Fred Silverman:

Good evening, I'm Fred Silverman. Last June, when I became president of NBC, I vowed that this network would undergo significant changes to reflect what you, the American TV viewer, wanted to see. In the four months since I've been its president, NBC has undertaken the most extensive research campaign in the history of television. The results indicated that you, the American TV viewer, want something different, a new look—a new look with new faces. And, surprisingly, in all our data—the Trendex, Arbitron, and Nielsen surveys—all arrows pointed to one person. Over and over again, one man's name came up. And that man's name is Frank Zappa.

Quite frankly—quite frankly, no one was more surprised, you know, as I was. I thought it'd be Tony Orlando. Personally, I stopped following Zappa after his Mothers Live at the Fillmore album. Although, that burrito thing still makes me laugh. But the American people spoke and NBC listened. And I am proud to announce that we have signed Frank Zappa to a long-term, exclusive contract with the National Broadcasting Company. And you'll be NBCeeing a lot of Frank. Hey, and I'm not CBSing you, either.

Yes, the entire NBC star-making machinery is behind Frank Zappa. This January, he'll be starring in his own situation comedy as a high school basketball coach on "The Zappa Wonders." And here tonight, to unveil NBC's new look, Frank Zappa! Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Don Pardo: It's Saturday Night Live, with Frank Zappa! Starring Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, Bill Murray, Laraine Newman, and Gilda Radner. With special report from Father Guido Sarducci, and the comedy team of Franken & Davis. Ladies and Gentlemen, Frank Zappa!

FZ:

Hiya, hiya, hiya! Thank you—and, remember, I'm reading this off these cards underneath this camera here. Thank you! It's an awesome responsibility being selected out of millions of people to become the banner of NBC's new look. God, I hope I'm good!

Beldar: Honey, I'm home!
Prymaat: Honey.
Beldar: The relation of the Earth's axis to its sun is most noticeable today.
Prymaat: Yes, it's colder than a larthgor's mib. Beldar, we must maintain our lawn spaces to our human neighbors. You must collect the fallen tree particles.
Beldar: There is no human custom which says the female spousal unit may not collect the tree particles.
Prymaat: But I was the one who installed the exterior transparent weather panels!
Beldar: Mebs!
Prymaat: Mebs!
Beldar: Mebs!
Prymaat: Mebs!
Beldar: Mebs!
Prymaat: Mebs!
Connie: Greetings, parental units!
Beldar: Wait! Get your young cone over here.
Prymaat: You must consume mass quantities.
Connie: No! I have a date. I must prepare my cone.
Prymaat: Mebs! You had a date last night! Beldar, it is vital that you address our young one.
Beldar: Connie, we are concerned with the increasing frequency of your nocturnal interaction with the humans.
Connie: Do not be concerned. I can handle myself.
Beldar: Good. You know, Connie, Prymaat and I are not completely unaware of the problems which present themselves to you as a young, attractive cone on this miserable planet.
Connie: Oh, boy. You're not going to relate your life tales about the Arzoolians again?
Prymaat: No, but realize that when I was young I lived with my parental units on the planet Garnep in the Krint belts. All during this time not one Garneepian laid a tendril on my cone. So that on the day when Beldar and I had our langthoos joined by Shebvar the Relentless, I presented Beldar with an unhoned cone.
Beldar: Mmmm, and it heightened the senso-experience for both of us.
Prymaat: We did not leave our Guzz Module for three whole dreeodes.
Beldar: Mmmm!
Prymaat: Mmmm!
Beldar: And, except for those two flathrags from Meepzor, it was my first time as well.
Prymaat: Flathrags! You never told me about flathrags from Meepzor!
Beldar: Mebs!
Prymaat: Mebs!
Beldar: Mebs!
Prymaat: Mebs!
Beldar: Mebs!
Prymaat: Mebs!
Connie: Ohhhh! My date! I have not prepared my cone! Parental units, please greet the human!
Beldar and Prymaat: Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Beldar: Greetings.
Prymaat: Enter.
FZ: Hello. You must be Mr. and Mrs., uh, Conehead.
Beldar: Yes. Correct. Your name?
FZ: Frank Zappa.
Prymaat: What is your function on this planet?
FZ: I am a musician. And I'm giving a concert. (No, that should be out there—it shouldn't be in there. Oh, yeah, and—) And Connie is my special guest.
Beldar: Concert?
Prymaat: Concert. A voluntary gathering of humans to absorb sound patterns.
Beldar: Prymaat, assist our young one while I communicate with this human. I invite you to consume mass quantities . . . So, Zappa! Where did you meet?
FZ: Excuse me!
Beldar: Zappa!
FZ: Yeah?
Beldar: Where—where did you meet our young one?
FZ: I spotted her in the front row last night and I knew she was really special.
Beldar: Naturally, as a parental unit, I am concerned with whom our young one interacts.
FZ: Well, Connie told me where you're coming from . . . And I realize that as French people you must be very wary of Americans. Don't worry, I used to have a French person in the band and I know I can take good care of her.
Beldar: Good.
FZ: Hi, Connie.
Connie: Hi, Frank. Oh, excuse my parental units if they have presented you with square doctrines.
FZ: No, they're—they're not square, they're okay.
Prymaat: Connie has many of these discs which are gifts from this human.
Beldar: You? Produce these?
FZ: Yes, this is a collection—an unauthorized collection—of my latest sound patterns.
Beldar: I, Beldar, approve. Au revoir.
Prymaat: Return at the pre-designated time coordinates!
Connie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
FZ: Nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Conehead!
Beldar: Mmmmm. What fine compressed petroleum binding polymers!

FZ:

Some take the Bible
For what it's worth
When it says that the meek
Shall inherit the Earth
Well, I heard that some sheik
Has bought New Jersey last week
'N you suckers ain't gettin' nothin'

Is Hare Rama really wrong
If you wander around
With a napkin on
With a bell on a stick
An' your hair is all gone
The geek shall inherit nothin'

You say yer life's a bum deal
'N yer up against the wall
People, you ain't even got no kinda
Deal at all
'Cause what they do
In Washington
They just takes care of Number One
An' Number One ain't you
(Not anyway)
You ain't even Number Two

Those Jesus Freaks
Well, they're friendly but
The stuff they believe
Has got their minds all shut
An' they don't even care
When the church takes a cut
Ain't it bleak when you got so much nothin'

(So whaddya do? Hey!)

Eat that pork
Eat that ham
Laugh till ya choke
On Billy Graham
Moses, Aaron 'n Abraham
They're all a waste of time
'N it's your butt that's on the line
(It's your butt that's on the line)

Do what you wanna
Do what you will
Just don't mess up
Your neighbor's thrill
'N when you pay the bill
Kindly leave a little tip
And help the next poor sucker
On his one way trip
Some take the Bible . . .
(Aw, gimme a half a dozen for the hotel room!)

Thank you!

Garrett: Hey, man!
FZ: Wendell, hey . . .
Garrett: Yeah, I'm Wendell from Soul Sound. It was nice when you . . .
FZ: . . .
Wendell: Yeah, uh, you want some uh, choot?
FZ: No, thanks anyway, I don't do drugs.
Wendell: You don't do drugs? Hey, man, that's funny, man, Frank Zappa don't do drugs!
Jerry Eldini: Frank, I caught you. Frank, terrific, hey. Jerry Eldini, [...] Records A&R. You were sensational tonight, man. Sensational, sensational, monster, monster. Hey, you too after me. Frank Zappa, Don Kirshner.
Don Kirshner: Frank, you are one of the most dynamic performers in the industry today. But, you know, Jerry and I feel that if you do update your image a little, you could probably caught a whole new segment of today's youth market. Thanks to Jerry Eldini and his fabulous Polysutra Records and staff, and to Phyllis [...] in the promotional wing of my own Kirshner Entertainment Corporation, we have the resources and backing to take you, Frank Zappa, right back up to the top. Why don't the three of us get into my limo, drive down to LA together and take this opportunity to really get down and rap?
FZ: Thanks, but I'd rather drive alone in my own car.
Jerry Eldini: That is a no, no, Frank. The weather is turning into a horror show outside, we're talking torrential rains, mud slimes, heavy flooding. I would not send my worst group up on a night like this.
FZ: It's a perfect time for me to try up my new rain radio.
Jerry Eldini: Hey, that's cool. Don, if Frank wants to drive, he drives. He's probably going to produce a monster piece of music on the trip, uh. Terrific. Hey, Frank, do you need something to keep you . . . ?
FZ: I don't do drugs. Keep it.
Jerry Eldini: Ok, but that's fine anyway, as it turns up. [...] to see you. Excelente. We'll probably see you in LA.
Don Kirshner: . . .
Narrator: As it turned out, Frank Zappa [...] two fellows, because a hundred mile . . . Frank had to abandon his car . . . how could he know that he was walking into A NIGHT ON FREAK MOUNTAIN.

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