FZ (Europe, 1988): You know, I have no idea what the name of this program is, but you're watching it.

FZ (Vienna, 1978): I don't want to talk about anything. I'm sitting here because somebody said, "You're gonna do a television interview." Here I am. Ask me the questions. But like I said, you ask me a question, I'll tell you what I think, and the result you never know what is gonna be.

Do you know what you are?
You are what you is

FZ (New York, 1970): Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's dull.

You is what you am
A cow don't make ham

FZ (Vienna, 1978): It's a stupid business. You know, rock & roll is all make believe, it's all fake.

You ain't what you're not
So see what you got

You are what you is
An' that's all it 'tis

A foolish young man
Of the Negro Persuasion
Devoted his life
To become a caucasian
He stopped eating pork
He stopped eating greens

He traded his dashiki
("Uhuru!")
For some Jordache Jeans

Rudi (Vienna, 1984): Is this what rock & roll is all about?
FZ: That's right. It's about dishonest people trying to do things to artists.

He learned to play golf
"I ain't no NIGGER no more!
Hey! Hey! Hey!"

Do you know what you are?

FZ (Vienna, 1978): Yeah, I take a very cynical point of view. I think that being cynical is a positive value. I think that nobody should trust anybody else. I think that all people are assholes until proven different. And I think that if you take that point of view, you will be disappointed less in life.

You are what you is
You is what you am
A cow don't make ham
You ain't what you're not

FZ (Vienna, 1978): Don't expect friends, don't expect fun, don't expect a good life, don't expect anything, and then if you get something, it's a bonus.

So see what you got
You are what you is

FZ (Vienna, 1978): Aim this camera at this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, here is a classic example of a jerk for an interviewer. Why is that egocentric to have a car that's comfortable to take you from the airport to the hotel?
Rudi: Just asking. I mean . . .
FZ: You like Cadillacs?
Rudi: Mmh . . . no . . .
FZ: You like being comfortable? Why don't you like Cadillacs?
Rudi: I don't think it's poss—, I don't think it's a . . .
FZ: But wait a minute. Suppose somebody give you a Cadillac, would you like it? Do you people want a Cadillac?

FZ: Now, ladies and gentlemen, Rudi has—Sound running? Very good. Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is very important for you to watch because Rudi is now inside the Cadillac. He's been, let's just say, possessed by the Cadillac. We can't get him out. He's in there with his girlfriend. We don't know how this is going to turn out, we have to urge him to leave the car.
?: Rudi! Come out! Come out!
Rudi: No! It was so fantastic! Please, no! No!
?: No! Rudi!
FZ: It's better for you to come out. Rudi, come out, we're gonna put you in a small car, you'll really like it. Rudi! Get him out—Take him out of that car, put him, put him in a small uncomfortable car!
?: Rudi, Rudi . . . no, no, no, no . . .
FZ: She likes it too. Well, you see what happens when you get an Austrian in one of these things? They go absolutely apeshit.

FZ: In this scene, Rudi is trying to recover from his Austrian Cadillac Extravaganza. Little does Rudi know that we in America have a great tradition. Along with the ride in the Cadillac, when you have a birthday, you have to be spanked. One time for each year of your miserable life. And tonight Rudi is going to be pummelled—brutally attacked by John Smothers—who needs a little bit of a haircut. Now, Rudi, this is going to hurt you more than it hurts him.
John Smothers: Gonna hurt me more than it's gonna hurt you.
All: CADILLAC! CADILLAC! CADILLAC!
Rudi: No! No!
FZ: And this is the kind of stuff that cheap movies are really made out of.

FZ: You can give ins— You can—

FZ (Woodrow Wilson Dr., 1970): Hello, my name is Frank Zappa, I'm a rock & roll musician. I'm a composer. And I make movies.

FZ (Vienna, 1978): Movements are always the same, you got some windbag who wants to say his philosophy, and he tries to make other people believe in it, and there's always gonna be some people who want to believe in it, and they go along with the movement, and eventually the movement falls apart, the people who believed in it turn out to be fools, the people who left the movement turn out to be fools, another movement comes along, another fool stands up, some more fools follow him. You know, it keeps going. Movements suck, they're stupid.

FZ (Australia, 1973): We, we have four possible signals: GRUNT, PEEP, CLAP & POOT. Okay? We'll start with the Peep . . . One more time now!
Ernie Sigley: That's far out. All right.

Interviewer (Vienna, 1978): You like Schubert?
FZ: Yeah! I'm a very romantic person, are you kidding?

(Vienna, 1978):
Oh God I am the American dream
I do not think I'm too extreme
An' I'm a handsome sonofabitch
I'm gonna get a good job 'n be real rich

(Upper Darby, 1980):
Women's Liberation
Came creepin' all across the nation
I tell you people, I was not ready
When I fucked this dyke by the name of Freddie
She made a little speech then

(Vienna, 1978):
Oh God, she tried to make me say when

(Upper Darby, 1980):
She had my balls in a vice, but she left the dick
I guess it's still hooked on, but now it shoots too quick
Oh God, I am the American dream
But now I smell like Vaseline
An' I'm a miserable sonofabitch
Am I a boy or a lady . . . I don't know which
(I wonder wonder, wonder wonder)

(Vienna, 1978):
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, because the name of this song is "Envelopes."
Thank you.

FZ (Vienna, 1978): They keep selling you Mozart till you wanna die. You know, stick Mozart's face on everything. You got him on little candies. They probably got Mozart toilet paper here, don't they? Eh?

Director: Once again, Ringo. That one.

Ringo: "Each guy has his own speciality of going out to find the . . . " What is it?

Howard: Fly out of here in the morning, you know.
Mark: Oh yeah, really?
Howard: Oh yeah, really.
Mark: Where—

Theodore: So, all right, listen. I'll come in, come in with my briefcase, I see all of this thing . . .
FZ: Yeah.
Theodore: I'll go, "Ping!" Everybody wakes up.

Howard: His intention is to create a, a piece of film so bizarre and, parts of it so full of bullshit and other parts of it so technically perfect, that the people are gonna leave the theater going, "I didn't understand it at all! What's he doing? What's, what's the message? What's he trying to say?" Well, that's the message, that he's not trying to say it.

FZ (1980): It's 2 hours and 43 minutes long, it has music, animation and unusual forms of behavior.

FZ (Vienna, 1978): There is continuity going through everything that I do.

Mark: Hi, friends. Did you ever consider the possiblity . . .

Mark: . . . that your penis, or in the case of many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves . . .

Mark: . . . might provide elements of subconscious tension? Yes, weird twisted anxieties that could force a person to have to become a politician!
Howard: Hooray!
Mark: A policeman! A Jesuit monk.
FZ: Dominus vobiscum et cum spiritu tuo.
Mark: A rock and roll guitar player!

FZ (Vienna, 1978): Well, when are my concerts just a concert? How dare you!

FZ (1980): With this much exposure, the landscape will go zipping by.

Fans (Upper Darby, 1980): [...]
FZ: These are some of our fans, just having a good time in the dressing room. And I want you to know [...] behavior . . .
Fans: [...]
Thomas Nordegg: [...]
Al Malkin: [...]

FZ (Europe, 1988): Well, I feel a little bit flattered and at the same time I wonder whether or not these people, uh . . . if they don't have something better to do. Heh heh heh.

Al Malkin: [...]

Zappa:
"Let's jog . . . "

FZ (Vienna, 1978): Well, I've been practising for 14 years, I'm getting good at it now.

FZ (Munich, 1978): This is cheap. This is really cheap. Watch this . . .

FZ (Vienna, 1978): It's almost as if Mozart himself had rolled this one.

FZ (1984): Well, actually, you know, the thing that disturbed me most about Francesco Zappa is that he doesn't have his picture on a little candy, like Mozart's got his picture on a candy. But, it just goes to show you that in every era there are some composers who have hits and some who don't. Okay? They're both working at the same time, and one of them winds up on a candy that you get when you go on the airplane and you come to Austria, the other one one paragraph in the back of a book someplace.

UH-OWWW . . .
(Let's mine the harbor . . . )

He's so gay
(He's so gay)
He rules the city in a way
You could say
(You could say)
It's sorta different today
All the taffeta and chintz
And every Leather Boy's a PRINCE

FZ (Vienna, 1978): Somebody has to talk about sexuality. The rest of the people just talk around it, you know. I'm here to provide that service.

Hey hey hey!
Please don't look the other way

You could be just like him
TOMORROW!
Ai-ee-ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!
Mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah
Maybe you'll get a chance
To borrow
(Borrow)
His bouquet (mmmh . . . )
And maybe later . . .
MAYBE LATER
We'll ALL BE
GAY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y!

DO YOU REALLY WANNA HURT ME?

CADILLAC! CADILLAC!

It wasn't very large
There was just enough room to cram the drums
In the corner over by the Dodge
It was a fifty-four
With a mashed up door
And a cheesy little amp
With a sign on the front said
"Fender Champ"
And a second-hand guitar
It was a Stratocaster with a whammy bar

We could jam in Joe's Garage
His mama was screamin'
His dad was mad
We was playin' the same old song
In the afternoon 'n sometimes we would
Play it all night long
It was all we knew, 'n easy too
So we wouldn't get it wrong
Even if you played it on a saxophone

We thought we was pretty good
We talked about keepin' the band together
'N we figured that we should
'Cause about this time we was gettin' the eye
From the girls in the neighborhood
They'd all come over 'n dance around like . . .

So we picked out a stupid name
Had some cards printed up for a coupla bucks
'N we was on our way to fame
Got matching suits
'N Beatle Boots
'N a sign on the back of the car
'N we was ready to work in a Go-Go Bar

People seemed to like our song
They got up 'n danced 'n made a lotta noise
An' it wasn't 'fore very long
A guy from a company we can't name
Said we oughta take his pen
'N sign on the line for a [...]