Playground Psychotics

Aynsley: Here comes the gear, lads!
Howard: Dunbar . . .
Jeff: "Here comes the gear, lads"
Howard: I'm telling you man . . .
Jeff: Sounds like the Beatles cartoons.
Howard: Key down.
Aynsley: Just keep your mouth shut, you . . . Curly!
?: Look at those little cars! The race cars.
Mark: It does sound like the Beatle cartoons.
?: Does it?
Mark: "Hey, John Lennon here . . . "
Jeff: "Hey, Wankers, there goes the gear."
Passenger agent: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is your passenger agent. Like to welcome you aboard United's flight 664 to Spokane. We're departing in just a few more minutes. And we'll just be a . . . couple minutes delayed due to loading some extra baggage.
Mark: Could that be ours?
Passenger agent: I'd like to remind you that the, the bags you've carried on today should be stored underneath the seat in front of you . . .
Mark: Howard?
Pilot: During the flight . . .
Howard: Uh, yes, Mark . . .
Mark: Would you like some film?
Howard: I would.
?: Hey, they're gonna take the first class mail on.
Pilot: Hope you have a pleasant trip, and . . . thank you for flying United.

Stewardess: Good night, all.

Ha ha!
Now, the trip . . .
This is great!

Bruce: Bruce Bissell . . .
FZ: What?
Bruce: From Reprise Records.
FZ: Hi, there, how you doing?
Bruce: How you doing? Nice to see you again.
FZ: Yeah.
Bruce: How's it going?
FZ: Well, it's all right.
Bruce: Good. Hey, we got a neat publicity stunt we'd like to try.
FZ: What's the stunt?
Bruce: We got a garbage truck. We'd like to get some pictures of you and the Mothers on it.
FZ: That's probably one of the most terrible ideas I ever heard in my life! Are we going down there?
Bruce: Yeah!
Mark: You'd love it, you know that?
Bruce: And, uh, we got that newspaper here to cover it and, uh, plus, the front of the chart and stuff.
FZ: The front of the chart . . .
Bruce: Yes, the, uh, FM chart that's put out here in Vancouver, has a distribution of about fifty thousand.
Ian?: What's happening?
FZ: What do you think, Dick?
Dick: What? A photo at the garbage truck?
Bruce: I think it's really gonna be a great idea. I really do.

I think we can do it on the other side and then, uh . . .
"But it won't be lonely for long . . . "
What's the deal?
Howard: Must we stand amidst the scum to get the idea across?
Jeff: "Where are you on this ah long hot summer
Where are you on this ah . . . "

Mark: Are we going in it?
Do you think you could possibly like climb up on the tire and put a foot there?
[...] as much as you can
Yeah, there's a ladder. Yeah.

Jeff: . . . find out where . . .
?: Get some . . .
Mark: All skate. Men only!
Dick: Hunh?
?: So don't . . .
Aynsley: Man, you shou . . . you shoulda brought the fucking [...]
?: Gotta put that sign out in front, man.
Mark: Got to get that sign out in the front.
?: Pack it up beside of the bass player.
Howard: Why?
Aynsley: Because I . . . I'm gonna have to fucking nail this in. It's gonna take about five minutes to nail the thing in every time we go on.
Dick: Well, get a piece . . .
Mark: Can we get it hooked up? Can we put it up? Stand it up? [...]
?: Talk to the kids running [...]
Jeff: We could be an even closer . . .
?: Add some more weirdness.
?: Hey man.
?: Hey, we sparred right here, man.
?: You want these two together?
?: Sparred right there.
?: Well . . .
Mark: Perverse!
George: What's in my [...]
Mark: Let's see, my washboard's in the car. My false breast is in the car.
?: Hey, Bob?
?: Bob.
Aynsley: See, they gotta have two holes here.
?: Bob!
Dick?: Yeah.
Jeff: Where's your pliers?
Ian?: Oh, we got our amps switched. I should be having that amp.
Howard: Put on your costumes.

Mark:
If you do not hear me
You may now walk out
For I am here
And I am talking . . .

Howard: This is neat!
Jeff: Spending a night in the motel
Howard: This is about the neatest Holiday Inn I've seen in days. The rooms are in Foon's name, eh? Look at that, wild coyotes!
FZ: Ha ha ha ha!
Mark: Okay, uh, you guys wanna wait while I go in and check?
FZ: Yeah, you're the straightest-lookin' members here
Howard: Really, why don't you go in and see if you . . .
Mark: Yeah, man, right over there, right behind our car
Howard: Singles!
Mark: They're already set up that way
?: Sure
Howard: Oh. Good.

Howard: Sure, man, and I'll go until two and I'm gonna be in there supporting 'em, in fact I'll sit in with those guys. I'm into it, I'll sing a little "Blue Moon . . . "
Mark: Hey man . . .
Dick: Listen, this is a nice place, man, it's got a beautiful room . . .
Howard: Don't give me that man, it's plastic city, it bites, the guy behind . . .
Dick: Relax and enjoy some of the wo-, wonderments of nature . . .
Howard: No no no no, the guy behind the desk is a werewolf. You can't give me any of that, the chick over there's been dead for twenty minutes. I'm hip to this place, I've seen 'em in my sleep, man
Dick: Hey, listen, I've never seen you this way, man
Howard: No, man, I'm not keyed at all
Dick: You're unpleasant
Howard: I'm not unpleasant! I can't wait to sign the card and check into my little closet. Unpack my leather cape, hang it up on the wall, get out the washboard, put away my nitty books and get into it! I'm gonna go down and cruise in that lounge, man, I'm gonna have . . .
Dick: Watch this, it's right in there, just step right in
Howard: I'm gonna take a look

?: Hello, Frank . . .
Howard: Ooohoowwoh!
Mark: Hey, what is this, man? Is this the Can-Can Room?
Howard: This place waits for us, man
Mark: This place waits us! Is there a piano?
Howard: There's a juke box with a lotta hokie country songs on it. I am coming in here and getting blotto in about ten minutes
Mark: Oh, man, me too!

Howard: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, coming to you direct from high atop the Konrad Adenauer Inn. Just a short forty-five minute rocket flight from where Cape Canaveral meets the Alcan Highway, twenty minutes down Route 66, just a short hop, skip, and a jump from the corner of Sunset and Fifth Avenue. High atop One Fifth Avenue where we're listening to the rancid rhythms of Riles [Mishnist] and his music to make you wanna throw up. Yes, and coming on right after this, ladies and gentlemen, The Five Rancid Fingers of Ben Zedrine and his . . .
Mark: Strings, men, and [j . . . ] . . .
Howard: Psilocybin Cut-ups, yes, ladies and gentlemen, here we go into another . . . thing. No, not into another thing, ladies and gentlemen. I'm glad. That gives me time to say that you're listening to the National Bum-rushing Company and we're all sitting around the table here stewed, ladies and gentlemen.
Aynsley: Right on brother. All together.
Howard: And we're sitting here in Spokane, Washington.
Mark: Right on.
Howard: With "Beyond The Reef."
Mark: The Can-Can Room.
Howard: I hope this is it, because I can't go on filling forever.
Aynsley? Jeff?: Take it.
Howard: Come on in, boys!

Aynsley: Leaving in fifty minutes, Frank.
Howard: Fifteen minutes.
On TV: Goldie Hawn for president?
Howard: And everything . . .

On TV: . . . the future isn't sunny
Mark: Fantastic! The world was meant for you. Hey man, have you been checkin' out that show that's on called "TV . . . "
FZ: No.
Mark: . . . show on . . .
Howard: TV Around The World, a BBC show. The lowest.
Mark: TV Around the World . . . [Carving women] . . .
On TV: . . . how a television program is created.

Dick: (Snorks)
Howard: "Not duke, not queen, but king." You haven't lost your touch, Gnarler, you can snork with the best of 'em.
Mark: This guy said that a couple of guys have broken in the doors and shit.
Howard: Oh, great, a riot! Just like Berlin!
Mark: They broke indoors 'cause there is a hassle about the bread or something, the money.
?: Can I carry your brief?
Mark: No, thanks.
?: No?
Howard: Can I brief your carry?
?: I'll do it.
Howard: Really! Wanna be my wife for an hour?

Howard: Right on! Right on!
(Opening Act: Thank you very much.)
Howard: Right on!
(Opening Act: That's right, don't take me down. Don't do it.)
Howard: Don't do it! Don't take me down! I don't wanna go down no more!

Big John Mazmanian!
Gas Rhonda!
Funny Car!
Sunday!
FZ: Thank you
Aynsley: You're welcome
Howard: Hey, listen!
Mark: My throat . . .
Howard: Send me twelve eight by ten glossies in Monday's mail
?: Fifty bucks a piece
Howard: Fifty bucks a piece? Cheap at twice the price. Call my service
?: Right
Howard: Thanks a lot man, would really . . . A funny door!

Mark: "Hi, friends. Now just be honest about it, friends and neighbors. Did you ever consider the possibility that your penis, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that size of the titties themselves might possibly provide elements of sub-conscious tension?"
Howard: See, the trouble here, Frank, lies in the fact that on that sheet it says "that size," it doesn't say "that the size" therefore it was . . .
FZ: Get a pencil and write in "that the size."
Mark: Could I have a . . .
Howard: Well, I'm sorry.
Mark: " . . . weird, twisted anxieties which could force a person to become a politician, a policeman, a narc, a casket maker . . . "
Jeff?: An usher!
George?: A musician
Mark: "Or in the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone beef-up, become writers of hot books!"
Howard: "I placed my burning phallus between her quivering quim!"
Mark: "A carmelite nun!"
Howard: "She placed my burning phallus between her quivering quim!"
Mark: "Or jockeys! There is no reason why you or your loved one should suffer. Things are bad enough already without the size of your organs adding even more misery to the troubles of the world! If you're a lady with munchkin tits, you can console yourself with this age old line . . . "
FZ: No, "you can con-SOLE yourself."
Mark: "You can console yourself with this age old line from . . . "
Howard: Simmons!
Group: POOO-HHH! POOO-AHH-AHH!
Mark: "And if you're a guy . . . "
Howard: "Anything over a mouthful is wasted!"
Mark: "And if you're a guy and you're ashamed of your dick and somebody hits on you one night in a casual conversation and turns to you and says . . . "
Howard: "Eight inches or less?"
Mark: "You just swivel right back around and look the sonofabitch straight in the eyes, and say . . . "

Howard: You, you there with the hard-on!
FZ: With the hard-on, the little napkin, and the small pocket mirror, would you please rise . . .
Aynsley: That's me.
Mark: Brian Hyland, ladies and gentlemen!
Howard: Sit down, Aynsley! Not you.
?: Shut up!
FZ: Ready?
Mark: Yes.
FZ: Quick! Before these people revert.

 

Group:
Ballen von Zirkon
Und alten Sporthemden, Sporthemden, Sporthemden
Laken von Feuer
Laken von Gummi
Laken von Tränen

FZ: Sheets of tears.

Group:
Ooh ooh ooh awh . . .
Laken von getrocknetem Wasser

FZ: Sheets of drywall and roofing.

Group:
Laken von Drywall und Roofing

FZ: Sheets of large deep-fried rumba.

Group:
Laken von riesigen, tief-gefrorenen Rumba

FZ: A light shines down from Heaven. A dense ecumenical bandana at the right hand of God's big rumba . . . And his voice pronounceth out in sheets of plywood and bales of old sportshirts and this is what he said . . .

FZ:
Beklecker nicht

Howard:
Beklecker nicht

Mark:
Beklecker nicht

Jim:
Beklecker nicht

Group:
Mein Sofa!

FZ: And you know what that means . . .

 

Waitress: Are you having breakfast for lunch?
Howard: I'm having breakfast and he's lunched. I'll tell you what, what can you give me immediately, if not sooner? Nothing hot, nothing . . . So that by the time he's finished eating those hot cakes and those dead things that I will have finished myself
Jeff?: How about an order of sausages?
Waitress: Bacon and eggs? Are you, are you gonna have breakfast?
Dick: No no no no no
Howard: No no
Dick: No no no no no
Howard: He'll never go for that
Aynsley: No no no [...]
Dick: A roll and some orange juice
Jeff: . . . Virginia Graham
Waitress: Orange juice and . . . uh . . . a roll, uh-huh?
Aynsley: One stale roll
Dick: Yeah
FZ: Bread and water
Aynsley: One stale roll
Dick: Bread and water
Waitress: Thank you
Howard: Frank, you really missed it at that club last night. You should have seen what went on, man, if you would have had your tape recorder there, you would have been rolling on the ground, holding your sides. It was the greatest. Everybody was out of it, drinking wine, cheap wine. And then there was this group, this nice tight little group that was playin' and then they did about two numbers, and they said, "Okay, uh, any of you guys wanna come up here?" And of course old Stewed Simmons was the first one to check out the cat's guitar, and so he immediately proceeded to play lead. This chick came out of the audience, man, à la Janis Joplin in a gold lamé, only she was rancid, and she came up there and tried to sing blues changes like Buddy Miles or something, but it just didn't work and she was singing, "Get yourself together . . . You are where it's at . . .," she did it for like . . . forty minutes, man, it was wonderful . . . People were applauding every verse . . .

 

Howard: Aaaah . . . Poor baby! Aaaah . . .
FZ: Oooooh . . . Don't like the Greek food in this neighborhood, eh? Oooooh . . .

FZ: Tell me the truth, what did you eat?
Mark: I ate . . .
FZ: Tell me the truth, what did you eat?
Howard: I had a shish kebab.
FZ: Tell me the truth, what did you eat?
Mark: I was having chicken . . .
FZ: You didn't eat?
Howard: He didn't eat anything.
FZ: What did you eat?
Howard: He drank wine
Ian?: Go-kart
Mark: With, uh, spinach . . .
FZ: What did you eat?
Mark: And boiled potatoes . . .
Jim: I had a roller skate.
Mark: Not just any grease but . . .

Group:
Grease!

Mark/Howard:
The brownness of her body
Makes me sweat inside my crotch
I want so much/bad to kiss her
But she smells of rancid botch/But I smell her rancid botch

Mark: Grease, grease, I tell ya, all I had was grease, it cost me two dollars and thirty five cents, it was nothing but a plate of grease.
Howard: And the wine tasted like . . .

Howard: . . . rubbing alcohol . . .

Bringing in the sheaves
Bringing in the sheaves
We will come rejoicing
Bringing in the sheaves
Whoa!

L.A. in the summer of '69
I went downtown and bought some wine
I wasted my head on three quarts of juice
And now the grapes won't cut me loose
'Cause I'm a wino man
Wino man
Wino man

36, 24, hips about 30
(36, 24, hips about 30)
Seen a fine lady and I started talkin' dirty
(Seen a fine lady and I started talkin' dirty)
She looked at me and raised her thumb
(Thumb, yeah)
And said, "Jam down the road, you funky-ass bum"
(Jam it down, jam it down, funky-ass bum)
That's no way to talk to a lady!
'Cause you're a wino man
Don't you know I am?
Wino man

I, I went to the country
And while I was gone
A roller-headed lady
Caught me weedling on her lawn
I am so ashamed, but I'm a wino man
And I can't help myself
Help me somebody!

I'm a wino man
Wino man
Oh lord!
Wino man

My guitar playing
And my wino career are in a slump
'Cause I find myself now living
In a cardboard refrigerator box down by the Houston dump
And, oh my God, I'm so fuckin' ashamed of myself
(So ashamed of myself)
Every time I go out, I just wanna go WAAAAAAH!

I've been drinkin' all night and my eyes are gettin' red
Well, I crashed in the gutter, got bugs in my head
Bugs in my coat, been scratchin' like a dog
I can't stand water, and I stink like a hog
Give me fi-i-i-i-i-ive bucks and a hot meal
Give me fi-i-i-i-i-ive bucks and a hot meal
Give me fi-i-i-i-i-ive bucks and a hot meal
Give me fi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i . . .
Maybe an old overcoat or two
Maybe an old overcoat or two
Maybe an old overcoat or two
Oh, oh my God, I just love overcoats

I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'
I'm cryin' for Sharleena
Don't you know?
I called up all my baby's friends
'N ask'n um
Where she done went
But nobody 'round here seems to know
Where my Sharleena's been
Where my Sharleena's been

I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'
I'm cryin' for Sharleena
Can't you see?
I called up all my baby's friends
'N ask'n um
Where she done went
(She done went)
Nobody 'round here seems to know
Where my Sharleena's been
Where my Sharleena's been

Ten long years I've been lovin' her
Ten long years
And I thought deep down in my heart
She was mine
Ten long years I've been lovin' her
Ten long years
I would call her my baby, and now
I'm always cryin'
(I'm cryin', yes, I'm cryin')

I would be so delighted
I would be so delighted
If they would just
Send her on home to me

I would be so delighted
I would be so delighted
If they would just
Send her on home to me

Sharleena-leena
Sharleena-leena
Sharleena-leena
Sharleena-leena
I'm cryin'
Well hear me cryin'
Hear me cryin'
(Oh Sharleena!)
Hear me cryin'
(My Sharleena)
Hear me cryin'
(I called up all my baby's friends)
Hear me cryin'
(And ask'n um)
Aaaaah, hear me cryin', babe
(Where Sharleena went)
Hear me cryin'
(But you know that, nobody 'round seems to know)
Sharleena, hear me cryin'
(Where my baby's gone)
(You know I'm cry-cry-cry-cryin')
For Sharleena
(Don't you know I'm cry-cry-cry-cryin')
For Sharleena
You know I'm cryin'
(For Sharleena)
Hear me cryin'
(For Sharleena)
Hear me cryin'
(You know I'm cry-cry-cry-cryin')
For Sharleena
(You know I'm cry-cry-cry-cryin')
Hear me cryin'
Hear me cryin'
For Sharleena
For Sharleena
Sha-la-la-la . . .
Sha-la-la-la . . .
Sha-la-la-la . . .
Sha-la-la-la . . .

Why doesn't somebody somewhere right here at the Rainbow Theater where Melanie ripped it up last night
Why don't you send her home
Why can't you send my ever loving Sharleena home
(Send my baby home to . . . )
Why can't you send her home to . . .

Me!

I
(My oh my oh my)
(Ay ay ay)
Must be free
My
(My oh my oh my)
(My oh my oh my oh my)
Fake I.D.
Freeeeeees me
Gotta do a few things
To make my life complete
(Sure you do!)
Gotta live my life
(Where?)
Out on the street
The difference between us
Is not very far
Cruising for burgers
In daddy's new car
My phony freedom card
Brings to me
Instantly
Ecstasy
Ecstasy
Ecs-ta-sy

Back about a hundred years ago
There wasn't anywhere you could go down here in Georgia
Mississippi
Maryland
Any of your Southern states
Now you got your honkies
And you got your ofays
And you got your soul brothers
Hundred years ago soul brothers sat out in front of their shanties.
Poorer than a [car shack?] they was.
They sat out there with their Hohners, just like we do today.
And they played some soulful songs.
Now give me some of your [handwriting?] in the background, ladies and gentlemen
Deep terminal chronic diphtheria harmonica blues
From Asthma Mark
And the Funk Brothers
Good God!
Good God!
[...]
What is this?
I can't stand it
I can't breathe any more heartache
They just woke [?] me up
They give me my bottle of juice
They give me my Hohner
They give me my straw hat
They give me my blue prison shirt
They sit me down by the scarecrow
And they say,
"Play, boy
You been a-pickin' blueberries all day long
It's about time you really got it on
Now I know all you brothers got rhythm and you got soul
Go on and you play some, I mean
We gotta have one on every block
Just to show how cool we are
[...] on us
We'll sit back and listen to you
We'll bake your brownies at Christmas, boy
We'll take your women back to the shed
We're gonna use you to make mincemeat, boy
And then we're gonna sit down and dig on you
'Cause you play a fine harp
Fine harp, Asthma Mark."
They used to say, "Play that thing Asthma Mark.
Play the harmonica, boy.
Play that thing."
Asthma Mark goes "Ee-yeah!"
They go, "What?"
Asthma Mark goes, "Wee-yeah!"
Wee-yeah!
Wee-yeah!
Carlos Santana, ladies and gentlemen!

Good God!
Don't break that bottle, brother Aynsley
It's all we got

So Asthma Mark would sit on the corner
And he would play his Diphtheria Blues on his Hohner
And people would come from miles around
To see Asthma Mark a-wheezin' and a-playin'
A-playin' and a-wheezin'
And a-spewin'
And a-foamin'
They say,
"We love you, Asthma Mark
And we sing with you The old Diphtheria Blues"

I can't breathe
I can't breathe
My throat's a-sweatin'
My eyes are waterin'
My athlete's foot went south for the winter
Oh, I can't stand it
What's gonna happen to me?
Oh, diphtheria got me down
Oh, San Antonio epidemic now
Oh [...]
Oh Diphtheria Blues
[...] say
Gonna play in this shack
Gonna [...] through
Get bit on the back
[...] some mosquitoes [...]
[...] flies in my face
Gotta get out of here
No-good funky blues
Diphtheria Blues
Got me down
Diphtheria Blues
Got me down
Can't stand it no more
Diphtheria Blues
Just [...]
Blue Cross won't pay
Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues, yeah
Diphtheria Blues, oh
Diphtheria Blues [...]
Can't stand it
Oh no
Oh no
OW!

OW!

HOO-AAHHH!

Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues
Can't stand it
Oh no
Oh no
Diphtheria Blues
Diphtheria Blues
Play that thing, Asthma Mark

Good God!
Good God!
Amen . . .

John: (I'll show you how you're gonna go, so just relax, I'll show you.) Okay?
FZ: Sit down and cool it for a minute so you can hear what we're gonna do!
John: Yeah, this is a song I used to sing when I was in The Cavern in Liverpool. I haven't done it since so . . . Two, three, four . . .

John:

You know I love you, baby, please don't go, well, well
You know I love you, baby, please don't go, well, well
You know I love you, honey child
There's nothing I wouldn't do for you right now
You know I love you, baby, please don't go, well

You know I love you, baby, please don't go
You know I love you, baby, please don't go
You know I love you, honey child
Nothing I wouldn't do for you right now
Y'know I love you, baby, please don't go, well

Howard:
Baby, please don't go!

John:
Zappa!

John (with Mark & Howard):

You know I want you, baby, please don't go, well, well
You know I want you, baby, please don't go
You know I love you, honey child
'There's nothing I wouldn't do for you right now
You know I want, baby, please don't go, well

Well, you know I love you, baby, please don't go, well
You know I love you, baby, please don't go
You know I love you, honey child
There's nothing I wouldn't do for you right now
I know I love you, baby, please don't go, well
Yeah!

Yoko:
Oh, please, don't go!

Yoko:
Please!
Please!

FZ: We'll take turns conducting.
John: Okay.

 

John:
Scum Bag, Scum Bag

John & Group:
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag

Howard:
Gonna put all my possessions in a

John & Group:
Scum Bag

Howard:
Gonna shut my dreadful lemons in a

John & Group:
Scum Bag

Howard:
Gonna put my dirty movies in a

John & Group:
Scum Bag

Howard:
Gonna put my all my records in a

John & Group:
Scum Bag

Howard:
Gonna put my old high school in a

John & Group:
Scum Bag

Howard:
Everybody, everybody got a

John & Group:
Scum Bag

Howard:
Oh, my friend here, baby, he's a

John & Group:
Scum Bag

Howard:
Everybody

John & Group:
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag

Group:
Scum Bag

Howard:
Oh, Yoko's in a

Group:
Scum Bag

Howard:
Everybody, everybody

Group:
Scum Bag

John:
Scum Bag!

Howard:
All God's children gotta

Group:
Scum Bag, Scum Bag

John & Group:
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag

John:
Scum Bag!

Howard:
Oh, Scum Bag!

John:
Scum, Scum, Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag, Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Choo choo, choo choo
Choo choo, choo choo
Scum Bag

Howard:
Scum Bag, Scum Bag

Group:
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag . . .

FZ: Hey, listen! I don't know whether you can tell what the words are to this song, but there's only two of them, and I'd like to have you sing along 'cause it's real easy. Anybody who comes to the Fillmore East can sing the song. The name of the song is "Scum Bag." Okay? And all you gotta do is sing "Scum Bag." Right on, brothers and sisters, let's hear it for the "Scum Bag"!

All:
Scum Bag, Scum Bag

Howard:
Come on, come on, come on

All:
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag
Scum Bag, Scum Bag

John:
Scum Bag, baby, Scum Bag
Scum Bag

Yoko:
Don't worry

John:
Scum Bag, baby!
Scum Bag, baby!

Howard:
Scum Bag, baby!

Yoko:
Don't worry, baby

John:
Scum Bag, baby!

Mark:
Scum Bag, baby

Yoko:
Don't worry, baby

Howard:
Scum Bag to me, baby

John:
Scum Bag

Yoko:
Don't worry, baby

John:
Scum Bag

Howard:
Scum Bag

Yoko:
Don't worry, baby

John:
Scum Bag

Group:
Scum Bag

Yoko:
Don't worry, babe

John:
Scum Bag

Group:
Scum Bag

Yoko:
Don't worry

John:
Scum Bag

Howard:
Scum Bag

Mark:
Do the Scum Bag

John:
Hey, Scum Bag

Group:
Scum Bag

Yoko:
Don't worry

John:
Scum Bag

Group:
Scum Bag

Yoko:
Don't worry

Howard:
Answer now!

John:
Scum Bag

Group:
Scum Bag

John:
Scum Bag, Scum Bag, Scum Bag

Group:
Scum Bag

John:
Scum Bag

Group:
Scum Bag

John:
Scum Bag . . .

Group:
Scum Bag . . .

John:
Scum Bag . . .

Group:
Scum Bag . . .

John:
Scum Bag . . . Scum . . . Bag . . .

Group:
Scum . . . Bag . . .

John:
Scum . . . Bag . . .

Howard:
Scum Bag . . . Scum Bag . . .

Yoko:
Don't . . . worry . . .

FZ: Good night, boys and girls!

Yoko:
Don't worry . . .
Don't worry . . .
Don't worry . . .
Yes . . . you . . .

FZ: Good night!
John: Good night, thank you!
Yoko: Thank, thank you.
John: We'd like to thank Frank for having us on here.
Yoko: Yeah, he's great, isn't he? He's the greatest . . .

Mark: That's the kind of guy [...]
Aynsley: When you just stopped it was running on your head.
Howard: Well I had to do an Edward Arnold slow-burn, man, there was nothing else I could do, 'cept play it for all it was worth.
Aynsley: I said the only other thing to do is go get another can of beer and pour it over HIS head . . .
Howard: Well, it was already getting silly, man. I mean, it was remedial as it is, I think . . .
FZ: Ha ha!
Howard: Let's not make it too childish.
Aynsley: [...]
Mark: Every night for a year and a half, man, no matter how sick I was, or how I felt on stage . . .
?: Howie [...]
Mark: He, I used to sing, he used to sing "How is the weather" in "Happy Together" and pour a whole glass of water over my head, man, and he liked it so much that he made it an integral part of the show, the kids loved it, so I just let it keep happening.
Aynsley: He can't stand it, man, that's all . . .
Mark: And you're just a pansy ass, kiss ass little girl . . .
?: Ha ha ha!
Mark: Simmons!
Howard: Beer is another thing, man! I'm fucking soaked!
Mark: They use beer in some shampoos, Howard.
Howard: I don't give a shit, that's all I know it that water would dry up and not stain, and he ruined my shoes, man! I can't believe it.
?: Ohhh!
Mark: Materialist!
Howard: Hey lookit, patent leather!
Mark: Materialistic! Materialistic!
Howard: You're the dude who said . . .
(scuffle)
FZ: Oh oh oh!
Mark: Materialist!
?: Ohhh.
Howard: Don't do it to you, I don't have any beer, man.
Aynsley: Okay.
Mark: "New York's a lonely town."
Howard: I can't even . . . you keep your hands off me you creep
Mark: "And you are the only . . . "
Jeff: You creep, ha ha!
Howard: Stop it, man!

Howard: Oh, still drinks it, man . . . what a man! Gotta prove himself!
Mark: Talk about childish perversions!
Howard: Where's Simmons?
Mark: It don't matter, he's in the, he's gettin' out of it, man. He knows where . . .
Aynsley: He knew what he's got out, man.
Howard: I'll get him, man . . .
Aynsley: Here, take [...]
Howard: Yes, Aynsley, you give me the cue and you let me know when is safe to get him . . .
Aynsley: Ok, man, I don't mind beer poured on my head, when I'm saturated . . . you can pour it on my head, any time.
Howard: I don't wanna pour it on your head, man.
Ian?: What am I waiting for, man?
Aynsley: Just shut up, Georgie.
Mark: There he is, man.
Howard: Fucking creep, I can't even stand it! You, you're so jive I can't even believe it, man!
Mark: For a year and a half he used to pour water over my head.
Howard: Water! It's what . . . I could have stood water!
Jeff: Well, what I'm saying is . . . He did it to me
Howard: A little bit, man . . .
Jeff: A little bit? Feel that! It's still wet, man!
Mark: Well, listen, I mean, look at that
Jeff: Well, listen, man. Hit me. Take me.
Howard: I don't wanna hit you . . .
Jeff: Take me. Take me, I'm yours. Take me away, man.
Howard: It don't mean anything now, man!
Jeff: I heard you ranting and raving you were gonna get me, man.
Howard: What are you saying, man?
Jeff: I was up on the second floor of the stairs, just goin', "Wow, man!" Barber's voice is getting uptight and everybody's eeeeeh!
Howard: What are you talking about, man? Nobody plotted to get you! You lied there on the ground.
Jeff: No, I mean just now!
Howard: You . . . Oh, that!
Jeff: I didn't mean . . . No one plotted get me, no one wants to get me.
Howard: I wanna get you.
Jeff: Now you do.
Howard: I wanna get you . . . I'm gonna get you.
Jeff: Okay . . . get me, man.

Jeff: Put that mike down, Frank, it's obscene
Aynsley: Next time you say anything to me, Howard, I'm gonna [...]
Howard: Give me my little cup of brown sauce and let me dip my meat in it.
Mark: Oh, man.
Jeff: Hundred dollars for a pinto bean. Playground psychotics.
Howard: I slipped my burning phallus in her quivering quim!
Mark: Oh, man.
Jeff: Do you like to offend the other passengers, Underwood? Keep quiet!
Howard: Underwood, the only thing that offends are your green socks! Green velour!
Jeff: Cobwebs . . .
Aynsley: Could you, could you repeat that?
Jeff: . . . of your mind.
Howard: Now, just take your hand off my leg.
Dick?: Take your hand off my leg
Howard: Listen, what is this? Okay, grab my tit, I'll sit still, you pervert. Ah, you're so low.
Jeff: The Andy Devine School of Voice. You are low, Dunbar.
Howard: I just keep . . .
Aynsley: I always keep it low, Jeff, 'cause I'm only after one thing.
Jeff: You are ebbing.
Mark or Howard?: God, you're incredible, man.
Aynsley: Who?
Howard: Haven't any of the chicks you've gone out with seen through you yet?
Aynsley: No, man, they still quite like me.

FZ: What's your name?
Martin Tickman: I'm Martin Tickman
FZ: And what is your position here?
Martin Tickman: Front office manager
FZ: The name of this stablishment is . . . ?
Martin Tickman: This is the Edgewater Inn
FZ: In Seattle, Washington. Can you tell me, uh, how some rock & roll groups have taken advantage of this unique situation?
Martin Tickman: They've taken advantage in different ways, and we do encourage, uh, and advertise that you can fish from your room and we are glad to have our guests fish from 'em
FZ: Do you supply them with fishing equipment?
Martin Tickman: No, but we have a shop in the hotel that does rent the equipment as well as bait
FZ: What sort of bait do they usually use?
Martin Tickman: Uh, it's a preserved minnow of some variety, I don't know exactly what the fish is
FZ: Well, what do they do after they fish from the window?
Martin Tickman: Well, rock & roll bands and other guests as well often catch shark and squid and octopus and usually we, it lands up either in the bath tub or dribbled on the floor on the way to the bath tub
FZ: Mm-mmh . . .
Martin Tickman: But it's not reserved to, uh, to any rock & roll bands, I mean, other guests do it too
FZ: Mm-mmh, but how frequently do you find squids and sharks and octopuses in the bath tubs of the rooms here at the hotel?
Martin Tickman: After almost any good weekend of pretty heavy occupancy, say like over half the house filled
FZ: If you have over the . . .
Martin Tickman: Way, way . . .
FZ: . . . over half house filled you'd find one, say?
Martin Tickman: Yeah, say, one or something like that
FZ: So how often would you say that is each week? Twice a week you'd find a . . . ?
Martin Tickman: Well, I would, I don't know that I would say that it would average to anything like that, you may find on four or five rooms with fish from various places, you know, around. But there's not much you can do with the shark after you've caught him, you know, some of these things are pretty big
FZ: What would you imagine is done with these, uh, sharks after they've been caught before they are left, uh, for you to be cleaned up?
Martin Tickman: Sometimes the guest calls the houseman or housekeeper to haul it away because there's nothing that they can do with it
FZ: Yeah, well. Have you ever heard of any other things that were done with them before they were hauled away?
Martin Tickman: Yes, a lot of, some people like to, uh, perform vivisection on 'em, or something like that. Occasionally you find that little bit of mess . . .
FZ: Yeah
Martin Tickman: I'll say that the, the, the "blood on the carpet" syndrome is rather, eh, rather rare, but it did occasionally happen
FZ: Do you ever find fish blood on the sheets of your beds here?
Martin Tickman: Not identifiable as such, no . . .
FZ: I see. Do you know of any stories about, uh, bizarre sexual activities performed with squid, octopus and mud sharks here in your rooms?
Martin Tickman: No . . . I should think a mud shark would be a little uncomfortable, since their skin is so sandy but, uh, never heard of anyone having it with an octopus

Mark or Howard?: Okay, is it just about time, you guy? What d'you say?
?: It's time for the mass.
Jeff: Uh . . .
Mark: One?
Jeff: Rolling?
Mark: Rolling . . . Frank is rolling.
Howard: Rolling? It's rolling . . . ? One!
?: It's the mass.
Mark: Test two. Test . . . three. Oh, now this is what I call brotherly love.
Howard: Man, she's really hung, man. Now there are tits.
Aynsley: Get your dick in between that [...]
Aaaaah . . .
Howard: No stopping! Oh, I'm telling you . . . There is a chick what am hung.
Jeff?: Oh yes . . .
Mark:And she enjoys every moment of it.
Howard: She wants you, Dick.
Aynsley: She's waiting for your big . . .
Dick: Oh, listen.
Jeff: Bwana?
Howard: She said give me the guy with the throb.
AAH!
Jeff: Oh . . . really?
Howard: Okay, enough.
Jeff: What can you say?
Howard: See you later.
Mark: See, this is what happens when you join a, a rock group, George, and get off that jazz syndrome.
George: Is this like the old [...]
Aynsley: [...] just wanna show us lads what she's got.
Jeff: Oh, man.
Mark: There's no lust in jazz.

Howard: Whoa, that's really great! Botulism on the hoof!
Dick: Don't even look at it, Howard, you're over the deadline.
Jeff: The new fascist ensemble says that you can't have anything to eat, man. You're over the deadline.
Howard: What's that mean?
Dick: I told you to be down here at noon, man. You're five minutes late, so you can't order.
Jeff: Listen, listen . . .
Howard: You . . . told who to be down at noon?
Dick: Frank— These guys ordered like ten minutes ago.
Howard: It's like having Ronald Reagan for a road manager. What can you make me in two minutes . . .
Dick: The deal is that, uh . . .
Howard: . . . besides sick?
Dick: If you help me, uh, expedite matters to the airport, man, you might be able to woof down some kind of scarf out there.
Howard: What do you mean, "Woof down some kind of scarf out there"?
Dick: It means you can stick your fingers in your nose.
Howard: I'm hungry, man.
Dick: Eat a Payday candy bar.
Howard: Listen, how about a little dry cereal? How 'bout a orange juice.
Dick: Never happen, man.
Jeff: Hey, get it on tape that Barber is a doofus, man.

Howard: I think the big problem, Ian, is that you've sort of gotta go "HOO-HAA!" as you do it. You go, HOO-WAAARGH! See?
George?: [...] brown out.
Howard: You're gonna be the king, the spew king, really.
Ian: My larynx . . . disintegrated in two seconds.
Howard: Walterdale.
Aynsley: Oh, God, there's a few people here already.
Howard: There's a lot of people here.
Aynsley: My God.
Howard: They're all twelve years old and pimply.
Aynsley: Are they penetratable?

Howard: We gotta do two shows tonight?
Jeff: Yep. I hope you didn't use up your vital . . . statistics.
Aynsley: I know he should have been doing that.
Howard: I'm doomed. Two shows, man . . .
Aynsley: And there're two shows in Portland, I mean.
Dick: Yeah.
Howard: Couldn't have spared me another twenty minutes sleep, another three hours worth of sleep, could have driven down?
Dick: I cut it to the bare minimum, Howard.
Howard: Yeah, man, you're OD'ing on Preparation H at this very moment.

FZ: Of course we'll send the penguin through the flaming hoop tonight!
Guy In The Audience: "Concentration Moon"!
FZ: Of course we'll play "Concentration Moon" for you! One, two, three, four . . .

I'm losing status at the high school
I used to think that it was my school
I was the king of every school activity
But that's no more, oh mama, what will come of me?

The other night we painted posters
We played some records by The Coasters
A bunch of pom-pom girls looked down their nose at me
They had painted tons of posters, I had painted three
I hear the secret whispers everywhere I go
My school spirit is at an all-time low
Oh, no!

FZ: Of course we'll play "Petrushka"!

I'm losing status at the high school
I used to think that it was my school
Everyone in town knows I'm a handsome football star
I sing and dance and spray my hair and drive a shiny car
I'm friendly and I'm charming, I belong to DeMolay
I'm gonna try like mad to get my status back today

Status back, baby
Status back, baby
Status back, baby
Status back, baby

Howard: Fuckin' guy has flipped out, man! Ought to be locked up!
Jeff: Who, me . . . ?
Howard: Yeah, you too!
Jeff: It was anti-semitic of me to bring it up.
Mark: What, you don't like Jews, man?
Jeff: Let me make it perfectly clear, Volman. I don't mind that you're a Jew. Stay out of my way. Take your Bar Mitzvah, man, and shove it.
Mark: I never had a Bar Mitzvah.
Jeff: You have a yarmulke, man?
Mark: No, I wore one once, though . . .
Jeff: I knew it.
Mark: What's wrong? You don't like 'em, man?
Howard: Probably don't like cowboy hats, either.
Jeff: [...] Just keep it out of my way, man, I don't wanna see that yarmulke on stage ever . . .
Howard: Uh . . . well, I don't know, man, that'd be sorta neat. Not in this group of course, but tomorrow.
?: Right, right.
Jeff: Howard Kaylan World!
Mark: The Yarmulke.
FZ: Ha ha ha!
Jeff: Dear Frank, thanks for paying a hundred twenty three dollars for my meal in Amsterdam.
Mark: . . . which I didn't want anyway.
Howard: I hated!
Jeff: I really enjoyed playing in your little own ensemble.
Howard: For a day or so.
Jeff: Thanks for bringing a little slice of sunshine into my life.
Howard: Thanks for showing me how sh . . . shitty the music business could really be. I thought I knew.
Jeff: Thanks for making me the worst bass player in the world. After six months with the Mothers I figured I've lost everything I ever had.

Concentration Moon
(Over the camp in the valley)
Over the camp in the valley
(Concentration Moon)
Oh, what a Concentration Moon
(I wish I was back in the alley)
Wish I was back in the alley
With all of my friends
Still running free
(Running free!)
Hair growing out
Every hole in me

FZ: That's right, you heard right, hair growing out every hole in me!

American way
How did it start?
Thousands of creeps
Killed in the park
American way
Try and explain
Scab of a nation
Driven insane
Don't cry
Gotta go bye bye
Suddenly: die die
Cop kill a creep!
Pow! Pow! Pow!

FZ: And speaking of creeps, here they are, ladies and gentlemen . . .

FZ: The Sanzini Brothers!
Howard: The Sanzini Brothers!

Mark: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight by special request, we're going to repeat a trick that we performed last night. We hope that you will bear with, if you saw it, we hope that you enjoy it again.
Aynsley: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mark: My brothers Adolf, Rudolph, Pissoff, and Jackoff. The Sanzini Brothers. And we'd like to perform for you tonight the world famous Sodomy Trick!

Howard: Complete silence, please!
FZ: The Sodomy Trick!
Howard?: Quiet.

Mark & Group: Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Ho! Hun! Hey!

Mark: Little Carl.

Mark: "It's a good thing we get paid to do this. I could be in L.A., getting reamed, listening to an Elton John album."
Howard: "Don't even talk about getting reamed. Listen, I've been without female companionship for so long, a career as a Jesuit monk looks inviting, Ian is starting to look good to me."
George: "Must be his green velour socks!"
Jeff: "You just calm down there, Duke.
Mark: "Ever since you left the jazz world to seek fame and fortune in the rock & roll industry . . . "
Jeff: "What do you mean rock & roll? This fucking band doesn't even play rock & roll, it's all that comedy crap!!"
Ian: "If we played any rock & roll we might make some money. I wouldn't mind playing some rock & roll, uh, I like classical music too, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't enjoy playing rock & roll. I mean, it's not very challenging, intellectually, but I wouldn't mind if we did some rock & roll. We could vote on it."
Jeff: "Vote on it? For what? To tell Zappa we want to play some good music instead of this comedy shit . . . ?"
Aynsley: "I wouldn't mind playing some more rock & roll, a bit more commercial, with sort of heavy four part harmony, group vocals and a very heavy beat, that the kids could enjoy. I think we'd definitely make more money that way."
Ian: "Maybe after we finish the movie we could play more rock & roll."
Mark: "Yeah! We could all quit and form other groups and play more rock & roll."
Jeff: "And more blues, extended blues, blues but still down and funky, even though you extended it. George knows what I'm talking about, don't you, George?."
George: "Leave me out of this. I come from the jazz world and I know all about these groups that get formed and disappear, with their extensions waving in the moonlight."
Mark: "You just calm down there, Duke."
Jeff: "Maybe we could all form a group, we could elect a leader . . . Howard . . . we could call it Howard Kaylan World."
Ian: "We wouldn't have to have any leader."
Jeff: "We could just jam a lot."
Aynsley: "But it would have to have a really heavy beat and be really commercial so the kids could enjoy it."
Howard: "I wanna get laid! I am so horny I can't stand it!"
Jeff: "Listen, if you think for a minute anybody likes this comedy music we've been playing you're crazy. That's why you don't get laid, who wants to fuck a comedian! None of these girls can take you seriously."
Mark: "Hang on, you should be careful talking about that kind of stuff."
Jeff: "Why? Does he listen?"
Ian: "He always listens. He's always watching and listening to all the guys in the band. I've been in the band for years and I know, he always listens, believe me."
Jeff: "That's how he gets his material. He listens to us being natural, friendly, humorous and good-natured, then he rips us off, sneaks off into a secret room someplace and boils it in ammonia, and gets it perverted. Then he brings it back to us at a rehearsal and makes us play it."
Ian: "I've been in the group for years and let me tell you that is exactly, that is precisely what he does: He steals all his material."
Mark: "And the stuff he doesn't steal, Murray Roman writes for him. Listen, without us he'd be nothing!"

FZ: Carl Sanzini will now join in on the second verse of "Concentration Moon"!
Howard: Why don't you?

Concentration Moon
Over the camp in the valley
Oh, what a Concentration Moon
I wish I was back in the alley
With all of my friends
Still running free
(FZ: Carl Sanzini, ladies and gentlemen!)
Hair growing out
Every hole in me

FZ: That's right, you heard right. And here's one for little Carl!

American way
Threatened by us
Drag a few creeps
Away in a bus
American way
Prisoner: lock
Smash every creep
In the face with a rock
Don't cry
(No no no no)
Don't cry
(No no no, no no no no no)
Don't cry
(No no no no)
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't shoot, no no no no no
Don't shoot, no no no no no
Don't shoot, no no no no no
Don't shoot, no no no no no
Cop kill a creep!
Rat-tat-tat-tat! Ow!
Cop want a creep!
Ah!
Kill another creep!
Ooh!
Kill the fucking creep!
Ah!

Mama! Mama!
Someone said they made some noise
The cops have shot some girls and boys
You'll sit home and drink all night
They looked too weird, it served them right

Ever take a minute just to show a real emotion
In between the moisture cream and velvet facial lotion?
Ever tell your kids you're glad that they can think?
Ever say you loved 'em? Ever let 'em watch you drink?
Ever wonder why your daughter looked so sad?
(So sad!)
It's such a drag to have to love
(Oh, it's such a drag to have to love!)
A plastic Mom & Dad

Mama! Mama!
Your child was killed in the park today
Shot by the cops as she quietly lay
By the side of the creeps she knew . . .
They killed her too

FZ: Thank you!
Mark: There's lots of dancing in this, you know, it's k— kinda like Off Broadway, way off . . .

Howard: Ready, Marge?
Mark: Photography by Art Laboe.
Howard: Grow, little trees!

FZ: It's spring, the time of the year when all things grow and little buds are sprouting off of them . . .

Mark & Howard:

Billy the Mountain
Billy the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife Ethell
A tree
A tree

Billy was a mountain
Ethell was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

Billy was a mountain
Ethell was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

Billy had two big caves for eyes
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down
And whenever it did
He'd puff out some dust
And hack up a boulder
(Hack!)
Hack up a boulder
(Hack! Hack!)
Hack up a boulder
(Hack! Hack! Hack!)
Hack up a boulder

Mark: Now, one day, a man in a checkered suit drove up in a big Lincoln Continental, and he laid a huge, bulging envelope right at the corner of Billy the Mountain, right where his foot was supposed to be. Now, Billy the Mountain, he couldn't believe it! All those postcards he'd posed for, for over these years, and finally now, at last, his royalties!

Group:
Royalties! Royalties! Royalties!
Royalties! Ro . . .

Mark: Billy the Mountain was rich! His eyeball-caves widened in amazement. His cliff, which was his jaw, it dropped thirty feet! Ooh, a bunch of dust puffed out. Rocks and boulders hacked up (hack! hack! hack! hack hack! hack! hack!), crushing the Lincoln. Now, the man in the checkered suit, well, without his car he went screaming off into the desert at sunset all the way to Rosamond to get a beer and tell everybody there including Ronnie Cook what had happened to his car.

Mark & Howard:

I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hocked up a rock and
It totalled my car

Oh, do you
Know any trucks might
Be bound for the valley?
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No shit!)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar

Mark: By two o'clock, and the bars had already closed down, Billy had already broken the big news to Ethell. With dust and boulders everywhere, Billy, choked with excitement, announced . . .

Jim & Howard:
Ethell, we're going on a vacation!

Mark: Yes! And they were going on a vacation. Oh, and Ethell, Ethell, Ethell . . . Ethell, just like a woman, of course she was delighted. She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her (Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song . . . ). Billy told Ethell they were going to . . . They were going to New York!

Jim & Howard:
Ethell, we're going to . . . New York!

Mark: But first they would stop in Las Vegas!

Group:

It's off to Las Vegas
To check out the lounges
Pull a few handles
Drink a few beers
(Oh, Ethell!)

Ethell, my darling
You know that I love you
I'm glad we could have a
Vacation this year
(Oh, neet-o!)

Glad we could have a
Vacation this year

Mark: They left that night, crunching across the Mojave Desert. Their voices echoing through the canyons of your mind!

Jim & Howard:
Ethell, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?

Mark:
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!

Jim & Howard:
Ah! There's a Howard Johnson's! Wanna eat some clams?

Jim: The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was Edwards Air Force Base.

FZ: And to this very day, Wing Nuts and Data Reduction Clerks alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when Test Stand #1 and the rocket sled itself got lunched by a famous mountain and his small, wooden wife.

Group:

Good bye to Las Vegas
Farewell to the lounges
We pulled a few handles
We drank a few beers
(Chug-a-lug-a-lug!)

Guess that George Putnam
Should be on the air now
With the biggest new story
That has broken this year
(George Putnam!)

Biggest new story
That has broken this year

Mark: Take it away, George!

Jim: Word just in to the KTTV News Service undeniably links this mountain and his wife to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a San Joaquin Valley smut ring! However, we can assure parents in the Southern California area that a recent narcotics crack-down in Torrance, Hawthorne, and Lomita, will provide the secret evidence the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a criminal indictment, and pave the way for stiffer legislation, increased federal aid, and avert a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians throughout the Inland Empire. But it is this reporter's opinion that Ethell is a former communist.

Ian: Within the week . . .

Bob: Jerry Lewis had hosted a Telethon . . .

Mark & Howard:
Wah wah wah, nice lady!

Jim: To raise funds for the injured . . .

Mark & Howard:
Injured

Jim: And homeless . . .

Mark & Howard:
Homeless

Jim, Mark & Howard:
In Denver

FZ: As Billy had just levelled it.

Mark: And a few miles right outside of town, Billy caused a . . .

Mark & Howard:
Oh! My Papa

Mark: In the Earth's crust, right over the secret underground dumps where they keep the . . .

Group:
Pools of old poison gas
And obsolete germ bombs

Mark: Just as a freak tornado cruised through.

Howard:
My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby!

Group:
Ah!

Howard:
My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby!

Group:
Poo-lahh!

Howard:
My baby! My baby!

Mark: Sucking up two thirds of it (Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck!) for untimely dispersal over vast stretches of . . .

Mark & Howard:
The Mid West!

Mark: Now, it was about this time, I think it was right outside of Columbus, Ohio, that Billy got his notice to report for his induction physical. Now, believe me, Ethell said she wasn't gonna let him go!

Howard:
I'm not gonna let you go, Billy!

Mark: And George Putnam, the right-wing creepo fascist pig newscaster from Los Angeles said . . .

Howard: Take it away, George Putnam, the right-wing fascist radical creepo pig newscaster from Los Angeles!

Jim: We now have confirmed reports from an informed Orange County minister, that Ethell is still an active communist, and it's this reporter's opinion that she also practices . . .

Howard:
[...]

Jim: Witchcraft!

FZ: It was about this time that the telephone rang in the secret briefcase belonging to the one mortal man who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save America herself.

Howard:
Now some men say

Mark:
He looked like

Howard:
He looked like Felix Pappalardi

Mark:
Like Felix Pappalardi

Howard:
Still others say

Mark:
Others say

Howard:
Bullshit, man

Mark:
Bullshit, man

Howard:
He was just born

Mark:
He was born

Howard:
Next to the frozen beef pies at Gristedes

Mark:
Frozen beef pies

Howard:
Still others say

Mark:
Others say he was just another

Howard:
Uh-huh, and uh-huh again
He was just a crazy Italian who drove a red car

Mark:
Crazy Italian

Howard:
You see, it was hard to tell

Mark:
But nobody knows

Howard:
Nobody knew for sure

Mark:
For sure

Howard:
He was so

Mark:
So

Howard:
Mysterious, oh yes, he was

Mark:
Mysterious

Mark & Howard:
He was so

Mark:
He was so, he was so

Mark & Howard:

Mysterious
He was so
Mysterious

'Cause when a person gets to be
Such a hero, folks
And marvelous beyond compute
You can never really tell about a guy like that
Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he just smiles a lot
Or if he has a son named Pinocchio
Or what?

FZ: Whether he's really a nice person or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what?

Mark & Howard:
Some men say he could fly
Some men say he could swim
Others say he could sing like Neil Sedaka
All the girls in Flushing
Would be amazed of him

Howard:
Two, three . . .

Mark & Howard:
Amazed of him

Mark:
Time passing.

Group:
Right!

FZ:
January, February
1975, 1986
March 1914

Howard:
So when the phone rang
(Thank you)
In the secret briefcase

Mark: Thank you.

Howard:
A strong masculine hand
With a wristwatch

Mark:
And flexy bracelet

Jim, Mark & Howard:
Grabbed it

Jim:
And answered
In a deep calmly assured voice . . .

Howard: Yes, this is he. What? A mountain? With a tree growing off of his shoulder? You're full of shit, man. What? Wha—? Uh, are you sure? Oh well, all right, let me write this down then. Sort of take a few notes here . . . To New York? Causing untold destruction?

Mark:
My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby! Oh!
My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby! My baby!

Howard: Wanted for draft evasion? Can I, can I fly there immediately and reason with him? An expense account? And per diem, too?

Mark & Howard:
Some men say he could dance

FZ: Yes, he could dance. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the Studebaker Hoch Dancing Lesson & Cosmic Prayer For Guidance, featuring Aynsley Dunbar.

Group:

Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly
Twirly, twirly, twirly, hey!

Right hand from the heart

FZ: Professional!

Group:
Left hand from the heart

FZ: Exquisite!

Group:
Right hand from the heart

FZ: Homunculus!

Group:

Left hand from the left shoulder
To the heart

Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly
Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, hey!

FZ: There were a number of very peculiar rumors circulating about Studebaker Hoch recently. Consider if you will the rumors that have spread that he could write the Lord's Prayer on the head of a pin.

Group:
Some men say he could write the Lord's Prayer
On the head of a
Head of a
Head of a pin

Mark: Three Dog Night! Yeah!

Howard:
Others still maintain the fact

Mark: Good God!

Howard:
He was born next to the frozen beef pies

Mark & Howard:
And that was the main influence on him

Jim: Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife.

Mark: Who ran a modeling school, whereupon she . . . he ran around the back of Gimbels to see if he could find himself some big unused cardboard boxes.

Howard: After which he hit up Gristedes for some Kaiser Broiler Foil, some Aunt Jemima Syrup, and a pair of blunt scissors.

Mark: Yes, and in the parking lot across the street from the One Fifth Avenue Hotel, in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking, he cut out a pair of really, really nice wings, and he covered 'em thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil.

Mark & Group: Thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil.

Jim: Then he took those wings and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into the telephone booth.

Mark: He closed the door! And he pulled down his gray denim bus driver type pants, and he spread even amounts of Aunt Jemima Syrup all over the inside of his legs, right underneath his boxer print shorts. Ha ha ha!

Jim: Soon the booth was filling with flies.

Mark & Howard:
Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!

Jim: He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in.

Mark: Yes! And when each and every one of those little, each and every one of those little cock-suckin' flies had got into his boxer shorts, and was lapping up all that good Aunt Jemima Syrup, he bent over and he put his head between his legs and he said to those little flies in a clear, impressive voice . . .

Mark & Howard:
New York!

Jim, Mark & Howard:
And the booth
And everything
Lifted up
Out of the parking lot
And into the sky!

Group:

Studebaker Hoch
Yeah, yeah
Studebaker Hoch
Stu-de-baker Hoch!

Studebaker Hoch
Yeah, yeah
Studebaker Hoch
Stu-de-baker Hoch!

He's coating his legs
With Aunt Jemima
Syrup up and down

His shorts'll be filled
With flies that will be
Buzzing all around

Mark:
Help me! Help me! Help me!

Group:

Stoodlabaker Hoch
He's really outa sight
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He does it every night
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He treats the flies all right
Stoodlabaker Hoch
That's why they never bite, hey!

Please to New York!
Fly to New York!

He could be a dog
Or a frog
Or a lesbian queen

Fly to New York!

He could be a nark
Or a lady marine

Or he might play dirty
He's over thirty
Getting old?
Say!
I don't know!

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause Ethell is gone
And the mountain she's on

Please to New York!
Fly to New York!

Group:

Fly to New York!

I don't know!

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause Ethell is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cause Ethell is gone
And the mountain she's on

FZ: We join Studebaker Hoch standing on the edge of Billy the Mountain's mouth.

Howard: Billy? I've come to reason with you. Our great country needs you in the Armed Forces. Why, it's all fair and square, the lottery, you know? Your number came up. You can't go on running like this forever.

Mark: Ethell shook her twigs angrily, but Studebaker Hoch, un-ferturbed, continued . . .

Howard: Listen, you (cough, cough) . . .

Group: Listen, you communist son-of-a-bitch! You better get your ass down there for your fuckin' physical, or I'll see to it that you get used for fill dirt in some impending New Jersey marsh reclamation. And your girlfriend here will wind up disguised as a series of brooms, primitive ironing boards, or a dog house. Get the (cough, cough) . . .

Howard: Get the picture?

Mark: Billy just laughed.

Jim & Howard: Ho, ho, ho!

Jim: If they think they're gonna draft me, they're crazy!

FZ: Now you'll remember that Studebaker Hoch was standing on the edge of Billy's mouth, so that when he laughed, he lost his balance and unfortunately fell, screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below!

Group: Aaahhhhhhhh . . .

Howard: That was only one hundred feet, you Carnaby cutie, let's hear another set!

Group: Aaahhhhhhhh . . .

Mark: Which only goes to prove . . .

Group:

A mountain is something
You don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
(Don't fuck around)

Don't fuck with Billy
And don't fuck with Ethell
(You saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies!)

Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!

Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!

Mark:
With
Biddilly

Howard:
Biddilly

Ian?:
Biddilly

Bob?:
Biddilly

Jim:
Biddilly

Group:
Biddilly the Mountin-innnnnnn!
Biddilly the Mountin-innnnnnn!

FZ: Thank you for coming to our concert. Good night.

Howard: "It's him, he's watching us!"
Mark: "You think he heard us?"
Ian: "I've been in the band for years, and . . . you can bet that he heard everything."
Jeff: "Let's go over and pretend to be nice to him."
Howard: "Let's go over and pretend we don't know he's watching."
Mark: "And ripping off all our good material."
Howard: "Hi, man."
Ian: "Hi, Frank."
Mark: "Hi, man."
Jeff: "Hi, Frank."
Aynsley: "Hi, man."
George: "Hi, Frank."
Mark: "Boy, that's a great new comedy song you wrote, that one about the penis and everything, I was laughing a lot while I was learning it."
Howard: "Yeah, Frank, uh, it was a little hard to get into at first, but, uh, once we got the drift . . . "
Jeff: "That's a real great part you got in there for the chorus when they go 'Ran Tan Toon Toon Na Na Hanninn' where I steal the room and everything, I don't mind you ripping it off so long as I get paid . . . "
Mark: "Me too, I don't even care about the part where he goes, 'What can I say about this elixir?' so long as me and Howard and Jeff get credit for special material."

Mark: "There's some bad brown acid going around, Aynsley . . . you can take it with a grain of salt, ha ha ha . . . "
Aynsley: "I didn't mean to upset you, lads . . . I didn't mean to upset you, lads, but the reason my retorts were so snappy is because he's making me do this, I should imagine he's making you do yours too, isn't he?"
Howard: "Get out of here, you creep, you even used to live in his house!"
Aynsley: "See you later, lads."

Mark: "Howard . . . he's right! Ha ha ha!"
Howard: "I know he is. You might as well admit it too, Simmons."
Jeff: "Right . . . it's pathetic. He's making me do this. I can't help myself. Suicide imminent . . . "
Howard: By the time we actually get to doing this, man, it'll just be too real .

Jeff: This is what I joined for. This I don't think is pertinent.
FZ: In other words, you don't wanna be in the movie.
Jeff: Yeah.
FZ: You sure?
Jeff: Mm-hmm.
FZ: Anybody else that doesn't want to be in the movie? . . . Is there anything specific that you don't like about that script?
Jeff: No . . . in fact my part is the best part in the movie, I think . . .
FZ: You've got the biggest part.
Jeff: I didn't know how far this could go.
FZ: And why do you think it went so far?
Jeff: It was probably boiled in ammonia
Howard: I'm curious to know why—like I asked you this morning—why it puts you out so much to do it, man? Unless you're just a little afraid that what you've gotta say is too much what you'd say anyway?
Jeff: It is what I'd say. It's exactly— It's there!
Howard: So you're not even acting, man.
Jeff: It's done now. And I don't—
Howard: Why are you afraid to say it to the people out there when you've been saying it to us for months?
Jeff: I'm not afraid to say it to the people out there, I'm just afraid to be in this band anymore.
Howard: Why?
FZ: The lines that are in this film are based on things I've heard people say for years, all the way back to the very beginning. I don't think anybody should have any objection to saying any of those things, because you're playing yourself.
Jeff: Should I turn this in?
FZ: Sure.