FZ (Europe, 1988): You know, I have no idea what the name of this program is, but you're watching it.

FZ (Vienna, 1978): I don't want to talk about anything. I'm sitting here because somebody said, "You're gonna do a television interview." Here I am. Ask me the questions. But like I said, you ask me a question, I'll tell you what I think, and the result you never know what is gonna be.

Do you know what you are?
You are what you is

FZ (New York, 1970): Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's dull.

You is what you am
A cow don't make ham

FZ (Vienna, 1978): It's a stupid business. You know, rock & roll is all make believe, it's all fake.

You ain't what you're not
So see what you got

FZ (Europe, 1988): Well, I don't feel any of the work that I've done in the last 24 years has changed anything or anybody.

You are what you is
An' that's all it 'tis

FZ (Vienna, 1982): The amount of records sold, and the amount of tickets sold does not tell you whether or not music is good. And anytime the people believe that is the only way you can tell the difference between good music and bad music, they're in big trouble.

A foolish young man
Of the Negro Persuasion
Devoted his life
To become a caucasian
He stopped eating pork
He stopped eating greens

FZ (Europe, 1988): Oh, it's real bad. It's real bad.

He traded his dashiki
("Uhuru!")
For some Jordache Jeans

Rudi (Vienna, 1984): Is this what rock & roll is all about?
FZ: That's right. It's about dishonest people trying to do things to artists.

He learned to play golf
"I ain't no NIGGER no more!
Hey! Hey! Hey!"

Do you know what you are?

FZ (Vienna, 1978): Yeah, I take a very cynical point of view. I think that being cynical is a positive value. I think that nobody should trust anybody else. I think that all people are assholes until proven different. And I think that if you take that point of view, you will be disappointed less in life.

You are what you is
You is what you am
A cow don't make ham
You ain't what you're not

FZ (Vienna, 1978): Don't expect friends, don't expect fun, don't expect a good life, don't expect anything, and then if you get something, it's a bonus.

So see what you got
You are what you is

Rudi (UMRK, 1988): Can you remember what was your first impression when you walked in?
FZ: Oh, God, not another interview! But it turned out to be pretty funny.

Narrator: [...]

FZ (Vienna, 1978): Aim this camera at this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, here is a classic example of a jerk for an interviewer. Why is that egocentric to have a car that's comfortable to take you from the airport to the hotel?
Rudi: Just asking. I mean . . .
FZ: You like Cadillacs?
Rudi: Mmh . . . no . . .
FZ: You like being comfortable? Why don't you like Cadillacs?
Rudi: I don't think it's poss—, I don't think it's a . . .
FZ: But wait a minute. Suppose somebody give you a Cadillac, would you like it? Do you people want a Cadillac?

FZ: Now, ladies and gentlemen, Rudi has—Sound running? Very good. Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is very important for you to watch because Rudi is now inside the Cadillac. He's been, let's just say, possessed by the Cadillac. We can't get him out. He's in there with his girlfriend. We don't know how this is going to turn out, we have to urge him to leave the car.
?: Rudi! Come out! Come out!
Rudi: No! It was so fantastic! Please, no! No!
?: No! Rudi!
FZ: It's better for you to come out. Rudi, come out, we're gonna put you in a small car, you'll really like it. Rudi! Get him out—Take him out of that car, put him, put him in a small uncomfortable car!
?: Rudi, Rudi . . . no, no, no, no . . .
FZ: She likes it too. Well, you see what happens when you get an Austrian in one of these things? They go absolutely apeshit.

FZ: In this scene, Rudi is trying to recover from his Austrian Cadillac Extravaganza. Little does Rudi know that we in America have a great tradition. Along with the ride in the Cadillac, when you have a birthday, you have to be spanked. One time for each year of your miserable life. And tonight Rudi is going to be pummelled—brutally attacked by John Smothers—who needs a little bit of a haircut. Now, Rudi, this is going to hurt you more than it hurts him.
John Smothers: Gonna hurt me more than it's gonna hurt you.
All: CADILLAC! CADILLAC! CADILLAC!
Rudi: No! No!
FZ: And this is the kind of stuff that cheap movies are really made out of.

FZ: You can give ins— You can—

FZ (UMRK, 1988): Ladies and gentlemen, The Vault.

Narrator: [...]

FZ (Woodrow Wilson Dr., 1970): Hello, my name is Frank Zappa, I'm a rock & roll musician. I'm a composer. And I make movies.

Narrator: [...]

Narrator: [...]

FZ (Vienna, 1978): Movements are always the same, you got some windbag who wants to say his philosophy, and he tries to make other people believe in it, and there's always gonna be some people who want to believe in it, and they go along with the movement, and eventually the movement falls apart, the people who believed in it turn out to be fools, the people who left the movement turn out to be fools, another movement comes along, another fool stands up, some more fools follow him. You know, it keeps going. Movements suck, they're stupid.

FZ (Europe, 1988): I've been saying that about the same things for years and years and years, you know. 23 years ago, maybe it was radical to say it, today it's only an obvious point.

Interviewer (Vienna, 1978): You like Schubert?
FZ: Yeah! I'm a very romantic person, are you kidding?

Narrator: [...]

Rudi (Europe, 1988): Would you say that you've became more quiet over the years?
FZ: No, I don't think so. I just think that maybe the surrounding noise level went up.

(Vienna, 1978):
Oh God I am the American dream
I do not think I'm too extreme
An' I'm a handsome sonofabitch
I'm gonna get a good job 'n be real rich

Narrator: [...]

(Upper Darby, 1980):
Women's Liberation
Came creepin' all across the nation
I tell you people, I was not ready
When I fucked this dyke by the name of Freddie
She made a little speech then

(Vienna, 1978):
Oh God, she tried to make me say when

(Upper Darby, 1980):
She had my balls in a vice, but she left the dick
I guess it's still hooked on, but now it shoots too quick
Oh God, I am the American dream
But no w I smell like Vaseline
An' I'm a miserable sonofabitch
Am I a boy or a lady . . . I don't know which
(I wonder wonder, wonder wonder)

(Vienna, 1978):
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, because the name of this song is "Envelopes."
Thank you.

FZ (Vienna, 1978): They keep selling you Mozart till you wanna die. You know, stick Mozart's face on everything. You got him on little candies. They probably got Mozart toilet paper here, don't they? Eh?

Narrator: [...]

Director: Once again, Ringo. That one.

Ringo: "Each guy has his own speciality of going out to find the . . . " What is it?

Howard: Fly out of here in the morning, you know.
Mark: Oh yeah, really?
Howard: Oh yeah, really.
Mark: Where—

Theodore: So, all right, listen. I'll come in, come in with my briefcase, I see all of this thing . . .
FZ: Yeah.
Theodore: I'll go, "Ping!" Everybody wakes up.

Howard: His intention is to create a, a piece of film so bizarre and, parts of it so full of bullshit and other parts of it so technically perfect, that the people are gonna leave the theater going, "I didn't understand it at all! What's he doing? What's, what's the message? What's he trying to say?" Well, that's the message, that he's not trying to say it.

Narrator: [...]

FZ (1980): It's 2 hours and 43 minutes long, it has music, animation and unusual forms of behavior.

FZ (Vienna, 1978): There is continuity going through everything that I do.

Narrator: [...]

Mark: Hi, friends. Did you ever consider the possiblity . . .

FZ (Europe, 1988): Oh, God, not them again!

Mark: . . . that your penis, or in the case of many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves . . .

Narrator: [...]

Mark: . . . might provide elements of subconscious tension? Yes . . .

Mark: Weird twisted anxieties that could force a person to have to become a politician!
Howard: Hooray!
Mark: A policeman! A Jesuit monk.
FZ: Dominus vobiscum et cum spiritu tuo.
Mark: A rock and roll guitar player!

FZ (Europe, 1988): To sit around and think about old jobs with old bands, and old lawsuits and old stuff like that. I have no nostalgia for that.

Summertime
And the livin' is easy
Fish are jumpin'
And the cotton is high.

FZ (1982): All I can say is, if you go to the Rolling Stones concert, you'll probably get a blow-job, if you come to my concert you'd probably won't.

FZ (Vienna, 1978): Well, when are my concerts just a concert? How dare you!

FZ (Ulm, 1978): Ok. Listen. This is a brand new band, this is the world premiere. Let's go to work. One, two, three, four . . .

Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy

Roll it over 'n grease it down
I'll drive you through the heart of town

A good lovin' man is hardest to find
A good woman needs to ease her mind
And I know a few that need to ease it behind

FZ (UMRK, 1988): Well, there's a difference between the fun and the musical value. I mean, some of the bands that are the most fun I think were not the most musical.

All y'gotta do is grease it down 'n everything is fine

Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy

Roll it over 'n grease it down

Narrator: [...]

Down

Peter Wolf: [...]

Down

Peter Wolf: [...]

Grease it down . . .
I grease it down . . .

Warren Cuccurullo: When I played with Frank, he, he took me out of my basement in Brooklyn, New York. So I was like a child, I was, I was a puppy. It's, you know, one of the few men that I love, ha, ha. I love Frank, he's incredible.

FZ (Europe, 1988): To accept the responsability of somebody who says, "What you're doing is garbage," you know, that's, that's my job in this case with the band.

Narrator: [...]

FZ (1980): With this much exposure, the landscape will go zipping by.

FZ (1982): It always amazes me that when a government is formed, and they have all these computers and they have smart people working for 'em to figure out things to do and how to organize stuff, that they always forget the kids. They always forget. They forget how much energy they have, and they forget how much damage they can do.

I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'

FZ (1982): When you forget the kids, your government is in danger, because the kids can suddenly give you a big surprise.

Cryin' for Sharleena
Can't you see?
I called up all my baby's friends
'N ask'n um
Where she done went
But nobody 'round here seems to know
Where my Sharleena's been

FZ (Europe, 1988): It seems that the problem with government as an institution is uniformly bad worldwide. It may be the only thing that binds all nations together, it's the incompetence of all their governments.

Where my Sharleena's been

Ten long years I've been lovin' her
Ten long years

FZ (UMRK, 1988): It's not that they make you think they don't know what they're talking about—They don't know what they're talking about, that's the problem with American politics, because qualified people don't run it, usually.

And I thought deep down in my heart
She was mine
Ten long years I've been lovin' her
Ten long years
I would call her my baby, and now

FZ (1984): The unions are the Mafia, which is the CIA, which is the Catholic Church, which is the government, which is—What's the difference? It's corrupt. It's the same guys pulling these strings, you know, one day he pulls the string and woof, this lamp comes out, you know, and the next day he pulls the string and there's a missile coming out.

I'm always cryin'

FZ (Europe, 1988): They way I look at it, take a look at the people who've been presidents in the United States so far. Could I do any worse? If I didn't know shit from Shinola, could I do any worse?

Rudi (Europe, 1988): If you would compare President Zappa, what would be the main differences that you could work out?
FZ: I work more hours. And I'm awake.

FZ (Vienna, 1978): Well, I've been practising for 14 years, I'm getting good at it now.

Narrator: [...]

Dweezil Zappa (1988): The way we were brought up is we were brought to have a good sense of being an individual and, you know, he wanted us to have good imagination and, so, if we were ever angry, for example, instead of like hit you or something, he would give us, you know, a piece of paper and a pen and say, "Draw."

FZ (1982): If they want to be professional musicians, that's fine. If they don't, that's fine, too.

Dweezil (1988): He's a great guy, a good dad, you know, he's funny. He's a great guy, you gotta check him out. Wherever he is, you come up and say hi, you say, "Dweezil sent me."

FZ (Munich, 1978): This is cheap. This is really cheap. Watch this . . .

FZ (Vienna, 1978): It's almost as if Mozart himself had rolled this one.

FZ (Europe, 1988): Okay. Acting though . . .

FZ (1982): People are people, and they are basically bad.

FZ (Europe, 1988): Yeah, because failure is the natural state of human nature, you know. To succeed is the rare thing, you know. To . . . there's nothing wrong with been a failure. You can fail. Get used to it.

FZ (1984): I think that life itself is so absurd, because the human species was a mistake, I'm convinced of it. That if there is a God, he really fucked up when he made people. Because there's only one thing the human beings can do, and that's kill. They do that exquisitely well, and better than any other species. They like to make a mess, they like to kill, they make—they like to make trouble. That's why the species will eventually just obliterate itself, and the world will be safe once again for cockroaches and moss.

FZ (1984): I have a great deal of difficulty imagining a character with a long white beard who knows what's in everyone's heart, and will make sure that the good people get their reward when they die. I think that this is dangerous propaganda.

FZ (1982): Being honest is very out of fashion. Nobody wants to do that anymore. 'Cause it's easier to lie and to chisel on the side, and you'll go further, faster, if you're a fake person.

Narrator: [...]

FZ (Europe, 1988): Well, in one way it's very, very easy, because everything is so mundane in the business, that any song which is not in 4/4 is a radical idea. So, that's . . . you know, by accident, if you left the beat off, you could be radical.

Narrator: [...]

FZ (1984): Well, actually, you know, the thing that disturbed me most about Francesco Zappa is that he doesn't have his picture on a little candy, like Mozart's got his picture on a candy. But, it just goes to show you that in every era there are some composers who have hits and some who don't. Okay? They're both working at the same time, and one of them winds up on a candy that you get when you go on the airplane and you come to Austria, the other one one paragraph in the back of a book someplace.

Narrator: [...]

FZ (UMRK, 1988): Well, loneliness doesn't enter into it, I mean . . . Put yourself in my place, this is a great place to work, it's a perfect place for me to work, and I like working this way. I like working by myself, and I don't like it when the phone is ringing, I don't like it when I get interrupted, so, this is. . . it's not a matter of loneliness, it's perfect. I like it.

FZ (Prague Press Conference, 1991): When I was here in 1990, I said, "How did you get the Communists out of here?" Somebody said, "Well, you know, they go to the country for the weekend." And so I guess that makes it easier.

Michael Kocáb (Prague Concert, 1991): Frank Zappa!
FZ: I'm sure you already know it, but this is just the beginning of your new future in this country . . . and as you confront the new changes that will take place, please try and keep your country unique. Don't change into something else. Keep it unique.
Translator: [...]

FZ (Prague Press Conference, 1991): Ah, well, you know, it seems to me just like, you never forget how to fuck. You know what I mean? Unless you're really, really stupid.

Rudi (Europe, 1988): You think you will still be on stage in 20 years time?
FZ: Uh, probably not. No.
Rudi: Why not?
FZ: Well, I don't have any plans to, but I may change my mind. But if I do and I come back here, I'm sure I'm gonna be sitting here doing an interview with you again. Ha, ha, ha!