FZ:OZ

Deranged Fan: RIGHT NOW!

FZ: Good evening, ladies & gentlemen, welcome to The Mothers Of Invention Extravaganza for Sydney, Australia, 1976. And tonight featuring the dynamic Napoleon Murphy Brock on tenor sax and lead vocals . . .
Napoleon: Wen-a-hena-hena-hean (Hel-l-l-lp me!)
FZ: The probably overheated later in the program André Lewis on keyboards, the extremely susceptible to increases in tempo tiny skinny foxy little cute little available tonight to each and everyone of the ladies in the audience, and maybe some of the other persons that might be interested in him, little skinny Terry "Ted" Bozzio on drums. And last, but not least, Roy Ralph Moleman Guacamole Guadalupe Hidalgo Estrada on bass.

In the dark
Where all the fevers grow
Under the water
Where the shark bubbles blow
In the mornin'
By yer radio
Do the walls close in t' suffocate ya
Ain't got no friends
An' all the others, they hate ya
Does the life you been livin' gotta go, hmmm?
Well, let me straighten you out
About a place I know
(Now, get yer shoes 'n socks on people
'Cause it's right aroun' the corner!)

Out through the night
An' the whispering breezes
To the place where they keep
The Imaginary Diseases

Out through the night
An' the whispering breezes
To the place where they keep
The Imaginary Diseases

Now scientists call this stupid disease
Bromidrosis
And well they should
But us regular folks
Who might wear a tennis shoe
Or an occasional python boot
Know this exquisite little inconvenience
By the name of
Stink Foot

How true that is!
Y'know, my python boot was too tight
Couldn't get it off last night
A week went by, an' now it's July
I finally got that sucker off
An' my girlfriend cry
"You got stink foot!
Stink foot, darlin'
Your Stinkin' foot puts the hurts on my nose!
Stink foot! Stink foot! I ain't lyin'
Can you rinse it off, d'you suppose?"

Well . . . Here Fido . . . Here Fido . . . Fido!

Fido, I asked you very specifically to please bring me the slippers.
(I know you did, Frank, but I was so stoned!)
Fido, I asked you to bring me the slippers and I meant it!
You did not bring them and that makes you liable to punishment, to the full extent of the law, right here live on stage in Sydney, Australia.
(Oh, hurt me, hurt me, hurt me!)
Very well, then, Fido, this is for your own good . . .
Sick!

In the beginning God made 'the light.' Shortly thereafter God made the poodle—as you can see by this model that we have in front of us. When God made the poodle initially it was a very handsome sort of a dog—it had hair, hair, hair, evenly distributed all over its charming canine poodle-shape body.

Shortly after the construction of the poodle itself, God made two big mistakes. The first one was called Man, and the second one was called Wo-man. Wo-man looketh upon the poodle and saith unto herself, "This poodle, with hair evenly distributed all over its body, is of no use to me for it is not sleek, it is not streamlined, it is not fashionable, and in many instances it is repulsive because of the brown things attached to the hair on the rear part of the dog, and I must have this dog modified." So she turneth unto Man, and saith unto Man, "Sucker, go get a job!" And Man, being the chump that he was, wenteth out and wenteth forth and lefteth the cave, and went into the world itself and gotteth a job.

Whereupon he returneth to the cave with his money, and the Wo-man looketh upon the money and said, "Sucker! Take this money and go buy me a pair of scissors, whereby I might clippeth upon this poodle and modify it to my own personal taste and secret moist innermost desires." And the Man, being the chump that he was, went out and boughteth the poodle-clipping shears and brought them back to the Wo-man and handeth the shears to the Wo-man, whereupon she grabbeth the poodle thusly . . . and with a deft, swift, dense ecumenical patina (Talk about it!) of a stroke (Talk about it!), she clippeth upon the poodle, near the fetlock, all across the thorax, in the medulla, and right near the cappuciano here, and streamlined that sucker until it looked just like this, with little feet sticking out and a little ball on the end, making the dags very easy to remove. And she putteth the poodle in a quasi-erotic sort of a position, near where she was sprawled out on the cave . . . stucketh her leggeths up unto the air, "Boof," like this, exposing to the poodle the central core of her desire, and looked deep into the poodle's eyes and said these piquant little words that we shall not soon forget . . .

Give me
Your dirty love
Like you might surrender
To some dragon in your dreams

Give me
Your dirty love
Like a pink donation
To the dragon in your dreams

I don't want your sweet devotion
I don't need your cheap emotion
Whip me up some dragon lotion
For your dirty love
That dirty love
Your dirty love
That dirty love

Give me
Your dirty love
Like some tacky little pamphlet
In your daddy's bottom drawer

Give me
Your dirty love
I don't believe you never seen
His book before

I don't want your perspiration
I don't need your reservation
I only got one destination
An' that's your dirty love
Dirty love
Your dirty love
Yeah!

Give me
Your dirty love
Just like your mama
Make that fuzzy poodle do

Give me
Your dirty love
Just like your mama
Make that nasty poodle chew

I'll ignore your cheap aroma
Your little-bo-peep diploma
I'll just put you in a coma
With some dirty love
That dirty love
That dirty love
That dirty love

The poodle bites!
The poodle chews it!
The poodle bites!
The poodle chews it!
The poodle bites!
The poodle chews it!
The poodle bites!
The poodle chews it!
The poodle bites!
(Come on, Frenchie)
The poodle chews it!
(Come on!)
(Snap it!)
The poodle bites!
The poodle chews it!
(Come on, Frenchie!)
The poodle bites!
The poodle chews it!
(Lick it!)
The poodle bites!
(Lick it, Frenchie!)
The poodle chews it . . .

FZ: Now, wait just a minute, the poodle may bite it, the poodle may chew it, but we must progress into another song. The name of this song, folks—and it's a new tune, unusual to this area, an instrumental extravaganza, entitled "Filthy Habits."

 

Wo-oh-oh-oh
When I won your love
I was very glad
Every happiness in the world
Belonged to me
Then our love was lost
You went away
Now I shed my tears
In lonely misery

I know now
You never really loved me
It hurts me now to think
You never really cared
You know you never really cared
I sit and ask myself a thousand times
Try, try and find, yeah
What really happened
To the love
That we shared

How could I be such a fool
How could I believe
All those lies you told me
How could I be taken in
By your sweet face
You spoiled our love
You ruined my life, yeah
I'm so tore down
I'm a terrible disgrace

But there will come a time
You'll regret the way-ay-ay-ay
You treated me as if
As if I was your fool
And didn't know
The many times you lied
About your love for me
Someone is gonna know
Your love was just a show

Waa-ho, oh oh oh yeah
Waa eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh
Girl like you
Judging me
Sometimes just don't know
What your woman be
But you got me
Walking all over, babe
Ooh, baby
Aah, ah ah ah ah ah ah
Look out, baby
Gonna be knockin' on your door
Can't get away from what you
Waa-how
Get back

Ain't got no heart, no no
I ain't got no heart to give away
I sit and laugh at fools in love
There ain't no such thing as love
Ain't no angels singing up above today
No, no

Girl, I don't believe
Girl, I don't believe in what you say
You say your heart is only mine
I say to you, I mean, you must be blind
What makes you think you're so fine
That I would throw away
The groovy life I lead
'Cause, baby, what you got, yeah
It sure ain't what I need

Ooh, girl, you'd better go, go, girl
Girl, you'd better go away
I think that life with you would be
Just not quite the thing for me
I mean, why is it so hard to see my way

And why should I be stuck with you
It's just not what I want to do
Why should an embrace or two
Make me such a part of you
I ain't got no heart to give away

Ain't got no heart
Ain't got no heart
I ain't got no heart to give . . .

Got no place to go
I'm tired of walking
Up and down the street all by myself
No love left for me to give
I tried and tried
But no one wants me the way I am
Why should I pretend I like
To roam from door to door
Maybe I'll just kill myself
I just don't care no no no more

Because
I'm not satisfied
Everything I've tried
I don't like the way
Life has been abusing me

Who, I said who would care if I was gone
I never met nobody
Who'd care if I was dead and gone
Who, I said who needs me to care for them
Nobody needs me
Tell me why I hang around?
Why should I just sit and watch
While the others smile
I just wish that someone cared
If I were happy for a little while

Because
I'm not satisfied
Every little thing I've tried
I don't like the way
Life has been abusing me

Thank you! . . . This is called "Black Napkins."

Wee-ee-oooh
Wee-ee-oooh
Wee-ee-oooh

Wee-ee-oooh
Wee-ee-oooh
Wee-ee-oooh

Wee-ee-oooh
Wee-ee-oooh
Wee-ee-oooh

Wee-ee-oooh
Wee-ee-oooh
Wee-ee-oooh

No more credit
From the liquor store
Suit is all dirty, my
Shoes is all wore
Tired and lonely, my
Heart is all sore
Advance romance
I can't stand it no more

She told me she loved me
I believed what she said
Took me for a sucker, boy
All corn-fed
Next thing I knew
She had a bolt on the door
Advance romance
I can't use it no more

Napoleon: She took André's watch
Like they always do
(André: It was a Timex, too!)
(FZ: Wah-Hoo-Hoo
Wah-Hah-Hoo-Hoo)
Napoleon: (And-a shame on you)
No more money, boy
André: I shoulda knew
(Napoleon: I tried to tell you)
(André: Well, I didn't listen)
(Napoleon: He wouldn't listen to me)
(André: I couldn't listen to ya . . . )
(Napoleon: I said look it here, when you go to Australia, don't be messin' around with no kangaroos, and the sheep and lamb)
Napoleon & André: The way she do me, boy
She might do you, too
The way she do me, boy
She might do you, too
The way she do me, boy
She might do you, too
(FZ: Now, look what she did to André tonight, with that wig and everything!)

Advance romance
Oh, people we are through

Potato-head Bobby
Was a friend of mine
Opened three of his eyes
In the food stamp line
He opened four of his eyes
In the food stamp line
He opened three of his eyes
In the food stamp line
He opened six of his eyes
In the food stamp line
But, Frank, you know she might be a devil
They go blue poppin' eyes
Might be a devil
Horns . . . little thing in the wagon . . .
Might be a devil . . . really, little thing . . . pointed . . .
. . . wagon . . . you know
Advance romance
He wanna try it one time
He said he don't mind

Later that night
He drop on by
Told her all he want to do
Was step up and say "Hi"
(Hi-Hi, Hi-Hi, Hi-Hi, Hi-Hi
Hi-Hi, Hi-Hi, Hi-Hi, Hi-Hi)
Half an hour later
She had frenched his fry
Advance romance
Bobby, say good-bye
(Bye bye!)

Advance romance
Bobby, say good-bye

Ah, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, let's get this feedback under control so we move along with the, the special part of our program. This is the—bring the band on down behind me, boys—, this is the part of our program that deals with the exploits of that great undiscovered American folk hero, Michael Kenyon, professionally known as The Illinois Enema Bandit.

For the past 10 years in a town just outside of Chicago . . . (get rid o' that feedback! Where is it? Get that outta there! . . . ) All right, now listen, this guy, Michael, used to go around the countryside, wearing a ski mask, carrying a briefcase, and in the briefcase was a pistol, some rope, a thermometer, and some enema equipment, which he would use to give special rinsings to college-educated women in the area.

He would break into their homes, and address them with his peculiar little lisping sort of a voice through the ski mask, and indicate to them by means of the pistol that he wanted them to lie face down on some sort of a hard surface and then he would tie them up. Then he would remove from the briefcase the little thermometer and inserted thusly, leaving it for just a moment, a moment or two, withdrawing it eventually, giving it a quick read, a quick sniff back into the little thing, and back into the briefcase. Then, he would dash into the commode and f— (Cheap lies! Ah ha ha ha!) he would dash into the commode and fill up the bag with hot water. Then he would rush back into where the college-educated woman was tied up, spread the gluteus maximus (thank you) and then he would jam the thing in there and give it a couple of quick little poots, beat his meat, and then tell the girl not to call the police for at least five minutes until after he had gone.

Well, finally they caught him. He was tried and convicted in December, in Superior Court in Chicago. This is a true story, this is one of the great Americans of our time. You've heard of Richard Nixon, this guy is better. And he is a real person. Unfortunately he was convicted of five counts of armed robbery, because apparently there is no law against administering an enema to a college-educated woman. His big mistake was, when he got ahold on an ugly one, he robbed her. So never let that happen to you. Meanwhile, here's the tune.

The Illinois Enema Bandit
I heard he's on the loose
I heard he's on the loose

Lord, the pitiful screams
From them college-educated women
For he'd be just tyin' 'em up
They'd be all bound down!
Be just pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice

The Illinois Enema Bandit
I heard it on the news
I heard it on the news

Bloomington, Illinois
He has caused some alarm
Just sneakin' around there
From farm to farm
Got a rubberized bag
And a hose on his arm
Searchin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
Searchin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
Searchin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna . . .

The Illinois Enema Bandit
Some day gonna pay
Some day gonna pay

The police will say, "You're under arrest!"
And the D.A. will have him for a special guest
D.A. will order a secret test
Stuff his pudgy little thumbs in the side of his vest
Put out a call for the jury folks
(That's you)
And the judge would say, "No poo-poo jokes!"
They'll drag in the bandit for all to see
Sayin', "Don't nobody, no no no, have no sympathy
Hot soapy water in the first degree!"
And the Bandit might say, "Why is everybody always pickin' on me?"

Well did you cause this misery?
Well did you cause this misery?
Tell me, did you cause this misery?
Well, one girl shout, "Let the Bandit be!"

Well are you guilty?
Bandit, tell me now, what's your plea?
Another girl shout, "Let the fiend go free!"

Well are you guilty?
Tell me, bandit, did you do these deeds?
You know what the bandit said?
He said, "It must be just what they all need"
(Flushing out)
"It must be just what they all need"
(Enemas)
"It must be just what they all need"
(Cushy cushy cushy)
"It must be just what they all . . . "
(Look out, now . . . )

This here song might offend you some
If it does, it's because you're dumb
That's the way it is where I come from
If you've been there too, let me see your thumb

Let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
(Let me see your thumb!)
Well, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)

Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Ah, let me see you're wrong
(Let me see your thumb)
(Let me see your thumb!)

Let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)

Ah, let me see your thumb!
(Let me see your thumb)
(Let me see your thumb!)
Oh, let me see you're wrong
(Ah, let me see your thumb)

Ah, let me see your thumb
(I got to see your thumb, baby!)
(Ah, let me see your thumb)
Ah, let me see your thumb
(Oh, I want to see the thumb!)
(Let me see your thumb)

Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
(I wanna see your thumb, baby!)

Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)

Ah, let me see your thumb . . .

FZ: Now, actually, ladies and gentlemen, really, this won't hurt at all, real live, make believe, audience participation in Sydney, Australia. Now we've been here for the last two concerts in this hall, and if there's one thing I noticed, that it seems to be a general air of tension that pervades the people who are intimidated by this particular building. For some strange reason they just don't really wanna get into it when somebody says, "Get your hands together," or participate one way or another. It's shameful, it's positively shameful, this is the 20th Century! But look, this won't hurt at all, all you gotta do is stick up your thumb. You don't have to sing, you don't have to clap. Stick up your thumb. Isn't that stupid? Try it one time.

(All right. All right. All right . . . All right!)

Let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)

Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)

Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Let me see you're wrong!
(Let me see your thumb)

Let me see you're wrong
(Let me see your thumb)
Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)

Ah, let me see you're wrong
(Let me see your thumb)
Ah, let me see your thumb . . .

FZ: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, you people are really good at showing us your thumb. Let's move on up the evolutionary ladder. Now, show us your tongue!

Let me see your tongue
(Let me see your tongue, uh)
Let me see your tongue
FZ: This only happens one time.
(Let me see your tongue!)

Let me see your tongue
(Let me see your tongue)
Ah, let me see your . . .
(Ah, let me see your tongue)

Ah, let me see your tongue
(Let me see your tongue)
Let me see your tongue
(Let me see your tongue)

FZ: Well, all right, if you don't wanna have things coming out of your mouth, we'll reach all the way to the bottom of the barrel and go on with the song, because actually this is completely irrelevant to what the subject matter is.

Show me your thumb if you're really dumb
Show me your thumb if you're really dumb
Show me your thumb if you're really dumb
Show me your thumb if you're dumb

Hey now, better make a decision
Be a moron and keep your position
You oughta know now all your education
Won't help you no-how, you're gonna . . .

Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station

Pumpin' the gas every night
Pumpin' the gas every night
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station

Pumpin' the gas every night
Pumpin' the gas every night
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station

Manny the Camper wants to buy some white
(Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station)
(Wow!)
Manny the Camper wants to buy some white
(Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station)
(Wow!)
Manny the Camper wants to buy some white
(Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station)
(Wow!)
Manny the Camper wants to buy some white
(Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station)
(Wow!)

Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station

Flies all green 'n buzzin'
In his dungeon of despair
Prisoners grumble and piss their clothes
And scratch their matted hair
A tiny light from a window hole
A hundred yards away
Is all they ever get to know
About the regular life in the day

An' it stinks so bad the stones been chokin'
'N weepin' greenish drops
In the room where the giant fire puffer works
'N the torture never stops
The torture never stops
The torture never stops
The torture never stops

Slime 'n rot, rats 'n snot
'N vomit on the floor
'N fifty ugly soldiers, man
Holdin' spears by the iron door
Knives 'n spikes 'n guns 'n the likes
Of every tool of pain
An' a sinister midget with a bucket an' a mop
Where the blood goes down the drain

An' it stinks so bad the stones been chokin'
'N weepin' greenish drops
In the room where the giant fire puffer works
'N the torture never stops
The torture never stops
The torture never stops
Never stops
Never stops

Flies all green 'n buzzin'
In his dungeon of despair
An evil prince eats a steamin' pig
In a chamber right near there
He eats the snouts 'n the trotters first
The loins 'n the groins is then dispersed
His carvin' style is well rehearsed
Oh, he stands and shouts
All men be cursed
All men be cursed
All men be cursed
All men be cursed
And disagree, well no-one durst
He's the best of course of all the worst
(He's the best of course of all the worst)
Some wrong been done, he done it first
(When some wrong been done, he done it first)

An' it stinks so bad, the stones been chokin'
'N weepin' greenish drops
In the room where the iron maiden
Where the torture never stops
The torture never stops
(Where is it?)
The torture never stops
(All right!)
The torture never stops

FZ: Ladies and gentlemen, Norman "Blind Lemon" Gunston, a little Aussie bleeder!

Norman Gunston: This harmonica is a bit dry, y'know. It used to belong to Stevie Wonder, you know? Course um, when I knocked the spit out a whole lotta watermelon seeds came out, you know. It's a bit dry, I just wetted it, y'know.

FZ: Well, blow your harmonica, son!

Norman Gunston: The fun hasn't beginned yet, uh, later on apparently The Mothers are gonna hand out the bingo cards and everything, you know. (It really sucks.) Thank you very much, Mother Superior. You'd think he'd try electrolysis, wouldn't you?

Flies all green 'n buzzin'
In his dungeon of despair
Who are all those people
That he's locked away down there
Are they crazy?
Are they sainted?
Are they heros someone painted?
It has never been explained
Since at first it was created
But a dungeon like a sin
Requires naught but lockin' in
Of everything that's ever been
Look at her
Look at him
That's what's the deal we're dealing in
That's what's the deal we're dealing in
That's what's the deal we're dealing in
That's what's the deal we're dealing in

 

This is a story, tell it quick as I can
A week ago, I met a stumbler man
He stumbled up, he said, "All I wanna know,
How far the hratche-plche Kaiser Rolls"

I begged his pardon, should have turned and ran,
So hard talking to a stumbler man
He stumbled over, and over again
"The Kaiser hratche Rolls since time began"

I raised my finger from the center of my hand,
Tried to wave farewell to the stumbler man
He slobbered 'n puked (PUGH!) in a garbage can
"The Kaiser hratche Rollin' might raise some sand"

Pushed him aside as he was slowin' my plan
So hard to understand a real stumbler man
Some stuff from his nose, crawled over his clothes, he said,
"Nobody ever tells me which way he goes"

Kaiser rolls 'n rolls 'n rolls
Kaiser rolls, and Kaiser rolls
Surprise to me they ain't catched him yet,
HOW'S ABOUT A DOLLAR FOR SOME CIGARETTE?

Find her finer, sneak up behind her
Wrapped like a mummy till you finally unwind her
Find her blinder, see who designed her
Act like a dummy till you finally grind her

If you should see a girl on the street
Now maybe you might think she is sweet
But if you want a piece of her meat
Now really, what should you do?
(Rat-tat-tat-tat ta-da!)

Don't never let her know you are smart
The universe is nowhere to start
You gotta play it straight from the heart
Or she will doody on you
(That's why you gotta . . . )

Find her finer, sneak up behind her
Wrapped like a mummy till you finally unwind her
Find her blinder, see who designed her
Act like a dummy till you finally grind her

Now maybe you might think this is crude
And maybe you might think I am rude
And maybe this approach I have spewed
Is not the one for you
(Rat-tat-tat-tat ta-da!)

Ah, but believe me later on you'll find
As you impress her with your mind
That you would just be left behind
For a wiser fool
(So you might as well)

Find her finer, sneak up behind her
Wrapped like a mummy till you finally unwind her
Find her blinder, see who designed her
Act like a dummy till you finally grind her

Find her finer, sneak up behind her
Wrapped like a mummy till you finally unwind her
Find her blinder, see who designed her
Act like a dummy till you finally grind her

Find her finer, sneak up behind her
Wrapped like a mummy till you finally unwind her
Find her blinder, see who designed her
Act like a dummy till you finally grind her

Now watch this!

I coulda swore her hair was made of rayon
She wore a Milton Bradley crayon
But she was something I could lay on
Can't remember what became of me
Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy

She put a Doobie Brothers tape on
I had a Roger Daltrey cape on
(Roger Daltrey cape on)
There was a bed I dumped her shape on
Can't remember what became of me
Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy

Somewhat later on
I woke up and she was gone
There was dew out on the lawn
In the sunrise
Later she came back
With a rumpled paper sack
Which she told me would contain
A surprise

She stuck her hand right in it to the bottom
Said she knew I'd be surprised she got 'em
Take a Charleston pimp to spot 'em
Then she gave a pair of shoes to me
Plastic leather, 14 triple D

I said, "I wonder what's the shoes for?"
She told me, "Don't you worry no more!"
And got right down there on the tile floor
"Now, darling, stomp all over me!"
Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy

Is this something new
Having people stomp on you?
Is it what I need to do
For your pleasure?
(All I really need)
"What is this, a quiz?"
"Don't Managua what it is
It is merely just a moment
I can treasure"

By ten o'clock her arms and legs were rendered
She couldn't talk 'cause her mouth had been extendered
It looked to me as though she had been blendered
But was this abject misery?
No! No!
Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy!

But was this abject misery?
No! No!
Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy!
(She likes it that way)

But was this abject misery?
No! No!
Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy!

But was this abject misery?
No! No!
Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy!

It might seem strange to Herb and Dee
Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy!

You're a lonely little girl
(Yummy yum yum yum-yum)
But your mommy and your daddy don't care
You're a lonely little girl, oh yeah

The things they say
Just hurt your heart
It's too late now
For them to start
To understand
The way you feel
The world for them
Is too unreal
For you're lonely, lonely, lonely
Lonely little girl
Oh, baby, poor baby

Every night you sit in your room
Right by your radio
Reading your books
Pictures of the idol you love

The words that he sings
The way that he looks
In a picture on the wall
There's a tear in his eye-ay-ay eye-ay-ay eye-ay-eye

Deranged Fan: "Dinah-Moe Humm"! "Dinah-Moe Humm"!

There will come a time when everybody
Who is lonely will be free
To sing and dance and love

There will come a time when every evil
That we know will be an evil
That we can rise above

Who cares if hair is long or short
Or sprayed or partly grayed
We know that hair ain't where it's at

There will come a time when you won't even
Be ashamed if you are fat!

Wah Wah Wah

There will come a time when everybody
Who is lonely will be free
To sing and dance and love

There will come a time when every evil
That we know will be an evil
That we can rise above

Who cares if you're so poor you can't afford
To buy a pair of Mod A Go-Go stretch-elastic pants
There will come a time when you can even
Take your clothes off when you dance

Wah Wah Wah Wah

There will come a time when you can even
Take your clothes off when you dance

Wah Wah Wah Wah

There will come a time when you can even
Take your clothes off when you dance

What's the ugliest
Of your body?
What's the ugliest
Of your body?
Some say your nose
Some say your toes
But I think it's your mind

All your children are poor
Unfortunate victims of systems beyond their control
A plague upon your ignorance
And the gray despair of your ugly life

Where did Annie go
When she went to town?
Who are all those creeps
That she brings around?

All your children are poor
Unfortunate victims of lies you believe
A plague upon your ignorance that keeps the young
From the truth they deserve

Deranged Fan: "Dinah-Moe Humm"!

 

Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy

Roll it over 'n grease it down
I'll drive you through the heart of town

Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy

Roll it over 'n grease it down
I'll drive you through the heart of town

Good women, they sure has it tough
Good men, well there just ain't enough
Good girls are lookin' all the time
Good men is something that they can't find
If they find one miraculously
They try to be lovin' as they can be
'Cause if they find one and let him go
Chances are they might not never find no mo'

So they keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy

Roll it over 'n grease it down
I'll drive you through the heart of town

Grease it down
Grease it down
(Gimme some grease!)
Grease it down
(Please!)
Grease it down
Grease it down
(I want some grease, baby)
Grease it down
Grease it down
Grease it . . .

A good lovin' man is hardest to find
A good woman needs to ease her mind
I know a few that need to ease it behind
All y'gotta do is grease it down 'n everything is fine

Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy

Roll it over 'n grease it down
I'll drive you through the heart of town

A girl don't need
No fancy grease
To get herself
Some rump release
Any kind
Of lube'll do
Maybe from another
Part of you
Lube from the North
Lube from the South
Take a little slobber
(Take a little slobber!)
From the side of your mouth
Roll it over
Grease it down
Here come that crazy
Screamin' sound . . .

Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Roll it over 'n grease it down
I'll drive you
I said I would drive you
I said I was gonna drive you
All the way how-hown

FZ: Napoleon Murphy Brock on tenor sax and lead vocals, André Lewis on keyboards, Terry Bozzio on drums, Roy Estrada on bass. Thanks for coming to the concert, good night!

I couldn't say where she's comin' from
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm

She strolled on over, said look here, bum
I got a forty-dollar bill says you can't make me cum
Y'jes can't do it

She made a bet with her sister who's a little bit dumb
She could prove it any time all men was scum

I don't mind that she called me a bum
But I knew right away she was really gonna cum
So I got down to it

I whipped off her bloomers 'n stiffened my thumb
An' applied rotation to her sugar plum

I poked 'n stroked till my wrist got numb
But I still didn't hear no Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm

Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Where's this Dinah-Moe
Comin' from
I done spent three hours
An' I ain't got a crumb
From the Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe
From the Dinah-Moe Humm

Got a spot that gets me hot
An' you ain't been to it
I got a spot that gets me hot
But you ain't been to it
Got a spot that gets me hot
But you ain't been to it
Got a spot that gets me hot
But you ain't been to it

'Cause I can't get out of it
Unless I get into it
An' I never get into it
Unless I get out of it
An' I don't wanna get into it
Unless I get out of it
An' I can't get out of it
Till I get into it

She looked over at me with a glazed eye
And some bovine perspiration on her upper lip area
And she said these words and I quote . . .

Just get me wasted
An' you're half-way there
'Cause if my mind's tore up
Then my body don't care

I rubbed my chinny-chin-chin
An' said my-my-my
What sort of thing
Might this lady get high upon?

The forty-dollar bill did not matter no more
When her sister got nekkid an' laid on the floor
She said Dinah-Moe might win the bet
But she could use a little ______ if I wasn't done yet

I told her . . .
Just because the sun
Want a place in the sky
No reason to assume
I wouldn't give her a try

So I pulled on her hair
Got her legs in the air
An' asked if she had any cooties in there

(Whaddya mean cooties! No cooties on me!)

She was buns-up kneelin'
(Buns up!)
I was wheelin' an' dealin'
(Wheelin' an' dealin' an' ooooh!)
She surrender to the feelin'
(She sweetly surrendered)
She started in to squealin'

Dinah-Moe watched
From the edge of the bed
With her lips just a-twitchin'
Her face gone red
Some drool rollin' down
From the edge of her chin
While she spied the condition
Her sister was in

She quivered 'n quaked
An' clutched at herself
Her sister made a joke
About her mental health
Till Dinah-Moe finally
Did give in
I told her
All she really needed
Was some discipline

I said,
Kiss my aura . . . Dora . . .
M-M-M . . . it's real angora
Real angora
It's real angora
It's real angora
Would y'all like some more-a?
Right here on the flora?
An' how 'bout you, Fauna?
Do you wanna?

Wait, you sound like you're chokin' on somethin'
(That's all right)
Hey, listen . . .
(That's all right)
D'you think that I could interest you
In a pair of zircon-encrusted tweezers?
Tweezers, yes.
Lemme sterilize 'em . . .
Lend me your lighter . . .

I couldn't say where she's comin' from
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm

She strolled on over, said look here, bum
I got a forty-dollar bill says you can't make me cum
Y'jes can't do it

She made a bet with her sister who's a little bit dumb
She could prove it any time all men was scum

I don't mind that she called me a bum,
But I knew right away she was really gonna EWWW . . .
So I got down to it

I whipped off her bloomers 'n stiffened my thumb
An' applied rotation to her sugar plum

I poked 'n stroked till my wrist got numb
An' you know I heard some Dinah-Moe Humm
Some Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Little Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe again
Little Dinah-Moe
Some Dinah-Moe (again)
Some Dinah-Moe
Little Dinah-Moe again
Little Dinah-Moe
Little Dinah-Moe again
Dinah-Moe
(Dinah-Moe Humm)
Dinah-Moe again
Dinah-Moe
Little Dinah-Moe . . .

FZ: Look out! Good night! . . . Thank you!

She had that Camarillo brillo
Flamin' out along her head
I mean her Mendocino bean-o
By where some bugs had made it red

She ruled the Toads of the Short Forest
And every newt in Idaho
And every cricket who had chorused
By the bush in Buffalo

She said she was a Magic Mama
And she could throw a mean Tarot
And carried on without a comma
That she was someone I should know

She had a snake for a pet
And an amulet
And she was breeding a dwarf
But she wasn't done yet
She had gray-green skin (well!)
A doll with a pin
I told her she was awright
But I couldn't come in

And so she wandered through the door-way
Just like a shadow from the tomb
She said her stereo was four-way
An' I'd just love it in her room

Well, I was born to have adventure, you see
So I just followed up the steps
Right past her fuming incense stencher
To where she hung her castanets

She stripped away her rancid poncho
An' laid out naked by the door
We did it till we were un-concho
An' it was useless any more

She had a snake for a pet
And an amulet
And she was breeding a dwarf
But she wasn't done yet
She had gray-green skin (well!)
A doll with a pin
I told her she was awright
But I couldn't come in

And so she wandered through the door-way
Just like a shadow from the tomb
(Well . . . )
She said her stereo was four-way
An' I'd just love it in her room
(Yes, I was)

Well, I was born to have adventure
So I just followed up the steps
Right past her fuming incense stencher
To where she hung her castanets

I chewed my way through her rancid panocha
She laid out naked by the door
We did it till we were un-concho
And it was useless anymore
Yes, it was useless anymore
Yes, it was useless anymore
Yes, it was useless anymore

Girl, you thought he was a man
But he was a muffin
He hung around till you found
That he didn't know nuthin'

Girl, you thought he was a man
But he only was a-puffin'
No cries is heard in the night
As a result of him stuffin'

FZ: Good night-uh!

This is a story, tell it quick as I can
A week ago, I met a stumbler man
He stumbled up, he said, "All I wanna know,
How far the hratche-plche Kaiser Rolls"

I begged his pardon, should have turned and ran,
So hard talking to a stumbler man
He stumbled over, and over again
"The Kaiser hratche Rolls since time began"

Raised my finger from the center of my hand,
Tried to wave farewell to the stumbler man
He slobbered 'n puked in a garbage can
"The Kaiser hratche Rollin' might raise some sand"

Pushed him aside as he was slowin' my plan
So hard to understand a real stumbler man
Some stuff from his nose, crawled over his clothes, he said,
"Nobody ever tells me which way he goes"

Kaiser rolls 'n rolls 'n rolls
Kaiser rolls, and Kaiser rolls
Surprise to me they ain't catched him yet,
HOW'S ABOUT A DOLLAR FOR SOME CIGARETTE?