The Mothers 1970

 

One, two, three, four . . .

Wanda LaRue, Harry Atlee too
Frieda McDougall, Lola Steponsky
Went to the ovens a week or so ago

It doesn't matter if you're small
Jewish and small, Jewish and small
Jewish at all, Jewish at all

Wanda LaRue, Wanda LaRue [...]

Roy Thomas Baker: Frank, the tape's running if you wanna record one.

Aynsley: Toodle pip-ley.

Roy Thomas Baker: What, you wanna hear—? You wanna say things to him? Right. Just shout into that mike in front of you there. Oh, hang on. The wrong side of it.

Aynsley: Hello! Yes, thank you, Frank. When it says "King Kong"— Heh heh heh . . . "Louie Louie"? Okay.

Roy Thomas Baker: Well, we'll try a take of it, then.

Mark: There was one part where I wasn't sure what was happening. I can't remember. I'd have to hear it again.

Roy Thomas Baker: We're rolling.

FZ?: Rolling.

FZ: I'm ready.

FZ?: Can you see Aynsley over there?

Mark: How's it start?

FZ: One, two, three . . .

Roy Thomas Baker: Oh. Uhm . . . This hasn't got a title at the moment. So call it "Item 1," take 1. Rolling.

FZ: One, two, three, four . . .

L.A. in the summer of '69
I went downtown and bought some wine
I wasted my head on three quarts of juice
And now the grapes won't cut me loose
Well, I'm a wino man
Don't you know I am?

36, 24, hips about 30
I've seen a fine lady and I started talkin' dirty
She looked at me and raised the thumb
And said, "Jam down the road, you funky-ass bum"
I'm a wino man
Don't you know I am?

Well, I went to the country
And while I was gone
A roller-headed lady
Caught me weedling on the lawn
I'm so ashamed, but I'm a wino man
And I can't help myself
Help me somebody!

Well, I'm a wino man
Don't you know I am?

My guitar playing
And my wino career are in a slump
'Cause I find myself now living
In a cardboard refrigerator box down by the Houston dump
And I'm so ashamed

I've been drinkin' all night till my eyes are all red
Crashed in the gutter, got bugs in my head
Bugs in my clothes, I've been scratchin' like a dog
I can't stand water and I stink like a hog
Give me five bucks and a hot meal
Give me five bucks and a hot meal
Some practical assistance and perhaps an old overcoat or two
Have mercy on the wino man!
Have mercy!
Have mercy on the wino man!

Roy Thomas Baker: Uhm . . . This is "Envelopes," take 1. Okay, fellas, we're rolling.

Ian: Wait a minute. Let me get ready.

FZ: It's okay on the front, George. Do one of those in the front.

George: Uh, probably sounds phony, though, don't you think?

FZ: If you do a really fantastic one, it won't.

George: Okay.

FZ: Okay, I'll tell you what. Why don't you do this enormous cadenza on the front and then give a nod for the downbeat . . .

Ian: The downbeat would be the fourth bar in—

Roy Thomas Baker: This is "Envelopes," take 1. Okay.

FZ: You're rolling.

FZ: Very good, very good. Okay. Aynsley, give me a couple of uh, just dumps or things, in case I have to shorten that solo, give me some uh . . .

Roy Thomas Baker: Yeah.

FZ: . . . cut-off type fills. All I need is just like about— Just give me a few of those fills and then we'll start overdubbing this.

Roy Thomas Baker: Second insert.

Aynsley: Okay?

FZ: Aynsley?

Aynsley: Yeah.

FZ: Give me a couple of simple two-finger dumps.

Aynsley: Okay.

FZ: Good.

 

FZ: One, two, three, four . . .

Roy Thomas Baker: Yeah, this is "Giraffe," take 4.

FZ: One, two, three, four . . .

FZ: Ah, that's more like it.

Mark: We need five hundred thousand of those out on the streets by Monday.

Jan Donkers: A few years ago you told me that you were planning to live in Amsterdam for a while. What's— Have you any plans in this direction now?

FZ: Well, if, uh, they do 2— There's talk about doing 200 Motels on VPRO television and at that time I was thinking about living here for about a month prior to the production of the show.

Jan Donkers: When will it be?

FZ: December, I think.

Jan Donkers: December. [Dutch translation]

FZ: It hasn't— It hasn't been set yet.

Jan Donkers: No, no, I know, I just— I said "probably."

FZ: Well, how was I to know?

Jan Donkers: Yeah, ha ha . . . There's another question. About this, you know, on the cover of your first album there was this quote from the man who says, "I'm gonna make you guys as big as The Turtles."

FZ: That's right.

The Mothers: Ha ha ha!

Jan Donkers: You think you're as big as The Turtles now, with two people from The Turtles in your group?

FZ: Well it helps a lot if you wanna be as big as The Turtles to have some Turtles in your band.

The Mothers: All right, Frank! Right on, Frank, right on!

FZ: Take it away, Turtles.

Jan Donkers: If I promise you to make you as big as The Rascals now, what do you do then?

FZ: Yeah! They'll be, well I don't know, we'll get Dino Danelli on drums . . .

Jan Donkers: Can you please introduce the members of your group to the people and tell them what was the last group they played in?

FZ: Sure! Here they are The Turtles down here, ladies and gentlemen, Mark and Howie, in the brightly colored uniforms. Carefully concealed behind them amid the shrubbery and electronics is Ian Underwood. For— Formerly of the Mothers Of Invention. Aynsley Dunbar, formerly of this blues band they used to have, Aynsley Dunbar Retaliation and—What's that other one called? The Blue Whale?

Aynsley Dunbar: The Blue Whale, yeah.

FZ: Yes, that one too. And uh, Jeffrey "Swoovette" Simmons on electrical bass who was formerly employed as the leader of a group from Seattle called The Easy Chair, ladies and gentlemen.

The Mothers: Yeah, yeah! All right! Right on, Simmons!

FZ: And over here in the background we have George Duke! Take it away, George. George Duke records for World Pacific and he has his own ensemble known as The George Duke Trio and you may be familiar with his work with the Don Ellis Orchestra and also with Don— uh, Jean-Luc Ponty.

Jan Donkers: Oh, great, jazz violinist. Final question, your friend Captain Beefheart says he comes from Mars, where do you come from?

FZ: Well, I don't want you to hold it against me, but I come from the United States.

The Mothers: All right!

FZ: All right, now we're going to play a song for you called "Wonderful Wino," and it's dedicated to Mr. Duke on the piano, who's really big on the wine. Oh, yeah, should be.

?: Won't you give me an A sharp?
FZ: If the Monkees were doing this show they'd already be tuned up.
?: Who would care?
FZ: In E.
?: E-e-e-e-e.
FZ: Awright that's good enough. Here we go. Tawdriness. One, two, three, four.

Bringing in the sheaves
Bringing in the sheaves
We will come rejoicing
Bringing in the sheaves

L.A. in the summer of '69
I went downtown and bought some wine
Wasted my head on three quarts of juice
And now the grapes won't turn me loose
I'm a wino man
Don't you know I am
Oh, wow-wow, yeah yeah

36, 24, hips about 30
I seen a fine lady and I started talkin' dirty
She looked at me and raised her thumb
And said, "Jam down the road, you funky-ass bum"
I'm a wino man
Don't you know I am?
Wow-wow-ow

I, I went to the country
And while I was gone
A roller-headed lady
Caught me weedling on her lawn
I'm so ashamed, but I'm a wino man
And I can't help myself
Help me somebody!

I'm a wino man
Don't you know I am?

My saxophone playing
And my wino career are in a slump
'Cause I find myself now living
In a cardboard refrigerator box down by the Houston dump
And I'm so ashamed

I've been drinkin' all night till my eyes are all red
Crashed in the gutter, got bugs in my head
Bugs in my coat, I'm scratchin' like a dog
I can't stand water and I stink like a hog
Give me fi-i-i-i-ive bucks and a hot meal
Give me fi-i-i-i-ive bucks and a hot meal
Oh, yeah

Concentration Moon
Over the camp in the valley
Concentration Moon
Wish I was back in the alley
With all of my friends
Still running free
Hair growing out
Every hole in me

American way
How did it start?
Thousands of creeps
Killed in the park
American way
Try and explain
Scab of a nation
Driven insane
Don't cry
Gotta go bye bye
Suddenly: die die
Cop kill a creep!
Pow! Pow! Pow!

Concentration Moon
Over the camp in the valley
Concentration Moon
Wish I was back in the alley
With all of my friends
Still running free
Hair growing out
Every hole in me

American way
Threatened by us
Drag a few creeps
Away in a bus
American way
Prisoner: lock
Smash every creep/face
In the face with a rock
Don't cry
Gotta go bye bye
Suddenly: die die
Cop kill a creep!
Pow! Pow! Pow!

Mama! Mama!
Someone said they made some noise
The cops have shot some girls and boys
You'll sit home and drink all night
They looked too weird, it served them right

Mama! Mama!
Someone said they made some noise
The cops have shot some girls and boys
You'll sit home and drink all night
They looked too weird, it served them right

Ever take a minute just to show a real emotion
In between the moisture cream and velvet facial lotion?
Ever tell your kids you're glad that they can think?
Ever say you loved 'em? Ever let 'em watch you drink?
Ever wonder why your daughter looked so sad?
It's such a drag to have to love a plastic Mom & Dad

Mama! Mama!
Your child was killed in the park today
Shot by the cops as she quietly lay
By the side of the creeps she knew . . .
They killed her too

The air
Escaping from your mouth
The hair
Escaping from your nose
My heart
Escaping from the scraping
And the shaping
Of the draping
I'm awaking
In a T-shirt
In a Chevy
At the beach
And I'm freezing
And I'm wheezing
And I know
You were only teasing
I hit you
Then I beat you
Then I told you
That I love you
In my car
In a jar
In my car
In a jar

The air
Escaping from your pits
The hair
Escaping from my teeth
My hands
Are gripping
But they're slipping
And they're dripping
'Cause I'm tripping
I got busted
Coming through customs
With a suitcase
Full of tapes
It was a special
Tape recording
And they grabbed me
While I was boarding
They grabbed me
Then they beat me
Then they told me
They don't like me
And I crashed
In my Nash
We can crash
In my Nash
We can crash
In my/his Nash
Look out now!

Won't you please
Hear my plea

Good God!

Primer mi carucha (Chevy '39)
Going to El Monte Legion Stadium
Pick up on my weesa (she is so divine)
Helps me stealing hub caps
Wasted all the time

Fuzzy Dice
Bongos in the back
My ship of love
Is ready to attack

Buy me a carucha (Chevy '39)
Going to El Monte Legion Stadium
Pick up on my weesa (she is so divine)
Helps me stealing hub caps
Wasted all the time

Fuzzy Dice
Bongos in the back
My ship of love
Is ready to attack
Won't you please hear my plea
Won't you please hear my plea
Won't you please hear my plea

We are the other people
We are the other people
We are the other people
You're the other people too
Found a way to get to you

Do you think that I'm crazy?
Out of my mind?
Do you think that I creep in the night
And sleep in a phone booth?

Lemme take a minute and tell you my plan
Lemme take a minute and tell who I am
If it doesn't show
Think you better know
I'm another person

Do you think that my pants are too tight?
Do you think that I'm creepy?
Better look around before you say you don't care
Shut your fuckin' mouth about the length of my hair
How would you survive
If you were alive
Shitty little person?

We are the other people
We are the other people
We are the other people
You're the other people too
Found a way to get to you

We are the other people
We are the other people
We are the other people
You're the other people too
Found a way to get to you

Do you think that I love you
Stupid and blind?
Do you think that I dream through the night
Of holding you near me?

You didn't try to call me
Why didn't you try?
I'm so lonely
No matter who I take home
I keep calling your name
And you
I need you so bad
You're the one, babe

Tell me, tell me
Who's loving you now
'Cause it worries my mind
And I can't sleep at all
I stayed home on Friday
Just to wait for your call

And you didn't try
You didn't try
You didn't try
You didn't try to call me
Why didn't you try?
I'm so lonely
(I'm so lonely)
No matter who I take home
I keep calling your name
And you
I need you so bad
You're the one, babe

Tell me, tell me
Who's loving you now
'Cause it worries my mind
And I can't sleep at all
I stayed home on Friday
Just to wait for your call

I can't say what's wrong or what's right
All you've gotta do is call me, babe

You make me feel so excited, girl
I've got so hung up on you
From the moment that we met
That no matter how I try
I can't keep the tears
From running down my face
I'm all alone at my place

You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me

 

FZ: This is a song about vegetables. They keep you regular. They're real good for ya.

Call any vegetable
Call it by name
You gotta call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Yeah . . .
The vegetable will respond to you
The vegetable will respond to you
Look out!

Call any vegetable
Pick up your phone
Think of a vegetable
Lonely at home
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Yeah . . .
The vegetable will respond to you
The vegetable will respond to you
Ain't it funky now!

Rutabaga
Rutabaga
Rutabaga
Rutabaga
Rutabay-y-y-y . . .

Good God!

No one will know
If you don't want to let 'em know
No one will know
'Less it's you that might tell 'em so

Call and they'll come to you
Smiling and covered with dew
Vegetables dream
Vegetables dream
Vegetables dream
Of responding to you

Standing there shiny
And proud by your side
Holding your joint
While the neighbors decide
Why is a vegetable
Something to hide?
To hide!
To hide!
To hide!

FZ: You know, a lot of people don't bother about their friends in the vegetable kingdom. They think, "What can I say? What can a person like myself say to a vegetable?" But the answer is simple, my friends. Just call, and tell 'em how you feel . . . about muffins!
Mark & Howard: Yeah!
FZ: Pumpkins!
Mark & Howard: Yeah!
FZ: Wax paper!
Mark & Howard: Yeah!
FZ: Caledonias, mahoganies and elbows, and green things in general, and soon, a new rapport! You and your new little green and yellow buddies, grooving together! Maintaining your coolness together! Worshipping together in the church of your choice! Only in America!

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of . . .

Call any vegetable
Call it by name
Call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Oh! That the vegetable will respond to you

What a pumpkin!

 

 

 

Howard:
What's a girl like you
Doin' in a place like this?

Mark:
I left my place after midnight
And I came to this club
Me and my partner, we came here
Lookin' for love

Howard:
You came to the right place
This is it
This is the swingin'-est place in San Rafael

Group:
No shit!

Mark:
How true that is

Howard:
How true indeed

Mark:
Me and my partner, we're coming
To get the hot romance we need
We like to get it on
Do you like to get it on too?

Howard:
Well, what did you have in mind?

Mark:
Well I get off bein' juked with a baby octopus
And spewed upon with creamed corn
And my girlfriend, she digs it with a hot 7 Up bottle
While somebody's yelling
"Corks & Safeties!
Corks & Safe . . ."
Oh!

Jeff:
It gets me so hot I could scream

Group:
Corks & Safeties
Corks & Safeties

Jeff:
Oh hey hey, oh-oo-wow!

Group:
Corks & Safeties
Corks & Safeties

Howard:
Wow! You two chicks sound real far out and groovy
Ever been to a Holiday Inn?
Magic Fingers in the bed
Wall-mounted TV screens
Coffee-Host plugged into the bathroom wall
Formica's really keen!

Group:
What kind of girl
Do you think we are?
What kind of girl
Do you think we are?
Don't call us groupies
That is going too far
We wouldn't ball you
Just because you're a star

FZ:
These girls wouldn't let just anybody
Spew on their vital parts
They want a guy from a group
With a big hit single in the charts!

Howard:
Funny you should mention it
Our new single made the charts this week
With a bullet
With a bullet
Just let me put a little more tinsel glitter
On my face right now
And you can show me how
A young girl such as you might be
Thrilled and overwhelmed by me

Mark:
What Holiday Inn are you staying at?

Howard:
Wanna split right away?

Mark:
Not so fast, you silly boy
There's one thing left to say

Group:
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
And if his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
They will give him their hearts

Howard:
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
You too, electric head, just a minute!
Why didn't you say so before?

Howard:

I've got the thing you need
I am endowed beyond your wildest
Clearasil-spattered fantasies

Girls from all over the world
Flock to write my name on the toilet walls
Of the Whisky à Go-Go

Group:
For I am Bwana Dik
I am Bwana Dik
He's Bwana Dik
Me Bwana Dik

Howard:
My dick is a monster
Give me your heart

Group:
Bwana Dik is a legend
Enormous thou art

Howard:
My dick is a Harley
You kick it to start

Group:
Bwana Dik speaks
The heavens will part

Howard:
My dick is a dagger
I'll force it to fit
My dick is a reamer
To scream up your slit

Group:
Steam it!
Steam it!
Ream it!
Cream it!

Howard:
You can hear the steam
You can hear the screaming steam
As the reamer steams up the lake
To the snake
In the black crystal
Naugahyde iridescent
Black velvet Naugahyde
Did I just say it twice?
Steam roller

Group:

Help me! Help me! Help!

Hear the steam
Feel the steam
See the steam
Heal the screaming
Hot black steaming
Naugahyde iridescent
Hot black python
Steam roller

All groupies must bow down
In the sacred presence
Of the Latex Solar Beef

The steam is coming out
The steam is coming, coming, coming, coming . . .
Cream it! Steam it! Aaaah . . .

Jeff:
Listen, the steam is whistling

She's such a dignified lady
She's so pretty and soft
You can't call her a groupie
It just pisses her off

She got diamonds and jewelry
She got lotsa new clothes
She ain't hurtin' for money
So that everyone knows

She knows what she wants
She knows what she likes
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out
She's got her eyes on you

She left her place after midnight
And she drove to the club
You know that her and her partner
Came here lookin' for love
They want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
They will give him their hearts

'Cause they know what they want
Know what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
All right
They got their eyes on you

Now they spotted George Duke
At the end of the bar
They go up and say, "Hi!"
And ask if he has a car
He says he don't
They say they do
They say, "Let's get it on!"
'Bout a half of a minute
And you know they are gone

'Cause he's got what they want
Knows what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
All right
You got 'em screamin' all night

One more! One more! One more!

Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
All right
You got 'em screamin' all night
Got 'em screamin' all night . . .

FZ: On the way to the hotel, in a little car . . .

Mark: Vroom . . . Vroom . . . Hey, honey, do you like my new car?

Howard: Oh, it's real cool. Do you know how to get to the Holiday Inn?

Mark: Which one are you staying at?

Howard: The one by the airport. We gotta get up, fly out of here early in the morning, you know?

Mark: Where do you play tomorrow night?

Howard: Düsseldorf.

Mark: Oh, you're so professional. The way you get to travel to all those exotic places. Do you really have a hit single in the charts, with a bullet?

Howard: Listen, honey, would I lie to you just to get in your pants?

Mark: Don't talk to me that way! I am not a groupie!

Howard: No, no, I . . .

Mark: And neither is my girlfriend Jeff.

Jeff: No shit, Howie, we just like musicians for friends.

Howard: But . . . But I thought you said you got off being juked with a baby octopus and spewed upon with creamed corn and that your harelipped girlfriend dug it with a hot 7-Up bottle or she went apeshit, I mean, what's the deal?

Mark: All that's true, Howie, all that's true, and sometimes I even dig it with a Jack-In-The-Box ring job, but we are not groupies! We are not groupies, and you remember that if you want to get—

Howard: But, I want some action. I mean, I want a hot, steaming, succulent, ever-widening, gaping, drippy, running, sticking, smelling orifice with a teen-age girl attached to it, I mean, I thought we were at least gonna get our rocks off, you know what I mean? Huh? Know what I mean? Huh? Know what I mean? Huh? Know what I mean? Huh? Feet on fire! Alvin Lee! Know what I mean?

Mark: I have been looking for a guy from a group with a dick which is a monster!

Howard: That's me! Why didn't you say so before? Take me, I'm yours, you succulent San Francisco beauty. Fulfill my wildest dreams!

Mark: Oh! Anything for you, my most seductive pop star of a man . . . bead jobs, knotted nylons, bamboo canes, ice cubes, Mazola Oil, and/or including an electric pony harness, air cooled. All this and more . . .

Howard: I can't stand it! I can't stand it! Give it to me now! Give it to me now right here in the car, it doesn't matter, give it to me right here, I'm ready. Give me the pony harness . . . Please . . . Oh, please . . .

Mark: Only if you'll—

Howard: Please.

Mark: Only if you'll sing me your big hit record! And I wanna hear the bullet too!

Howard: What?

Mark: Well, I have a problem.

Howard: Would you like to talk about it?

Mark: I can't come!

Howard: Huh?

Mark: I can't come unless you sing me your big hit record, heh heh heh . . . Please, sing me the record, the one. And you sing me the bullet!

Howard: The bullet?

Mark: The bullet! . . . Howie, you got to sing the record. The one . . . you do . . . come on, Howie . . . please . . .

Howard: Okay, okay, baby.

Mark: Sing me the bullet.

Howard: Bend over and spread 'em. Here comes my bullet . . .

Imagine me and you
I do
I think about you day and night
It's only right
To think about the girl you love
And hold her tight
So happy together

If I should call you up
(Call you up)
Invest a dime
And you say you belong to me
(Ease my mind)
And ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be
(Very fine)
So very fine
So happy together

I can't see me
Lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me
Baby, the skies will be blue
For all my life

Mark: Come on, now! Sing along! Like a big show! Come on!

FZ: Thank you!
Mark: Thank you very much. Thank you.
FZ: The Turtles, ladies and gentlemen!
Mark: Dunbar!

Announcer: . . . here for tonight. That's the man. I wanna give you a little run-down. I really don't have to go into this, but I'm pretty sure everybody is hip enough to understand what's going down behind that curtain when we raise 'em up and bring them apart. He records for Warner Bros., he's probably—and his people—probably the most creative of people currently in the fields of music. Rock music, or progressive rock, whatever you wanna call it. Let's hear for The Mothers Of Invention!

FZ: Hello! Hello! Art Laboe! Welcome to El Monte Legion Stadium!

Earth angel, earth angel . . .

FZ: Okay, boys and girls. Listen, uh, the last time we played here, in this attractive dungeon, was about five years ago, for a thing called The Moonfire Happening. Does anybody remember that event? Ew. History, yes it was. It ate it. All right. Now. We're going to begin, and we're gonna hope that everything goes all right, 'cause Lord knows we wanna do a swell job for you tonight . . . Ew, you little fairy . . . No, no, no, I didn't mean that, I don't wanna get too carried away. We're in a good mood tonight, there's lots of wonderful things happening backstage—somebody gave us a green cake.

Howard: Warner Bros.

FZ: And you know what that means. Okay. The first song is an old song called "Call Any Vegetable." Ready? One, two, three . . .

FZ: This is a new arrangement that we have of it. It opens up with Agon by Igor Stravinsky.

FZ: This is a song about vegetables. They keep you regular. They're real good for ya.

Call any vegetable
Call it by name
You gotta call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Yeah . . .
The vegetable will respond to you
The vegetable will respond to you

Rutabaga
Rutabaga
Rutabaga
Rutabaga
Rutabay-y-y-y . . .

No one will know
If you don't want to let 'em know
No one will know
'Less it's you that might tell 'em so

Call and they'll come to you
Smiling and covered with dew
Vegetables dream
Vegetables dream
Vegetables dream
Of responding to you

Standing there shiny
And proud by your side
Holding your joint
While the neighbors decide
Why is a vegetable
Something to hide?
To hide!
To hide!
To hide!

FZ: You know, a lot of people don't bother about their friends in the vegetable kingdom. They think, "What can I say? What can a person like myself say unto a vegetable?"
Howard: And right they are.
FZ: But the answer is simple, my friends.
Howard: What is it?
FZ: Just call, and tell 'em how you feel . . . about muffins!
Mark & Howard: Yeah!
FZ: Pumpkins!
Mark & Howard: Yeah!
FZ: Wax paper!
Mark & Howard: Yeah!
FZ: Caledonias, mahoganies and elbows, and green things in general, and soon, a new rapport! You and all your new little green and yellow buddies, grooving together! Maintaining your coolness together! Worshipping together in the church of your choice! Only in America!

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of . . .

God bless America
Land that I . . .

Call any vegetable
Call it by name
Call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
That the vegetable will respond to you

What a pumpkin!

Mark: Thank you!
FZ: Thank you. I wanna make a couple of minor adjustments here before we go on to the next song. Just a second.
Mark: You're fired. You're fired . . . Yes, there he is, back there, "Monster Dick," Aynsley Dunbar!

FZ: The name of this song is "A Pound For A Brown." One, two, three, four . . .

 

I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'
Cryin' for Sharleena
Don't you know?
I called up all my baby's friends
'N ask'n um
Where she done went
But nobody 'round here seems to know
Where my Sharleena's been
Where my Sharleena's been

I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'
Cryin' for Sharleena
Can't you see?
I called up all my baby's friends
'N ask'n um
Where she done went
But nobody 'round here seems to know
Where my Sharleena's been
Where my Sharleena's been

Ten long years I've been lovin' her
Ten long years
And I thought deep down in my heart
She was mine
Ten long years I've been lovin' her
Ten long years
I would call her my baby, and now
I'm always cryin'
(I'm cryin' . . .)

I would be so delighted
I would be so delighted
If they would just
Send her on home to me

I would be so delighted
(Sharleena)
I would be so delighted
If they would just
Send her on home to me

Send my baby home to me!
Send my baby home to me!

Why doesn't somebody somewhere
Why don't you send her home, why don't you send Sharleena home
(Send my baby home to)
Why don't you send her home to
Me

FZ: Thank you.

FZ: The name of this song—well, it's three songs actually—is uh, "The Air, Escaping From Your Mouth," "Dog Breath, In The Year Of The Plague," and "You Didn't Try To Call Me."

Mark: Oh, oh, ah ah.

FZ: Oh, and "Mother People" is in there too! Ew . . .

Howard: I thought I blew it.

Mark: This'll be a ladies' choice.

FZ: And you guys in the back just pretend it's "Louie Louie," will you?

The air
Escaping from your mouth
The hair
Escaping from your nose
My heart
Escaping from the scraping
And the shaping
Of the draping
I'm awaking
In a T-shirt
In a Chevy
At the beach
And I'm freezing
And I'm wheezing
And I know
You were only teasing
(Good God!)
I hit you
Then I beat you
Then I told you
That I love you
In my car
In a jar
In my car
In a jar

The air
Escaping from your pits
The hair
Escaping from my teeth
My hands
Are gripping
But they're slipping
And they're dripping
'Cause I'm tripping
I got busted
Coming through customs
With a suitcase
Full of tapes
It was a special
Tape recording
And they grabbed me
While I was boarding
They grabbed me
Then they hit me
Then they told me
They don't like me
And I crashed
In my Nash
We can crash
In my Nash
We can crash
In my (With the) Nash
Look out!
(Good God! This is funk—)

Won't you please
Hear my plea

Primer mi carucha (Chevy '39)
Going to El Monte Legion Stadium
Pick up on my weesa (she is so divine)
Helps me stealing hub caps
Wasted all the time

Fuzzy Dice
Bongos in the back
My ship of love
Is ready to attack

Buy me a carucha (Chevy '39)
Going to El Monte Legion Stadium
Pick up on my weesa (she is so divine)
Helps me stealing hub caps
Wasted all the time

Fuzzy Dice
Bongos in the back
My ship of love
Is ready to attack
Won't you please hear my plea
Won't you please hear my plea
Won't you please hear my plea

We are the other people
We are the other people
We are the other people
You're the other people too
Found a way to get to you

Do you think that I'm crazy?
Out of my mind?
Do you think that I creep in the night
And sleep in a phone booth?

Lemme take a minute and tell you my plan
Lemme take a minute and tell who I am
If it doesn't show
Think you better know
I'm another person

Do you think that my pants are too tight?
Do you think that I'm creepy?
Better look around before you say you don't care
Shut your fuckin' mouth about the length of my hair
How would you survive
If you were alive
Shitty little person?

We are the other people
We are the other people
We are the other people
You're the other people too
Found a way to get to you

We are the other people
We are the other people
We are the other people
You're the other people too
Found a way to get to you

Do you think that I love you
Stupid and blind?
Do you think that I dream through the night
Of holding you near me?

You didn't try to call me
Why didn't you try?
I'm so lonely
(I'm so lonely)
(FZ: He's so lonely)
And you
I need you so bad
You're the one, babe

Tell me, tell me
Who's loving you now
'Cause it worries my mind
And I can't sleep at all
I stayed home on Friday
Just to wait for your call

And you didn't try
You didn't try
You didn't try
You didn't try to call me
Why didn't you try?
I'm so lonely
(I'm so lonely)
No matter who I take home
I keep calling your name
And you
I need you so bad
You're the one, babe

Tell me, tell me
Who's loving you now
'Cause it worries my mind
And I can't sleep at all
I stayed home on Friday
Just to wait for your call

I can't say what's wrong or what's right
(No!)
All you've gotta do is call me, babe

You make me feel so excited, girl
I've got so hung up on you
From the moment that we met
That no matter how I try
I can't keep the tears
From running down my face
I'm all alone in my place

You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me

 

 

FZ: Thank you . . . All right. We— Thank you . . .

FZ: We've had a request for "Trouble Every Day." Now—

Guy From The Audience: Suzy Creamcheese!

Crowd: Yeah! Yeah!

Guy From The Audience: [...] Hot Rats!

Another Guy From The Audience: Burnt Weeny Sandwich!

FZ: Silence, fools . . . Eat it yourself. With mustard on it. Now listen, we got this song here called "Trouble Every Day," which is about a riot that happened in Watts, California, a few years ago, and has been repeated to death throughout the United States since that time, and, we haven't performed the song for a long time. It's not very well rehearsed but [...]. It's in E.

Guy From The Audience: Zappa!

Well I'm about to get sick
From watchin' my TV
Been checkin' out the news
Until my eyeballs fail to see
I mean to say that every day
Is just another rotten mess
And when it's gonna change, my friend
Is anybody's guess

So I'm watchin' and I'm waitin'
Hopin' for the best
Even think I'll go to prayin'
Every time I hear 'em sayin'
That there's no way to delay
That trouble comin' every day
No way to delay
That trouble comin' every day

Wednesday I watched the riot
I seen the cops out on the street
Watched 'em throwin' rocks and stuff
And chokin' in the heat
Listened to reports
About the whisky passin' 'round
I've seen the smoke and fire
And the market burnin' down
Watched while everybody
On his street would take a turn
To stomp and smash and bash and crash
And slash and bust and burn

And I'm watchin' and I'm waitin'
Hopin' for the best
Even think I'll go to prayin'
Every time I hear 'em sayin'
That there's no way to delay
That trouble comin' every day
No way to delay
That trouble comin' every day

FZ: Bring the band on down behind me, boys . . .

Howard: Right on, Frank, right on!

FZ: And modulate to the key of D . . .

FZ: We're gonna begin a series of musical episodes which might be classified as "Rated X." And I just wanted to let you in on this in front of it, see, so you were all informed. This is not pornographic. This is not obscene. It is not smutty. It's not dirty. But—

Mark: You'll get your rocks off.

FZ: It's got some words in it— Well, it talks about certain body functions and it discusses certain elements of the process of touring on the road with a rock & roll band which perhaps an immature audience might uh, you know, you might have to grow up or something. So if there is some people in this audience who feel at this time in light of this reasonably explicit warning that this material will offend them, would they please leave right away? We don't want anybody complaining about what goes on now.

Mark: Will our road manager please leave?

Guy In The Audience: Nobody's leaving.

Girl In The Audience: We're all here!

FZ: We'll begin with a song called "What The Road Ladies Do To You." This is a story about what happens when you go out on the road and you get some hot nooky, and then a few days later you get a surprise when you go to the toilet. Makes your pee-pee hurt. And uh, we ain't going for that. Are you ready, George? Right, hit it!

Don't it ever get lonesome?
Don't it ever get sad when you go out on the road?
Don't it ever get lonesome?
Don't it ever get sad when you go out on a thirty day tour?
You got nothing but groupies and promoters to love you
And a pile of laundry by the hotel door

Don't it ever get lonesome?
Don't it ever give a young man the blues?
Don't it ever get lonesome?
Don't it ever make a young man wanna go back home?
When the P.A. system eats it
And the band plays some of the most terriblest shit you've ever known

Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you better get a
Shot from the doctor?
What the Road Ladies do to you!

I know someday I will never
I ain't gonna go out on the road again
I know someday I will never
I ain't gonna roam the countryside
No more
I'm gonna hang up them ol' Holiday Inns, yeah
And heal my knees up
From when I was doin' it on the floor
See me doing it
See me do it on the floor, right now

Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you better get a
Shot from the doctor?
What the Road Ladies do to you!

FZ: Now wait a minute . . .

FZ: In this— In this next section—this is all a continuous piece, this is from the quasi-opera 200 Motels, which deals with the life of the rock & roll musician on the road, and especially dealing with the Holiday Inn motel chain. You have to imagine that at this point each one of us is in his own motel room, and we're getting ready to go out and score some nooky in this town that we just got into, 'cause you know that when you're in the rock & roll business, that getting paid for what you do is minute compared to getting nooky for what you do when you go on the road, so—

Howard: Right on!

FZ: No, no, no, I'm not going that far, that's your job. So here's the deal. When you're in a band and you get to town like the day before you're supposed to play, the first thing you do is go dashing off to wherever somebody tells you is the hot spot in town and you try and round up somebody to flip your leg over and do gyrations back at the hotel. So, this sequence here—the members of our jolly band are in the motel getting ready to go out. A little organ vamp in the background.

Howard: Shit.

FZ: Another night at the Holiday Inn.

Howard: I can't stand it.

Mark: If I would have gone to the club last night with Frank, I would've been recognized.

Howard: I sure wish I could've gotten laid last night.

Mark: And I was not laid.

Howard: Now that's the time to get laid.

Mark: Aynsley always gets laid.

Howard: I wonder whether [...].

Mark: Our drummer [...] always gets laid.

Howard: Aynsley ripped off my chick. He ripped off Mark's chick

Mark: He rips off everybody's chick.

Howard: He ripped off Frank's chick. I can't believe [...].

FZ: Aynsley borrowed my vibrator.

Mark: Tonight I'm gonna try a new approach.

Howard: I'm gonna put on a cape here with fringes on it. I'm gonna put on my my new tight jeans.

Mark: Besides my sexy [...].

Howard: Here we go. Here's a little jar of golden tinsel glitter. Golden glitter. Three Dog Night uses this. Ooh!

Mark: I think I'll try this.

Howard: Sprinkles it on his face. Has no— Gets him every time. He gets laid a whole lot, man.

Howard: I don't know, man. What do you think?

Mark: It has worked for others.

All: Perhaps it will work for me.

What will this morning
Bring me this evening?
What will this morning
Bring me this evening?
Some local hot action
Before we are leaving

Go to the club or the bar
Or wherever the pussy is found
In the town your band been
Booked to play in
It's always a little bit harder
To score if it's just your first time
In a town you never hit before

If you played in it once
And got laid
You've got it made
Oh, got it made, oh!
If it's just your first time
Then you know it's no fun
To go back to a plastic hotel all alone

Go to the club or the bar
Go to the club or the bar
Go to the club or the bar
Or wherever the pussy is found

Mark: A partial list of clubs and bars to go get laid while you're on the road!

Mark & Howard: Nobody's.
Jeff: New York City.
Mark & Howard: Paradisio.
Jeff: Amsterdam, Netherlands.
Mark & Howard: The Can-Can Club.
Jeff: Vienna . . . San Antonio, Tejas . . . Spokane, Washington.
Mark & Howard: The Whisky à Go-Go.
?: City of The Angels.
Jeff: City of The Angels.
Mark & Howard: Max's Kansas City.
Jeff: New York City.

Howard:
What's a girl like you
Doin' in a place like this?

Mark:
I left my place after midnight
And I came to this club
Me and my partner, we came here
Looking for love

Howard:
You came to the right place
This is it
This is the swingin'-est place in Spokane, Washington

Group:
No shit!

Mark:
How true that is

Howard:
How true indeed

Mark:
Oh, my partner and me come here every night
To get the hot romance we need
We like to get it on
Do you like to get it on too?

Howard:
Well, what did you have in mind?

Mark:
Well I get off bein' juked with a baby octopus
Or spewed upon with creamed corn
And my girlfriend Jeff digs it with a hot 7-Up bottle
While somebody's yelling
"Corks & Safeties!
Corks & Safeties!"
Aa-ooh!

Jeff:
I'm getting so hot I could scream

Group:
Corks & Safeties
Corks & Safeties

Jeff:
Oh, hey hey, oh oo-wow!

Group:
Corks & Safeties
Corks & Safeties

Howard:
Waah-oh, you two chicks sound real far out and groovy
Ever been to a Holiday Inn?
Magic Fingers in the bed
Wall-mounted TV screens
Coffee-Host plugged into the bathroom wall
Formica's really keen!
Say!

Group:
What kind of girl
Do you think we are?
What kind of girl
Do you think we are?
Don't call us groupies
That is going too far
We wouldn't ball you
Just because you're a star

FZ:
These girls wouldn't let just anybody
Spew on their vital parts
They want a guy from a group
With a big hit single in the charts!

Howard:
Funny you should mention it
Our new single made the charts this week
With a bullet!
With a bullet!
Just let me put a little more . . .

Aynsley: Had a good night out with a few people.

Mark: And we do everything at half-speed.

FZ: What's the deal, Dick?

Howard: Ha-na-tah, ha-na-tah, ha-na ta-na-na ta-ta-ta-ta.

Dick: What's the deal? Well, as a matter of fact, even last night's statement of non-vulgarity got some people uptight.

FZ: Really? No loyalty oath tonight? Is that the deal?

Dick: Well, the thing is that they all think it was an insult upon them.

FZ: Who?

Dick: The promoters, and stuff like that, you know. It's like an insult upon everybody.

FZ: They're the ones who wrote it in the contract!

Dick: I know it. I'm just telling what happened, man.

FZ: Okay, I got two good loyalty oaths on tape.

Dick: I was thinkin', uh . . .

FZ: Listen! Wanna get an idea how tense it is in Jacksonville?

Some Mother: Yeah.

FZ: We don't even get to do the loyalty oath here.

Some Mother: Why?

Mark: What?!

Dick: They got— They got tense last night about the loyalty oath.

Howard: Oh, no.

Dick: Mainly what it was is because— 'cause when you said, "We won't say penis, we won't say this, we won't say that." And they got, they got worried. And the cat, the cat that ran that truck was standing behind the stage, and he heard that.

George: If you don't say "penis" in there it'll probably be all right.

Howard: Can't say anything.

Mark: Hulk. Hulk.

George: 'Cause "penis" is lewd.

FZ: Look, let's do our— We can do our loyalty oath in here before we go out.

Howard: It won't be the same.

FZ: I got two great ones on tape, so we don't need to do it tonight.

FZ: All right. We have another special thing we have to do before we begin our program.

Mark: Right hands up. Right hands up.

FZ: It's a little problem that we run into every time we play in a socially retarded area . . .

Mark: Right hands up. Take the pledge.

FZ: Basically what it amounts to is this—Some people have the wrong idea about what our musical ensemble is all about, you know, they have these crazed fantasies about what we're gonna do when we get on stage, you see? And Florida being the great place that it is . . . had quite a few of these fantasies and, you know, they're disturbing enough that some promoters and uh, important people down here deemed it necessary to put special clauses into our contracts that would preclude anything that would fall under the classification of obscenity or weirdness on stage, so to prove that our heart is in the right place we're gonna take a loyalty oath now on stage, swear before you. Everybody in the band, raise your right hand! . . . I hereby, no— "I," then you say your name . . .

I
(I, Mark Volman)
Do hereby solemnly swear
(Do hereby solemnly swear)
In accordance with the laws of the great state of Florida
(In accordance with the laws of the great state of Florida)
And the demands of rednecks everywhere
(And the demands of rednecks everywhere)
Do hereby solemnly
(Do hereby solemnly)
Agree
(Agree)
Under no circumstances whatsoever
(Under no circumstances whatsoever)
Outside of a private showing in a hotel someplace
(Outside . . . Call me later!)
I hereby swear I will not whip out my tool
(Tool)
Bulge
(Bulge)
Rod
(Rod)
Throbber
(Throbber)
Penis
(Penis)
Or any other name that you wanna call
(Or any other name . . . Right on!)
[...] that piece of meat that hangs between your legs
(Right)
Here in Florida or any other place
(Yeah!)
In the rock & roll industry
(Yeah!)
So help me God
(So help me God)
Jim Morrison
Richard Nixon
(Thank you!)
As we . . .
(Take it over!)

Have gun—will travel, reads the card of a man
A soldier of fortune in a savage land

Mark (Narrator): As we join Paladin and his good friend Hey Boy in a plush San Francisco lobby, we find Hey Boy stimulated and running down the stairs of a plush hotel, running up to Paladin, and saying:

Jeff (Hey Boy): Hey, Paladin, what you want? You want pineapple chicken? You want almond duck? Barbecued pork? Sesame seed pork? Sony tape recorder, Toyota Land Cruiser, little bird house? What you want?

Howard (Paladin): No, Hey Boy. Just get a room for me and my . . . sister. And if anybody asks where I am, tell them this . . .

Jeff (Hey Boy): Paladin, you gonna gesture hypnotically!

Mark (Narrator): And Paladin does gesture hypnotically to bring forth the ill fated card of love, danger and suspicion!

Hant hant, hant hant
Hant hant, hant hant
Hant hant hant
Hant hant hant
Peeeeeeee

FZ: Now we have to tune up . . . I'd like to dedicate this show to Duane Allman . . .

Mark: I tell you, that Frank Zappa is some sort of genius there. You'd be better off on your own.

 

FZ: Ladies and gentlemen, The Sanzini Brothers!

Howard: Ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous Sanzini Brothers have worked for four years on this act. It was passed down by the immortal Gustav Sanzini, who was born in 1812. Now we've studied, we've worked, we've stayed up nights, we've beat off instead of getting ginch at the local club—I can't even believe it, the sacrifices we've made, ladies and gentlemen, but here it is! For you turkeys in Beloit, the Sanzinis proudly present the amazing, the fantastic, the engrossing Pyramid Act!

FZ: Takes a lot of concentration there.

Howard: The Sanzini Brothers!

 

FZ: The name of this song is "Would You Go All The Way For The USA?" A rhetorical question . . . Ready? Make it real bodacious for them . . . One, two, three, four . . .

Remember Eddie and Jo?
The night you went to the show?
(A monster movie)
Clutchin' at yer hand
(Wait ten seconds)
Clutchin' at yer arm
(Wait ten seconds)
Clutchin' at yer elbow
Where did your brassiere go?
When the monster came out
Everybody shout
People all around you
Screamin' at the monster
The Monster From The U.S.O.

Who's this dude with his hair straight back?
His new white socks, 'n his pants all black
His T-shirt's rolled
His watch is gold
A '55 Chevy that his brother just stoled
With his arm's around yer waist
An' his hand is in yer pants
An' he asks you for a date
To the servicemen's dance

Suppose you don't wanna?
What can you do?
When a joker like that
Got his hands on you
Oh, baby!
T-T-T-Tell me baby
Would you go all the way
For the U.S.O.?
Would you go all the way
For the U.S.A.?
Would you go all the way
For the U.S.O.?
Lift up your dress, if the answer is "no"

Would you go all the way
For the U.S.A.?
Would you go all the way
For the U.S.A.?
Would you go all the way
For the U.S.A.?
Would you go all the way?
Would you go all the way?

Would you go all the way
For the U.S.A.?
Would you go all the way
For the U.S.A.?
Would you go all the way
For the U.S.A.?
Would you go all the way?
Go all the way?
Go all the way?
Go all the way?

FZ: Thank you . . . Like to do another new song for you. This one is called "Easy Meat" . . . Can you feel the hurricane? I think we're probably the only people who are getting it.

Mark: What's the opening—opening note, maybe?

Howard: What's the opening.

Mark: Thanks, Frank.

This girl is easy meat
I seen her on the street
A see-through blouse an' a tiny little dress
Her manner indiscreet
She's such
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy
Easy, easy
Easy meat
Easy meat
Easy meat
Easy meat

She wanna take me home
Make me sweat and moan
Rub my head and beat me off
With a copy of Rollin' Stone
She's such
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy
Easy, easy
Easy meat
Easy meat
Easy meat
Easy meat

I told her I was late
I had another date
I can't get off with Rollin' Stone
But the robots think it's great
And I'm
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy
Easy, easy
Easy, easy . . .
Easy, easy . . .
She's such easy meat

FZ: Thank you.

Mark: Thank you very much.

Howard: Don't you wanna check his ID.

Mark: Please do!

Howard: Hey, I wanted to ask you a question, Frank.

FZ: Yes?

Mark: Where's his ID?

Howard: In relationship to a past album. Something that I was curious about, and that is in Lumpy Gravy, that wonderful dialog, the closet dialog, you know? It's cold and, you know, all that stuff. I wanted to know who did it. Who were the people involved.

FZ: On which one? Side One or Side Two?

Howard: Side— Side One.

FZ: You mean the guys or the girls?

Howard: Everybody.

FZ: There's three girls. One of them was the wife of the guy who owned the studio, two chicks that just happened to be there, another guy who worked in the studio, and another guy who just drifted in.

Howard: It wasn't rehearsed, right? It's really— It really sounds like exceptional repertory.

FZ: Yeah.

Howard: It worked, man. You did good.

FZ: See, what happened was it was— They recorded about an hour and a half worth of stuff for that one dialog. And I just cut it all up and put it back together to make it say that.

Mark: ". . . could have had a talk . . ."

Howard: Oh. I was gonna say it, it sounded a little—

Mark: That's what you do with all the stuff, isn't it? I mean, like, you could never use it in really straight context.

FZ: You could, but it'd be dull.

Mark: Yeah.

Voice From The Audience: Turn it down!

FZ: What?

Voice From The Audience: Turn it down!

Another Voice From The Audience: Turn it up!

FZ: Turn it down? Is it too loud?

The Rest Of The Audience: No . . .

FZ: How many say yes?

Voice From The Audience: Yeah!

FZ: How many say no?

The Rest Of The Audience: NO!

Voice From The Audience: Turn the [...] down.

FZ: How are you guys tonight?

John: Pretty good.

FZ: What's your name?

Paul: Paul.

FZ: Hi, Paul, how'd you do? I'm Frank.

Paul: Hi.

FZ: Hi, John, how are you?

John: Great. Uh, what are— Where'd you entertain?

FZ: We just played over at the Symphony Hall.

John: I figured you did and, uh, I seen both— two fellas in the night to top the end. They were great. And uh, I figured they were entertainers so I asked the maitre d', I says, "Who're those guys?" I said, "He's got his hair out wild," I said, "It's real cool." He said, "Don't you follow? It's entertainment." Evidently, they were there last night too, yeah.

FZ: The guy you're trying to remember his name is Tiny Tim.

John: Tiny Tim, yeah, right.

FZ: Bye bye.

John: You look like him!

FZ: Yeah? I'm not!

 

 

Jeff: And now, from high atop the Mayor Daley Inn in downtown Beloit, Wisconsin, it's the Minsky's Clam from Chicago, Illinois, and the greater lakes of New York. We bring you El Porko The Magnificent, along with Birdman Fitzgerald, his assistant, in their most death-defying trick before going over the falls in a McDonald's Ronald cup, the famous Sword Trick! Ho!

FZ: Dominus vobiscum. Et cum spiritu tuo. Agnus dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, hallowed be thy . . .

 

 

 

FZ: Are you ready for Star Time, ladies and gentlemen?

Howard: Star Time, ladies and gentlemen!

FZ: Ladies and gentlemen . . . Oh, fuck off, you idiot. You know, I get so tired of people that say that kind of stuff in the audience. "Why don't you say something really smart, like, 'Play 'Louie Louie''?" It's Star Time, kids! Don't you recognize Dr. John, live in person here?

The Mothers: Yeah!

FZ: He's heavy business. He came down here to do his thing for you.

Howard: Do it, Dr. John, do it!

?: Hit it, brother!

Jeff (Dr. John):
They call me Dr. John
The Night Tripper
I've got my satchel of gris-gris in my hand
I go lumpy patigo
Way down the bayou
I'm the last of the best, I'm known as the gris-gris man
And my girl say . . .

Group:
Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya

Jeff (Dr. John):
Oh, I don't need no Fender amplifier

Group:
Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya

Jeff (Dr. John):
And my band be cookin'!

FZ: Ha ha ha . . .

Group:
Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya

Jeff (Dr. John):
And my girl know how to tear me apart!

Group:
Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya

Jeff:
Just like a big rock show, everybody sing along!

Group:
Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya
Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya . . .

FZ:
Sing along, kids
Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya!

Jeff: I don't need no Fender amplifier.

Group:
Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya!

Jeff (Dr. John): And my girl know how to [...]

Group:
Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya
Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya . . .

Group:
Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya . . .

Jeff (Dr. John):
I want some baby to hone my tool and squeeze—

Group:
Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya . . .

Jeff (Dr. John):
Or else I'll take my life and leave this note

Group:

Rance
Muhammitz

Rance
Crady
Oh
Frammin

Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya

Mark: Suss it out, wankers!

Howard: Oh, suss it out, wankers!

Jeff (Dr. John):
I want some baby
To hone my tool
And squeeze it, yeah!

Group:
Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya

Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya . . .

Have gun—will travel, reads the card of a man
A soldier of fortune in a savage land

Mark (Narrator): As we join Paladin and his good friend Hey Boy in a plush San Francisco hotel, we find Hey Boy stimulated and running down the stairs to greet his compadre of lust and perversion.

Jeff (Hey Boy): Hey, Paladin, you been drinking six-pack Schlitz for two weeks. What you want, pineapple chicken, almond duck, portable Sony tape recorder, barbecued pork, sesame seed pork, Toyota Land Cruiser, Kawasaki, Honda, what you want?

Jeff (Dr. John): Hey, I want some baby to hold my tool and squeeze it after the show, brother.

Howard (Paladin): No, Hey Boy! You creepy little fag eunuch.

Jeff (Hey Boy): What? You call Hey Boy homosexual?

Howard (Paladin): Just reserve a room in this plush San Francisco hotel for me and my . . . sister.

Jeff (Hey Boy): Have Paladin commit incest?

Howard (Paladin): You know it, you little turd. And if anybody asks, if anybody asks where I am, tell them this . . .

Jeff (Hey Boy): Oh, Paladin, you gesture hypnotically . . .

Mark (Narrator): And Paladin does gesture hypnotically as he reaches into his pocket to bring forth the card of lust, danger, romance, and adventure!

Hant hant, hant hant
Hant hant, hant hant
Hant hant hant
Hant hant hant
Peeeeeeee

FZ: Good night, boys and girls!

Mark: Thank you very much!

FZ: Thank you!