Make A Jazz Noise Here

FZ: Okay, thank you, thank you, thank you! All right, all right, all right! Sit down, sit down, sit down! Okay. All right, let's get down to business, just wanna let you know, in case you— you'd be blind not to notice this, but we are registering people to vote here. Think we did four hundred last night, and hope to exceed that this evening. But meanwhile, did everybody hear the great news today? Jimmy Swaggart under investigation! . . . Oh, Jay-zus! One day every one of those cock-suckers'll get caught! Now I understand in the case of Mr. Swaggart that he claims that it was not multiple encounters with many prostitutes. Apparently only one sweet young thing, and he did tell Cal Thomas of the Moral Majority that the sex act itself was not fully consummated. However he did admit to doing something pornographic with the girl. Let's use our imaginations, ladies and gentlemen . . .

In the dark
Where all the fevers grow
Under the water
Where the shark bubbles blow
In the mornin'
By yer radio
Do the walls close in t' suffocate ya
You ain't got no friends
An' all the others, they hate ya
Does the life you've been leadin' gotta go?
Well, let me straighten you out
About a place I know
(Now, get yer shoes 'n socks on people
Because it's right aroun' the corner!)

You go out through the night
An' the whispering breezes
To the place where they keep
The Imaginary Diseases

Out through the night
An' the whispering breezes
To the place where they keep
The Imaginary Diseases

Now scientists call this miserable little disease
Podobromidrosis
And well, they should!
But us regular folks
Who might wear a tennis shoe
Or an occasional python boot
Know this exquisite little inconvenience by the name of
Stink Foot
That's right!

Y'know, my python boot was too tight
Couldn't get it off last night
Week went by, now it's July
I finally got it off
An' my girlfriend cry
"You've got stink foot!
Stink foot, darlin'
Your stinkin' foot puts the hurts on my nose!
Stink foot! Stink foot! I ain't lyin'
Can you rinse it off, do you suppose?"

Well . . . Here Fido . . . Here Fido . . .
Bring the slippers, little puppy . . .
Yes, that's a good dog
Bring them over to Jimmy Swaggart, that's right
He'll do anything for a good time . . .
Sick!

FZ: Well . . . Ike Willis, ladies and gentlemen . . . Mike Keneally . . . Walt Fowler . . . Bruce Fowler . . . Paul Carman . . . Albert Wing . . . Kurt McGettrick . . . Chad Wackerman . . . Now this is a special case, ladies and gentlemen, get that spot light over here, this is Ed Mann. Now, Ed had a tragic experience a few moments ago. One of the loyal fans in the audience came up and treated him like a war criminal because he fucked up the lick on "Dickie's Such An Asshole" way back when—who knows?—several weeks ago. But the people who come to these shows listen so carefully to every little detail that this man was deeply offended by Ed's performance. So to make sure that he gets his money's worth tonight, we're gonna dwell on it for a few moments now, and have Ed actually practice, kinda warm up for that big lick that happens in "Dickie's Such An Asshole." We're gonna rehearse it right now, ready? Just do it as a solo, here we go . . . or . . .
Ed: Or the way we did it that night, which of course was completely wrong. This is how it went . . .
FZ: Or . . .

FZ: Goin' to hell! Goin' to hell!
Goin' to hell! Goin' to hell!
Goin' to hell!
Goin' to hell! Goin' to hell!
Goin' to hell! Goin' to hell!
Goin' to hell!

FZ: Goin' to hell! Goin' to hell! Goin' to hell! Goin' to hell! Goin' to hell! Goin' to hell! Goin' to hell! Goin' to hell! Goin' to hell! Goin' to hell! Goin' to hell! Goin' to hell!

FZ: Goin' to hell! Goin' to hell!
No, I'm not
FZ: Goin' to hell!
No, I'm not!
FZ: Goin' to hell!
No, I'm not!
FZ: Goin' to hell!
No, I'm not!
There ain't no such place as hell!
So I sure can't go there
FZ: Jay-zus! Jay-zus! Jay-zus!
If you believe in that place
FZ: Jay-zus!
FZ: Goin' to hell!
FZ: Jay-zus!
FZ: Goin' to hell!
I don't believe in hell
There just ain't no place like hell
(Eww, that's really gross!)

Woaaaaaa-aaaaaah!
SATAN?
Senator Hawkins: Fire and chains
Fire and chains and fire and chains
Fire and chains and fire and chains
Senator Hollings: So, I'll be looking from this Senator's standpoint, not just to bring pressures but to try to see if there is some constitutional provisions to tax, or approach that can be used on the Congress to limit this outrageous filth.
Senator Hollings: Maybe I could make a good rock star.
Outrageous filth
Outrageous filth
Oh, outrageous filth down there
Senator Hawkins: Fire and chains
Fire and chains
Fire 'n chains . . . it's over there
Senator Hawkins: Fire and chains and fire and chains and fire and chains and fire and chains and fire and chains and
Fire and chains

FZ: Thank you!

Oh no, I don't believe it
You say that you think you know the meaning of love
You say love is all we need
You say with your love you can change
All of the hate, all of the fools
I think you're probably out to lunch

Oh no, I don't believe it
You say that you think you know the meaning of love
Do you really think it can be told?
You say that you really know
I think you should check it again
How can you say what you believe
Will be the key to a world of love?

All your love will it save me?
All your love will it save the world
From what you can't understand?
Oh no, I don't believe it

What?
Well!

FZ: May you never hear vloerbedekking again!

Aye . . . aye . . . aye . . .
Everybody!
Aye . . .
Make a jazz noise here!
Aye . . .

Go, man, wild!
(Yeah, yeah! Yeah, man, yeah!)
Aye . . .
(Yeah, yeah, yeah!)

Aye . . . aye . . .
Wild, man, yeah!

Aye . . .
Man, wild

Go, man, wild

Ay ay ay ay ahh . . .
Oh yeah!

Aye . . .
Thank you very much! Good night!

Bruce: You know, you know that reminds me of a real sad story. It happened right here in . . . lovely Cleveland a long long time ago, 'bout, about three hundred and thirty million years ago in fact, in the Upper Devonian. There was a really nice intellectual kind of a placoderm type of a fish, and he was, he was real creative, and he was a-just having lot of fun living, living his life gently along here in the Upper Devonian Peninsula you've got here, and suddenly, out of nowhere, came a band of religious fanatic sharks. And they organized themselves in crazy, fiendish groups, and just ate everything, leaving nothing for this talented creative placoderm type fish, and . . . it just brings tears to my eyes that you may let this happen again, in 1988. I don't know what to do about it! It's driving me wild! I can't hardly stand it no more! I might have to play an out-of-tune note or something! I JUST CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!

Senator Hawkins: Pyromania
Johnny Guitar Watson: YEAH!
Senator Hawkins: No question
Band member: Thank you so much
Senator Hawkins: Burn the building
FZ: You're goin' to hell!
Senator Hawkins: Burn burn burn
FZ: You're goin' to hell!
Band member: Hey, I've been there!
FZ: You're goin' to hell!
Senator Hollings: Maybe I could make a good rock star; I don't know.
Senator Hawkins: Tools of gratification in some twisted . . . Tools of . . . Tools of . . . Tools of . . .

Ike: Not that! Not the lizard!
FZ: Coming soon to an airport near you!

Star Wars won't work
Star Wars won't work
Star Wars won't work
Star Wars won't work

Star Wars won't work
Star Wars won't work
The gas still gets through
It can get right on you
And what about those germs now
Star Wars won't work
It's a piece of shit
Why are they even talkin' about it anymore
It's just an expensive bunch of nothing . . .

FZ: Hey! All right! Sit down! And if you're out in the lobby, get in here! Well . . .

Ron
Ron
Ron
Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron . . .
I've been such a good boy
I've been such a good boy
I've been such a good boy

Hey!

City of tiny lites
Don't you wanna go
Hear those tiny auto horns
When they tiny blow
Tiny lightnin'
In the storm
Tiny tiny tiny blankets
Gonna keep you warm
Tiny tiny tiny pillows
Tiny tiny sheets
Talkin' 'bout them tiny cookies
That the peoples eat

City of tiny lites
Maybe you should know
That it's over there
In the tiny dirt somewhere

You can see it any time
When you get the squints
From your downers and your wine
You're so big
It's so tiny
Every cloud is silver line-y
The great escape for all of you
Tiny is as tiny do
Tiny is as tiny do
Tiny is as tiny do
Tiny is as tiny do

City of tiny lites
Don't you wanna go
Hear those tiny auto horns
When they tiny blow
Tiny lightnin'
In the storm
Tiny tiny tiny blankets
Gonna keep you warm
Tiny tiny pillows
Tiny tiny sheets
Talkin' 'bout them tiny cookies
That the peoples eats

City of tiny lites
Maybe you shoulda know
That it's over there
Over there
Over there
Over there

His name is Stevie Vai,
And he's a crazy guy
Last November, I recall,
He needed a spanking

He decided then
A female specimen
Would be exciting for a night
To give him a spanking

Laurel was her name
She came to Notre Dame
He told me just the other day
He oughta be thanking
Her for the spanking

She was large and soft
And she beat him off
Made him drool upon his dork
And gave it a wanking
After the spanking

Hair brush!
Oh! What a hair brush!
(It's not that he requires grooming!
Guys with light blue hair never do!)

Then did she exclaim:
"There's another game
That we can play with this device,
And then a banana!"

It was slightly green
Vapors in between
Rising up to fill the room
And cook the banana

She said it was dry
"Stevie won't you try
To drool a little drool on it
And grease the banana"

Later in the dawn,
Laurel carried on
She got right up and dressed herself and
Ate the banana

FZ: Thank you!

I must be free
My fake I.D.
Freeeeeees me
Gotta do a few things
To make my life complete
(Sure you do!)
Gotta live my life
(Where?)
Under the seat
The difference between us
Is not very far
Cruising for burgers
In daddy's new car
My phony freedom card
Brings to me
Instantly
Ecstasy

No more credit
From the liquor store
Suit is all dirty, my
Shoes is all wore
Tired and lonely, my
Heart is all sore
Advance romance
I can't stand it no more, no more

She told me she loved me
I believed what she said
Took me for a sucker, boy
All corn-fed
Next thing I knew
She had a bolt on the door
Advance romance (Ha ha ha ha!)
I can't use it no more, no (Oh no, holy shit!)
Yeah . . . (Ha ha ha!)

They took Ike's watch
Like they always do
(It was a Timex, too!)
(Wah-Hoo
Wah-Hoo)
(And-a shame on you)
No more money, boy
I shoulda knew
(You should have know
You see the Tipper Gore discharge?)
(When I saw that thing come up there
I should have know right then . . . )
(It was . . . Holy shit!)
George Duke!
The way she do me, boy
She might do you, too
(Yeah, 'fraid so, I mean . . . )
(Really?)
The way she do me, boy
(Well, uh . . . He's been havin' trouble goin' to the mound, I don't know)
She might do you, too
(Don't think we need any more spread hitters, you know)
(Take me!)
(He's a-sprayin' into left field)
The way she do me, boy
Oh! Oh, yeah!
She might do you, too
(Oh, he's uh, gonna spray one into left field right about now, I don't know, uh . . . well, uh . . .)

Advance romance
Oh, yeah!
People I am through
Yes, I'm through!

Potato-head Bobby
Was a friend of mine
He opened three of his eyes
In the food stamp line
He opened four of his eyes
In the food stamp line
He opened five of his eyes
In the food stamp line
He opened six of his eyes
In the food stamp line
He said she might be a dancer
Well . . . but she sure was fine
Advance romance
(Oh, yeah, well)
He wanna try it one time
At least for one time

Later that night
They drop on by
Tell her all he wanna do
Is come up and say "Hi"
(Hi-Hi, Hi-Hi, Hi-Hi, Hi-Hi
Hi-Hi, Hi-Hi, Hi-Hi, Hi-Hi)
Half an hour later
She had frenched his fry
(Yodeloo yodeloo yodeloo yodel)
Frenched his fry
Advance romance
Bobby, say good-bye-yay-yay-yay-ay-ay-ay-ay

Kneecaps
Nektor
Ooohhh
Pickups
Bonjour
Butt rash

FZ: Ike Willis, Mike Keneally, Walt Fowler, Bruce Fowler, Paul Carman, Albert Wing, Kurt McGettrick, Chad Wackerman, Ed Mann, Robert Martin, Scott Thunes. Thanks for coming to the show, good night!