective: I'm afraid we're gonna have to ask for one more thing—your cooperation here. We're gonna have to ask you to act as a decoy. Okay?
Lt. Bushakis: Now, uh, don't we all—? If you just start singing "O Tannenbaum," okay?
Detective: Right. Are you with us?
Lt. Bushakis: . . . in the apartment with the tree—you'll act as a decoy. If you need us, we'll be right outside.
Detective: We'll be right there. No problem.
Lt. Bushakis: Just yell. Okay?
Detective: Okay? You with us? Okay, let's go. Get a task force over there right away.
Miss Vaveseur: I'll do whatever I can to spare the lives of innocent Gentiles.
Lt. Bushakis: Okay. I'll call the task force—I'll meet you over there. Yeah, this is Lieutenant Bushakis. I want ten squad cars and four patrol cars outside Twenty-nine West Street. And, just in case, send an ambulance—with a tree surgeon. That's right. You heard me right. Do it fast, pal.

Miss Vaveseur: Well . . . well . . . Boy, do I ever want to get pierced in the thorax!
Christmas Tree: O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum . . .
Miss Vaveseur: O killer trees, o killer Christmas trees, I want to feel your branches in me . . . AARGH!
Lt. Bushakis: Well, we said we'd be outside but we didn't say we'd do anything.
Detective: Yeah. Well, I guess we'd better take this tree downtown.
Lt. Bushakis: Okay.
Detective: Okay, tree! You're comin' with us. Come on. You have the right to one phone call, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
Lt. Bushakis: Hey, what do we do, uh, about the guy behind it?
Detective: What? This guy? Ah, he's just an innocent stagehand—he didn't have anything to do with it.
Lt. Bushakis: Well, we'll take him downtown and book him as an accomplice.
Detective: It's so sad, you know, because—she looked like an angel.
Lt. Bushakis: And now she is one.
Detective: I guess this case is closed.

Don Pardo: And now here's Frank Zappa with "Peaches En Regalia."