200 Motels 50th Anniversary Edition

Hi, all you people out there watching the movie!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Howard:
Ah! Hold it! Wait a minute!
Stop the music!
Please . . .
Hold it!
Wait a minute!
Ah . . .
What are we singing about?
Mystery roach?
Flipping out!

 

This town
This town
This town we're in is just a
Sealed tuna sandwich with the wrapper glued
We get a few in every tour
I think we played this one before

This town
This town
Is a sealed tuna sandwich
Sealed tuna sandwich
With the wrapper glued
It's by baloney on the rack
It goes for forty cents a whack
It's just a place for us to play
To help us pay
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.

All the people in the sandwich town
Think the place is great!
What if part of it's crumblin' down?
Most of them prob'ly won't be 'round

They'll either be dead
Or move to San Francisco
Where everybody thinks they're heavy business

But it's just a tuna sandwich
From another catering service

 

This town
This town
This town we're in is just a
Sealed tuna sandwich with the wrapper glued
We get a few in every tour
They're always such a fucking bore

I can't wait till we blow this town and work a place with some local hot action!

This town
This town
Is a sealed tuna sandwich
Sealed tuna sandwich
With the wrapper glued
(With the wrapper glued)
It's by baloney on the rack
It goes for forty cents a whack
It's just a rancid little snack
In a plastic pack
From a matron in La Habra with a blown-out crack
Who dies to suck the fringe off of Jimmy Carl Black!

 

Went on the road
For a month touring
What a drag
You've gotta go
Even if you'd rather be at home
Flaked out in Hollywood
Drove to Inglewood and then we dumped
All our shit into the plane at five o' three
What's it gonna be?
Chicken, beef or turkey?
La la la la
Would you like a snack?

JCB:
Hey, who are these dudes?
Are you a boy?
Or a girl?
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha

Chorus:
Or a turkey?
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha

JCB:
What the fuck was that?
Wonder if that son of a bitch can play somethin' I might even like.

Chorus:
Ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha
Ha ha

JCB:
Hey twerp! Play me somethin' I can enjoy!

She painted up her face
She sat before the mirror
She painted up her face
She drew the mirror nearer

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The stare
The stare

The secret stare she would use
If a worthy-looking victim should appear

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

 

 

She chooses all the clothes
She'll wear tonight to dance in
(She dances, she prances, she dances, she prances . . .)
The places that she goes
Are filled with guys from groups
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Waiting for a chance to break her pants in

Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

 

Chorus:
Two Hundred Motels
Two Hundred Motels
Tan-Toon Ran-Tan Na-Na Hanninnn
Two Hundred Motels

Jeff (Howard):
I'm stealing the towels

Jeff (Howard):
What can I say about this elixir?

Ooh, do you like my new car?
Ooh, do you like my new car?

Penis dimension!
Penis dimension?
Penis dimension is worrying me
I can't hardly sleep at night
'Cause of penis dimension

Do you worry?
Do you worry a lot?

No!

Do you worry?
Do you worry and moan?
That the size of your cock
Is not monstrous enough

No!

What will this evening
Bring me this morning
What will this evening
Bring me this morning
Dawn will arrive
Without any warning

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
Will she be outa sight
(Will she be outa sight)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
Will she be outa sight
(Will she be outa sight)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever . . .
(What will I say . . .)

Cough!

Dew
On the newts we got
Newt money due
It's a payment on the rental
For the dewy little newts
We got

We got 'em dewy
Left 'em in the yard all night
Hope they didn't get uptight

The little vixens
The saucy little vixens
I hope they didn't get pissed off

I hope
That they
Did not
Did not
I hope
That they
Did not
Dash off
Into the night!

Blorp!

Tsss-t

Blorp

Theodore Bikel:
This, as you might have guessed, is the end of the movie. The entire cast is assembled here at the Centerville Recreational Facility to bid farewell to you and to express thanks for your attendance at this theater. This might seem old fashioned to some of you, but I'd like to join in on this song. It's the kind of a sentimental song that you get at the end of a movie. It's the kind of a song that people might sing to let you in the audience know that we really like you, we care about you, yeah. Understand how hard it is to laugh these days with all the terrible problems in the world.

Chorus:
Help all the rednecks and the flatfoot policemen
Through the terrible functions they all must perform
God help the winos, the junkies and the weirdos

Soprano:
And every poor soul who's adrift in the storm

Group:
Reach out your hand to the girl in the dog book
The girl in the pig book and the one with the horse
Make sure they keep all those businessmen happy
And the purple-lipped censors and the Germans of course

Group & Chorus:
Help everybody so they all get some action
Some love on the weekend
Some real satisfaction

Group:
A Swedish apparatus with a hood and a bludgeon
With a microwave oven, honey, how do it feel?

Theodore Bikel:
It's been swell having you with us tonight, folks!

Mark:
But don't leave the theater yet 'cause there's still more to come. But before we go on, I want to introduce to you my friend and musical associate, Howard Kaylan, who's going to give us all a final closing benediction . . .

What will this morning
Bring me this evening?
What will this morning
Bring me this evening?
Some local hot action
Before we are leaving

Go to the club or the bar
Or wherever the pussy is found
In the town your band been
Booked to play in
It's always a little bit harder
To score if it's just your first time
In a town you never hit before

Mark: A partial list of clubs and bars to go get laid while you're on the road:

Mark & Howard: Nobody's.
Jeff: New York City.
Mark & Howard: Paradisio.
Jeff: Amsterdam, Netherlands.
Mark & Howard: Club Voom Voom.
Jeff: Vienna, Austria.
Howard: Oh, Vienna in the Spring!
Mark & Howard: The Whisky à Go-Go.
Jeff: City of The Angels.
Mark & Howard: The Navy Club.
Jeff: San Antonio, Tejas.
Mark & Howard: Max's Kansas City.
Jeff: New York City.
Howard: "New York, New York, it's a wonderful town!"

Howard & Mark:
Hold it!

Howard:
What's a girl like you
Doin' in a place like this?

Mark:
I left my place after midnight
I came to the club
Me and my partner came here
Looking for love

Howard:
You came to the right place
This is it
This is the swingin'-est place in Butte, Montana

Group:
No shit!

Mark:
How true that is

Howard:
How true indeed

Mark:
I come here all the time
To get the hot romance I need
We like to get it on
Do you like to get it on too?

Howard:
Well, what did you have in mind?

Mark:
Well I get off bein' juked with a baby octopus
Or spewed upon with creamed corn
And my girlfriend Jeff digs it with a hot 7-Up bottle
While someone's yelling
"Corks & Safeties!
Corks & Safeties!
Corks & Safeties!"
Yeah

Jeff:
That gets me so hot I could scream, yeah

Group:
Corks & Safeties
Corks & Safeties
Ooooh . . .

Jeff:
Oh-ooh-wow! Yeah-hey!

Group:
Corks & Safeties
Corks & Safeties

Howard:
Wow! You two chicks sound real far out and groovy
Ever been to a Holiday Inn?
Magic Fingers in the bed
Wall-mounted TV screen
Coffee-Host plugged into the bathroom wall
Formica's really keen!

Group:
What kind of girl
Do you think we are?
What kind of girl
Do you think we are?
Don't call (I'm not) us groupies
That is going too far
We wouldn't ball you
Just because you're a star

FZ:
These girls wouldn't let just anybody
Spew on their vital parts
They want a guy from a group
With a big hit single in the charts

Howard:
Funny you should mention it
Our new single made the charts this week
With a bullet
With a bullet
Just let me put a little tinsel glitter
On my face right now
And you can show me how
A young girl such as you might be
Thrilled and overwhelmed by me

Mark:
What uh, Holiday Inn are you staying at?

Howard:
Wanna split right away?

Mark:
Not so fast, you silly boy, heh heh
There's one more thing to say

Group:
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in/on the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing on/in the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
And if his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
We will give him our hearts!

Howard:
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
Stop the music
Why didn't you say so before?

Howard:

I got the thing you need
I am endowed beyond your wildest
Clearasil-spattered fantasies

Girls from all over the world
Flock to write my name on the toilet walls
Of the Whisky à Go-Go
For I am Bwana Dik
I am Bwana Dik
Me Bwana Dik
Him Bwana Dik

My dick is a monster
Give me your heart

Mark:
Bwana Dik is a legend
Enormous thou art

Howard:
My dick is a Harley
You kick it to start

Mark:
Bwana Dik speaks
The heavens will part

Howard:
My dick is a dagger
I'll force it to fit
My dick is a reamer
To steam up your slit

Group:
Steam it!
Steam it!
Ream it!
Cream it!

Howard:
You can hear the steam
You can hear the screaming steam
As the reamer steams up the lake
To the snake
In the black velvet crystal
Steaming hot black
Screaming iridescent
Screaming naugahyde python
Steam roller

Group:

Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!

Hear the steam
Feel the steam
See the steam
Heal the steaming/screaming
Hot black steaming
Naugahyde iridescent
Steaming python
Steam roller

All groupies must bow down
In the sacred presence
Of the Latex Solar Beef

The steam is coming out
The steam is coming out
The steam is coming, coming, coming
Steaming
Reaming
Creaming
Screaming!
The steam is screaming!

Jeff?:
Listen! The steam is whistling

She's such a dignified lady
She's so pretty and soft
You can't call her a groupie
It just pisses her off

She got diamonds and jewelry
She got lotsa new clothes
She ain't hurtin' for money
So that everyone knows

That she knows what she wants
She knows what she likes
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out
She's got her eyes on you

She left her place after midnight
And she drove to the club
You know that her and her partner
Came here lookin' for love
They want a guy from a group
That got a thing in the charts
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
They will give him their hearts

'Cause they know what they want
And they know what they got
And daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out
They got their eyes on you

Now they spotted George Duke
At the end of the bar
They go up and say, "Hi!"
And ask if he has a car
He says he don't
They say they do
They say, "Let's get it on!"
'Bout a half of a minute
And you know they are gone

'Cause he got what they want
Knows what they like
And daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
All right
You got 'em screamin' all night
Screamin' all night

Say! One more! One more!

Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
All right
You got 'em screamin' all night
You got 'em screamin' all night
You got 'em screamin' all night

Mark: You like my new car?

Howard: Oh, it's uh, it's real cool. Do you know how to get to the Holiday Inn?

Mark: Which one are you staying at?

Howard: The one by the airport. We gotta get up early and fly out in the morning, you know?

Mark: Where do you play tomorrow night?

Howard: Ah, Minneapolis.

Mark: Oh, you're so professional. The way you travel to all those exotic places. Do you really have a hit single on the charts with a bullet?

Howard: Listen, honey, would I lie to you just to get in your pants?

Mark: Don't talk to me that way! I'm not a groupie! And neither is my girlfriend.

Jeff: No shit, Howie, we just like musicians for friends.

Howard: But . . . But you told me you got off with a, with a, with a baby octopus and some creamed corn spewed on you and your harelipped girlfriend with a hot 7-Up bottle, I mean, really, what's the deal?

Mark: Sure. That's all true. And sometimes I even get off with a Jack-In-The-Box ring job. But we don't want you to think we're groupies.

Howard: But, wait a minute, I want some action. I mean, I want a steaming succulent orifice with a teen-age girl attached to it, I, I thought we were gonna get it on, you know?

Mark: I've been looking for a guy from a group with a dick which is a monster.

Howard: Well, that's me. Well, that's me. Take me, I'm yours. I mean, fulfill my wildest dreams.

Mark: Ah, of course, my precious most seductive pop star of a man. Anything you want.

Howard: Really?

Mark: Bead jobs . . .

Howard: Oh!

Mark: Knotted nylons . . .

Howard: Oh!

Mark: Bamboo canes . . .

Howard: Oh!

Mark: Ice cubes . . .

Howard: Ah . . .

Mark: Mazola Oil . . .

Howard: Oh . . .

Mark: And/or a portable electric pony harness, air cooled. All this and more . . .

Howard: Oh, I'm ready! I'm ready! Give it to me now! Now! Now! Give it to me now right here in the car! Give me the pony harness!

Mark: Only if you'll sing me your hit single with the bullet first.

Howard: What?

Mark: I . . . I have a problem.

Howard: Ah, would you like to talk about it?

Mark: You see I . . . I can't come!

Howard: What?

Mark: I, I, I can't come unless you sing me your hit. And you gotta sing the bullet too!

Howard: The bullet?

Mark: The bullet! The bullet is the part that gets me the hottest.

Howard: Okay, baby, kneel down. Here comes my bullet . . .

Look out!

Mark:
Do you really wanna please me?

Howard:
You know I do

Mark:
Tell me why you do it
I really wanna know

Howard:
It wouldn't be right
For me to tell you tonight

Mark:
You better tell me right away
Or I dress up and go

Howard:
Don't get mad
It ain't no big thing

Mark:
You better tell me right away
Don't treat me cold

Howard: Hold it, hold it, hold it, stop the music, stop the music . . . Well . . .

Aynsley: Ow! That's one, yes.
Phyllis: More?
Aynsley: Well . . . Try this one, try . . . just tapping me, then so . . . landing them every so often . . .
Phyllis: Okay.
Aynsley: Just . . . No. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You gotta . . . to . . . tap . . . like uh, you know, like every so often and . . . every so often you just bring it down, like that, see?
Phyllis: Okay.
Aynsley: Without any, without any break, so that . . . Excuse me . . . yeah . . .
Phyllis: Ah, wait, wait, wait, this . . .
Aynsley: Oh!
Phyllis: Is that . . .? Wait, just a second.
Aynsley: Yep.
Phyllis: Wait, I think I really . . .
Aynsley: Ah! . . . Oh! . . . More! . . . Ah, yeah . . . Come on, come on, tap, tap, tap in between, come on. Ah . . . Ah! . . .
Phyllis: But you . . . Okay, wait a second. Okay. You show on me and then I'll see what it feels like so then I'll know. Okay, you do it to me, 'cause I wanna see what that feels like . . .
Aynsley: Oh, no. No, I'll get carried away.
Phyllis: No, you won't get carried away.
Aynsley: Are you sure?
Phyllis: I'll scream. I won't. I won't let you. I mean, I . . .
Aynsley: You sure . . .
Phyllis: Yeah. No, I, I think maybe it's, it sounds like a good idea maybe.
Aynsley: Well, it might do, yeah. But I was . . .
Phyllis: Okay, see . . .
Aynsley: You know, I'm gonna miss out then, aren't I?
Phyllis: No, 'cause if you show me first then I'll know exactly what to do and then I'll be able to do the right thing to you.
Aynsley: Yeah, true.
Phyllis: Because I really want, you know, I really want to please you.
Aynsley: Oh, that's cool. Okay, then.
Phyllis: Okay. So you try.
Aynsley: Okay, well. Well, perhaps you better lie down first. Ah, that's better. Um, right. Ah . . . Yeah . . . Yeah . . .
Phyllis: Easy.
Aynsley: I'll do it slowly first, right? Then I'll . . .
Phyllis: Ow!
Aynsley: Was that too hard?
Phyllis: A little bi— Well, no, not too bad. It was okay.
Aynsley: Yeah? Okay.
Phyllis: Do the other side though, because . . .
Aynsley: Okay, okay. I'll give you a couple this time.
Phyllis: Okay.

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)

Engineer: Roll 'em in 10.
Mark: Can we get in free?
Howard: Are you kidding? Where haven't you . . .?
Mark: I'll go with you. I'll wear tinsel glitter and we'll go.
FZ: One . . .
Howard: That's neat. It's soul now, Frank. Forget commerciality. Sincerity! Ah, shut up.
FZ: One, two . . . One, two, three, four . . .

Ready?
When?
Look.
Howard: Dunbar, you bite!
You eat.
Howard: Ah, better.
FZ: Are you rolling?
Engineer: Yes. Rolling on A.

Don't it ever get lonesome?
(Yeah! Sure does get lonesome, sure does . . .)
Don't it ever get sad when you go out on the road?
(Sad? Why, I can't even believe it. One night in Cincinnati I . . .)
Don't it ever get lonesome?
(Oh, yeah, brother Frank! Yeah, brother . . .)
Don't it ever get sad when you go out on a thirty day tour?
(Sad ain't the word, honey)
You got nothing but promoters and groupies to love you
And a pile of laundry by the hotel door

Don't it ever get lonesome?
Don't it ever give a young man the blues?
Don't it ever get lonesome?
Don't it ever make a young man wanna go back home?
When the P.A. system eats it
And the band plays some of the most terriblest shit you've ever known

Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you better get a
Shot from the doctor?
What the Road Ladies do to you!

I know someday I will never
I'll never go out on the road again, no
I know someday I will never, no
I ain't gonna roam the countryside
No more
I'm gonna hang up them ol' Holiday Inns
And heal my knees up
From when I was doin' it on the floor
Lord knows I was. Give it to me.

Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you better get a
Shot from the doctor?
What the Road Ladies do to you!

Mark: Yeah, yeah . . .
Howard: Oh . . .
Jeff: ("Navy Club." "Navy Club.")
Mark & Howard: The Navy Club.
Howard: (Ah, okay.)
Mark & Howard: The Navy Club.
Jeff: San Antonio, Tejas.
Mark & Howard: Max's Kansas City.
Jeff: In, in New York City.
Howard: "New York, New York . . ."

Aynsley: I suppose you noticed my Liverpool accent in the last number and realizing that, you must know for sure I'm British. You might ask youself where I go for my nooky in London.
Howard: Where?
Aynsley: Well, I go to a little place where they keep—especially for me—a bottle with my name on it.
FZ: Aynsley Dunbar!
Howard: Aynsley Dunbar!
Mark: Aynsley Dunbar! Aynsley Dunbar!
Aynsley: I thought it would never come—And it's called The Speakeasy!
Howard: Good God! . . . Isn't that George Harrison over there?
Mark: Stephen Stills over there. Hi, Steve, good to see you.
Howard: Graham Nash! . . . Hold it! . . . Hold it . . .

Howard: Are we really gonna do this? I'm sorry, man, I really thought it was gonna stop much short of that. Oh, I guess I blew it.
?: Yeah . . .
Howard: I'm sorry. I didn't think it was gonna get into that. But that's cool.
FZ: Do the . . . Ah, start . . .
Ian?: Yeah, yeah.
FZ: With "Go to the club or the bar."
Howard: Yeah.
FZ: Was the first part of that track okay?
Engineer: Yes.
?: You have some barber?
Mothers: Ha ha ha . . .
Engineer: Musically, it sounded good, yes.
?: Mark wasn't in key, though.
Mark: Yeah, it sounded fine, I hit every note, right?
?: Ha ha . . .
Engineer: Right below Howard.
FZ: Take it from "Go to the club or the bar."
Mark: Okay. "A partial list . . . of clubs and bars . . ."
Howard: "To go get laid . . ."
FZ: [...]
?: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Howard: Yeah, I . . .
Mark: Yeah, okay, sure. "A partial list . . ."
Engineer: Take 7.
FZ: Straight through.
Mark: Straight through. Sure, Frank.
Howard: Okay.
FZ: Rolling?
Mark: One for the—
Engineer: 7.
Mark: Hey, Ian. Attention, Ian.
Howard: Got it.

What . . .

Howard: No . . . Dunbar!
Engineer: 6.

What will this morning
Bring me this evening?
What will this morning
Bring me this evening?
Some local hot action
Before we are leaving

Go to the club or the bar
Or wherever the pussy is found
In the town your band been
Booked to play in
It's always a little bit harder
To score if it's just your first time
In a town you never hit before

If you played in it once
And got laid
You've got it made
Oh, got it made, oh!
If you're there on your own
Then you know it's no fun
To go back to a plastic hotel all alone

Go to the club or the bar
Go to the club or the bar
Go to the club or the bar
Or wherever the pussy is found

Mark: A partial list of clubs and bars to go hit while you're on the road:

Mark & Howard: Nobody's.
Jeff: New York City.
Mark & Howard: Paradisio.
Jeff: Amsterdam, Netherlands.
Mark & Howard: Club Voom Voom.
Jeff: Vienna, Austria.
Howard: Oh, Vienna in the Spring!
Mark & Howard: The Whisky à Go-Go.
Jeff: City of The Angels.
Mark & Howard: The Navy Club.
Jeff: Mi tierra and . . . San Antonio, Tejas.
Mark: Yeah, yeah . . .
Howard: Oh . . .
Jeff: ("Navy Club." "Navy Club.")
Mark & Howard: The Navy Club.
Howard: (Ah, okay.)
Mark & Howard: The Navy Club.
Jeff: San Antonio, Tejas.

Aynsley: I suppose you noticed my Liverpool accent in the last number and realizing that you must know for sure I'm British. You might ask yourself where I go for my nooky in London. Mm-mmh. Well, I go to a little place where they keep—especially for me—a bottle with my name on it.
The Mothers: Aynsley Dunbar, Ladies & Gentlemen!
Aynsley: Thank you, lads, thank you. It's called The Speakeasy!

Howard: Hold it!

Engineer: "Magic Fingers," version B, single, take 1.
Different Engineer: 16.

Mark:
Do you really wanna please me?

Howard:
You know I do

Mark:
Tell me why you do it
I really wanna know

Howard:
Well, it wouldn't be right
For me to tell you tonight

Mark:
Well, tell me right away
Or I'll dress up and go

Howard:
Oh, just don't get mad
It ain't no big thing

Mark:
You better tell me right away
Don't treat me cold

Howard: Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, stop, stop the music again, just wait, hold it, hold it . . . Well . . .

Engineer: Take 4.
Ian? Jeff?: Right. Do you want me to do that line?
Howard: I know but it is, it's just a bit distressing to me, man, 'cause, uh—
FZ: So you wanna skip it?
Howard: No no no! No, don't get me wrong. It's just that, you know, it's weird 'cause I learned it one way, and now it's a whole other way, and you know, where I was confident before, really getting it, you know. Now I gotta reach for a whole new note so I'm not quite so sure of what—
FZ: Well the easiest thing to do then is to change the background, so instead of going . . .

Mark: I don't wanna lose the feel of it.
Engineer: Take 8.

Engineer: Rollin' on 9.

FZ: One, two . . . One, two, three, four . . .

Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Girl . . . girl . . . girl . . .
I love you so hard now, I'm cryin' for you
Don't make me lose my pride
I want to come inside
And grab ahold of you
And grab ahold of you

Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Now . . . now . . . now . . .
I wanna feel it, give me your love now
Don't make me steal it
Don't make me steal it
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me!
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me!

Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Girl . . . girl . . . girl . . .
I love you so hard now, I'm cryin' for you
Burnin' with fire
I gotta hot desire
'Cause I gotta make love with you
'Cause I gotta make love with you, baby
I gotta make love with you
'Cause I gotta make love with you

Tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me
Like I want you to

Interviewer (Pamela):
Wait a minute . . . I've got to verify a rumour I heard. Is it true that in the Autumn of 1968, you and a bunch of other little rock & roll musicians actually held a secret rehearsal with a famous British orchestra in the back room of an exotic Old English pub out on Seven Sisters Road, and there, unbeknownst to the outside world at large did proceed to illicitly manufacture a semi pornographic situation comedy rock & roll stage show based on all the reasons why everybody wants to quit your group . . . whatever you call it?

Howard:
Oh, man, don't even talk about getting reamed . . . I've been without female companionship for so long—Monday for instance.

Jeff (Martin):
You know why you don't get laid . . . nobody wants to fuck a comedian!

 

Interviewer (Soprano):

I don't know too much about your stuff
I've been a little busy
This won't take long
Just a few questions

This won't take long
Just a few questions

This won't take long
Just a few questions
Just a few questions

This won't take long
This won't take long
This won't take long
This won't take long

Don:
Calm down! You're supposed to be calm, you know like, it's gonna work yourself into a frenzy.

JCB:
Would you like to cope?

Motorhead:
I hear birds in here.

JCB:
I want a beer, Motorhead.

Motorhead:
Yeah?

Don:
Here they come.

JCB:
It's about time.

Motorhead:
Frank looks tired. He musta just done an interview.

Rance Muhammitz:
Hello lads. Shall we begin?

Interviewer (Pamela):
I should get their names first for the big story I'm going to write!

Don:
My name is Don Preston, also known as Dom DeWilde or Biff Debris, depending upon the spiritual evolvement of the role I'm supposed to play.

JCB:
I'm Jimmy Carl Black, I'm the Indian of the group.

Interviewer (Pamela):
What group?

JCB:
Oh, forget it.

Motorhead:
I'm Euclid James Motorhead Sherwood. And I came in last in the Baritone Sax category of Down Beat Readers Poll for 1970.

Rance Muhammitz:
Gentlemen. I'm sure you're all aware of the fact that we are in an imaginary town.

Motorhead:
Sure. I could tell right away.

Don:
Right. The vibes . . .

JCB:
What's your name supposed to be?

Rance Muhammitz:
My real name is Theodore Bikel, but for the purposes of the movie you must call me Rance Muhammitz!

Motorhead:
Yeah.

Interviewer:
What sort of beer do you drink, Jimmy Carl Black? (This is good human-interest material for the big story I'm going to write!) Let me rephrase that question: What kind of beer do you drink, Jimmy Carl Black?

JCB:
Any old kind I can get my mouth on, honey, don't make a shit to me!

Rance Muhammitz:
Ah, maybe, may— maybe, maybe just good friends.

Motorhead:
Yes?

Rance Muhammitz:
Now, Mr. Preston! You will be playing a highly evolved and spiritual role, so I guess we'll have to call you Biff Debris for the rest of the movie.

Don:
What am I supposed to do?

Rance Muhammitz:
It says you're my nephew. You are wise because you've travelled the world. Y0u've been to Paris. To London. To Berlin. You uh, know the ropes. You meditate. You practice Yoga. Yo play the synthesizer. You operate a fake light show in this imaginary night club. You will be Motorhead's guru!

Motorhead:
Guru!

Rance Muhammitz:
And what is more, Jimmy Carl Black owes you five dollars!

Don:
I thought I was going to get a chance to act . . . to emote . . . wear a big cape and black hat.

Rance Muhammitz:
Wait a minute. It says here that you get to wear a big cape . . . and a black hat and you can turn into a monster anytime you want to.

Interviewer (Pamela):
The very presence of a monster person in this imaginary town has a definite bearing on the news value of the TV Special they will make from the big story I'm going to write.

Rance Muhammitz:
She's my niece. My niece.

JCB:
I didn't know she was a blood relation. Just till the weekend?

Don:
Wait a minute. It says here I'm supposed to lend you five bucks so you can owe it to me.

JCB:
Thanks, Donnie.

Don:
But, uh . . . Just a minute, will ya? You got any bread?

Motorhead:
You got any bread? SNORK, SNORK.

Motorhead:
He wants to know if you can lend him a coupla bucks till the weekend.

Interviewer (Pamela):
What's he saying?

Motorhead & JCB:
He wants to know if you can lend him a coupla bucks till the weekend.

Interviewer (Pamela):
I have to go now and write the big story I'm going to write.

Motorhead:
Vacuum cleaner!

Interviewer (Pamela):
I'll send you a copy . . .

Don:
Bye.

JCB:
Bye.

Interviewer (Pamela):
You have any idea where you gonna be living in the next six months? Ah!

JCB:
She fuck?

Ah! We-ooh

Mark:
I'd give my soul for a double cheeseburger from a famous American Burger Chain with a symbol in the parking lot that's yellow plastic and goes like this . . .

Howard:
Funny you should mention it, we already did. I said "Rance" and he said "Muhammitz" just a few minutes ago at the beginning of that song.

Rance Muhammitz:
Of course you did, lads. I was sitting across the street in a fake night club with an Indian gentleman when suddenly I felt the need on your behalf to communicate with me. There was a need. Wasn't there? Or you wouldn't have called, would you?

Jeff (Martin):
Well, uh, we didn't actually call you. We just said "Rance" and "Muhammins" a couple times . . .

Mark:
We said "Ruth!" in there a few times, does that count?

All:
Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah!

Rance Muhammitz:
I'm known by many names, and I'm at your service whenever you choose to call.

Jeff (Martin):
You're the mail man in this town, right?

Rance Muhammitz:
You are Simmons. No. Brambell. No! You are Lickert. Correct? Yes! Yes, Lickert, I do a few odd jobs here in Centerville. I am sort of the general proprietor of all its major industries, its lakes, its parks, its lavish recreational facilities. Its homes. One day you fix an election, the next day you deliver the mail. Heh heh. We in government have a wide range of services to perform for the man in the street. By the way, Mister Volman, I have . . . your cheeseburger. Would you care to sign for it?

Mark:
(Sniff, sniff) Mmmh . . .

Jeff (Martin):
Don't have any blood, I'm too wan.

Rance Muhammitz:
Then we'll rent some blood. You still must sign! You took the mystery burger! You are in full posession of . . . the burger! Do you know who I am? Hum? Do you know who . . . I really am?

 

 

George:
Hey, man, what's that over there?

Howard:
It's him.

Group & Chorus:
Help everybody so they all get some action
Some love on the weekend
Some real satisfaction

?:
[...]

George Duke:
They're all gonna go home, yeah

George Duke:
They're all gonna go home

George Duke:
They're all gonna go home, yeah

?:
Zappa! . . . Zappa! Zappa!

Howard:
They gonna ride on home
They gonna ride on home
We're gonna ride on home
Let's go! Gonna ride on home
Yeah, I'm gonna ride on home
We're gonna leave the theater
Get it out town
Nobody home
To our wives and our moms
Gonna ride on home
We're gonna ride on home!
We're gonna ride on
All right . . .
Get out of it as we can do
Gonna get wasted
Gonna get twisted
Gonna get bent
Gonna get reamed
We're gonna ride home . . .
Talkin' about cheap thrills
Talkin' about cheap thrills
Talkin' about cheap thrills . . .

Group:
Ride on home
Ride on home
Ride on home
Ride on home . . .

Howard:
Mystery Roach . . .
What are we singing about?

Mike Cole: How about movies? You think you're going and, uh, playing around shooting movies or anything like that? Color? Pictures?

FZ: Yeah. That's, that's a lot of fun. I really enjoy that. I was gonna make a movie one time. And then another time I was gonna make a movie. And a couple of times after that I was gonna make a movie. I suppose one of these days I'll make a movie.

Audience Member:
Did Ringo Starr enjoy— enjoy being in the movie Two Thou—, uh, 200 Motels?

FZ:
Well, it's hard to tell, you know. I never bother to ask people whether or not they enjoy working for me. (Laughs.) But he still talks to me so I guess it wasn't too bad.

Simon Prentis:
Tell us how you got involved in 200 Motels.

Ringo Starr:
Ah . . . It was very strange actually. A call came from the office—the Apple office at the time—that Frank Zappa had this idea and he wanted to come and present it to me. I thought, "Ah, great!" 'Cause, you know, I'd heard Frank's music and, you know, in a very musical way it was pretty wacky actually. And uh, so I invited Frank to, to my house where he, he came with a huge score. And he laid this huge score out and he said, "You know, I've got this idea—I wanna make this movie and here's the score." "Why are you showing me the score? I cannot read music. But because of that I will do the movie." So that's how it happened to me. It was very strange. So he told me he wanted me to play him, 'cause he just wanted to be like the musician in it. Also, it's like, you know, pretty strange like that Ringo playing Frank and then Frank being a musician, so it was a nice premise and I hung out with musicians. That was always a good deal.

Simon Prentis:
It was filmed in a very short period of time under very chaotic circumstances.

Ringo Starr:
It was filmed very fast, you know. A lot of it, you know—Though there was like the outline and some script, I mean, sometimes you just made it up. And you know, I was like the Devil Frank. And I would tape the band, when they were ordering food or whatever, you know, talking, and then Frank'd write a song about it and force them to play it and sing it, ha ha ha ha! Which was fun. So it was a really nice experience for me.

Simon Prentis:
In many ways it was a kind of a send-up of the whole pop star scene . . .

Ringo Starr:
It was.

Simon Prentis:
Does that appeal to you?

Ringo Starr:
It does. And uh, you couldn't get a bigger pop star than me at the time.

Simon Prentis:
What was it like working with him?

Ringo Starr:
It was good, you know. So, everyone had that image at the time—Frank, it was like this drug fiend and—you know, we all know now and I knew then that it's not something Frank got involved with at all. He just, uh—Just his image came across like, "God, he's gotta be on drugs," you know? And uh [...].

Simon Prentis:
Can you remember seen the film and did it . . .

Ringo Starr:
I did see the film. And well, yeah, it was good. You know it was good—again because it was fast and we did it, and it was just a film. Ah, you know, it wasn't, it wasn't pretentious, like, "Oh, we're making this movie!", like some rock & roll movies started to get in the end. It was good. It's nearly as good as Greaser's Palace. Anyway, that's it, really, I mean, what else can I say? It was a really nice experience, Frank was an incredible musician, and that's the end of it.

Howard:
Oh, oh-oh . . . oh!

Jim:
Howard, you're dreaming.

Howard:
I must be dreaming.

Mark:
Howard, you're not dreaming.

Howard:
I'm not dreaming? You mean I really did see Frank Zappa's 200 Motels epic classic cinema feature with The Mothers Of Invention, Theodore Bikel, Ringo Starr, all sorts of weird stuff?

Jim:
No, no, no, no, my boy, Howard, there has never been a movie made like that, you were dreaming.

Howard:
That's what I thought, I said, "Who would spend the money to make a movie like that?" But then I thought . . .

Jim:
No one.

Mark:
Howard, Howard, let me tell you, Howard, remember years ago Frank talked about doing a movie and everybody said, "Rumour! Rumour! Rumour!"

Howard:
Yeah, they said it was never coming out.

Mark:
But it's finally come out, Howard.

Howard:
No.

Mark:
200 Motels can now be seen at all theaters and drive-ins . . .

Howard:
I don't . . .

Mark:
A United Artists film . . .

Howard:
Am I dreaming?

Mark:
Produced by Murakami Wolf/Bizarre Productions . . .

Jim:
Howard . . .

Mark:
You are not dreaming, I'm telling you.

Howard:
Am I dreaming?

Jim:
Howard, you are.

You're looking for newts, Jim, remember.

Settle down! Settle down! You're petrified, orchestra. Be concerned. And you're upset, Jim. You can't find any. Yes, he's very worried. You're afraid of this creature. You're afraid of him. [...]

Roger, can you make noises? Ad lib. Ad hoc.

Okay, fellows. Action.

Much more berserk, fellows. Much more berserk.

Where are they? Come on, fellows. [...]

Come on. Don't [...]

Come on. Okay, hold it. Found one. It's all right. We've got one.

FZ:
The main thing that I consider before undertaking a work, you know, a long orchestral thing like that—you see in the old days, before I got a chance to work with a orchestra, before I found out that they are only in it for the money, and they're considering only their pensions and their rehearsal breaks and all those other little mechanical things that makes life in a symphony orchestra so delightful—when I found that out, it's— it turned me off so bad to writing for that medium. Because the orchestras that I had a chance to work with—the Los Angeles Philharmonic, the Royal Philharmonic in London—their attitude towards the performance of music in general seemed to me wrong, you know. They weren't putting enough personal energy into the performance of the music. I get a better performance out of the members of the group—you know, even though it's only a mere ten pieces I can make it sound like an orchestra with guts. And that's a thing that I miss from normal academic orchestral performance. It just doesn't have—it's not coming from the lower chakras, do you understand what I'm talking about?

Jim:
Do you thing the Royal Philharmonic would play with Frank Zappa?

Howard:
Nooo . . . Of course they wouldn't. It was a dream. I knew it was a dream.

Mark:
You're not dreaming, Howard! You're not dreaming.

Howard:
I do have the ticket stub . . .

Mark:
You still have it, right? It's at the movies now. Finally, 200 Motels is at the drive-in.

Howard:
He really did it, no? Zappa really got a movie out there . . .

Jim:
No, no, there's no such movie, Howard, you are dreaming.

Mark:
You are not dreaming.

Howard:
But how come I have butter on my hands then, mmm . . .?

Mark:
Ha-ha-ha-ha . . .

FZ:
Hah hah hah hah!

Jim:
He he he . . .

FZ:
Okay, guys. Ready to do the commercial?

Mark & Howard:
Yeah! Here we go! All right!

FZ:
Come on! Let's go! Let's do this commercial now!

Mark:
All right, Frank, we're all ready! The guy is really nuts . . .

Howard:
I know . . .

Mark:
He is so innocent I can't believe it.

Howard:
Hmm, hmm . . .

Jim:
Then . . .

Mark:
Okay, here we go! Hi, hi, this is Mark and Howard and Jim here and we wanna tell you there's a great, great new movie out, yeah!

Howard:
Hi, hi . . . hi, hi . . . We're all in it and it's called 200 Motels.

Mark:
And I mean it is creative . . .

Jim:
Is he always like this?

Mark:
Who? Zappa?

Jim:
Mm-mmh.

Mark:
Yeah, ever since I've been in the band.

Howard:
We're rolling. We're rolling.

Jim:
We are? Oh.

Mark:
We're ro . . . Oh.

Jim:
Sorry.

Howard:
Take 2.

Mark:
Hi!

FZ:
Let's try another one, okay?

Mark:
Yeah.

Howard:
Okay.

Mark:
Sure, Frank. Ahemm ahemm. Hi!

FZ:
Let's try another one, okay?

Mark:
Yeah yeah, yeah. Fine. Just got it.

Jim:
He must have heard me.

Howard:
I think he did.

Jim:
Can he hear me in there when I . . .?

Howard:
He hears everything.

Mark:
Yeah, okay. Look at him, he's chewing a Baby Ruth in there.

Jim:
I've never been in a recording studio before.

Mark:
They're saving the little nuts for them!

Howard:
You've never been in a studio . . .

Jim:
Of course not.

Howard:
He's never been in a studio before.

Mark:
Puts 'em in his teeth, man.

Howard:
Zappa's never in a studio before . . .

FZ:
Let's try another one!

Mark:
Sure! Sure! We're ready, Frank. Rolling!

Howard:
Okay. Okay. Listen, I don't know what we're doing in here. It's kind of a mistake . . .

Mark:
We're advertising the . . .

Howard:
We have ten more minutes, man.

Mark:
Ten minutes . . . right.

Howard:
He's paying for this. It's a lucky thing, 'cause I have to leave quick.

Jim:
Listen.

Howard:
'Cause I gotta get out of it.

Jim:
My name is Jim.

Mark:
Hey!

Howard:
Hi, Jim.

Mark:
What's happened?

Jim:
Fred. He did introduce us.

Howard:
Oh, I'm Howard.

Mark:
This is Howard.

Jim:
How are you, Howard?

Howard:
We're from The Mothers, you know, the group you . . .

FZ:
You haven't met Jim. He's the bass player of the group.

Howard:
Oh.

Mark:
Oh.

Howard:
Oh. Well, the personnel changes so quick . . .

FZ:
Can we try it again, please?

Mark:
Yeah. Yeah.

Howard:
Okay. Mmh mmh . . .

Mark:
Okay. Sincere now, Howard. We're gonna make 'em believe that we love the movie.

Howard:
Well, we do love him. We love the movie and we loved being a part of it. But shlepping to make a commercial in this little rancid studio is not my idea of a good time.

Mark:
Right. We don't . . . Okay. Roll it, Frank! We're ready to go!

FZ:
Okay, let's take one now!

Mark:
Okay. Hi, kids!

Howard:
Hi!

Mark:
Hey . . .

Jim:
Hello. Hello.

Mark:
Howie here and Mark.

Howard:
Hey.

Jim:
Hello.

Mark:
Hey, you remember us?

Jim:
And . . . Jim?

Mark:
Those guys with the [shells]. Ha ha ha! Well, let me tell you . . .

Howard:
Oh, yes.

Mark:
We're in a big new movie that Frank produced and it's really coming out and it's, it's no, no kidding around this time. We wanna tell . . .

Howard:
What's it called?

Jim:
You are dreaming . . .

Howard:
I'm so sleepy today.

Mark:
Howard, listen to the album! On United Artists. It's got the Royal Philharmonic . . .

Howard:
I just love the Royal Philharmonic.

Mark:
It's got The Mothers Of Invention, it's got a whole choir of singers and they're singing songs about . . .

Howard:
Ooh . . . Oh . . .

FZ:
Let's try another one! Okay?

Howard:
Okay.

Mark:
What is wrong, what's wrong with him? I mean . . . man.

Howard:
. . . there's money we're spending . . .

Jim:
He's always like this?

Mark:
It's a good thing he's paying.

Howard:
It's not always like this, I mean, sometimes the guy can't see . . .

Mark:
. . . I wanna tell you . . .

Engineer:
We're rolling.

Mark:
Yeah.

Jim:
How long is this gonna take?

Howard:
I don't know, man, we've been here a couple hours.

Mark:
Let me tell you, it's a good thing we get paid to do this.

Howard:
Yeah.

Jim:
We were supposed to be out of here an hour ago.

Howard:
Is your old lady picking you up, man?

Mark:
No, man, I rode with Jim.

Howard:
Oh, yeah? Well listen, I hope this commercial stuff gets out of the way. The guy makes a movie and he goes off the deep end, you know what I mean?

Mark:
Really, he thinks he's Fellini or something.

Howard:
Yeah, and he gets us to come out here and make all these cheap commercials. You know, we're supposed to say, "United Artists presents 200 Motels. Murakami Wolf/Bizarre Productions. And it's got The Mothers Of Invention and it's got Theodore Bikel and it's got Ringo Starr and it's got all sort of weirdness there," you know.

Mark:
Who wants to hear that stuff?

Howard:
I mean, I don't know if I can . . . I mean who's gonna buy a movie with newts and concentration camps?

Mark:
Anyway after all the things that Zappa's promised anyway for the last five years, movie-wise . . .

Howard:
Yeah, they don't even think it is a movie now. I mean . . .

Jim:
I'm not even in the movie. I was hitch-hiking on Sunset.

Howard:
That's right! You never made that movie.

Jim:
No.

Howard:
That was cool to do and all but I, you know, a cheap get-off I mean. I don't know what we're doing on here. Lookit, man, it's almost ten minutes of eight.

Mark:
Well . . .

Howard:
What do you think, uh? Good thing we're getting paid to do this.

Mark:
It's always the same.

Howard:
Where's Zappa?

Mark:
I mean, he says, "Do it," we do it and we do it.

Howard:
What's it called?

Mark:
200 Motels.

Howard:
200 Motels.

Mark:
Not 2000 Motels, and it's not a documentary, it's a silly fun-filled event.

Howard:
There's lots of music and the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra.

FZ:
Did you read the press kit? Make your eyebrows go up and down.

Mark:
Oh, yeah, make your . . . Hey!

Howard:
Hey! Oh!

FZ:
That's it! Let's try another one!

Mark & Howard:
Okay!

Mark:
Okay. Hey. Take it, Howie!

Howard:
Hey, thanks a lot, kids, and hiya, hiya, hiya! We're three guys from The Mothers Of Invention and I wanna tell you we've got a snazzy new movie for you to see in your . . .

Mark:
Wait a minute, wait a minute

Jim:
Wait, really.

Mark:
Why don't you say something, Jim?

Jim:
I just, I'm not, I just hitchhiked, I was hitchhiking and Frank picked me up and said, uh, come in . . .

Mark:
"You wanna be in the band?," right?

Jim:
He wanted me to talk 'cause I have a low voice or something. I don't really know what's happening, man.

Howard:
He pays me to sing 'cause I've got a high one!

Mark:
He pays me to sing 'cause I can sing higher than Howie!

Howard:
That's right.

Jim:
Is this, is this supposed to be a commercial?

Howard:
This is supposed to be a commercial for . . .

Mark:
Commercial . . .

FZ:
Ha! Let's try another one!

Howard:
Hey! Another one!

Mark:
Yeah. Ah, this is a commercial for the movie 200 Motels. You haven't heard anything about it?

Jim:
No. What?

Mark:
Theodore Bikel's in it.

Jim:
What? 200 Motels?

Howard:
Ringo Starr's in it.

Mark:
Keith Moon! Where've you been at, man?

Howard:
All The Mothers Of Invention.

Mark:
. . . It's been in Rolling Stone and stuff . . .

Jim:
I just came down from Big Sur.

Mark:
Oh, no wonder, Esalen out there.

Howard:
Oh . . . no pants on. Can you tell right away.

Mark:
Oh, he's naked through the trees.

Jim:
What about 200 Motels?

Mark:
Oh, it's a movie. United Artists. They gave him Frank the money and get a movie.

Howard:
That's right. Finally a movie. It's thrilling. It's good and everything.

Mark:
. . . Got some cartoon and stuff.

Howard:
It's a double record set with a, with poster and a book.

Mark:
A double record set with a poster and a book and uh, Howard's in it!

Jim:
And he makes you guys stand in here and . . .

Howard:
Well, you know . . .

Mark:
He makes us do everything.

Howard:
You've gotta get some bread even if you wanna drop out.

Jim:
Yeah, yeah.

Mark:
You know, man, it's hard.

Jim:
That's why I came to Hollywood.

Howard:
To drop out?

Jim:
Yeah. No, to make some bread.

Howard:
Then you can drop out.

Jim:
Yeah.

Howard:
Gonna get your head together?

Mark:
Head together. Sorta.

Jim:
Yeah. But I'll make it.

Howard:
Yeah. I don't blame you.

Jim:
Does he pay you for this?

Howard:
Well, you know . . .

Mark:
Well . . . let's discuss . . .

Jim:
Tell me about the movie.

Mark:
Well, the movie is long, it's full length, yeah.

Howard:
Oh, it's a full length feature. Oh, and it's, it's really interesting, I mean.

Mark:
The drive in.

Howard:
Even if you weren't into the kind of a, of a social rock perverse avant garde commentary that this movie proposes to be, you would get off cheaply.

Mark:
It's an 'R.'

Howard:
Yeah.

Jim:
Is it?

Howard:
But it's clean.

Mark:
Not the least bit offensive.

Howard:
Not even to your . . .

Jim:
Is it out soon?

Mark:
Out soon.

Howard:
Out now!

Mark:
I think you'd like it.

Jim:
Who's in it?

Howard:
Oh . . .

Mark:
Ah, I'm in it.

Howard:
Oh, I'm in it.

Jim:
Yeah?

Howard:
Yeah.

Mark:
And who cares who else is in it?

Howard:
Once you got us, man, there you go, you know.

Mark:
I mean, Ringo Starr's in it, but he looks like Frank through the whole movie.

Howard:
Yeah. Theodore Bikel's in it, but he talks with a funny accent.

Mark:
Oh, Frank's back, Frank's back.

FZ:
Listen. You think you can explain a little bit more about how inoffensive it is?

Mark:
Sure.

Howard:
Mmm . . .

Mark:
It's not offensive at all!

Jim:
Is it rated 'R'?

Mark:
Rated 'R.' But it's clean. I mean there are some things in it that . . .

Jim:
I would think any movie Frank Zappa produced would be . . .

Howard:
Well, you see. But that's the fallacy, that the image of the thing . . .

Mark:
Don't say "fallaccy." Don't ever say "fallaccy."

Howard:
I didn't ever say that.

Mark:
Because it is . . .

Howard:
This movie is not offensive.

Jim:
Is there any nudity?

Howard:
Well, uh . . .

Mark:
Well, umm . . .

Jim:
Of course, well, I'm . . .

Howard:
But the body is such a beautiful thing . . . I mean, you know. . .

Mark:
You can't say that it's offensive. I mean, you know, it's got a . . .

Howard:
I mean, you come from Big Sur, don't you?

Mark:
It's got a dog in it!

Jim:
Yes, I do.

Howard:
You hitchhiked from Big Sur?

Jim:
But I'm 69 years old too.

Howard:
Well . . .

Mark:
You're 69?

Howard:
It's never too late.

Jim:
Yeah. I've been living in Big Sur.

Howard:
All these years? No wonder he didn't know that 200 Motels was coming out.

Mark:
All these years . . . No wonder.

Jim:
Are there any four-letter words?

Mark:
Four-letter.

Howard:
Four-letter words . . .

Mark:
Well, I mean to you they might seem offensive, four-letter words, but to me, I mean I am free, you know?

Jim:
Of course. You got, you have long hair.

Howard:
Cleansed.

Mark:
Liberated.

Howard:
Liberated?

Mark:
Thank you. And I, to me four-letter words are as, you know . . .

Jim:
Right.

Mark:
. . . natural as the driven snow.

Howard:
Yeah. I've often said that.

Jim:
Right. You're typical.

Howard:
Typical of the young.

Jim:
Typical of the wandering youth.

Howard:
The long-haired, uh . . .

Jim:
Yeah . . .

Howard:
What's the matter with you, old man?

Jim:
Well, I don't know.

Howard:
What do you got, the downs on us or something?

Mark:
It's not offensive.

Jim:
Not against you personally, not against you personally.

Howard:
It's releasing, man, I mean . . . Who is this guy?

Jim:
I told you.

Mark:
I think it's Frank's dad.

Jim:
No, no, no.

Howard:
You pick up the weirdest guys on the road, I'm telling you. Look at his teeth . . .

Mark:
Hey, Frank! Who is this guy?

FZ:
This is Jim Pons, our new bass player!

Howard:
Oh, you're not in the movie?

Jim:
No, I'm not in the movie.

Mark:
Oh, well, I can see why you're so . . .

Howard:
No wonder he's bitter.

Mark:
Oh, bitter.

Howard:
Bitter . . . old hard cheese.

Mark:
Right. "I'm not in the movie, it can't be good." Right, Jim? Right?

Jim:
Right. Well. No.

Howard:
I'll tell you, man. The movie didn't offend me.

Mark:
Oh, me neither.

Howard:
I mean, I, I consider myself, you know . . .

Mark:
I mean, I have been offended before.

Howard:
People have called me a professional liberal but they've also said wild-eyed radical. So, who's to say, you know what I mean?

Mark:
Oh, I know what you mean.

Howard:
Yeah, well. Who's this guy?

Mark:
You know what he means?

Jim:
I have no idea what any of you mean. I was hitchhiking on the, on Sunset Boulevard . . .

FZ:
Tell 'em about the album.

Jim:
Frank Zappa stopped me and said, "Hey, uh, I've just decided with the rest of the fellas that the next person that I stop and pick up hitchhiking would be the bass player in my band."

Mark:
Mmmh . . .

Jim:
I don't . . .

FZ:
Just like Martin!

Howard:
Just like Martin.

Jim:
I have no, I don't even know how to play bass, much less what a bass is.

Howard:
Oh, you'll fit into the group real good.

Jim:
You know, I'm just standing here just trying to watch you, guys, and see how the record industry operates.

Howard:
Record? We've got an album that comes from this movie.

Jim:
That's what I heard.

Howard:
It's not offensive either.

Mark:
No, no, it isn't.

Howard:
No.

Mark:
Got lots of good music on it.

Jim:
What is, a soundtrack?

Howard:
Good songs. Yes, a soundtrack. It's a double record set. It's got the Royal Philharmonic . . .

Mark:
Two, that means, that means four sides. Double record set.

Howard:
Double. We're going too fast with the variety terms.

Howard:
Yeah. He's an old man.

Jim:
You mean two actually, two actually records, two actually . . .

Howard:
Yes, two records. Four sides.

Mark:
Two actual records. Got a little book.

Howard:
Turn it over, you know.

Mark:
Got a little book inside with a poster.

Howard:
Burp.

Mark:
16 uh . . .

FZ:
Hi, guys.

Howard:
Hi, Frank.

Mark:
Hi, Frank.

FZ:
How's the session, guys?

Howard:
Oh, good. Who is this guy you picked up, man?

Mark:
Who is this bass player?

FZ:
This is Jim Pons, he used to work with The Turtles.

Howard:
Hi, Jim.

Mark:
Hey, Jim.

Jim:
Howard.

Howard:
A pleasure, man.

Mark:
How you doing?

Jim:
Mark.

Mark:
Good to meet you.

Howard:
Yeah. Good to see you.

Jim:
Sorry, I had no chance to introduce myself earlier.

Ho ward:
Well, I'm a little shy about introducing myself.

Jim:
I was just down on Wilcox.

FZ:
I want, I want . . .

Howard:
Oh, yeah.

FZ:
Would you guys read part of this?

Mark:
Sure. Sure.

Howard:
Okay. Would you like any specific kind of . . .

Mark:
Maybe Jim should use, do that part.

FZ:
Yeah.

Jim:
Well, you know, I've never . . .

Mark:
Well, see, it can't be that hard.

Howard:
Yeah. Come on, man. I mean . . .

Mark:
Let me get a music stand.

Howard:
I saw six foot newts! I saw concentration camps . . .

Jim:
Those are only the things you see in your dreams.

Howard:
That's what I said to myself.

Mark:
They are not dreams, Howard, they are real. And they are at a theater or a drive-in and they are United Artists and they are Frank Zappa. They are 200 Motels.