One Size Fits All 50th Anniversary

 

FZ: Thank you very much. All right.

Whoa, whoa
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
He stuffs 'em

Have you heard the news?
(Wah wah wah-wah)
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
(Wah wah wah-wah)
Have you heard the news?
(Sing right along!)
(Wah wah wah-wah)
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
(Wah wah wah-wah)

They're so teeny
They're so tiny
They're so meeny
They're so miny moe
I said moe (We need some mo')
We need some mo' (I need some mo')
For the show (For all the show)
Come on let's go
To the sto'
Whoa whoa whoa
Whoa whoa whoa

Whoa, whoa
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
He stuffs 'em
He stuffs 'em

FZ: Ladies and gentlemen, Ralph doesn't really stuff his shoes. We're just pretending. You're rolling now and everything is working? Okay, I don't believe it, but here we go.

One, two, three, four!

 

Wah wah wah-wah
Wah wah wah-wah
Wah wah wah-wah
Wah wah wah-wah

Wah wah wah-wah
Wah wah wah
Well, well
Hey lawdy mama
Can't afford no shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Can't afford no shoes
Or laces

No more rubber
No more leather
It might all be
Gone forever too
No more glue
If it's true
It won't do
My feet are through
I tell you
With no glue
They're all blue

Hey lawdy mama
Can't afford no shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Can't afford no shoes
Or laces

Have to hold my nose
Just can't wash no clothes
I have to hold my nose
I just can't wash no clothes

One, two, three . . .

One, two, three . . .

Evelyn, a modified dog
Viewed the quivering fringe of a special doily

FZ: This really needs a little cheap tambourine. [...] 'Cause, uh, this is gonna get the folk rock works. Hey, four. One, two, three, four . . .

Evelyn, a modified dog
Viewed the quivering fringe of a special doily
Draped across the piano, with some surprise

In the darkened room
Where the chairs dismayed
And the horrible curtains
Muffled the rain
She could hardly believe her eyes

A curious breeze
A garlic breath
Which sounded like a snore

FZ: Hey, that was, that was fucked.

A curious breeze
A garlic breath
Which sounded like a snore
Somewhere near the Steinway (or even from within)
Had caused the doily fringe to waft & tremble in the gloom

FZ: That's when you do your left hand descending line.
George Duke: Oh, right, right, right. Okay.

Had caused the doily fringe to waft & tremble in the gloom

Evelyn, a dog, having . . .

Evelyn, a dog, having undergone
Further modification
Pondered the significance of short-person behavior
In pedal-depressed panchromatic resonance
And other highly ambient domains

Arf she said

FZ: All right. This shouldn't take long. Do it again from the top.

Evelyn . . .

FZ: Let's do it, uh, suave.

Evelyn, a modified dog
Viewed the quivering fringe of a special doily

FZ: Okay. Two, three . . .
George Duke: Heh, heh . . . [...]
FZ: Two, three, four . . .

Evelyn, a modified dog
Viewed the quivering fringe of a special doily
Draped across the piano, with some surprise

In the darkened room
Where the chairs dismayed
And the horrible curtains
Muffled the rain
She could hardly believe her eyes

A curious breeze
A garlic breath
Which sounded like a snore
Somewhere near the Steinway (or even from within)
Had caused the doily fringe to waft & tremble in the gloom

Evelyn, a dog, having undergone
Further modification
Pondered the significance of short-person behavior
In pedal-depressed panchromatic resonance
And other highly ambient domains

Arf she said

So funky J. J. Kansas
So funky Kansas Kansas . . .

Oh, yay!
Yay, yay!

Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

You're a pearl of a girl
Is what you tell yourself
I'd bet you use the toilet
Just like everybody else

What did you do?
Number one
What did you do?
Number two

Bitch, bitch, bitch
Bitch, bitch, bitch
[...] think
I wanna roll your number

Bitch, bitch, bitch
Bitch, bitch, bitch
Might I suggest
You try [...]

You already tried
[...] cover your butt
So why don't try [...]
[...]

What did you do?
Number one
What did you do?
Number nine

Bitch, bitch, bitch
Bitch, bitch, bitch
Bitch, bitch, bitch
Bitch, bitch, bitch
Bitch, bitch, bitch
Bitch, bitch, bitch

FZ: [...] start together [...]

One, two, three, four . . .

One, two, three, four . . .

Slobberin' drunk at the Palomino
Got thirty days in San Ber'dino

Well I'm the world's greatest dirt
By the Romeo
Got my fingernails all greasy
So the girls all really know

Counting the days
And full of Benzedrine-o
Got thirty days in San Ber'dino

They got forty-four men
Stashed away in Tank "C"
An' there's only one shower
But it don't apply to me

You might think I'm
Dumb an' lonely
Got my wings and
That ain't only
[...] now
[...] now
[...] now
[...] now
Get away
[...]

Get away . . .

Well . . .

Best-est way that
I can feel-o
[...] some mama
Who smoked a kilo
On my wheel-o
I'm for real-o
I'm for real-o
I'm for real-o
I'm for real-o
I'm for real-o
I'm for real-o
I'm for real-o

Got thirty days
In San Ber'dino
Got thirty days
In San Ber'dino
Got thirty days
In San Ber'dino
Got thirty days
In San Ber'dino
Got thirty days
In San Ber'dino
Got thirty days
In San Ber'dino
Got thirty days
In San Ber'dino
Got thirty days
In San Ber'dino
Thirty days
Got thirty days
In San Ber'dino
Got thirty days
In San Ber'dino
Oh, thirty days
In San Ber'dino
Oh, thirty days
In San Ber'dino
Thirty days
In San Ber'dino
Thirty days
In San Ber'dino
Whoa . . .
Thirty days . . .

Well, thirty days!

The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino
Gonna spend the rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino
(The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino)
Gonna spend the rest of their lives
Down in San Ber'dino
(The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino)
Come on with me
Come on with me
Come on with me
Down to San Ber'dino
(The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino)
Just 60 miles, 60 miles
Down the San Ber'dino freeway
(The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino)
They got some dark green air
An' you can choke all day
(The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino)
That's right!
Gonna spend the rest of their lives
Rest of their lives
Rest of their lives
(The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino)
Say now,
Ain't talkin' 'bout Fontana
Ain't talkin' 'bout uh uh
(The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino)
Ain't talkin' 'bout uh uh
Ain't talkin' 'bout uh uh
Ain't talkin' 'bout the Redlands, no no
(The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino)
Zulch is the auto works
(The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino)
I'm tellin' you
That's where they take
All the cars that they hurt
(The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino)
Come on and let's all go down to San Ber'dino
(The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino)
Ooo-ooo
Ooo-ooo
Ooo-ooo
(The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino)
Let's-a go down down down
Down to San Ber'dino
Wouldja b'lieve it
Wouldja b'lieve it now, come on
(The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino)
Everyday [...] San Ber'dino
(The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino)
(The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino)
San Ber'dino
San Ber'dino
(The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino)
San Ber'dino
(Got to call it)
San Ber'dino
(C'mere)
San Ber'dino
San Ber'dino
(The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino)
San Ber'dino
San Ber'dino
(Oh, God, they all stay there)
The rest of their lives
In San Ber'dino

Anything
Is there anything good inside of you
If there is, I really wanna know
Is there anything good inside of you
If there is, I really wanna know

Something
Something

Have I aligned
With a stoned mind
I wasted my time
On a blown mind
Have I aligned
With a blown mind
I wasted my time
On a stoned mind
Have I aligned
With a blown mind
I wasted my time
On a stoned mind
Have I aligned
With a blown mind
I wasted my time
On a stoned . . .
Whoa . . .

Something
Anything
Show me a sign
Something
Anything
Show me a sign
Something
Anything
Show me a sign
Something
Anything
Show me a sign
Something
Anything
Show me a sign
Something
Anything
Show me a sign
Something
Anything
Show me a sign
Something
Anything
Show me a sign
Show me a sign

Oh Andy . . .
Andy
Andy, Andy
Thong rind
It was sublime, y'all know
The wrong kind, yeah-hah-hah-hah!
Our man!
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, worn out, worn out, yeah
[...]

Napoleon: Bouillabaisse! George, [...], the last night, that piano player was . . .

Tush Tush Tush

George: [...] like a velvet sunrise.
Napoleon: [...]
George: Oh yeah.
Napoleon: Well . . .
George: [...]
Napoleon: Wait, wait, wha—?

George: [...]
Napoleon: I tell you what . . .
George: All ya'll crazy.
Napoleon: [...]

Tush Tush Tush

Napoleon: [...]
George: [...]
Napoleon: [...]
George: [...] Marty Perellis [...]

Hah Hah Hah

George: [...] you know what I mean [...] Well . . .

Heh Heh Heh

George: [...] so glad that I'm next to Ruth Underwood's room 'cause she [...]
Napoleon: [...] Herbie [...] anyway.

Heh Heh Heh

George: [...] Shut up!

Heh Heh Heh

George: Ooh yeah . . .

Heh Heh Heh

FZ: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our program, which tonight features Ruth Underwood on percussion, Napoleon Murphy Brock on tenor sax and lead vocals, Chester Thompson on drums, Tom Fowler on bass, and George Duke on keyboards.

Heh Heh Heh

FZ: Gotta find out if I'm in tune here.

Heh Heh Heh

FZ: Okay. As soon as I get my [...] up here.

Heh Heh Heh/Ruth Ruth Ruth

George: I say, Ruth, you're sure looking good tonight. Thank you, honey. Get down [...] cigarette, ooh!

Heh Heh Heh

George: I think y'all are crazy. [...]
FZ: Selection number one is entitled—wait a minute—"Stink-Foot."

FZ: Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen.

In the dark
Where all the fevers grow
Under the water
(Water)
Where the shark bubbles blow
In the mornin'
(Mornin')
By yer radio
Do the walls close in t' suffocate ya
Ain't got no friends
An' all the others, they hate ya
Does the life you've been livin' gotta go, now, does it?
Well, lemme straighten you out
About a place I know
(Now, get yer shoes 'n socks on people
It's right aroun' the corner
Over by [...] House)
(What?)

Out through the night
An' the whispering breezes
To the place where they keep
The Imaginary Diseases

Out through the night
An' the whispering breezes
To the place where they keep
The Imaginary Diseases

Now scientists call this disease Bromidrosis
And well they should
But us regular sort of persons
Who might wear a tennis shoe
Or an occasional python boot
Know this exquisite little inconvenience by the name of
Stink Foot

Y'know, my python boot is too tight
I couldn't get it off last night
A week went by, an' now it's July
I finally got that sucker off
An' my girlfriend cry
"You got stink foot!
(Yes, Ruth)
Stink foot, darlin'
Your stink foot puts a hurt on my nose!
Stink foot! Stink foot! I ain't lyin'
Can you rinse it off, d'you suppose?"

Well, here Fido, here Fido . . .
Bring the slippers, little puppy, yes, that's a good dog!
"Arf, arf, arf!"
Sick!

FZ: The next song that we're gonna play, ladies and gentlemen, is all about flying saucers. The name of the song is "Inca Roads" and George will sing it to you, so watch out.

Did a vehicle
Come from somewhere out there
Just to land in the Andes?
Was it round
And did it have
A motor
Or was it
Something
Different

George: Look out!
Napoleon: Wait a minute!
George: [...]
Napoleon: [...]
George: [...]
Napoleon: [...]

Napoleon: [...]
George: [...]
FZ: Ahoy!
George: [...]
Napoleon: [...]

Did a vehicle
Did a vehicle
Did a vehicle
Fly along the mountains
And find a place to park itself
Park itself
(Park it . . . Park it)
Or did someone
Build a place
To leave a space
For such a thing to land

Did a vehicle
Come from somewhere out there
Did a vehicle come
From somewhere out there
Did the Indians, first on the bill
Carve up the hill

Did a booger-bear
Come from somewhere out there
Just to land on Dick Barber?
Was she round
And did she have a motor
Or was she something different

Guacamole Queen
Guacamole Queen
Guacamole Queen
At the Armadillo in Austin Texas, her aura
Or did someone build a place
Or leave a space for Chester's Thing to land

(Chester's Thing . . . on Ruth)

Did a booger-bear
Come from somewhere out there
Did a booger-bear
Come from somewhere out there
Did the Indians, first on the bill
Carve up her hill

On Ruth
On Ruth
That's Ruth

FZ: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is Ruth. Every ounce of her.

FZ:

Okay. The name of this song is "Approximate." The reason why it's called "Approximate" is because it's approximately correct and it's approximately wrong all the time. And it can be played three different ways—with the dots, with the mouth, and with the foot. Way one: with the dots.

One, two, one, two, three, four . . .

Way two: with the mouth. (And Ruth.)

Mothers:

Ralph [...]
[...]
Herbie
Cohen
[...]
Smokin'
[...]
Cookin'
[...]
Ruth, Ruth
[...]
Ralph
[...]
Ralph
His shoes

FZ:

Way three: with the feet. One, two, one, two, three, four . . .

So dynamic.

Geef mij wat vloerbedekking
Onder deze vette zwevende sofa

Okay! And now the whole tune all the way through. Here we go.

Yes, she is a darling, isn't she?

FZ: Thank you.

The Mystery Man came over
An' he said, "I'm outa-site!"
He said, for a nominal service charge
I could reach nervonna t'nite
If I was ready, willing 'n able
To pay him his regular fee
Why he would drop all the rest of his pressing affairs
And devote His Attention to me
But I said . . .

Look here brother
Who you jivin' with that Cosmik Debris?
(Jivin'!)
(Who you jivin' with that Cosmik Debris?
Good God, ain't it funky now!)
Look here brother
Don't you waste your time on me

The Mystery Man got nervous
An' he fidget around a bit
He reached in the pocket of his Mystery Robe
An' he whipped out a shaving kit
Now, I thought it was a razor
An' a can of foamin' goo
But he told me right then when the top popped open
There was nothin' his box won't do
With the oil of Afro-dytee
An' the dust of the Grand Wazoo
He said, "You might not believe this, Ralph
But it'll stuff your shoes and [...] too!"
An' I said hey . . .

Look here brother
Who you jivin' with that Cosmik Debris?
(Jivin')
(Now what kind of a geroo are you anyway?)
Look here brother
Don't you waste your time on Napoleon

I've got troubles of my own, I said
(Oh, yeah, yeah)
An' you can't help me out
So take your meditations an' your preparations
An' ram it up yer snout
"But I've got a Kristl Bol," he said
An' he held it on up to the light
So I snatched it
All away from him
An' I showed him how to do it right

I wrapped a newspaper 'round my head
So I'd look like I was Deep
I said some Mumbo Jumbos then
An' I told him he was goin' to sleep
I robbed his rings
An' pocket watch
An' everything else I found
I had that sucker hypnotized
He couldn't even make a sound
I proceeded to tell him his future then
As long as he was hanging around, I said
"The price of meat has just gone up
An' unfortunately yer ol' lady has just gone down
What d'you think of that? "

Look here brother
Who you jivin' with that Cosmik Debris?
(Now is that a real poncho or is that a Sears poncho? Tell me)
Don't you know
You could make more money as a hooker
So don't you waste your time on me

FZ: Thank you! Gratia plena! . . . The name of this song is "Chester's Gorilla." One. Bwah. This number also features Ruth . . . One, two, three, four . . .

She was the daughter of a wealthy
Florentine Pogen
Read 'em 'n weep
Was her adjustable slogan

She was a debutante daisy
With a color-note organ
Deep in the street
She drove a '59 Morgan

Woo-lah!

That's the kinda step she takes
When her hot breaks hot brakes
That's the kinda sound she makes
(Ooh, let go uh me)
When her crab cakes

She didn't like it when her fan belt
Shrunk and got shorter
(Ointment)
Battery leaks could nearly cost her a quarter

She didn't want to go home
An' watch the pestle go mortar
Later she speaks
On how Perellis might court her

Na-na-na, yeah, na-na-noo
Na-na-na, na-ah-hoo
Na-na-ah, na-na-noo
Na-na-ah, na-na-noo

She was the daughter
Ah-ah-ahhh
Of a wealthy
Florentine Pogen
Po-oh-wo-oh-oh
Po-oh-wo-oh-oh
Po-oh-wo-oh-oh
Ga-ya-ee-annnn

Read 'em 'n weep
(Take a booger home with you to)
Read 'em 'n weep
(Take a booger home with you to)
Read 'em 'n weep

Chester's go-rilla
She go oink
Chester's go-rilla
She say quack
Chester's go-rilla
She go moo
Chester's go-rilla
She say
Hratche-plche

FZ: Thank you. All right. The name of this song is "Montana." And here we go.

I might be movin' to Montana soon
Just to raise me up a crop of
Dental Floss

Raisin' it up
Waxen it down
In a little white box
That I can sell uptown

By myself I wouldn't
Have no boss
But I'd be raisin' my lonely
Dental Floss

Raisin' my lonely
Dental Floss
Raisin' my lonely
Dental Floss

Well I just might grow me some bees
But I'd leave the sweet stuff
To somebody else
Ah, but then, on the other hand I would

Keep the wax
'N melt it down
Pluck the Floss
'N swish it aroun'

And I would have me a crop
An' it'd be on top
That's why I'm movin' to Montana right away

Movin' to Montana soon
Gonna be a Dental Floss tycoon
(Woppy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
Movin' to Montana soon
Gonna be a mennil-toss flykune

I'm pluckin' the ol'
Dental Floss
That's growin' on the prairie
Pluckin' the floss
I plucked all day an' all nite an' all
Afternoon

Oh, I'm ridin' a small tiny hoss
His name is Mighty Little
He's a good hoss
Even though
He's a bit dinky to strap a big saddle or
Blanket on anyway
He's a bit dinky to strap a big saddle or
Blanket on anyway
Well, any way

I'm pluckin' the ol'
Dental Floss
Even if you think it is a little silly, folks
I don't care if you think it's silly, folks
I don't care if you think it's silly, folks

I'm gonna find me a horse
Just about this big
An' ride that turkey all along the border line

With a
Pair of heavy-duty
Zircon-encrusted tweezers in my hand
Every other wrangler would say
Why don't you sharpen it then?

By myself I wouldn't
Have no boss
'Cause I'd be raisin' my lonely
Dental Floss, yes

Raisin' my lonely
Dental Floss
Raisin' my lonely
Dental Floss

Well I might
Ride along the border
With my tweezers gleamin'
In the moon-lighty night
(A little tweezer glint)

And then I'd
Get a cuppa cawfee
'N give my foot a push
Just me 'n the pygmy pony
Over by the Dennil Floss Bush

'N then I might just
Jump back on
An' ride
Like a zombie
Into the dawn to Montana

Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Well)
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
(Yes, indeed!)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Well)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
(Well well well well)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Yippy-Ty-Ay)
(Well well well well)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
(Yeah)
Movin' to Montana soon . . .

FZ: Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want you to pay very close attention to this announcement. You know it's sort of a rule of the house here that in the middle of the show, just when everything gets rolling, the concession stand upstairs where they have the little sandwiches and the coffee, they want your bucks—or guilders as it might be in this case—so we are forced to take an intermission at this point. That means we're going back there, and if you're hungry or thirsty you get to go up there and we'll be back in about twenty minutes. So, we'll see you guys in a little while.

(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
Movin'
Movin'
To Montana . . .

FZ: Well, here we go again . . . All right. We're gonna open up this part of our program first by raising a level on my monitor box, all right? Yes. Yes indeed. A little bit more, Brian. All right, all right. Okay. The name of this song is "RDNZL" and it shows Ruth in her finest hour.

One, one, one, one . . .

We could share a love
(Oh yeah)
We could share a love

We could share a love
(You and me, baby)
We could share a love

We could share a love
(Oh [...])
We could share a love

We could share a love
(Oh [...])
We could share a love
(You and me [...])

FZ: Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you watch George in the background he is going to play a fantastic solo for you and he always starts it off the same way, takes a little finger cymbal and he beats it with a stick.

FZ: In a few moments he's going to pretend he'd hit his thumb and hurt himself. Did you hear it? Yes, he's hurting himself. Do it again, George, hurt yourself some more. Keep hurting yourself, George. Hurt yourself until the full impact of the violence and all of the [...] frustration of having your board burnt up this afternoon is revealed to this audience here in Rotterdam. Hurt yourself, George. Good God! Now, play the piano.

George: All right. It's the continuing stories of whatever. [...] a shock. I'm talking about three men, they come from L.A. For purposes of clarification, I'll do it later. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. The first one name is Bob [...]. The second one is [...], and he got a beard. His name is Glickman. The third one's name is [...]. Good God. Hah hah hah. You all know what I'm talking about [...]. All right. For purposes of clarification we'll call this people Three Blind Mice. 'Cause they did something they shouldn't have done. Good God. You see. Three Blind Mice. You know what they did? They all run up to that broad [...]. Good God. [...] I'm out, man, they were big and bad.

[...]

[...]

 

I found a love
(Ladies and gentlemen, The Falcons)
I found a love, oh yeah
I found a love that I need
The way that woman walks
[...] love
The way that woman talks
[...]
Well, well, well, yeah
[...]
Makes me wanna get up
And walk outdoors
[...]
Bromidrosis
[...] my nose
[...]

FZ: Ruth Underwood on percussion, Napoleon Murphy Brock on tenor sax and "I Found A Love," Chester Thompson on drums, Tom Fowler on bass, George Duke on keyboards. Thank you very much for coming to the concert tonight. Hope you enjoyed it. See you later.

The way that woman walks
The way that woman talks
[...]
Hurts my nose

All right . . .

FZ: Thank you!

There's a place way across town
Whenever you're ready
Where the boogers gather 'round
Whenever they're ready

FZ: All right, ladies and gentlemen, that was just make-believe. The name of this song is "Pygmy Twylyte" . . . One, two, three, four . . .

Green hocker croakin'
In the Pygmy Twylyte

Crankin' an' a-coke'n
In the Winchell's do-nut Midnite

Out of his deep on a 'fore day run
Hurtin' for sleep in the Quaalude Moonlight

Green hocker in a Greyhound locker
Smokin' in the Pygmy Twylyte

Joined the bus on the 33rd seat
By the doo-doo room with the reek replete

Crystal eye, crystal eye
Got a crystal kidney and he's 'fraid to die
In the Pygmy Twylyte
Downer midnite
Pygmy Twylyte
Downer midnite
Pygmy Twylyte
Downer midnite
Pygmy Twylyte
Downer midnite

[...]

Get down, Frank!
Get down, get down [...]
Good God!

Wait a minute!

There's a place way across town
Whenever you're ready
(Come on [...])
Where all the boogers hang around
Whenever they're ready

Booger booger booger booger
Booger booger booger booger
Booger booger booger booger . . .

Honey, honey
Honey, honey
(Tush, tush, tush)
Honey, honey
Honey, honey
Yeah, somebody . . .

Honey, honey
Honey, honey
Honey, honey
Honey, honey
(Oh oh [...])

[...]

Doo-doo room
Right out back there's a
Doo-doo room
[...]
Doo-doo room
Everywhere you go there's a
Doo-doo room
Just follow your nose there's a
Doo-doo room

FZ: Hello! Hello! Is this room service?
Napoleon: Oh, this is the [...] room service.
FZ: Hey, buddy . . .
Napoleon: Hallo?
FZ: Do you speak English?
Napoleon: Little bit.
FZ: You do?
Napoleon: Little bit.
FZ: Say something to me in English.
Napoleon: Ah . . .
FZ: Reassure me . . .
Napoleon: Bouillabaise!
FZ: That's not English. Look here, buddy, I am a hungry musician, can you tell?
Napoleon: You look a little hungry, ah, go ahead.
FZ: I'm not gonna waste . . .
Napoleon: What would you like to eat?
FZ: I'm not gonna waste a lot of your expensive European time, however, listen carefully to this . . .
Napoleon: Remember now, you're not in your own country, you know . . .
FZ: I know you have to be humble when you're not in your own country, but look, I'm such a hungry musician, can you please get me something right away up to my room?
Napoleon: We're gonna bring you something very fast. What would you like to eat?
FZ: Well, it might sound a little weird to you at first but, I want a green hocker . . .
Napoleon: All you Americans are weird, what do you want, one green hocker.
FZ: That's right. I want a green hocker . . .
Napoleon: One green hocker.
FZ: In a Greyhound locker.
Napoleon: In a Greyhound locker.
FZ: Smokin'.
Napoleon: Smokin'.
FZ: In the Pygmy Twylyte.
Napoleon: In the Pygmy Twylyte . . .
FZ: That man over there knows what I'm talking about! Don't you? You speak English? Very good.
Napoleon: I know he does [...]
FZ: Hey, listen, get one for him over there, see that guy?
Napoleon: A green hocker, you want a green hocker in a Greyhound locker, you want it smokin' in the Pygmy Twylyte. How about a crystal eye?
FZ: Yeah, I wanna watch him, and I wanna watch him when he eats it, okay?
Napoleon: How about a crystal eye?
FZ: Okay. Yes.
Napoleon: Would you like a crystal eye?
FZ: Get him a crystal eye.
Napoleon: How about a crystal kidney?
FZ: A crystal eye and a crystal kidney.
Napoleon: Would you like a crystal kidney? How about a booger bear on the roast? Beef, that is.
FZ: A booger bear on roast beef?
Napoleon: Yeah. We've got a special [...]
FZ: Your English is not too good but you have to be humble when you're in somebody else's country.
Napoleon: [...]
FZ: You a Christian?
Napoleon: Christian?
FZ: Well, don't, I don't wanna get personal, but . . .
Napoleon: I wasn't there when they let the lights go outside.
FZ: Well, look, are you a pagan then?
Napoleon: No, I . . .
FZ: Are you a druid?
Napoleon: No, I . . .
FZ: Are you a [...] Egyptian?
Napoleon: Ah, no, I'm not from Paris either.
FZ: [...]. Well, look, would you please, por favor . . .
Napoleon: Por favor.
FZ: [...]
Napoleon: [...]
FZ: Get that shit up to my room right away . . .
Napoleon: Happy [...]
FZ: 'Cause I'm hungry as a motherfucker.
Napoleon: Hey, let me tell you, we're gonna send up somebody who's fast.
FZ: Yes?
Napoleon: We can always depend on him. Every time [...] football game we call him "Big Mac," 'cause he [...] so fast . . .

Bill, Bill, Bill Romero
Come on, help me out, George!
Buddy, Buddy, Buddy [...]
Buddy, Buddy . . .
Bill, Bill, Bill Romero
Bill, Bill, Bill Romero

FZ: Hello, room service?
Napoleon: [...]
FZ: Listen . . .
Napoleon: [...]
FZ: You know that chump Romero? You know that, that chump truck driver Romero that you were gonna send up with the food?
Napoleon: He didn't get up there?
FZ: He never showed up, buddy.
Napoleon: You see he had to drive a long way [...] crystal eyes [...]
FZ: Yeah, I know . . .
Napoleon: [...]
FZ: I don't mind if he gets something to eat, I just don't want him to eat it when he's on the way up to my room, now can you . . .?
Napoleon: I'm sorry. [...] someone else.
FZ: You're gonna send [...] someone else?
Napoleon: I'm gonna send up by someone else who is even more efficient than he.
FZ: Yeah? Is he reliable though?
Napoleon: Is he reliable? You can tell [...]
FZ: I know, he's got connections.
Napoleon: [...] no advances, he says, no dancing.
FZ: Oh, yeah? Well, who could this be?
Napoleon: Nobody else but the one and only . . .

Herb, Herb, Herb Cohen
Herb, Herb, Herb Cohen
Herb, Herb, Herb Cohen
Herb, Herb, Herb Cohen

FZ: Ladies and gentlemen, and especially that guy over there who wants the green hocker in a Greyhound locker, thank you very much for coming to the concert, hope you liked it, same to you, buddy, right there, and ah, good night!

Heh Heh Heh

[...]

Tush Tush Tush

[...]

FZ: The name of this song is "Ralph Stuffs His Shoes."
Napoleon: Hah hah hah hah hah hah . . . Hah hah hah . . .
George: Oh . . . Heh heh heh . . . Here we go, y'all.
FZ: That's right, here we go, you all.
Napoleon: Hah hah hah hah hah . . .
FZ: Hah hah . . .
Napoleon: Heh heh . . .
FZ: One, two, one, two, three, four . . .

La la la la
La la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la la
RDNZL

Have you heard the news?
(Wah wah wah-wah)
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
(Wah wah wah-wah)
Have you heard the news?
(Wah wah wah-wah)
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
(Wah wah wah-wah)

They're so teeny
They're so tiny
They're so meeny
They're so miny moe
I said moe
We need some mo'
For the show
Come on let's go
To the sto'
Whoa whoa whoa
Whoa whoa whoa

Whoa, whoa
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
He stuffs 'em
He stuffs 'em

Have you heard the news?
(Wah wah wah-wah)
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
(Wah wah wah-wah)
Have you heard the news?
(Wah wah wah-wah)
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
(Wah wah wah-wah)

They're so teeny
They're so tiny
They're so meeny
They're so miny moe
I said moe
We need some mo'
For the show
Come on let's go
To the sto'
Whoa whoa whoa
Whoa whoa whoa

Whoa, whoa
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
He stuffs 'em
He stuffs 'em

Whoa, whoa
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
Hey lawdy mama
Ralphie stuffs his shoes
He stuffs 'em
He stuffs 'em

FZ: Thank you.
Napoleon: Boullabaise!
FZ: Okay. The name of this song is "Po-Jama People."

Now some people's hot
And some people's cold
And some people's not
Very swift to behold
Some people do it
And some see right through it
But some wear pyjamas
If only they knew it

The pyjama people are boring me to pieces
They make me feel like I am wasting my time/loosing my mind
They all got flannel up 'n down 'em
A little trap-door back aroun' 'em
An' some cozy little footies on their mind

They are po-jama people
Po-jama people
Lord, they make you sleepy
With the things they might say
Po-jama people
Po-jama people, people
Jesus! I wish they'd all go away!

Po-jama people
It's a po-jama people special
Save a dollar right now and take one home with you today
Po-jama people
Po-jama people, people
Wrap 'em up
Roll 'em out
Get 'em out of my way
Wrap 'em up
Roll 'em out
Get 'em out of my way
Wrap 'em up
Roll 'em out
And get 'em out of my way
Wrap 'em up
Roll 'em out
And get 'em out of my way

Now some people's hot
And some people's cold
And some people's not
Very swift to behold
I tell you some people do it
And some see right through it
(Yes they do)
And some wear pyjamas
If only they knew it

The pyjama people are boring me to pieces
They make me feel like I am wasting my time
(Wasting my time)
They all got flannel up 'n down 'em
(Well)
A little trap-door back aroun' 'em
An' some cozy little footies on their mind

They are po-jama people
Po-jama people, people
Lord, they make you sleepy
With the things they might say
Po-jama people
(Wanna play some chess?)
Po-jama people, people
Jesus! I wish they'd all go away!

Po-jama people
Po-jama people, people
Make a deal right now and take one home with you today
Po-jama people
(Well)
Po-jama people, people
Wrap 'em up
Roll 'em out
Get 'em out of my way
Wrap 'em up
Roll 'em out
And get 'em out of my way
(Oh, yeah)
Wrap 'em up
(Yes, yes, yes)
Roll 'em out
(Play some chess)
Get 'em out of my way
Wrap 'em up
Roll 'em out
Get 'em out of my way
(Wanna play a game of chess?)
Wrap 'em up . . .

FZ: We'd like to thank you very much for coming to our concert tonight, ladies and gentlemen. It has been Ruth Underwood's great pleasure to play all of her little machinery for you. Napoleon Murphy Brock has had a wonderful time flapping his sax, flapping his saxophone and jumping all over the stage. Chester Thompson smiled three times and played a drum solo. Tom Fowler hopes that he's gonna get some nooky tonight and enjoyed playing the bass for you. Meanwhile, George "The Tush" Duke lives in fear of the next Great Dane to roam next door. Thank you very much for coming to the show, we hope you enjoyed it.

What can I say?
We hope you enjoyed it
(Wrap 'em up
Roll 'em out
Get 'em out of my way)
What can I say?
(Wrap 'em up
Roll 'em out)
We hope you enjoyed it
(Well)
What can I say?
(What can I say?)
What can I say?

FZ: I can't say anything. Can't sing anything either so good night!

What can I say?
What can I say?
Lord, Lord, Lord
Well, Lord, Lord, Lord
What can I say?
What can I say? . . .