The Crux Of The Biscuit

Just keep yer nose
(Keep yer nose)
To the grindstone, they say
Will that redeem us
(Will redeem us)
Uncle Remus
(Uncle Remus)
I can't wait till my Fro is full-grown
I'll just throw 'way my Doo-Rag at home
(What was that?)

I'll go to Beverly Hills
Just before dawn
An' knock those little jockeys
Off the rich people's lawn
An' before they get up
I'll be gone, I'll be gone

I'll take a drive to
Beverly Hills
Just before dawn
An' knock the little jockeys
Off the rich people's lawn
An' before they get up
I'll be gone, I'll be gone
Before they get up
I'll be gone, I'll be gone
Before they get up
I'll be knocking the jockeys off the lawn
Down in the dew

 

 

Interviewer:

Is it likely that you'll be doing any more comedy routine stuff as . . .

FZ:

Well, we have one thing that you might qualify as a comedy routine that's built into the show right now. It's a new piece that hasn't been released yet.

It's a combination of two songs. One of them is called "Don't Eat The Yellow Snow." It's about an Eskimo and his seal and an evil fur trapper. And that— And then the evil fur trapper has something terrible happen to him and then he has to get repaired, and in order to get repaired he seeks out— well, he has to trudge across the tundra so that he can get to St. Alfonzo's parish at the juncture of the Columbia River delta. And he has to seek out the representative of St. Alfonzo, who is the patron saint of the smelt fishermen of Portuguese extraction.

And uh, he has to find St. Alfonzo's only authorized representative here on Earth, Father Vivian O'Blivion, man of the cloth. DUNT-DUN-DUN.

And then uh, the two songs are "Don't Eat The Yellow Snow" and "St. Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast."

I watch television every once in a while and uh, some things that I've seen on television have enthused me to the point of writing songs about them. "St. Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast" has some— is derived from a television commercial in the United States.

I'll tell you about it.

There's a margarine in the United States called Imperial Margarine, and they have this commercial that is in such a bad taste it makes you wanna die every time it comes on.

There's a young black gentleman sitting in a bed, and he's just woken up, and he's got his covers up like this. And then his young girlfriend comes trudging into the room; she's carrying a tray. She walks in, and he goes, "Oh, boy! Pancakes and butter!" And she says, "Good morning, your highness! No, it's not butter!" And as soon as she says "Your highness" this crown appears on his head. It goes, "ding!" Like that. And he takes a big mouthful of these pancakes and starts shoveling it in and goes "Mmm . . . this really tastes better than butter," you know. God, it's horrible! It's just—

We used to see that two or three times a night watching science-fiction movies and that would come on and I would just roll all over the couch, you know. Just loathsome.

So it turned into a song.

One, two, three, four . . .

No, no, don't eat it
No, no, don't eat it
No, no, don't eat it
No, no, don't eat it

Dreamed I was an Eskimo
Frozen wind began to blow
Under my boots 'n around my toe
Frost had bit the ground below
And it was a hundred degrees below zero
And my momma cried
She said
Nanook, no no
Save your money, don't go to the show

And I turned around an' I said, Ho ho
An' the Northern Lites commenced t' glow
An' she said . . .

Watch out where the huskies go
An' don't you eat that yellow snow
Watch out where the huskies go
An' don't you eat that yellow snow

Well right about that time, people
A fur trapper
Who was strictly from commercial
(Strictly Commershil)
Had the unmedicated audacity to hop up from behind my igyaloo
(Peek-a-boo)
And he started in to whippin' on my fav'rite baby seal
With a lead-filled snow shoe . . . I said . . .

With a lead
(Lead)
With a lead-filled
(Lead-filled)
With a lead-filled snow shoe
(Snow shoe)
He said Peak-a-boo
(Peak-a-boo)

With a lead
(Lead)
Filled
(Lead-filled)
With a lead-filled snow shoe
(Snow shoe)
He said Peak-a-boo
He said Peak-a-boo
(Peak-a-boo)

Of my favorite baby seal
With a lead-filled snow shoe
And he said Peak-a-boo to the baby seal with a lead-filled snow shoe
An' he hit him on the head 'n he hit him on the fin
An' he hit him on the nose 'n he hit him on the eye with a snow shoe
An' he said Peak-a-boo

You know that got me just about as evil
As an Eskimo boy can be

So I reached down with my special patented
Nanook of the North whale blubber mitten
An' I reached down 'n I scooped up a generous hand full
A mitten full of the deadly
(Yellow Snow)
The deadly Yellow Snow from right there where the huskies go

And then I pounced
And I pounced again
And I pounced
And I jumped up 'n down on the chest of the . . .
I got vicious with the fur trapper

And I took my mitten full of deadly Yellow Snow flakes
And I started rubbing it all into his beady little eyes
With a vigorous circular motion
Destined to supplant The Mud Shark
In Sydney mythology, hey!

Until finally this—
Finally—
Oh, calm yourself, ladies and gentlemen
Finally the evil fur trapper succumbed
To the deadly Yellow Crystals
And he said . . .

I can't see
(I can't see temporarily)
I can't see
(I can't see temporarily)
Oh woe is me
(I . . . I can't see temporarily)
What if there's something good on TV
(I . . . I can't see temporarily)
And I can't see temporarily
(I . . . )

He took a dog-doo sno-cone
An' stuck it in my right eye
He took a dog-doo sno-cone
An' stuffed it in my other eye
An' the huskie wee-wee, I mean the doggie wee-wee
Has blinded me
Temporarily
An' goddamn I can't see

Well the fur trapper was in a terrible condition
He couldn't see where he was going or nothing
But it serves him right for pummeling the baby seal
However he wanted to see War Of The Worlds
No no, The Day The Earth Caught Fire on television that night
Wouldn't miss it for the world
But he couldn't see it
And so he had to do something to fix himself up
So he remembered an ancient legend of the North
You don't know where that is, folks
But an ancient legend of the North Land
That says if anything bad happens to your eyes
From an Eskimo
You have to trudge across the tundra
All the way from the Arctic Circle
Down to the Columbia River delta
And seek out
The parish of Saint Alfonzo
Patron saint of the smelt fishermen of Portuguese extraction
And his only living representative here on Earth, folks
Father Vivian O'Blivion, man of the cloth
DUNT-DUN-DUN
So the evil fur trapper starts
Trudgin' across the tun-duh-ra
An' he goes trudgin' across the tun-duh-ra
Mile after mile
Windy and whistling and dwindling his way
Slowly but assuredly, yes yes, folks
Down to Saint Alfonzo's parish and here's what happened . . .

Yes, here we are!

At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
Where I stole the mar-juh-rene
An' widdled on the Bingo Cards in lieu of the latrine
I saw a handsome parish lady
Make her entrance like a queen
Why she was totally chenille
And her old man was a Marine
As she abused a sausage pattie
And said why don't you treat me mean?
(Hurt me)
Hurt me!
(Hurt me)
Hurt me!
(Hurt me, oooooh!)
At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
(Good God!)
(What you say?)
Where I stole the mar-juh-rene

Saint Alfonzo
Saint Alfonzo
Saint Alfonzo
Saint Alfonzo

Ah, Father Vivian O'Blivion
Resplendent in his frock
Was whipping up the batter
For the pancakes of his flock
He was looking rather bleary
(He forgot to watch the clock)
'Cause the night before
Behind the door
A leprechaun had stroked his smock . . .
Set him off in such a frenzy
He sang Lock Around The Crock
An' he topped it off with a . . .
An' he topped it off with a . . .
An' he topped it off with a . . .
Woo woo woo
Woo woo woo
Woo woo woo
As he stumbled on his cock
He was delighted as it stiffened
Yeah, it ripped right through his sock
Oh, Saint Alfonzo would be proud of me
(Proud of me)
He shouted down the block

Dominus Vo-bisque 'em
Et come spear a tu-tu, Oh!
Won't you eat my sleazy pancakes
Just for Saintly Alfonzo

They're so light 'n fluffy-white
We'll raise a fortune by tonite
They're so light 'n fluffy-white
We'll raise a fortune by tonite

They're so light 'n fluffy-brown
They're the finest in the town
They're so light 'n fluffy-brown
They're the finest in the town

Good morning, your Highness
Ooo-ooo-ooo
I brought you your snow shoes
Ooo-ooo-ooo

Good morning, your Highness
Ooo-ooo-ooo
I brought you your snow shoes

Very, very, very very fast.

At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
Where I stole the mar-juh-rene
An' widdled on the Bingo Cards in lieu of the latrine
I saw a handsome parish lady
Make her entrance like a queen
Why she was totally chenille
And her old man was a Marine
As she abused a sausage pattie
And said why don't you treat me mean?
(Hurt me, hurt me, hurt me, oooooh!)
At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
(Ha!)
(Good God!)
(Feet on fire!)

Where I stole
Oh, lord, where I stole
Where I, where I, where I
Where I stole the mar-juh-rene
Here's what I did
I finally made my way into the pantry where they keep the stuff
(You have to imagine that I'm the fur trapper, you understand, boys and girls)
And I went in there and I found the box with the mar-juh-rene
And I fumbled around for it
And I could tell because it said Imperial on the package
You don't know about that, but . . .
Raised lettering and aluminum covered cardboard package
And I fondled the little crown on the packet
And I said, this must be the stuff and I reached in there and I
Pulled out a— Pulled out a chunk of it
Rubbed a little on my right eye
And I said, Mmmm . . . 'M' . . .
'M' is for the mystery and the majesty of the mar-juh-rene
And 'A' is for Australopithecus
Which might have lived around here at one time or another
And 'R' . . .
'R' is for rats, which is what lives in New York
And then there's a hyphen
Which is something that might be used for erotic gratification
By a very desperate stenographer
And then there's a 'J'
Lord, lord, there is a 'J'
There's 'M-A-R' and a hyphen and a 'J'
And that 'J' stands for jubilation
Juba, juba, juba
'Cause we need a little bit of that every day
'M-A-R-hyphen-J,' a 'U'
And of course the 'U' always stands for you
Each and everyone of you out there
Because if you weren't there
This place would be uninhabited which also starts with a 'U'
And then we have an 'H'
'M-A-R-hyphen-J-U-H'
'H' is for horny in America, randy in Australia
And then another hyphen
This second hyphen could be used
What could the second hyphen be used for?
Lisa knows what to do with the second hyphen
Ha ha . . .
She would hold the second hyphen with a pair of tweezers
And administer acupuncture to some vital organ
And eventually acupuncture will be big down here
But not yet
And then after the second hyphen there's another 'R'
There's an 'R' that stands for . . .
(Raymond!)
Raymond? Yes, it stands for Raymond
Happy birthday, Raymond
Raymond is our door prize tonight
He wins a napkin
And then there's an 'E'
There's a big long, gigantic, long, extended, overwhelming,
Obnoxious, ubiquitous, comestible 'E'
It's an 'E' to the nth degree
And then there's an 'N' which is the 'N' of the nth degree of the 'E' that—
'E' that you just heard
And then on the end of the mar-juh-rene
It's a tiny weeny dwindling off
Superficial, phlegmatic, uh . . .
It's—you wanna hear cosmic
It's a cosmic 'E'
It's a teeny weeny 'E' on the end of the mar-juh-rene
And boy, you know, as soon as I had spelled mar-juh-rene
And I took the stuff and rubbed it on my other eye
I felt better right away
I was healed
Miraculous healing from the mar-juh-rene

I, I stole the mar-juh-rene
Well I admit it, I did it
I, I stole the mar-juh-rene
I admit it, I did it
As soon as I had repaired my eyesight
And had actually succeeded in watching
That great, heavy, cosmic, thrilling movie
The Day The World Caught Fire
On television last night
I immediately set about
To thank the guy who had made it all possible
None other than Father Vivian O'Blivion
And I looked around the parish and
I found him, he was off to the side
And here's what he was doing

Father Vivian O'Blivion
Was resplendent in his frock
He was whipping up the batter
For the pancakes of his flock
He was looking rather bleary
(He forgot to watch the clock)
Because the night before
Behind the door
A leprechaun had stroked his smock . . .
And that set him off in such a frenzy
He sang Lock Around The Crock
An' he topped it off with a woo woo woo
An' he topped it off with a woo woo
An' he topped it off with a woo woo
As he stumbled on his cock
He was delighted as it stiffened
And it ripped right through his sock
Oh, Saint Alfonzo would be proud of me
He shouted down the block

Now as soon as he shouted that
A whole bunch of people came over
And they started looking at this pink thing sticking out
The bottom of his discrete black stocking
And they all gathered around and they started checking him out
He lifted up his pants leg a little bit like this
He was going, Hey, boys and girls
And then
To calm them
Because that— that got them into a frenzy
To calm them down he gave them a special secret gesture
That he picked up in an extension course at Divinity School
Gave 'em one of these
Couple of those
Half a dozen dominus vobiscums
And that was it
They relaxed
And then he turned to them in a
Pseudo-biblical accent he said:
(Bring the band on down behind me, boys)

Join the march and eat my starch!

Rolling on four.

Six.

 

Rolling.

Dreamed I was an Eskimo
Frozen wind began to blow
Under my boots 'n around my toe
Frost had bit the ground below
Was a hundred degrees below zero
And my momma cried
Nanook, no no
And my momma cried
Nanook, no no
Save your money, don't go to the show

Well I turned around an' I said, Ho ho
Well I turned around an' I said, Ho ho
An' the Northern Lites commenced t' glow
An' my momma looked at me
An' she said . . .

Watch out where the huskies go
An' don't you eat that . . .

All right. Punch for the second set of fast ones.

Now right about that time, people
A fur trapper
Who was strictly commercial
Had the audacity to jump up behind my igyaloo

Some of you might know
Saint Alfonzo is the patron saint of the smelt fishermen
S-M-E-L-T fishermen of Portuguese extraction
And his parish is located in the area of the Columbia River delta
Wherein it is really funky
Now the fur trapper has to make it down there
And bust into the pantry
And locate a mysterious elixir
Disguised as a box of mar-juh-rene
He's got to break into the pantry
Whip out a stick of it
Rub a little bit on either of his deflected eyes
Thereby affecting some sort of miraculous cure
Stay tuned for the second part of our adventure
Wherein the fur trapper gets it all together
Hoopla!

Okay. I think we got it.

(Ha ha ha ha!)

Ha ha ha. Stop the tape.